Thanks for all the love
we share
Thanks for just being
there.
Thanks for my kids who
I love so much
Remembering each and
every touch.
Thanks for the beauty
of life that I have seen
And all the places I
have been.
Thanks for making me smart
and able to feel love
And for all the wonders
from above.
The trees and flowers
and birds and bees
And so much more then
these.
Rainbows and roses and
happy days
And the wonder of life
in so many ways
Eating and sleeping and
making love
I can never have enough...
of the precious beauty
of being alive
Anticipating things as
they arrive.
Thanks for everything
that is right
In my life
For teaching me to see
Me.
Thank you God for allowing
me to be.
I forgive those who hurt
me,
I love those who cared
and shared
their time with me on
my trip through life
I don't question why.
Thanks for the days ahead
that are still there for me to enjoy
One step at a time
Precious moments and
lots of joy
Thanks to all of you
who cared.
Amen
We Shall Meet Someday...
Dear Chuck, I say good-bye to you in my own
way.
What a sad day.
Each night I looked forward to your note
Full of anticipation and hope
So others could start their day
In a positive way.
A simple smile, always full of cheer,
In your quiet way, always there.
A walk, a meal, a chat or two,
Meant so much to you.
Proud of family, doing so much
Yes. oh yes. I feel your touch.
You don't know how much you care
Until that person is no longer there.
I missed your little notes
Full of hope.
And when I'd send you something I wanted to
share
You always did care.
So short a time to know and grow to love
It's God's way leading us to those who can
teach us so much.
Good-bye my friend, rest in peace.
Each time I lose a friend I lose
a piece of my heart.
But we don't really part
I will meet you someday
In that other place.
I shall see you fly by
Another Angel up there in the sky.
Amen
Tell me why I cannot cry?
And tears stay deep inside?
I live with somebody irrational and strange,
I won't give you a name,
Nor will I take the blame,
For his irrational behavior and childish ways.
Sometimes with my COPD,
I can't believe this is ME,
For I would have run away
If this was yesterday.
But it's hard to carry all the 02,
And give up all I have achieved and bought,
Over the years,
Because of irrational fears.
So I stay and I pray,
And try to better me
That's the way it has to be.
Thanks for being there EFFORTS family
And giving me the strength to go on and smile
With a broken heart all the while.
May your days be happy and bright,
May everything turn out just right,
I send more rainbows and sunny skies,
And don't even ask why.
I will not cry.
I will not hate.
I will try to look for better days.
I am sorry for this tale of woe,
But that's the way life sometimes goes.
Look for the rainbow after the storm,
And pray for more.
Amen
My Brother
This is for you, Larry, dated 1/4/2001
When we were small we would fight,
Nothing I did seemed right.
And as the years went by
I used to wonder why
We had lost being close
I missed you the most.
And now we are old and things are all in yesterday,
So I just wanted to say...
I am glad you are finally happy and have found
a mate
Before it was too late.
Whatever it is and whatever it be
I am glad that you finally have some peace.
I love you despite our little fights
And wish you didn't always think you were right
But then - who am I to know?
What is right or wrong and how it will go.
Thanks for being my brother all these years,
And helping me to keep away my tears.
Don't cry... don't make waves
Just live from day-to-day.
Always remember that I care,
Always remember, that we share
Family ties
And neither of us is all that wise...
But we try.
Proud to have as my brother no matter what.
You're the only brother I got.
Amen.
With love,
your sister,
Sheila
I used to cry and wonder why I could not find
happiness,
Until I realized just today,
I am happy in my own way.
I am luckier than most,
Because I know
How to cope.
I have had an unusual life,
But I learned to take everything in stride,
I am no longer scared.
Oh yes... there are times I am still full of fear
And forget that I am here.
But finally, I am home.
After 6 years of tears
And lots of wear
This is where I stay
No matter what anybody will say.
I found my happiness inside of me
Where it will always be.
