The Independent's resident humourist quotes some more home truths...

Albanian proverbs are not like ours.

From time to time I bring you a selection of Albanian proverbs, and I do so again today. Albanian proverbs are not like ours. Ours always sound boringly a bit like household hints ("Don't cry over spilt milk", "A stitch in time saves nine," and so on) whereas Albanian proverbs may not be much help in daily life but they do provoke endless thought and reverie ("All hymns have happy endings", for example, or "In the country of the flip-flop, the shoe-shine boy starves"). Whenever I bring you a selection of Albanian proverbs such as the following, someone always writes in (often an Albanian) and asks if these are genuine Albanian proverbs. Indeed, one person once wrote and said: "Who ever heard of a genuine Albanian proverb?" Which was, as it happens, a genuine Albanian proverb. Here we go, then... Tell me what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread, and I will tell you what was the new rock 'n' roll before rock 'n' roll was new. When Christianity finally fades away, churches will seem a very extravagant way of displaying a clock face. When a man and a dog are joined together by a dog lead, it is the man who thinks he is leading but the dog who goes first. No two people can ever be lifelong friends unless they die at exactly the same moment. The only safe place to grow cannabis is in a policeman's garden. A man without a bookmark must read to the end of a book without stopping. Two great Wimbledon mysteries. Why are players' nationalities always given? And why is the marital status of the female player always put on the scoreboard, but never the men's? Why is it that at the end of a day a man discards his shirt as dirty, but not his trousers? No bird flies around in threes. If you ever have to disguise yourself as a cow, for heaven's sake remember to get up to a standing position back legs first. Should you ever want to confuse an Englishman, simply ask him why an off-licence is called an off-licence. No man is an island but most of us are peninsulas. Ordnance Survey does not sound nearly as sinister as "military map". But they both mean the same thing. When rain stops play, the umbrella-maker smiles. If cars had never been invented, the stench of horse manure in a multi-storey carriage park would be unbearable. Has anyone actually heard someone cry "Stop Thief!"? Has anyone ever seen sackcloth and ashes? Does the moon ever turn blue? And does it stop us talking about such things? The great disadvantage of a wheelbarrow is that you can't jump in it and pop down to the shops. The great advantage of a wheelbarrow is that nobody has ever been run over and killed by one. All quotations taken from 'The Great Book of Albanian Proverbs', 1998 edition.