~DOG RULES~

I will not jump up on the door (which causes it to lock) when Mommy goes out to get the paper in the morning in her pajama's. I have found that she does not appreciate the neighbors driving by and wave at her while she is climbing into the window.

I will not attack cactus and then bark at it when it bites back.

Being patted on the head is not a signal to roll over on my back so the patting hand can then rub my belly.

Chewed up underwear/poop from the backyard is NOT a "toy" to be offered to guests.

I don't have to bring all those bright yellow sacks into the backyard that the nice neighbors leave on the curb every week for the big trash truck.

I am not an alarm clock. Mommy does *not* need to be woken at the same time *every* day.

I do not have to mark Mommy's car as my territory.

I do not need to dribble my last drink of toilet water all over Mommy's bed.

I do not need to soak my Chewman toys in the toilet.

I do not need to hold the makeup mirror is an intruder and try to attack it.

I will not be friendly to my Mommy's friend's when they are sitting down, and then cower from them when they do something scary like stand up.

I will NOT become too attached to my Mommy's leg (I am neutered).

I will not bowl Mom over and run into the house before she bends over to wipe all my muddy paws.

I will not bury my gooey chewy in my Mommy's bed.

I will not carry my Chewman by the crotch. It makes male guests nervous. Especially when the female guests begin to chuckle.

I will not chase the windshield wipers when it is raining and I get to sit in the front seat of the truck.

I will not chew my chew hoof under the middle of Mom's bed at 2 a.m.

I will not consider it my personal duty to search all handbags, diaper bags or suitcases that visitors may bring into my home and leave unattended.

I will not curl up in the basket while Mommy is trying to fold the laundry.

I will not dig to China through *anybody's* garden.

I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my behind) across the carpet while guests are present.

I will not drink sloppily from my water bowl and then run up to Mommy to give her a big wet kiss.

I will not drool over the computer keyboard while my Mommy is out of the room getting a beer.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

I will not empty my glands while we are all in bed under the covers at 6 a.m.

I will not expose myself to female visitors.

I will not get jealous and demand a backrub when Mommy's getting one.

I will not get in the dryer and steal all the clean underwear to make sure it is really clean.

I will not give Mommy a big sloppy kiss after licking my penis for 10 minutes.

I will not go swimming in the lake immediately following my bath.

I will not hide Mom's slippers any more.

I will not hump the feather duster whilst making ungodly noises in front of my Mommy's friends. It is not lady like.

I will not insist on getting under the covers, staying under them ten minutes, then come rushing out because I'm too hot.

I will not jump on guests and boink them in the groin with my nose.

I will not jump on the bed and wash Mommy's pillow anymore.

I will not knock Mom in the head while she bends over and tries to wipe my muddy feet.

I will not leave balls on the stairs.

I will not leave the Agility Ring to greet humans I know that are just arriving at the show.

I will not lick Mom's toes while she is sleeping.

I will not lie on Mummy, pinning her to the floor.

I will not lift my leg on Mom while she is asleep. (Oops! I got neutered for that one.)

I will not make Mommy feel guilty about "abandoning" me to go to work by giving her "the Big Sad Eyes" through the back door. Dog food doesn't grow on trees you know.

I will not make Mommy get off the couch to let you out, per your request, just so you can have the warm spot she is in.

I will not masturbate in front of new guests.

I will not pant enough to shake the car when my humans are trying to take a nap while travelling.

I will NOT pounce on Mommy's stomach when she is napping on the couch.

I will not press my face piteously against the window while we are driving so people think I am being abducted.

I will not pull the plug on/turn off/reset the computer while Mommy is trying to do work/play a game.

I will not put my head through the mini blinds when Mom forgets to pull them up.

I will not reset the alarm clock, making my Mommy late for work, just because I think they could use the day off.

I will not rest my head on the bed, 2 inches from my Mom's face at 2 AM, and then blow to clear out my boxer sinus' if she doesn't wake up immediately to let me outside.

I will not roll the ottoman around the house humping it while the guest are visiting.

I will not run away from Mom, causing all of the neighbors to laugh as she chases me. The neighbors all know I that my Mommy is a dog trainer, I guess I should also.

I will not run up and lick Mommy's face after having slobbered all over the dead bird to whom I gave a heart attack.

I will not shake hands with a guest, then flop down onto his feet while I clean my No-No.

I will not sit on guests' laps after I have taken a dump.

I will not steal hard candy, crunch and munch on it and leave candy coated drool to dry into the rug.

I will not steal things from the bathroom trash and try to sneak downstairs with them. If caught, I will 'fess up instead of trying to suck the object into the back of my mouth.

I will not take excessive delight in pushing around a guest's smelly boots.

I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.

I will not tear off at 80 mph every time I catch a new smell to track, especially when my Mommy is holding my leash.

I will not try to climb on Mommy's lap when he/she is using the laptop computer.

I will not try to retrieve my once gooey chewy from my Mommy's bed in the middle of the night.

I will not try to smell my Mommy's friends private parts.

I will not wait until Mommy get's into bed, before I decide I need to barf. (This has happened too many times!)

I will not whine at Mommy to lie down and play with me but then ignore her and go eat my food.

If I must whip my head around frantically to try to smell the hand that is petting me, I will do it with my mouth CLOSED. I will get whacked if I draw blood again.

If I jump up on Mummy, I will knock her down, getting me scolded.

If I trip my Mommy so she falls on her face, slobbering all over her face does *not* make her happy.

In the car, I will not tread on the electric window switch just as my Mommy is paying at the tollbooth.

It is not nice to hit the end of the leash at a dead run...when Mom is on her new Rollerblades.

It makes Mommy nervous when I rest my head on her knee while she's on the potty.

Just because I hear Mommy's truck doesn't mean I have to scream at the top of my little doxie lungs.

Just because it rings, there's no need for me to knock the receiver off the phone and breathe heavily into the mouthpiece. [This can lead the caller to get the wrong impression!]

My brother's and sister and I don't have to tag team everyone who comes to the door. (Picture two 70 lb. Boxers and two 40 lb. Boxer and Boston coming from all directions, and all VERY glad to see you.)

Not everyone loves me, so I will not fling myself at all and sundry. Especially when I have been eating/rolling on week-old bones.

Rolling in unmentionable things does NOT make me smell attractive.

Trying to dig to China before I lie down merely annoys my Mommy.

When at the grocery store I will not perform lewd lesbian acts on my older sister in the back of the truck while Mommy goes for food for us.

When I sleep under Mommy's truck, I will not position myself directly under the oil leak. It is bad enough that her truck always smells like oil; her dog shouldn't have to.

When neighbors are over I will not run around the house with my Mommy's new, expensive, and partially consumed Wonder Bra hanging out of my mouth.

Whenever someone comes to visit, I will not jump up on the car door and leave pretty claw marks on the shiny paint!

Barking at the newspaperman at 6 a.m. *every morning* is not necessary!

I will learn that howling whenever I hear sirens does not help the firemen find their way.