A Happy Thanksgiving to all of you here at EFFORTS [with COPD]
With Love & Hugs
From Me.

Sometimes we don't agree.
Sometimes we have lots of things to gripe and grieve.
But it's Holiday Time once more,
And we all have things to be thankful for.

Despite the aches and pains,
And personal problem that may bring in some rain,
We all have lots to say thanks for.

God works in mysterious ways,
And we must say Thanks for giving us more days
to be thankful for.

Rainbows and sunshine and blue skies above,
The ability to feel, to share and to love,
Even if we have to live day-to-day,
My way of saying
Happy Holiday.
Amen

Have Some Rainbows...
Dated 1-12-2001

Today was our birthday... my old man and mine,
A mark in time.
Can't believe how quick this year went by,
It made me sad and I started to cry.

Have some rainbows and smile,
Make memories all the while...
For you don't know what tomorrow will be,
Or if you'll be around to see.

Last year... I was sick... and getting over a real bad siege,
Of my COPD.

This year I feel better but kind of sad...
Though things aren't as bad.

Thanks for the wishes from those who remembered my day...
That's what I wanted to say...
And for being there so I don't feel so alone,
As I usually am, here at home.

We have new members and have lost a few,
Losing friends makes me feel blue.

Sometimes I am so afraid of what will happen to me,
It's a long time I've had this 'COPD'...
Here in a strange place,
But somehow... I have friends, though I don't see everybody's face...

So have some rainbows from me to you,
Sending them across the miles,
To make you smile.

Thanks for being there ... even when I am not on line,
Just knowing somebody is there, is just fine.
Following all your stories as you go along your way,
Day-to-day.

Sending bright colored rainbows your way,
To brighten up those events you encounter, every day.

Amen.

Rainbows Are My Thing!
 1/23/2001

Sometimes when life gets to be too much,
And there isn't anyone to touch,
Or love,
And I can't breathe too well,
Or life feels like 'Hell'...
I look for rainbows and colors that are bright,
To help make my world all right.

Rainbows are my thing...
They make me want to sing
The colors purple or red ...blue... yellow and green,
Mixed together on a rainbow colored screen,
Brighten up my day,
In so many ways.

God made all the colors of the rainbow for us to see,
Just like he is always there for you and for me.

So when you are feeling a bit blue and unable to cope,
Find yourself a rainbow to give yourself some hope.

Rainbows are my thing,
They make my world brighter
Like when you hear a bell ring...
Or just want to sing.

Think Rainbows & Smile!
Rainbows are my style!

Death and Dying
2/25/2001

Today my nephew would have been 38 years of age,
And on this day...
A very dear person passed away.

I have been here almost 3 years now,
And somehow...
It hurts each time we have another loss.

Death and dying is something I don't like to know,
But it happens, when it's time to go.

My heart is heavy and sad on this terrible day,
I think of Jamie who went away...
And on his birthday God took Myrl so together, they can play.
Oh yes! I have no doubt that they will meet up there,
And that she will take him into her care.

For Jamie could not breathe either, he knew he had a short time to go,
And so...
It seems appropriate to me,
That they will meet.

Another Angel ... the best one of all... she was my inspiration and kept me going as she kept us all,
Inside of her heart,
We were all a part-
Of her life.
God gives and he takes and he has his reasons for doing so,
I know that someday, I, too, must go.
But I am not afraid, you see,
For I know where all the Angels meet.
And with them is a handsome young man making them all smile,
All of them now free and able to breathe.

Death and dying,
Terrible day today... I can't stop crying.

Amen.

It's Spring Again
  3/20/2001

It's Spring again, another time of year,
I hear... birds singing.
Doing their thing.
Flowers blooming, many colors and smells.
I can tell... IT'S SPRING.

Grass is turning green, smooth like velvet once more.
The sky is clear and the sun shines on and off.
Spring is coming but it hasn't arrived yet.
Don't fret! It will soon appear.
Trees will begin to bud; flowers will open up.
The world will come out of its Winter sleep.
Anticipating Summer heat.

Springs coming kind of slow.
Yet rainbow colors of a new season are beginning to show.
Spring is full of many colors, you know.

Blue skies wherever you go.
March winds, April showers,
Bring us May flowers.
Think Spring! For the world is now wakening from its Winter rest.
Reminding us that Life can be full of zest!
Amen

Yesterday
 3/30/2001

Sometimes I walk in fear,
Wondering why God left me here.
I dream of yesterday,
And pray.
I wish I could turn back the clock and go back to those lovely days,
Where my memories seem to stay.

Then something happens to wake me up so that I can see
Reality.

I am alive and there are friends out there.
No matter what happens, though I walk in fear,
Somebody is out there who does care.
I am not alone,
I have a home.

As the group says in its name,
A new beginning... sharing, come what may.

I hear the music of yesterday and today,
I cherish my memories as I play.
I can smell the scent of flowers and spring,
Making me want to stop and sing.

I feel the warmth of the springtime breeze,
And watch the opening of new leaves.

A new beginning, yes, to take away some of my fear,
Grateful that I survived yet another year.

