Think Rainbows and Smile
Aug. 23, 2003
Think rainbows and smile
For others to see,
While your heart is broken into
a million pieces.
Not having a life ... only a dream
Trying so hard to make it
all seem
worthwhile.
People take parts of you and drain
your energy and think they are being a help...
I want to scream 'go away... please
don't help.'
My name is Sheila and I have COPD
But it doesn't have me.
I am in pain and I ache all over
and here is another stress attack. because I allowed more garbage into
my life,
And forgot to take things in stride.
I am just a nicotine survivor and
a victim of smoke
Who learned to live and love with
hope.
Good-bye to all those who think
they love me so much.
Yet don't have the time to keep
in touch.
So now I have lost all my trust...
And am unable to turn to anyone
for a kind word,
My life has become a really tragic
joke.
Good-bye to those who are full of
fear
And don't dare to come near
And cannot thus, fully share.
Good-bye to trying to heal the sick
when I am the one who is sick and alone,
Without the ability to rest and
relax in my own home.,
If God spares me one more time,
I promise to be good,.
And take care of myself the way
I should.
I got the message loud and clear
You took my Daddy and all those
that I love
But you won't get me yet
I am not ready to go.
I need more time to play
And listen to the music of life.
And hug somebody and have somebody
really care
I need someone who knows how to
share.
Thank you God for keeping me alive.
I am not ready to say good-bye.
Please forgive me for forgetting
who I am and what I do,
For not stopping to say and mean
those words I love you.
Thinking rainbows and trying to
smile.
Crying because of the pain
all the while.
How Much More, God?
Sept. 9, 2003
How much more pain God?
When does this ridiculous stuff
end?
Stuck with someone I cannot share
He just isn't there.
Would be so nice to have a hug
Or someone to love
But all I got
Is an old man and he sure ain't
a lot.
He complains, he is cheap
I say 'why me?'
I can't adjust to this never land
of hate
And pain
And blurriness day to day.
I cry
I sigh
And I ask you God ... why?
One dumb incident after another...
and he goes his merry way
Lazy and unfeeling with nothing
good to say.
Yes, I love life and I take it all
in stride
But sometimes you need a bit of
warmth instead of this horrible cold
I am growing old.
And without love... there isn't
much
Everyone needs to touch...
someone's hand... or be held close
when things occur.
I feel so alone and so lonely inside
Full of tears and asking why...
I try so hard to be good
And do things the way I should.
But nobody cares and it never seems
to end
I just want to know when... my
happiness will unfold...
Or is it too late...
I try not to hate...
But what else can I do?
For with him... it is never you
It is always me
Can't he see?
My pain.
Amen.
Just Me
Sept. 10, 2003
I just discovered that I am an orphan
without any sisters or brothers
Or others
To call my own.
I do have a home.
I just discovered that I am all
alone.
Nobody sees me and nobody cares
I am invisible; I am not here.
Me and my rainbows colorful and
bright,
We shall do all right.
Nobody to share and nobody to care
Not so rare.
Just me
whoever I be.
A rainbow shining bright
In the middle of the night,
Green eyes, reddish hair,
Skin so fair.
... the way it shall always be,
But I am not alone you see,
For God walks beside me.
Amen.
December 3,1986
Once upon a time, down in the fields
of Virginia, lived two old hippies, Bobbit and Smidget.
Bobbit had long white hair down
to his knees, covering his bony butt, and Smidget had long red hair covering
her saggy tits.
In this place in the Virginia Land
of Virginia, out in the sticky-sticks of noplace, USA, they resided in
their boat-shaped cottage with velvet walls ands floors of grassy grass.
They grew marijuana stalks high as the sky and got higher than high...
The sun shone always, and rainbows
covered the sky, and they had each other and the always and forever feeling
of freedom...
As they flew through their days,
making wild passionate love, due to the vitamins and fresh air and healthy
burst of energy and the special medicine they took called Youngish Fluid
Juice... they had the strength and system of much, much younger beings...
No wrinkles for these two... only
slim, smooth bodies and fabulous faces, hair that felt as if it were spun
of gold...happiness and peace and lots of good feelings...