I am special and I am not so great
But I am able to deal with my fate.
Ready to face God - and if he should take me now
I can truly say the last few days
Were happy in every way.
I can't change nor deal with things
But I can accept the things I cannot change
And change the things I must
As the Serenity Prayer goes-
Who knows
What tomorrow will bring.
Happiness is being able to pick yourself up off
the floor,
And say "no more"
Doing the things that must be done
Whether you want to or not
This is what I got.
I wish all of you happiness in the year 2002.
Best of all I have the strength to take care of
whatever will be..
To make my own 'peace'.
KEEP SMILING, IT HELPS.
Amen.
*This is a special poem for Katlyn Adkins
On her 13th birthday
For Kate...
The Magic Age of 13...
Life is just beginning to make sense,
Part grown and part child... where has all the
time went?
Everything is new and bright,
Shiny and just right.
First kiss
A party, a dance. lots of bliss.
There isn't anything I want to miss!
Learning and doing and choosing a career,
Living day-to-day without fear.
Young in heart,
Feeling oh-so-smart.
A beau to care for and share,
A nice young man always there.
And so it goes as 13 is such a magic age
One of life's very best stage.
Enjoy it for it goes so fast,
Nothing really does last
Forever.
Keep that smile, that grown up attitude
Life is magic and wonderful... just like you.
From your Auntie Rainbow.
Magic Rainbows...
and What They Mean...
2/5/2002
I send magic rainbows
to all those I love,
A special gift from God
above.
When I walk through my
day,
I see rainbows in every
place.
As the sun shines upon
street signs
The silver shadows glow
With rainbows.
And as I peer through
the window of my car,
There they are.
They keep me safe and
they keep me warm
And protect me from harm.
Magic rainbows are God's
gift to all of us
To show us that there
is trust
And love
And colors of life
As the years go by.
When I close my eyes memories
appear
And I see those magic
rainbows around all those years
That disappeared.
Maybe it is only a dream
And rainbows are not
the way they seem
But to me they will always
be here for me.
Colorful and bright and
making everything I do all right
When I am lonely and
when I am blue
I look around me and
find rainbows bright
In all the circles of
light.
Hunt for those magic rainbows
and hold them close
For then you will know
That there is magic in
life and a reason to be alive
And go on and try.
Magic rainbows and the
colors they eject... warm and sweet
Will always be there
for me.
And when I send them as
a gift to someone I love
And trust
It's to say be alive
And smile
Have a nice day.
Hold those rainbows close
They hold a special secret
only God knows.
If I could start all over
again in another way,
With all that I have
learned day to day
Would things turn out
different and where would I be?
Would I still be me?
I have an old man who
makes me want to cry,
And ask myself why
God makes some people
so old before their time.
I don't think of age
I think of days.
As they pass ... each
one in its own way.
My old man is unable to
share.
He just isn't there.
Unable to see
The real me.
Where oh where have the
years gone to?
I feel so strange- not
really blue.
Just sad and scared and
wishing I could have seen
What my life would have
been.
If I had lived in a different
way
Or been born on another
day.
Would I have found somebody
who could see
The world the way I do.
And understand me.
... the stars tonight
were so bright,
The world outside so
right.
Inside I am alone in
my plight
Too tired to fight.
And so I will pray for
another good day
And go on living in my
own way.
I'll push away the fear
of not knowing what will be
Or how it will turn out
for me
If I get old and sick
as he.
After all, I do have
COPD.
I wonder what would have
been... if things were not this way
And I long for yesterday.
Amen
Sheila's
Good-bye
in case I die.
3/15/2002
Yesterday is finally gone.
This is today.
Thanks for being there,
those who were.
Thanks for keeping me
going and not giving up.
For teaching me what
I always knew
...Life is what you live
day-to-day
as you go along your
way.
Thanks to God for making
me so unique,
And giving me family,
children, and a heart
For not taking away my
ability to be smart.
Who will miss me the most?
Who will think of me
and sigh?