Happy to be here
So I can share
My rainbows, my yesterdays, my memories of life,
To help take away your inner fright.
I send you rainbows and sunshine bright,
Hoping that everything will turn out all right.
Amen



Thanks... to Sharon... and all of you, too...
 4/18/2001

Nobody seems to realize how hard it is for her to do what she does,
And yet... she has to,
Sharon makes up the Memorial Pages for our angels who die,
And she cries...
But so do we,
For you see...
we are family.

Another angel has joined the group,
This one is to keep all of them praying for us down here,
What a terribly sad year!

I say good-bye and I pray,
There isn't much anybody can say.

Who will be next... we do not know,
None of us really want to go.

I send you love and I send you prayers from my heart,
I mourn for those with whom we had to part,
And I hope that the rest of us will be okay,
At least for today.
Amen

Nice People Needed...
 4/19/2001

Sometimes I want to put out an ad for somebody to just share,
And be there,
Without speaking... to just know
The way to go.

Nice people are so few and far between,
It's hard to have to explain every word you mean.

So many insensitive  people out there,
Or people who just don't care.
I need somebody who will just be
No need to elaborate or explain... one that is able to see
The world around them and life as it is... inflexible and changing day to day
Knowing that things sometimes change.

Nice people who are alive ... though may have some sort of woe,
Who just seem to know
How to be there when you need to talk,
Or want to go for a walk,
Somebody who knows about COPD
And can be a nice person to everyone, not just me.

Are you one of those who remain in touch?
Enjoy life so much?
Feel things with your heart deep inside,
And don't always have to question why.
If so-- just apply!

Amen

Tell me Why...
 4/23/2001

Tell me why,
Some people cry,
And others cannot shed tears,
They just hold inside - all their fears.

Tell me why some of us are able to cope,
Yet others - live without hope.

I breathe in deeply today and feel the wind across my face,
Full of contentment, ready to face my day.

Tell me why rainbows are bright and colorful and shine after the rain,
And nothing we encounter is ever the same.

Tell me why God takes the ones who we need down here,
and leaves - the ones who should have gone 'there'.

Tell me why life is so precarious and full of so much,
If you learn to keep in touch.

Tell me why love feels so warm and makes you glow,
And hate makes you cold and so -
distant.

Tell me why - some of us get sick and are able to smile,
Others are healthy yet complain all the while-
whatever they do.

Just wanted to ask why -
I am able to cry -
And Pray -
For more positive days,
I am able to love
and touch
Are you?
Tell me why---
Some people die---
And why others remain alive.
Amen.



Inside My Heart
 May 3, 2001

I have you with me though you have gone away,
One sad and lonely day.
You are inside of my heart and always will be,
You are so much a part of me.

I can't touch you as I want to do,
But I can still feel you.

I walk about and see little parts of you and memories of our life,
I try not to cry with all my might
But still the tears do come, especially at night.

I keep myself busy and I pray
For a happier day.
Our time together was too short in every way,
If only God had let you stay.

Thank you for sharing your life with me
I can still see
Your face.
I hear your voice inside of my heart,
And because of that - we will really not be apart.

Your love will carry me through the days ahead,
I wish you could be here with me instead,
You will always be a part of me-
As it should be.
Amen



Life's Expectancy
 May 20, 2001

When we are small, life is a ball,
We only want to grow up and be tall.
As the years go by
Everything gives you a 'high'-
So much to see - so much to do
And so much to learn, too!

Life's expectancy- to grow up, marry, have a family,
Do all the things you dream of - so much to see!

And as the years wind down and you get into that 'age',
There doesn't seem much to say.

Just give me a comfortable place to nest,
So I can rest.
I have lived a lifetime and I am tired yet happy to be alive,
I've learned to take things in stride.

I have all that God intended me to have and so much more,
I didn't realize that life is a store!
You buy and you sell as the years go by,
You smile and you laugh and you cry,
You purchase events and happenings as the years fly,
And you have managed to experience Life's Expectancy-
You are finally free-
And so it goes.
What's in store for us at the beginning, only God knows,
And he is the only one who can tell us when it's time to go.
To that place high up in the sky where rainbows fly.
Called Heaven - where endless time abides.



Words That Have Meaning...

  6/3/2001

Did you ever stop to think how the words that you say
Can affect someone that day?
I got a thank you for being you
On a day I was feeling rather blue
And it made me smile.
Suddenly for a little while
Things were just fine.

Words that have meaning are so few these days,
How to say thank you in a variety of ways
Think rainbows - means may your day be full of colors and happiness
May your worries be less.

Take time to stop and smell the roses,
Means stop and take time to enjoy those
who care.

Words that have meaning like I love you
Are only meaningful if they come from inside of your heart too.

When I speak ... the words come from inside of me
Whatever they are, whatever they be.

I am just ME.

Thank you for being you - means thanks for all that you do,
for caring and sharing
and helping us not feel blue.
for just being there...

when things get rough
and tough.

for just being honest and true.
thank you.
Amen.