Each day they touched each other both physically and spiritually and spent their time just exploring each other and the Virgin Island that they lived on. Walking barefoot and barebodied in the air that was fresh and pure. Swimming and lazing in the sunlight that reflected shining heat. Lying together entwined always as two pretzels, becoming one. Food was abundant, and noise not anywhere, birds sang softly, and HEAVEN was the joy of being together in this wonderful Land of Enchantment.
Once upon a time... when you touch me in our Haven of Heaven... I often close my eyes and fly high on the love that you have chosen to give to me. I dream of the time when we will finally be free of our many pressures and responsibilities and will be able to just blend together thru Eternity.
I never want to be away from you
and the chains I am putting upon you are Chains of Joy for what you have
given me and for having the patience and fortitude to dream with me and
for me... you are My Heart and I will love you forever...for only you can
share my fantasies and make me FEEL that they are REAL.
A little one with a BIG HEART... Norma Little
LITTLE NORMA LITTLE ...
9/29/87... Sheila "4 foot10 "
She will live within me forever Good or Bad,
She gave me Love I never had,
She made me see the Beauty of night,
Shadows of Two in the pale moonlight,
She made me see the Beauty of day,
How to capture the sun and every tiny Ray,
She made me stop and smell the flowers and feel the warmth of summer showers.
She made me stand and be a man and see myself for what I am.
That is the good I care to remember.
It will live in my heart like a burning ember.
The bad and the hurt will soon go away,
This dear Norma is what I hope for and pray...
I wish forgiveness for causing you pain.
My love for you shall always remain.
Our ties are not severed and we haven't forgot...
We both said forever when we tied the knot.
from Bobby Big to Norma Little.
What hurts the most and makes me
cry
Is not the thought that I am going
to die
It is having to say good-bye
To those who have hurt me the most
And to those
Who have hurt me and betrayed my
trust
The ones I must
Get out of my life
That's the reason I cry.
For the yesterdays that once held
friends I had learned to love.
And trust.
To be betrayed by a friend hurts
inside of your inner soul,
It makes you realize that nobody
is whole
And you are truly alone.
What hurts the most is knowing
that at the end of my life
At the time when I am going to
die
Not one soul remains from the past
And I learned with pain that not
all friendships last
And so I will cry
For the ones to whom I have got
to say good-bye.
What hurts me the most is
knowing that there is only me
No one else matters, you see.
At the end, nobody will be
here to hold my hand.
My life has been build on a layer
of sand
Fragile and easy to destroy
Or topple down my feelings of love.
Yes... once again... I learned
the reasons why I cannot trust.
What hurts me the most is that
I always tried to care... and to share
This is today.
What hurts the most is growing
old all alone without a past
Knowing that nothing I had was
going to last.
And in the end... all I've got
is comfortable home.
Nobody I can turn to but myself
to love
And God above.
I should have realized that only
material things remain in the end
And realized how lucky I was to
be alive as my years went.
As always, I send you rainbows
and lots of hugs
And my magic touch.
I can't hug myself... that's for
sure
And so I wish you lots of good
luck... and more.
And a special good-bye
Learn not to cry.
Amen
According to plan, my sister was
born to 'be given the name of Max'...
Those are true facts.
My grandfather had died and in
our religion and in those days,
A soul did not rest until they
had a 'name' and were replaced.
So I got a baby sister.
Just as I had wished.
When she was able to walk, and
I was about six,
She'd follow me as I led her about
the house to play,
She would repeat whatever I would
say.
Dark curly hair unlike my own straight
mess,
Sometimes she did get on my nerves,
I must confess.
But as the years went by...
We learned to laugh and to cry...
And that special bond never went
away
And still remains.
She's always there when I need her
and sometimes we are close,
No matter what... the love is there...
that I know.
Without you sister dear, my life
would be empty that's for sure.
My sister's name is Marilyn Joyce...
and she used to take my toys,
Nevertheless... we both grew up
and had our lives,
As the years rolled by.
I cannot thank you enough for all
the stuff
And all the things we have shared
You've always been there.
I love you sister, that's a fact...
Even if your name isn't Max.
We don't make plans for our lifetime
and cannot predict what will be,
It is all up to God, you see.
