Goran, Goran, gone Ivanisevic wins the Wimbledon title, 9-7 in the final set over Pat Rafter. The defeated finallist in 92-4-8 - and wild card entry this year - triumphs over last year's runner-up. Both men say they're retiring at the end of the season, leaving the way open for other grass court players to take next year's title. Bet none of them will be called Tim, though.

Driving Kati Torok:
I always get to the conclusion that we only copied the worst practices of the "western" world during the last 10 years. All the junk culture, the cheesy talk shows where 10 guests explain how their mother doesn't accept their spouses and what kinds of evil practises she uses to alienate them, and the like... Plus the stupid driving of course...
You've got the basic concepts that underlie capitalism - the examples you've given show that the profit incentive is paramount. The subtle nuances took centuries for the west to develop, so they might take a few generations to gain a foothold in the former eastern bloc.

There's already a good start - Estonia has won Eurosong. Ten years ago, Estonia was a province of the USSR and pretended not to watch Eurosong.

the 2 things i hate the most are stupid girls who can't drive, but nevertheless drive SUVs
People who cannot drive should be off the road.

The other ones are the stupid snobby guys with too much hair gel playing Formula One all the time in the streets, and who blow their horns at you if you don't speed off one second before the light turns green because they have it soooooooooo urgent.
Hang on, if they're *really* playing formula one drivers, they expect to be left standing when the light says go. Just ask former champion Mika Hakkinnen.

About the only interesting thing at work is a call from a telemarketing agent. Normally, these people come on the line, ask for my manager, and get asked to call back in a few days, or two weeks time, depending on how annoying and pushy they are, how irritated I am by them, and the phase of Saturn. Nothing more unpleasant; they have a job to do, so do I, and while they may not intersect, good manners cost nothing.
This one, though, was a bit different. A softly spoken young lady, representing a recruitment dotcom. Took what she was given - my name and position - and worked her way from there. Used the information cleverly, asked appropriate questions, and probably acted more sensibly than I did when confronted by a competent marketer. I couldn't push business her way, which is not unusual. That slightly disappointed me, and that might be a first.
I know this is the time of year for students to get shitty work, and she's probably working primarily on commission, but there's enough of a connection to warm the day. I wish her well.

Big Brother and The One No-one's Watching Salliwoo:
Heh heh! Who do you want to win Iain? I don't care as long as its not Paul, he seems so smug and obnoxious to me! I keep voting for him and still he remains, arrrgggh!
Paul Must Go. I voted for Penny, on the grounds of madness. Stuart, coz he was *so* rude to Amma, and we like former exotic dancers here. I would have voted Narinder out, had I been in the country. Paul's got my vote for the past two weeks, as Bubble and Amma brought something to the house. Paul doesn't.

As for a winner: I'd like Liz to win, on the grounds that she *is* the new Anna. Ditch Paul now, eliminate Josh and (probably) Helen over the next two weeks. Brian and Dean are also worthy finalists.

Simon
not sure about the terminology, lab rat or goldfish bowl television? sure someone will correct me
Staged Reality Television, I reckon.

the amazing lack of survivor! surely this is compulsive viewing
Compulsive viewing for those who find it really hard to drop off to sleep. The only interesting bit is when Big Trousers sets the contestants a challenge, or fishes into the Dairy Pot. The remaining 48 minutes can be slept through with no loss of plot whatsoever.

I *have* been The Other Survivor Viewer, but missed two episodes when I was out of the country. In spite of reading the updates on the website, I still forgot who half the contestants were on my return.

the last few weeks have contained kebabed rats, people standing on a log in the middle of the sea for 23 hours in a sick attempt to crush the human spirit as we know it?!
We've had rip-offs of The Krypton Factor, Countdown, Fifteen-To-One, Number One, Touch The Truck, Treasure Hunt, The Price Is Right, Crystal Maze... the list is as long as the host's shorts. When they start playing a game based on Going For Gold, we *know* they've run out of ideas.

as they reach the final leg, the whole lord of the flies mentality is going to kick in with a vengeance.
Maybe, but does anyone actually *care*?

compare that with the oh too literal metaphor of teaching old dogs new tricks on big brother
It's a good job we voted Penny out when we did. That could have been embarrassing.

Big Brother only has 25 days to run. Survivor still has four episodes. Spot the difference.