We Do What We Have To Do In Order to Survive

 6/6/2001

Sometimes things just seem to get to be a bit much,
And you just don't feel 'in touch',
Or that you are doing what you could...
Or should.

We have to be strong in order to survive,
Roll on the waves of Life.

There are good days and bad days and in-between days,
And all sorts of ways
To deal with what has to be done.

I'm not the only one.
There are millions of people out there trying to survive,
And  just enjoy their life.

Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry.
And forget what I am supposed to do.
I feel rather blue,
And having COPD
Really gets to me.

I try to smile
While inside I am crying all the while
And try to take another step
Along the path of Life.

Yet I long to be free,
And able to breathe,
Without having to exercise, take a lot of medicine, and eat right,
I want to give up the fight.

And then I hear a song play
And the sun shines on a brand new day
There are stars in the sky at night
And things begin to look all right.

We do what we have to do in order to survive.
That's what Life is all about.
It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor - sick or healthy - thin or fat,
Outside appearances are just that.

It's what is inside of your heart that counts, you see,
So here's a song and a rainbow- from me,

And here I am walking about - wanting  to believe.
Amen



Merry-Go-Round-of-Life
 June 23, 2001

Life is a merry-go-round that goes up and down,
And all around.
Sometimes life is pleasant and everything is A-OK,
You smile and laugh and have so much to say.
Next day something sets off your day,
And everything seems to be bad in every way.

Raindrops are really God's tears
He sends them down to remind us that He's there.
He gives us sunshine and happiness, too
It's all up to you.

Learn to ride the merry-go-round of Life
And take things in stride.
Be flexible - flow with the tide,
Enjoy all the little things you find.

The velvet petals of a rose - the smile of a baby and the wrinkle of its toes,
The crystal drops of rain
Even the feeling of pain
Helps to keep you alive
As you go through the ride.

Green grass - blue skies - and birth are joys,>
Life has many toys.
Even losing a loved one can be a blessing if they are aged
Life is always give and take.

So ride the merry-go-round-of-life with me
We'll find lots of things to see
Or be
Good and bad - happy or sad
Smiles and joys - not everything is bad.

Rainbows come after a rain,
And no two days are ever the same,
So let yourself see - how blessed life can be
If you think love and always remember to leave
a memory for others to see.

Amen



The Idiosyncrasies of Life
 July 16, 2001

Sometimes I think I've figured it all out,
What Life is all about,
Then something happens to upset the apple cart
And I have to start
Figuring it all out again
in another way.

You live as you learn and you learn as you live,
Life has a lot to give.
What I have learned is to be nice and sweet
And smile when a new person I meet
To listen instead of always thinking I am right
To close my mouth and eyes tight
and hear the other guy
to ask questions and learn why.

There are many sides to a story or something that happens to you
Before you lose your temper and turn blue
Think - close your eyes and visualize
what the situation really is
and if this
matters that much
don't lose touch
with reality.

Learn to see.
and be.
Learn to deal with the idiosyncrasies of life
and take things in stride.
Be flexible and true
to you
Think before you speak
and SEE all there is to see.

I don't know if I have really learned to enjoy or understand why
There are so many idsyncracies in life
but I am flexible and bend with the wind and the flow
trying to understand life as I go
day to day
on my way.
Do the best that you can and hold your head up high
Smile
And enjoy the idiosyncrasies of YOUR life
as you go about your business day to day
in your own way.
Amen



Happiness
 August. 8, 2001

Some people wait for happiness to come...
It's a tomorrow thing for some.
But happiness is what you do while you live your life...
Taking things in stride.

It's getting up and feeling alive,
Never asking why,
Riding a bike with the wind blowing by,
Softly as you sail,
Under a cloudless sky.

It's the smile of somebody you made happy that day,
In some sort of way.

It's knowing that there is a big world out there,
And having the ability to care.
Someone to touch
And love.

Happiness takes many phases as you travel through your destiny,
Even if you are alone . . . 
There is so much to see.

So much to listen to...
The song of a bird flying by,
Flowers blooming side by side,
Many colors and hues,
And the endless views
You see throughout the years,
While living your life and are here.

Happiness is being able to feel inside of your heart,
The ability to part,
With what we must as we go on being alive,
It's what we do as we live our lives.
So Be Happy and use your smile,
And soon you will have the happy glow,
Shining from inside your soul,
And you will never be alone.

Amen



Love and  Sharing
 8/17/2001

I finally realize why I have felt so bad,
And terribly sad.
Living a lie 
Always ready to cry.
In order to survive...
One needs to have love.
A feeling of caring
And sharing.

There are many aspects of love, that's true,
But hearing the words I love you...
Can make or break your day...
And put you up or down, either way.

To live with someone unable to feel love or care
Or even notice that you are there
Causes depression and fear.

I need somebody I can touch,
And a warm feeling of love, so much,
It's good to have support people on line,
But I need a love that is all mine.
Someone with whom I can share
And care
And survive
Love makes me feel alive!

And now that I know why I have been feeling so low,
Maybe it's time for me to go?