Once I had a little girl who was
so sweet,
And things happened and she went
away from me.
Years went by and she became a grown
woman with a life of her own.
And her own home.
She became her own person ... forgetting
the way things were.
Now it is another time and she is
still so sweet.
The nicest lady you would want
to meet.
And roles are reversed, she gives
me pep talks and tells me things are A-OK...
She always knows what to say...
To brighten up my day.
Life is strange ... and you cannot
change what God has in store,
Nor can you ask for less or more.
But I am happy to have a daughter
named KathiAnn... even if she doesn't always acknowledge that fact
Who cares? I am content with what
we got.
A friendship I think, and a bond
that is there and always will be
She is a lot like me
Yet she is not...
Just KathiAnn ... a lady with a
lot.
Green eyes... smiles and a pretty
face
But a unique personality ... not
a fake.
Happy to know you ... glad you are
there
Wanted you to know... I will always
care.
All my life, I've run into people
who think they are so smart,
But they don't have any heart,
Nor do they know...
How to show...
Their love.
Or how a simple touch...
Can mean so much.
Bewildered and confused trying
to just live my life...
And take things in stride.
Always walking into those who
love to take and don't know how to give...
Or understand MY dreams or MY
wish.
If only...
I could have all the things
I've had to give up over the years,
And just be alone with my tears,
And all my fears.
In order to have my own life...
I have to put my own feelings aside,
Because people really don't
know about love.
They really don't know very
much.
I am not a rainbow.
I have feelings and a heart.
And I am so tired of trying
to explain COPD...
And me...
Because I always choose the
wrong person to share,
The kind incapable of really
knowing how to care.
I give and I give and must always
give up what means the most to me...
Because the one I live with
now cannot see.
Self-centered and into his own
life...
Always forcing me to hide...
Never allowing me to cry...
Just wishing that I would die.
COPD is a horrible disease
It has made me forget how things
should be.
Who wants to live this way?
From day to day?
Giving up your whole life...
because you decide to live
With an old man who thinks love
is a game.
I am truly ashamed...
That I share his name.
And so... I say... think only
of yourself and try not explain.
We all are unique and suffer
in different ways.
With this disease called "COPD"...
How can anybody know ... what
it really is...
Unless they live with it...
and have to give up so much bliss.
I am angry at myself... for falling
into a hole and having to hold on tight
And live with my fear alone
tonight.
I am COPD... and I am also ME
Does ANYBODY understand the
way it has to be?
Starting so young to be so sick...
Oh how I wish...
I could really have some peace...
Leave me be... PLEASE.
Another SS Original
Dated forever.
[December 14, 2003, Sunday in Hell.]
Overwhelmed by my deaf, dumb and
blind world,
Things began to swirl.
And before I knew what had happened
to me...
I was on another trip to Hell.
Trying once again... to GET WELL.
Another break-down; once again unable
to trust...
Because of yesterday and what was.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,
Not at all crazy,
Or lazy.
I just feel too much...
[You and the kids will suffer forever,
he will walk away smiling.]
I just need love and hope...
And a human touch.
I don't drink ... take drugs...
or smoke...
Just need that extra love, that
human touch... and lots of hope.
I ain't a dope.
When you have this horrible disease
[COPD]
A catch-all for all lung and heart
disease,
You know that life is not a game
And should you forget to take care
of yourself
You ain't going to win.
Be ALERT, HONEST AND TRUE.
Avoid people who drain you.
Otherwise... you shall not survive...
Or be able to take things in stride.
Another year has begun for me
And as you can see...
I am still alive.
Don't ask me why.
Oh yes, the trip has been rocky
and rough
But I am tough.
My life ... has been a blend of
many things
But in the end... I did win
Contentment and peace.
We don't always get what we choose
in life
And we don't always take things
in stride.
I didn't ask to get sick so young,
or to have to give up so much
Nevertheless... I did manage to
touch
People that I learned to love.
No regrets, just rainbows and roses
and lots of sad smiles
I have lived for 'many miles'.
And if I had to do it all over again...
would I be the same?
And what would I say?
No regrets, just a life full of
many episodes and full of love and good stuff
Isn't that enough?
