Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin' even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead,
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirrow.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name.

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penney's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's.

To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway--chargeaway--chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT.......YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!."

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought practical gifts.
Pass it on to the wise women in your life.

It only takes 30 seconds.

Work this out as you read.

Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out.!!!>

1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you like to go out.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747.

6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. See below:

RESULTS:

You should now have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week.)
The second two digits are your age!!! It really works!!!!!!!!!!

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the toughter it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch...do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him...)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

LOG ON: making da vood stove hotter
LOG OFF: don't add no more vood
MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove
MEGAHERTZ: vhen da big log drops on your barefoot in da morning
FLOPPYDISK: vhat you get from pilingk too much vood
RAM: da hydraulic thing dat makes da vood splitter vork
HARDDRIVE: getting home during most of da vinter
PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season
ENTER: come on in
WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets below zero
SCREEN: vhat ya gotta fix on da vindows during black fly season
CHIP: vhat ya munch during Vikings games
MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bag vhen da chips are gone
MODEM: vhat ya did to da hayfields last Yuly
DOT MATRIX: Eino Matrix's wife
LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit
KEYBOARD: vhere ya suppose to hang da keys so da Misses can find them
SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utensils, ya?
MOUSE: vhat da cat brinks in from da barn
MAINFRAME: da part of da sauna dat holds up da roof
PORT: vhere da commercial fishin guys tie up dere boats
DOCKING STATION: da same as PORT
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: vhen ya can't remember how much ya spent on da new deer rifle vhen da wife asks about it.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
by Erma Bombeck, see under heading THOUGHTS