But... alas I must stay
In this place.
But living without a love or somebody who is alert and able to cope,
Doesn't give me much hope.

For happier days
And somebody to love
I'll pray to God up above
To send me a whole person I can relate to
So I won't keep feeling so blue.
And in the meantime... remember... I do love all of you.

Amen



The Magic Feeling of Life...
 8/22/2001
by Sheila Shiel

It's 5 years since I stopped smoking that terrible weed,
And now I wonder, how could I have done that , indeed?
I now am free and able to breathe,
Even with my COPD.
I can taste the wonderful foods that I eat.
And smell the flowers as they bloom.
And see the wonderful outline of a full moon.

When I was smoking and everything was in a haze,
I walked around in a daze.
Now I can enjoy the magic of life,
And see so much as things pass by.

I am alert and alive once more,
Without questioning what life is for,
I feel love,
And am in touch,
With everything that I do.
I feel brand new.

My condition is now stable,
And there is so much I am able
to do.
I can think with a clear head,
And I certainly am far from dead.

I take time to stop and smell the roses,
And think of rainbows and smiles,
All the while.

See that blue sky up above?
It's God there, showing his love.
I can walk on the beach,
And speak clearly to those that I meet.

No holes in my clothes or stink in my house,
I'm free of that weed - yes indeed.

Happy Anniversary to ME!
On August 24, 2001, it will be
exactly 5 years since I gave up my addiction,
to that disgusting weed.

Amen

Dreams and Lies...
by Sheila Shiel
 8/23/2001

Sometimes I dream of new love and happiness,
And I wish...
That I could find somebody to take care of me,
But alas! That will never be.

I pretend that everything is A-OK,
And I send smiles and rainbows every single day.
But inside my heart is full of lies,
And questions and whys,
I want to go back to the days when I was free,
To being me.

People go here and there and have fun and joy and tell many tales of things
they have seen,
And places they have been.
I live with dreams and make up lies to cover up the way I feel most of the time,
I don't talk about how I am usually alone to cry.

I don't want pity nor do I want anybody to say I can change my ways,
I choose to remain by myself  come what may.
I no longer trust and I can't breathe,
Though I push away the truth, you see,
I am full of lies,
And am beginning to stop asking why.
I just want to die.

OH! Please do not give me some sermon and tell me about the beauty of life
That's what I tell others - and to take things in stride.<
But the reality is - all lies.

To rely on others is to invite hurt,
And I cannot stand any more pain,
Or anything in my life that causes strain.

Dreams and lies.
There is a God someplace up there in the sky
And there are rainbows in my life.
I close my eyes
And visualize
The life I that used to be mine,
And I think about all the time-
That has elapsed since yesterday
No need to pray.

One more day and I am again full of hate
I am tired of this wait
I want it all to end today
I want God to take me away.
Dreams are for fools and lies are what you tell people instead of the truth.
"Think Rainbows and Smile"
I prefer to hide - and keep my secrets inside.
Sometimes I lose my courage to go on and try,
I prefer to just hide.
And cry.

Amen

What Will Be...
 9/25/2001

I see the world is upside down,
Terrorists trying to destroy my hometown.
We are going to have another war.
And once again - fight for our freedom once more.

And I wonder as I am safe in my own place,
What will be my personal fate?

I walk with my COPD and pray for peace,
And each day is different for me.
I am on a merry-go-round 
Either way up high
Or really down.

As the years go by
I learned not to cry
Or whine
To just do and be
And enjoy what God has allowed me to see.
What will be - for me.

Life is so precious and full of joy,
I don't see the sorrow of tomorrow.
I pray for those who lost their lives
In the midst of all this strife
I know that there will be more chaos and pain
Nothing will ever be the same.

But I must live my life myself and what is happening doesn't really mean all that much,
Although I am in touch
With the feelings that people have right now and their fear
But I am here
Where it is warm and safe
And here I stay.

Go on with your life and be strong and sure,
Enjoy what you have before it is no more,
We cannot change history
What will be- will be
Just thank God for being alive
And take it all in stride.
A changing world that's for sure.
I wonder what God has in store for me,
As I say good-bye and cry
For loved ones lost as the years go by.
Amen



Dreams
 

I woke up this morning and the sun was shiny and bright.
Everything seemed to be just right.
I stood up straight -wondering who is playing games with me here
I seemed to be young in age and years.

My heart began to sing! What in the world is this
Looked around - nothing seemed to be amiss.
I looked in the mirror and saw a young face. Am I in the right place?
I took a deep breath - fully able to breath

I wondered - is this really me?Instead of the old face worn by the
years, I saw a young image, free of wrinkles, eyes clear.
Who is this image showing here?Do dreams come true- well, maybe they do. 
So I am sending my dream to you. 

If you visualize yourself as being young and cheerful - full of vigor and vim Perhaps you will remain agelessinside and see yourself as young and trim.
But if you see your self as old That is the image you will behold. 
So think rainbows and smile and carry that youthful image with you all the while.
Amen



I Feel Good...
10/05/2001

I feel so good,
The way I should,
I can breathe,
And for the first time in a long time - I feel like ME.
I found all my music tapes,
And am enjoying them as they play.
Music makes me smile.
I E-mailed a friend across the miles.
My head is clear
And I am here.