Amen
I Smell a Rainbow...
3/18/2004
I never knew that rainbows had a
smell,
Although I could always tell
when one was on the way.
It would be raining that day.
And when the clouds disappeared
in the sky
And everything began to dry.
A rainbow would appear
Nice and bright
Making everything feel just right.
But a friend alerted me to the fact
that rainbows have a special smell.
And so one rainy day
... when I couldn't see that rainbow
in the sky...
I took a deep breath and I could
tell...
That a rainbow had been there that
day.
For as it had passed by... it had
left everything smelling clean and new.
And the world looked brighter,
too.
There was a special smell in the
air
That had not been there.
Now I close my eyes and I can tell...
That delicious smell...
When I cannot see...
The rainbow cross the sky...
After the rain has passed by.
Did you ever smell a rainbow?
It is the smell of life and hope.
For all the men, women and boys
who went to War,
Not understanding what for.
Fighting for Freedom for us and
the rest of the world.
Doing what they were told.
Dying in a strange place.
What a horrible way to go.
We must get rid of terrorists and
those jealous of our freedom and ability to enjoy life.
Free to say, not worry, about strife.
Liberty for all... we must stand
tall.
Thank you for fighting for us.
Doing a good job keeping
us free.
This is the way War is and we bless
you for this.
May God protect all those left
And all those gone
For Freedom.
Amen
I Hear the Birds Sing...
5/14/2003
Life has a way of making you smile,
The little things are what I keep
in file
inside of my head.
Nothing to dread.
Today I feel so much better after
months of being a mess.
In the quiet of today,
As I ponder about my way
I heard the birds sing!
What a lovely sound... much sweeter
then the telephone's ring.
Or the doorbell.
Who can tell what will be?
Certainly not me!
But today I am alive and praying
for a friend,
Knowing full well that everything
has an end.
Hearing the birds singing made me
smile and realize that this too shall pass,
For nothing really does last,
And I am so lucky to be
ME.
Today I found my dimpled smile,
Listening to those birds singing
all the while.
My Old Man and My Young Man
5/23/2004
I have the ability to see... I am
quite clairvoyant
And so today... I saw another event
My former love will be a grandpa
again
I just didn't know when.
So I picked up the phone and we
had a nice chat
About this and that.
The baby is due in 9 months time
He wondered how I knew...
But I just said 'congratulations
to you'.
Once I had an old man and a young
man in my life,
It was not too long ago... and
sometimes I hide
What was really true
Because it makes me so blue.
I gave up the young man ... my boy
toy.
And I live with the old man who
I love.
When push came to shove
I chose reality.
This is today and I am lucky to
be alive
And able to take all of my life
in stride
Put things into perspective
And pray
God has been so good to me...
My first born son called me today
And so ... this is what I say
Love yourself and do the very best
Because God will always give you
a test.
The choice is up to you
I chose something new.
To me- God is a Rainbow
Protecting us and keeping us safe,
no matter where we go.
He [or she] is many colors and
many faiths
Depending on what you believe
Giving us Hope.
God is a Rainbow- whether
a he or a she.
Depends on what you see.
Many colors and many creeds
Answering our prayers and keeping
us safe
It depends on what YOU believe.
For me...
God is a Rainbow
He [or she] answers me when I am
in need
And shows himself [or herself]
by giving me a Rainbow in the sky
I can see his [or her] shadow way
up high.
Is God really a Rainbow?
I repeat: It is what YOU believe.
And what you see
For me- God is a colorful Rainbow
in the sky
Who consoles me when I cry
And fulfills my dreams.
God is an allusion- a spirit up
above
Projecting love
Colorful and bright
A glorious sight.
Crystal Raindrops
7/2/04
Raindrops like diamonds falling
from up high
Flying down from the sky.
Hiding the sun's rays.
Cascading down and dropping slowly
onto the grass
Like droplets of pure glass.
Try to catch a raindrop as it flies
Like magic from the sky.
Glittering like diamonds
coming from up above
Crystal raindrops showering us
with love.
Tomorrow the sun may shine
But right now- watching this lovely
sight is just fine.
Cleansing raindrops pure as gold
What a lovely sight to behold.