For all those I leave
behind - don't cry!
I will be waiting for
you in Heaven above
Until then... watching
over you with all my love.
I will be that rainbow
in the sky
Just passing by.
Someday they will find
a way to treat
Those of us with COPD
But it will be too late
for me.
Amen.
What Would
I Do...
4/24/2002
What would I do without
all of you?
I'd sure be blue.
You send me rainbows
and good advice,
And give me a reason
to try
for another day.
EFFORTS is full of people
with hope
With another rally to
go
and fight for our cause.
Not just mine, but also
yours.
Not feeling too great
today
Yet for sure somebody
will send me a rainbow to cheer me up in some way.
What a great group all
of you are.
Even though you are so
far
you are close to me inside
my heart.
My EFFORTS family... thanks...
for being there
Thanks to all those who
care.
Amen
Apples and Bananas
11/13/1999
I spoke to my Dad yesterday,
He was coherent and here for a change.
I told him how sick I am and he made me cry.
He didn't give me a sermon or ask me why.
He told me to live my Life the best way I can,
Day to Day.
Listen to what my body has to say.
He said he bought some apples and bananas today,
Went for his usual morning walk.
He said he loved me and wished me the best.
And in his way, reminded me that Life is a
test.
"Walk with your head up high
Face the sky,
Put on a good face for others to see,
Keep your private business inside of thee."
For one short time, he was my Daddy again,
And he gave me back some strength.
My Dad is 89 y/o and sometimes he loses his
way,
Most of what he said was fantasy... but if
he dreams and believes it to be true,
And it keeps him from being blue,
I don't care.
For one magic moment, I had my Daddy back
to share
some of my pain [and my original name]
And we could say good-bye
and not cry.
Amen
P.S. DAD IS NOW 92 HAVING BEEN BORN AUG. 13,
1910.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING TO BE.
I HOPE HE WILL NOT LEAVE ME
HE WILL ALWAYS BE INSIDE MY HEART
WHETHER OR NOT WE PART.
"Help, I Can't Breathe..."
5/17/2002
"Help, I can't breathe..."
I have COPD.
But that really isn't ME.
I am a rainbow who loves to dance,
And prance.
I am not that 02 tank or that nebulizer crap,
I am ME.
Can't you SEE?
I don't go by numbers, I go by my head,
If I didn't... I would be dead.
I need to take my meds.
I need to exercise.
I don't ask WHY.
I need space in order to be able to breathe,
My head and my lungs seem to be
All in one place.
When I get upset or don't have space
I can't breathe.
I can't walk
And I can't talk.
But I am NOT COPD...
I AM ME.
It's hard to know just what is making me choke
Or why I get sick and can't cope
But I know
That though I pretend not to be sick and my numbers
are high
The reason why
is simply this:
I am ME. I am ALIVE. I DREAM. I PRAY. AND LOSING
PEOPLE YOU LOVE
GIVES YOU A BIG SHOVE
Into the wrong direction.
If I didn't have a gadget to measure my 02
Would I know?
What my numbers are today
Or why I can't breathe and feel this way?
No... I'd put on the 02 and go about my day
As I used to do yesterday.
So... Remember... don't let that COPD affect
you and be
a detriment to your being ME
Which simple means
I have COPD
It does NOT have ME.
Amen
I am angry at myself
For not getting help.
For living in a way
That is insane.
My depression has caused me to get mad
And think about doing something bad
To those who annoy me
So please...
Handle with caution... I am really quite mad
And sad.
Life has a way of punching you in the gut
And pushing you into a rut
If you allow it to.
It is all up to you.
Sometimes I am stupid and forget how to cope
And lose all my hope.
I need to relax so I won't be sick
Our mind affects our COPD... we don't have a
choice nor can we pick.
We must stay calm and rest.
Or your "COPD" becomes a "mess".
I am alone in what I have to do and say
God has made it this way.
Thinking of myself and all the things that I have
done.