This week-end it is over 20 years that my Mom died,
I don't feel sad - I feel thankful instead.
I have faith that we shall meet someday,
I can wait.
I feel complete.

Full of renewed vigor and hope
I have learned to cope.
Life is fun and interesting for me,
I can accept whatever will be.

I feel good,
The way I should.
Hope you have a great week-end
full of sunshine and rainbows,
Colors of Fall,
I love you ALL.

Amen

Halloween is Coming ...
Oct. 21, 2001

I must find my broom so I can ride,
And hide,
My day is coming close.
Did you know?
That I was a witch
With a nose to twitch?

Halloween is coming with black cats,
Witches hats,
Pumpkins and skeletons,
And trick or treat,
Other people to meet,
For this fete.

Halloween is coming,
Beware.
I shall be riding my broom ... have no fear.

Spooky days... and chilly nights,
Lots of kiddies and things that will 'fright.

I don't need a costume that for sure,
I already have my witchery clothing, and so much more.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
TRICK OR TREAT!

Final Good-Bye

 Nov. 10, 2001

Tonight I said my final good-bye,

And tried hard not to cry.

When someone has lost the ability to care or share.

There is no love left there.

If, after all these years...

You cannot see ME

I have to say good-bye.

I will not cry.

Life goes on and God hears me

And he will know what will be for me.

I will stay because I must

But I have lost my trust.

Love is what you feel for another who you treat

as you would treat yourself.

But when the other person doesn't... 

Time to put the love up on a shelf.

I am happy and full of anticipation for the next day...

Eager to pursue  what I may.

I cannot respect if I don't trust.

And I cannot trust if there is no love.

You may still live but I will act as if you have died...

For I have already said my final good-bye.

And I won't cry - for your love was built upon a lie.

Amen

Thanks...
Nov. 13, 2001

Thanks for all the love we share
Thanks for just being there.
Thanks for my kids who I love so much
Remembering each and every touch.
Thanks for the beauty of life that I have seen
And all the places I have been.

Thanks for making me smart and able to feel love
And for all the wonders from above.
The trees and flowers and birds and bees
And so much more then these.

Rainbows and roses and happy days
And the wonder of life in so many ways
Eating and sleeping and making love
I can never have enough...
of the precious beauty of being alive
Anticipating things as they arrive.

Thanks for everything that is right 
In my life
For teaching me to see
Me.
Thank you God for allowing me to be.
I forgive those who hurt me,
I love those who cared
and shared
their time with me on my trip through life
I don't question why.

Thanks for the days ahead that are still there for me to enjoy
One step at a time 
Precious moments and lots of joy
Thanks to all of you who cared.
Amen



We Shall Meet Someday...
 

Dear Chuck, I say good-bye to you in my own way.
What a sad day.
Each night I looked forward to your note 
Full of anticipation and hope
So others could start their day
In a positive way.
A simple smile, always full of cheer,
In your quiet way, always there.
A walk, a meal, a chat or two,
Meant so much to you.
Proud of family, doing so much
Yes. oh yes. I feel your touch.

You don't know how much you care
Until that person is no longer there.
I missed your little notes
Full of hope.
And when I'd send you something I wanted to share
You always did care.

So short a time to know and grow to love
It's God's way leading us to those who can teach us so much.
Good-bye my friend, rest in peace.
Each time I lose a friend I lose
a piece of my heart.
But we don't really part
I will meet you someday
In that other place.
I shall see you fly by
Another Angel up there in the sky.
Amen

Tell Me Why?
January 1, 2002

Tell me why I cannot cry?
And tears stay deep inside?

I live with somebody irrational and strange,
I won't give you a name,
Nor will I take the blame,
For his irrational behavior and childish ways.

Sometimes with my COPD,
I can't believe this is ME,
For I would have run away
If this was yesterday.

But it's hard to carry all the 02,
And give up all I have achieved and bought,
Over the years,
Because of irrational fears.

So I stay and I pray,
And try to better me
That's the way it has to be.

Thanks for being there EFFORTS family
And giving me the strength to go on and smile
With a broken heart all the while.

May your days be happy and bright,
May everything turn out just right,
I send more rainbows and sunny skies,
And don't even ask why.

I will not cry.
I will not hate.
I will try to look for better days.
I am sorry for this tale of woe,
But that's the way life sometimes goes.

Look for the rainbow after the storm,
And pray for more.
Amen

My Brother
This is for you, Larry, dated 1/4/2001
 

When we were small we would fight,
Nothing I did seemed right.
And as the years went by
I used to wonder why
We had lost being close
I missed you the most.

And now we are old and things are all in yesterday,
So I just wanted to say...
I am glad you are finally happy and have found a mate
Before it was too late.

Whatever it is and whatever it be
I am glad that you finally have some peace.

I love you despite our little fights
And wish you didn't always think you were right
But then - who am I to know?
What is right or wrong and how it will go.