ON at uni Kati:
What major would Angela have taken, should the series have gone on till then?
As I said in 1997, when it would have been happening on screen, Angela would have started as an English major, but may well have moved towards the cut and thrust of journalism. She remembers the excitement, the rush of the Liberty Lit.

Hurrah to Lixz for remembering the suggestion.

And where would she study? Close to home or far from home?
Fairly close to home. Far enough away that living with the parents is not practical, but close enough to return home regularly.

And what about the others?? Chersky,
Year out working before starting class, then probably headed towards womens' studies.

Brian (duh),
Ivy League scientist.

Jordan (!)
Can't see him going straight from school, but could well come in as a mature entrant in ten years time.

Rayanne (?)
One and a half years of drama before she drops out.

Ricky, Delia
I can see one or more of these heading to politics or economics as a precursor to social activism afterwards.

Danielle
Another maths major - she's smarter than she'd like us to think, or something.

Duh One of our remote offices calls to get a new computer on the network. Note the last three words of that sentence. We tinker and tat for about ten minutes, trying to figure out why it's not logging on to the network. Check the settings, check the configuration, check the nationality of Ivan Lendl. Then check the light on the network card. There isn't one. The lead isn't plugged in. Quite how our team expected to get on the network without the network lead is beyond me. Maybe they thought telepathy could be brought into play...

Q&A On a tip from Brendan.

(1a) Your favourite day of the year: The day in late February or early March when it's just about warm enough to step outside without a jumper.
And the day in October or November when a jumper becomes mandatory.
(1b) Why?: The worst of winter / summer is over.
(2) Your LEAST favourite colour: Lime green. It's not me.
(3) State which you would most like to live other than your current: I don't live in a currant, raisin, or any other form of dried grape.
(4) Country other than the US you would most like to live: I don't live in the US, either. But living in Canada has its attractions, even Canada South.
(5) If you had to lose one of your senses, which would it be?: Smell. It's hardly there to begin with.

(6) If you could have any super power what would it be?: Reading minds.
(7) If you could turn back time just once, when would you go?: See earlier answer. The Wixzard was here first.
(8) If you could peer into any time in the future, when would you look?: Saturday's winning lottery numbers.
(9) If you had to choose someone else to BE for the rest of your life, who would you be?: Kaycee (:
(10) If you could choose someone else to BE for 24 hours, who would you be?: Superman, Bananaman, Wonder Woman, the Pink Ranger. We can be heroes. Just for one day.

(11) If you could change one thing and one thing only about the world, what would it be?: An end to all organised religion. It brings far more suffering than joy.
(12) If you had to be another animal, what would you choose to be?: Cat.
(13) If money were no object, what would your dream job be?: TV critic.
(14) If you HAD to kill one person, and nothing would be held against you afterwards, who would it be?: Robert mugabe, quodnam president of Zimbabwe. The country deserves better.
(15) If you could only use 5 words for the rest of your life, what would they be?: You are the weakest link.

(16) Would you rather be married to someone you can never truly love or to someone who can never truly love you?: The latter.
(17) If you had to have been born in another, non-english speaking country, where would you choose?: [drum roll] The US [ba-boom!]
(18) If it meant losing your legs, would you like to have fully functioning wings?: Yes. Think how much fun it would be splatting drivers in the traffic jam.
(19) If you had to pick someone with whom you had to be stranded with on a tropical island forever, who would it be?: This would involve naming current listies.

(20a) What personal habit of others annoys you the most?: Being too loud.
(20b) What personal habit of yours annoys you the most?: Being too loud.
(21) If you were about to die and had the chance to talk to only one person who would it be?: Ali. It has to be done.
(22) If you had to die now or live forever, which would you choose?: Live forever!

Work is mainly cloning one PC disk to another, and setting up the changes properly. Not too hard a task, but taking the lid off two old PCs exposes a lot of dust. For someone who has only just got over this year's hay fever, it's not good news.

Telemarketers redux Brendan:
See, we're not all bad.
Though anyone who tries to object when I make it clear I'm ending the call *is* going to be hearing a solid tone very quickly. If it's over, it's over, please accept it.

'There's no such person.'
Person X has left the company is a fib that might wash. Person X never existed is not.

'I'm not interesting.'
Someone you called said that? Well, full marks for honesty.

'Carrie doesn't live here anymore.'
They have Cliff fans in the US?! Next thing, you'll be telling me that they have Gretchen Peters fans there.