Yes, I am NOT THE ONLY ONE,
With problems or COPD
But this is me.
And I can't think of others right now
Got to pick up the pieces somehow.
As it always goes
Only God knows.
Or can help me right now... or help me find peace.
So please
Remember that I am in pain.
Right now, things are not sane.
Saying a prayer for my Dad
Saying a prayer for me
Someday I may be able to speak
But right now... my voice has gone away
And I am full of hate.
Thanks for caring
And sharing
But right now... I can't even help me
Or see.
So hold onto those magic rainbows I used to send
to all of you.
And don't be blue.
And when I die...
Please don't cry.
Tough Love
3/29/2002
I had forgotten what tough love is... saying good-bye
And being able to NOT cry.
Sometimes I wonder who I am and why I am here,
And why I even bother to care.
But then my heart opens up and I feel life
And I know... got to take all this in stride.
Having COPD and a bad back is really the pits,
But that's the way it is.
Losing my Dad hurts me more than I can show,
And more than I want to know.
But miracles do happen and he may wake up
Life is tough.
I hear his voice telling me to do the very best
that I can do
And so I am telling the same to you.
Learn to cope
And hope
And live one step at a time
And things will turn out fine.
Nobody promised me a rose garden
And life is not a bowl of cherries.
You get what you give and you take what you can
make
A life out of.
All that stuff.
The name of the game is survival.
And if you have to say good-bye
And pretend not to care
Don't be full of fear.
Tough love is rough
But sometimes, it's all we can do.
And pretend not to be blue.
First of all, take care of YOU!
Amen
In order to be free,
One doesn't depend on others for the things they
need.
You live your own life
And take things in stride.
Making decisions as you go about your way
Each and every day.
You pay your own bills and buy your own stuff
And you always have enough...
Of thing things that make your own life worthwhile
So you can smile
With a degree of inner peace.
Independent and free.
I've learned to deal with my individual COPD.
My life is quite pleasant, you see
I have that inner peace.
That took a lifetime to achieve.
What a pity that at the end of our years,
We learn the cleansing of those tears
And what life is really all about
I want to tell you; I want to shout.
To really be happy and enjoy what you got,
Even if it ain't a lot
You've got to learn to appreciate each and every
moment as you go
Along Life's road.
I am free... to be me...
And even if I may repeat
The inner glow I feel inside
Is truly an amazing feeling of PEACE.
And so I say
On this rainbow day
To be free and able to cope
One must learn to hope
And be able to take care of your own needs
Before God takes you home... and you have to
leave.
When someone dies and you start to cry,
You forgive all the things they did to hurt
you when they were alive.
And you say good-bye with only the good memories
inside.
Good-bye Dad, I will miss you so much.
But in reality, it's been years since we touched.
Or spoke to each other with feelings of real
love.
I know you loved me, I felt it - yes I did.
You tried to be so tough.
Rest in Peace.
I understand why you had to leave.
We are both finally free.
Me of the worry about you all these years
And you of all of your fears.
Amen.
If You Loved Me and If You Really
Cared
2/23/2003.
[I almost lost my Sheila, said Bob.]
If you loved me and you cared,
You would have been there.
When I tried to ask you for help and you knew I was really sick.
You kinda missed... the way I felt.
Love and friendship works two ways.
Rarely do I ever ask for assistance as I flounder through my days.
When you hurt me ... I cry.
And once again... thanks to you... I almost died.
If you loved me, you would have been there,
And truly cared.
However, you continued to tell your lies.
Could not understand why I hesitate to listen to you,
Because, thanks to YOU... THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME I ALMOST DIED.
You just don't want to see...What COPD means.
I always managed to find a way to get by.
Yet, in New York, you asked me for $2,000... for things YOU assumed I might need.
You got $1,000 and a nice good-bye.
And I went home to cry.
YOU ADMIT TO HAVING NO FEELINGS AND WISH THAT YOU DID.