Thanks for being my brother all these years,
And helping me to keep away my tears.
Don't cry... don't make waves
Just live from day-to-day.

Always remember that I care,
Always remember, that we share
Family ties
And neither of us is all that wise...
But we try.

Proud to have as my brother no matter what.
You're the only brother I got.
Amen.
With love,
your sister,
Sheila 

Happiness...
 1/4/2002

I used to cry and wonder why I could not find happiness,
Until I realized just today,
I am happy in my own way.

I am luckier than most,
Because I know
How to cope.

I have had an unusual life,
But I learned to take everything in stride,
I am no longer scared.

Oh yes... there are times I am still full of fear
And forget that I am here.
But finally, I am home.
After 6 years of tears
And lots of wear
This is where I stay
No matter what anybody will say.

I found my happiness inside of me
Where it will always be.
I am special and I am not so great
But I am able to deal with my fate.

Ready to face God - and if he should take me now
I can truly say the last few days
Were happy in every way.

I can't change nor deal with things
But I can accept the things I cannot change
And change the things I must
As the Serenity Prayer goes-
Who knows
What tomorrow will bring.

Happiness is being able to pick yourself up off the floor,
And say "no more"
Doing the things that must be done
Whether you want to or not
This is what I got.
I wish all of you happiness in the year 2002.

Best of all I have the strength to take care of whatever will be..
To make my own 'peace'.
KEEP SMILING, IT HELPS.
Amen.



*This is a special poem for Katlyn Adkins
On her 13th birthday

For Kate...
The Magic Age of 13...

Life is just beginning to make sense,
Part grown and part child... where has all the time went?
Everything is new and bright,
Shiny and just right.
First kiss
A party, a dance. lots of bliss.
There isn't anything I want to miss!
Learning and doing and choosing a career,
Living day-to-day without fear.
Young in heart, 
Feeling oh-so-smart.
A beau to care for and share,
A nice young man always there.
And so it goes as 13 is such a magic age
One of life's very best stage.
Enjoy it for it goes so fast,
Nothing really does last
Forever.
Keep that smile, that grown up attitude
Life is magic and wonderful... just like you.
From your Auntie Rainbow.

Magic Rainbows... and What They Mean...
 2/5/2002

I send magic rainbows to all those I love,
A special gift from God above.
When I walk through my day,
I see rainbows in every place.
As the sun shines upon street signs
The silver shadows glow
With rainbows.
And as I peer through the window of my car,
There they are.
They keep me safe and they keep me warm
And protect me from harm.

Magic rainbows are God's gift to all of us
To show us that there is trust
And love
And colors of life
As the years go by.

When I close my eyes memories appear
And I see those magic rainbows around all those years
That disappeared.

Maybe it is only a dream
And rainbows are not the way they seem
But to me they will always be here for me.
Colorful and bright and making everything I do all right
When I am lonely and when I am blue
I look around me and find rainbows bright
In all the circles of light.

Hunt for those magic rainbows and hold them close
For then you will know
That there is magic in life and a reason to be alive
And go on and try.

Magic rainbows and the colors they eject... warm and sweet
Will always be there for me.

And when I send them as a gift to someone I love
And trust
It's to say be alive
And smile
Have a nice day.

Hold those rainbows close
They hold a special secret only God knows.

Old Age is Sad...
 3/6/2002

If I could start all over again in another way,
With all that I have learned day to day
Would things turn out different and where would I be?
Would I still be me?

I have an old man who makes me want to cry,
And ask myself why
God makes some people so old before their time.
I don't think of age
I think of days.
As they pass ... each one in its own way.

My old man is unable to share.
He just isn't there.
Unable to see
The real me.

Where oh where have the years gone to?
I feel so strange- not really blue.
Just sad and scared and wishing I could have seen
What my life would have been.
If I had lived in a different way
Or been born on another day.
Would I have found somebody who could see
The world the way I do.
And understand me.

... the stars tonight were so bright,
The world outside so right.
Inside I am alone in my plight
Too tired to fight.

And so I will pray for another good day
And go on living in my own way. 
I'll push away the fear of not knowing what will be
Or how it will turn out for me
If I get old and sick as he.
After all, I do have COPD.

I wonder what would have been... if things were not this way
And I long for yesterday.
Amen

Sheila's Good-bye
in case I die.
 3/15/2002

Yesterday is finally gone.
This is today.
Thanks for being there, those who were.
Thanks for keeping me going and not giving up.
For teaching me what I always knew
...Life is what you live day-to-day
as you go along your way.

Thanks to God for making me so unique,
And giving me family, children, and a heart
For not taking away my ability to be smart.

Who will miss me the most?
Who will think of me and sigh?
For all those I leave behind - don't cry!
I will be waiting for you in Heaven above
Until then... watching over you with all my love.
I will be that rainbow in the sky
Just passing by.

Someday they will find a way to treat
Those of us with COPD
But it will be too late for me.
Amen.

What Would I Do...
 4/24/2002

What would I do without all of you?
I'd sure be blue.
You send me rainbows and good advice,
And give me a reason to try
for another day.