'You don't call here no more, cappiche?' (this from a NJ resident - a Soprano perhaps?)
Wow, someone actually offering to buy you a frothy coffee. Cool. (I would put Whorebucks on the agenda for the next London gathering, but somehow I think Sara would set Toby on me if I did.)

'F'k you too.'
What do you think this is, an audition for Big Brother? (Vote early, vote often, vote Josh. Or just vote Josh.) (I was also going to suggest paying a visit to Chateau Grand Frere, but dragging a fractious child half way to the end of London may not be such a smart move. Ah well.)

Unfortunately, not many of the people I call are so enlightened. And I have to say it, many people who live in Georgia are scary.
They live in Georgia. A quick look at the lawbook shows they're actually asserting their requirement under the state constitution: everyone who lives in Georgia must be in a state, and that state will frighten away other newcomers. Just look at the drivers they imported to drive people around the freeways when the Olympics were in town: they were so frightened of rush hour traffic that they refused to drive.

However, it's really not my week to be messing with the fire element. There's been a distinct lack of hot water for the past few days, and it's so bad that the shower just will not run hot today. Turns out that the boiler's pilot light has gone out, and needs to be relit. I try to follow the instructions, then spot that the setting that counts is actually on the side of the dial, not on the top. It's lit in the end, and everyone's happy.

Jaeda:
Does anyone have a clue as to what on earth this is?
As Paulo said, it's the Nigerian Oil Scam again. Anyone who responds to this is led down the track of Huge, Vast, Dodgily Obtained wealth, which you can share in if you let some money rest in your bank account. Eventually, the mug is invited to Africa, kidnapped, and held for ransom.

Best not to get involved... besides, there are a number of things that are fundamentally fake about this letter.

From: Paul Agono [mailto:paulagono@onebox.com]
Free email provider.

PAUL AGONO ESQ. OKEAYA INNEH LAW CHAMBER BOOK SHOP BUILDING, 11TH FLOOR 23 BROAD STREET, LAGOS - NIGERIA
Letter written completely in capital letters. And there's no 11 storey tower on Broad Street, Lagos.

SIR
*Very* well targetted mail.

HAMZA AL MUSTAPHA WHO WAS THE FORMER CHIEF SECURITY OFFICER
Only he wasn't, and (AFAIK) never existed.

THE LATE GENERAL SANI ABACHA DIED UNEXPECTEDLY ON THE 8TH OF JUNE 1998. HIS COLLEAGUES IN THE ARMY POISONED HIM
Well, not quite. He, er, died of an overdose of Viagra. Self-administered male libido drug.

Rest of the letter snipped on the grounds of complete illegibility. It does assert that Lagos is the national capital, which is completely untrue. I leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine the *accurate* name of the national capital.

Chart Week

#1 (#1) Lady Marmalade - Christina Aguilera / Mya / Lil' Kim / Pink (wk 10, #1 for 4 wks)

#2 (68) Eternity / The Road To Mandalay - Robbie Williams (wk 1, #2)

#3 (60) D12 - Purple Pills (wk 1, #3)

#4 (#7) Another Chance - Roger Sanchez (wk 2, #4)

#5 (#2) Angel - Shaggy / Rayvon (wk 19, #1 for 3 weeks)

#6 (#4) U Remind Me - Usher (wk 3, #4)

#7 (15) Heaven Is A Halfpipe - OPM (wk 2, #7)

#8 *new Perfect Gentlemen - Wyclef Jean (wk 1, #8)

#9 (#3) There You'll Be - Faith Hill (wk 4, #3)

10 (#9) A Little Respect - Wheatus (wk 2, #9)

12 (52) Pop - N'Sync (wk 1, 12)

16 *new Castles In The Sky - Ian Van Dahl (wk 1, 16)

31 (39) Someone To Call My Lover - Janet Jackson (wk 2, 31)

35 *new Juxtaposed With U - Super Furry Animals (wk 1, 35)

42 (72) I Don't Want A Lover '01 - Texas (wk 1, 42)

45 *new Frontier Psychiatrist - The Avalanches (wk 1, 45)

50 *new Sometimes - Ash (wk 1, 50)

Survivor: is it the end yet?

Big Trousers shows the team short video clips from home, then sets them a challenge. The person who gets furthest along a course off the ground in 30 seconds can see the complete vignette. Charlotte does well, but Richard does better. Big Trousers sees this as an emotional game; it left me reaching for the sick bucket.