You keep all YOUR secrets hid.
Circumstances prevent me from leaving you now
I made the mistake of re-locating somehow.
You did save my life...
But couldn't you tell...How sick I was before I almost died?
I know you tried.
I am not sad and I am not mad... you just did not know.
And so...
I have to go on without being able to trust you ever again...
We may be 'friends' but for me, this is the end.
I need love and attention and somebody who really cares
and is capable of being able to share.
That was Ray...
And I regret the day
I came here to live in fear.
Amen
Happiness...Is Inside Your Heart
1/4/2002 - revised today, March 13, 2003.
I used to cry and wonder why I could not find
happiness,
Until I realized... today,
I am happy In my own way.
Happiness is merely being content and full of peace,
Able to do the things for yourself that please.
Praying for the ones who die,
Being able to cry.
Mature and dealing with life,
Taking things in stride.
I am luckier than most,
Because I learned how to cope.
I have had a hard life
And I did learn to take everything in stride,
Yes, there are times I am still full of fear
And uncertainty...
but I remain right here.
After years of tears,
And lots of wear,
This is where I stay.
Where I am and what I do, is entirely up to me
to say.
I found my happiness inside of me,
I am a very special lady with many talents that
I know of ... and...
...in myself, I will always believe.
I love me, which enables me to love others, you
see.
Have been happy; even if it wasn't always happy in every way.
I can't change the things that happened in the past,
But I can live for today and pray that my Life shall last,
Until God takes me home.
Happiness is inside of you , and all you can do is try.
You will go on living until you die,
So, you may as well smile... and pretend to be happy...
and soon you shall be,
Just like me.
"Think Rainbows and Smile"
Full of contentment all the while.
Amen.
4/20/2003
Thirty years ago, I gave birth to you,
And got sick doing so.
Things happened and they took you away,
I wasn't allowed to have much say.
But I never gave you away,
And then came the day
When I got to know you and love you and hold you close.
But then... life went on and you grew up and left to live your own life,
So I learned to take it in stride.
But my heart was broken and I cried many a tear
Over the years.
You are my "baby" no matter what they tell you
Or how old you get to be.
... because of your confusion and being torn so many ways
Your mind just could not sway
And you got sick.
And more confused.
I think of you every day and I still cry
And ask God why
And pray for you to have a good life
My dream is to have you with me someday
So I can hold you close
And take away some of the pain
And the rain
Of what you have gone through.
Tracey... I love you and miss you so
And I want you to know.
May your life be full of rainbows
And sunshine and smiles
Lots of happiness ... and knowing that you are missed.
I will always be your "Mommy", no matter what they try to tell you,
Or how many years go by.
And when you look in the mirror you should know
We look alike... and time is not going to stop that fact
No matter where you are at.
I will always love you and think of you.
You are inside of my heart.
Despite our having to part
A long time ago in another life
And I will think of you always as the years go by.
5/30/2003
Each morning when I awake,
And take
That first breath on my pipe,
I start to cry.
I think of my Dad who died
less than a year ago
And I think of the years that went by so fast
Making me realize that of course, nothing lasts.
I count my blessings and I try to remember that I am lucky to be alive
And there really is no reason to cry.
After I have had my time by myself,
And thought about my day
It's time to go on my way.
I cry alone
And thank God for having a home
All the things that I need
And am grateful for the hard times that gave me this belief
In being strong and going along
Looking for rainbows and dreaming dreams
Nothing is as impossible as it seems.
And so... no shame to cry
If you try
To do your best
And try to pass all of life's tests.
I send rainbows and smiles and sunshine to those I love
But when I cry
I cry alone..that's the way I want it to be,
I don't want to make others sad you see.
Cleansing my eyes with tears
Thanking God for all of my happy years
Sending you some rainbows too
Not bad to sometimes be blue
But remember to smile
As you walk life's miles.
end/beginning.
P.S.My Pipe is my nebulizer to help me breathe.