EFFORTS is full of people with hope
With another rally to go
and fight for our cause.
Not just mine, but also yours.

Not feeling too great today
Yet for sure somebody will send me a rainbow to cheer me up in some way.

What a great group all of you are.
Even though you are so far
you are close to me inside my heart.

My EFFORTS family... thanks... for being there
Thanks to all those who care.
Amen



Apples and Bananas
 11/13/1999

I spoke to my Dad yesterday,
He was coherent and here for a change.
I told him how sick I am and he made me cry.
He didn't give me a sermon or ask me why.

He told me to live my Life the best way I can,
Day to Day.
Listen to what my body has to say.

He said he bought some apples and bananas today,
Went for his usual morning walk.

He said he loved me and wished me the best.
And in his way, reminded me that Life is a test.
"Walk with your head up high
Face the sky,
Put on a good face for others to see,
Keep your private business inside of thee."

For one short time, he was my Daddy again,
And he gave me back some strength.

My Dad is 89 y/o and sometimes he loses his way,
Most of what he said was fantasy... but if he dreams and believes it to be true,
And it keeps him from being blue,
I don't care.
For one magic moment, I had my Daddy back to share
some of my pain [and my original name]
And we could say good-bye 
and not cry.
Amen
P.S. DAD IS NOW 92 HAVING BEEN BORN AUG. 13, 1910.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING TO BE.
I HOPE HE WILL NOT LEAVE ME
HE WILL ALWAYS BE INSIDE MY HEART
WHETHER OR NOT WE PART.



"Help, I Can't Breathe..."
 5/17/2002

"Help, I can't breathe..."
I have COPD.
But that really isn't ME.

I am a rainbow who loves to dance,
And prance.
I am not that 02 tank or that nebulizer crap,
I am ME.
Can't you SEE? 

I don't go by numbers, I go by my head,
If I didn't... I would be dead.
I need to take my meds.
I need to exercise.
I don't ask WHY.

I need space in order to be able to breathe,
My head and my lungs seem to be
All in one place.

When I get upset or don't have space
I can't breathe.
I can't walk
And I can't talk.

But I am NOT COPD...
I AM ME.

It's hard to know just what is making me choke
Or why I get sick and can't cope
But I know
That though I pretend not to be sick and my numbers are high
The reason why
is simply this:
I am ME. I am ALIVE. I DREAM. I PRAY. AND LOSING PEOPLE YOU LOVE
GIVES YOU A BIG SHOVE
Into the wrong direction.

If I didn't have a gadget to measure my 02
Would I know?
What my numbers are today
Or why I can't breathe and feel this way?
No... I'd put on the 02 and go about my day
As I used to do yesterday.
So... Remember... don't let that COPD affect you and be
a detriment to your being ME 
Which simple means
I have COPD
It does NOT have ME.
Amen

Anger
 5/19/2002

I am angry at myself
For not getting help.
For living in a way 
That is insane.

My depression has caused me to get mad
And think about doing something bad
To those who annoy me
So please...
Handle with caution... I am really quite mad
And sad.

Life has a way of punching you in the gut
And pushing you into a rut
If you allow it to.
It is all up to you.

Sometimes I am stupid and forget how to cope
And lose all my hope.
I need to relax so I won't be sick
Our mind affects our COPD... we don't have a choice nor can we pick.
We must stay calm and rest.
Or your "COPD" becomes a "mess".

I am alone in what I have to do and say
God has made it this way.

Thinking of myself and all the things that I have done.
Yes, I am NOT THE ONLY ONE,
With problems or COPD
But this is me.
And I can't think of others right now
Got to pick up the pieces somehow.
As it always goes
Only God knows.
Or can help me right now... or help me find peace.
So please
Remember that I am in pain.
Right now, things are not sane.

Saying a prayer for my Dad
Saying a prayer for me
Someday I may be able to speak
But right now... my voice has gone away
And I am full of hate.

Thanks for caring
And sharing
But right now... I can't even help me
Or see.
So hold onto those magic rainbows I used to send to all of you.
And don't be blue.
And when I die...
Please don't cry.



Tough Love
 3/29/2002

I had forgotten what tough love is... saying good-bye
And being able to NOT cry.

Sometimes I wonder who I am and why I am here,
And why I even bother to care.

But then my heart opens up and I feel life
And I know... got to take all this in stride.

Having COPD and a bad back is really the pits,
But that's the way it is.

Losing my Dad hurts me more than I can show,
And more than I want to know.
But miracles do happen and he may wake up
Life is tough.

I hear his voice telling me to do the very best that I can do
And so I am telling the same to you.
Learn to cope
And hope
And live one step at a time
And things will turn out fine.

Nobody promised me a rose garden
And life is not a bowl of cherries.
You get what you give and you take what you can make
A life out of.
All that stuff.

The name of the game is survival.
And if you have to say good-bye
And pretend not to care
Don't be full of fear.
Tough love is rough
But sometimes, it's all we can do.
And pretend not to be blue.
First of all, take care of YOU!
Amen
 
 

To be Free...
 7/16/2002

In order to be free, 
One doesn't depend on others for the things they need.
You live your own life 
And take things in stride.

Making decisions as you go about your way
Each and every day.
You pay your own bills and buy your own stuff
And you always have enough...
Of thing things that make your own life worthwhile
So you can smile
With a degree of inner peace.

Independent and free.
I've learned to deal with my individual COPD.
My life is quite pleasant, you see
I have that inner peace.
That took a lifetime to achieve.

What a pity that at the end of our years,
We learn the cleansing of those tears
And what life is really all about
I want to tell you; I want to shout.

To really be happy and enjoy what you got,
Even if it ain't a lot
You've got to learn to appreciate each and every moment as you go
Along Life's road.

I am free... to be me...
And even if I may repeat
The inner glow I feel inside 
Is truly an amazing feeling of PEACE.

And so I say
On this rainbow day
To be free and able to cope
One must learn to hope
And be able to take care of your own needs
Before God takes you home... and you have to leave.

Good-bye
 8/10/2002

When someone dies and you start to cry,
You forgive all the things they did to hurt you when they were alive.

And you say good-bye with only the good memories inside.
Good-bye Dad, I will miss you so much.
But in reality, it's been years since we touched.
Or spoke to each other with feelings of real love.

I know you loved me, I felt it - yes I did.
You tried to be so tough.

Rest in Peace.
I understand why you had to leave.
We are both finally free.
Me of the worry about you all these years
And you of all of your fears.

Amen.

If You Loved Me and If You Really Cared

  2/23/2003.

[I almost lost my Sheila, said Bob.] 

If you loved me and you cared,

You would have been there.

When I tried to ask you for help and you knew I was really sick.

You kinda missed... the way I felt.

Love and friendship works two ways.

Rarely do I ever ask for assistance as I flounder through my days.

When you hurt me ... I cry.

And once again... thanks to you... I almost died.

If you loved me, you would have been there,

And truly cared.

However, you continued to tell your lies.

Could not understand why I hesitate to listen to you,

Because, thanks to YOU... THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME I ALMOST DIED.

You just don't want to see...What COPD means.

I always managed to find a way to get by.

Yet, in New York, you asked me for $2,000... for things YOU assumed I might need.

You got $1,000 and a nice good-bye.

And I went home to cry.

YOU ADMIT TO HAVING NO FEELINGS AND WISH THAT YOU DID.

You keep all YOUR secrets hid.

Circumstances prevent me from leaving you now

I made the mistake of re-locating somehow.

You did save my life...

But couldn't you tell...How sick I was before I almost died?

I know you tried.

I am not sad and I am not mad... you just did not know.

And so...

I have to go on without being able to trust you ever again...

We may be 'friends' but for me, this is the end.

I need love and attention and somebody who really cares

and is capable of being able to share.

That was Ray...

And I regret the day

I came here to live in fear.

Amen

Happiness...Is Inside Your Heart
 

1/4/2002 - revised today, March 13, 2003. 
 

I used to cry and wonder why I could not find happiness,
 

Until I realized... today, 
I am happy In my own way.

Happiness is merely being content and full of peace,

Able to do the things for yourself that please.
 

Praying for the ones who die,

Being able to cry. 

Mature and dealing with life,

Taking things in stride.
 

I am luckier than most, 
Because I learned how to cope. 

I have had a hard life 
And I did learn to take everything in stride, 

Yes, there are times I am still full of fear 

And uncertainty... 

but I remain right here.
After years of tears, 
And lots of wear,

This is where I stay. 
Where I am and what I do, is entirely up to me to say. 

I found my happiness inside of me, 
I am a very special lady with many talents that I know of ... and...

...in myself, I will always believe.

I love me, which enables me to love others, you see.
 

Have been happy; even if it wasn't always happy in every way. 

I can't change the things that happened in the past, 

But I can live for today and pray that my Life shall last,

Until God takes me home.
 

Happiness is inside of you , and all you can do is try.

You will go on living until you die,

So, you may as well smile... and pretend to be happy... 

and soon you shall be,

Just like me.

"Think Rainbows and Smile"

Full of contentment all the while.

Amen.

I Smell a Rainbow...
 3/18/2004
 
I never knew that rainbows had a smell,
Although I could always tell
when one was on the way.
It would be raining that day.
 
And when the clouds disappeared in the sky
And everything began to dry.
A rainbow would appear 
Nice and bright
Making everything feel just right.
 
But a friend alerted me to the fact that rainbows have a special smell.
And so one rainy day
... when I couldn't see that rainbow in the sky...
I took a deep breath and I could tell...
That a rainbow had been there that day.
 
For as it had passed by... it had left everything smelling clean and new.
And the world looked brighter, too.
There was a special smell in the air 
That had not been there.
 
Now I close my eyes and I can tell...
That delicious smell...
When I  cannot see...
The rainbow cross the sky...
After the rain has passed by.
 
Did you ever smell a rainbow?
It is the smell of life and hope.