The team moans that their island is totally barren of fruit and edible roots. It isn't, but they're barred from damaging the island structure. This may be the biggest problem the show has faced: it's a paradise where the contestants can look, but they can't touch. In that respect, it's totally artificial, even though it pretends not to be. Big Brother is totally artificial, but has no qualms about admitting that.

Big Trousers has another challenge. Build a stretcher raft, rescue a diver, bring them back to shore. Eve wins. Is it voting time yet? Zoe alleges that rice is missing, and leads Jackie to think Mick is responsible. Both Jackie and Zoe think they've got Mick's vote in their favour.

Voting time. NGE - Deut 13:35 is on Pete's shirt. Big Trousers opens the dairy pot. Charlotte 3, Zoe 3. On countback, Char 1, Zoe 5.

Apparently, there's to be a book after the series ends. Reserve your copy for £10.98 by calling the number on screen. Or buy it in a bookstore for £9.99 if - sorry, *when* - the series ends. Or buy it in a remainder store for 50p next January.

This episode scored 5.6m viewers and a 25% share. That's about average for the series, though not much more than half ITV's hopes.

Big Brother Week Seven

The Shrink on BB spots that Brian's attempts at being funny with Josh are falling flatter than a pancake that's been under a steamroller. This is because Brian, Bubble and Narinder all followed the code of Being Nasty Politely. Lots of eye contact and sticking to a mutually agreeable subject, apparently. Brian doesn't even look at Josh when the insults fly, so they *are* insults.
Paul uses mirrors a lot. He doesn't know if he's getting a positive vote from the public, or he's surviving because people hate his opponent. Paul touching the back of his head is a signal that this is what he'd like others to do to him, he's also flexing his shoulders in a semi-agressive stance.

Paul would be annoyed if Josh turns out to be straight. Really annoyed, we can see the blood rushing to his head. Paul tries to defend that it would be a big fib; Josh and Liz raise the spectre of homophobia, and Josh compares it to saying someone had lost their parents in a car crash. This raises the spectre of someone who claimed their wife had died in a car crash, the otherwise missing Nick Bateman character.

The nominations are revealed. By chance, Josh and Helen are next to each other on the couch, holding hands. When they hear the news, the handclasp breaks. Paul says, "...so where's my name?" Then he checks Josh and Helen are fine... and does a leap of joy. Not that this appears on C4. Boo.

Big Brother has set up a dinner party for pairs of contestants. Helen and Paul are dancing like dancing monkeys. They'll go in the den, Liz and Dean will go to the conservatory, and Brian and Josh will eat in the girls' room. "There'll be luurve-making tonight," promises Brian. Ironically. He thinks. But he and Dean quiz Helen about what might happen.

Brian and Josh treat the meal as a fake date. They could have made *such* a good comedy double-act. Brian reckons Josh is a really nice guy, and repeats this all night. Josh jokingly asks for a Monica, Brian remarks how nice a guy Josh is.

Paul is discusses cow dung. Some big hugging, Paul playfully dumps Helen on the cushions. Davina reckons that the two were almost at it. Dream on, dear.

Thursday, and why is there a checker-board quilt in the boys' room? That's girls' room decor? And who's that in Bubble's bed? It's Helen! The team is given a painting task. Who writes "I love sex" on her back? (Hint, it's not Liz.) And who prints from that paint onto his chest. (No clues.) And who remains talking in the conservatory till 3am?

In the Friday almost-live broadcast, we learn that Gareth, Helen's on-off boyfriend, has decided that he doesn't want to go out with her any more. He declines to appear on the programme. Helen won't be on the programme much, either; it's Josh who's out, and by a country mile - 84%-16%. It's quiet immediately afterwards, almost 10 seconds before Helen squeals with joy.

It was hard for Josh to bond with the existing housemates, certainly. He felt somewhat subdued by his late entrance, would probably have coped better had he been in from day one, and the others didn't really get to know him. Josh admits that the nudity didn't happen, fun was a backgammon set, and don't mention the sex.
Discuss how Paul doesn't get that being gay is not a way into seeing women naked. "He's stupid," says Josh to wild applause. He likes Liz, to a polite ripple. Brian is cited as loud and screechy, while Helen is herself. There's animosity behind the diplomatic facade.

Of the remaining five, I still rate Liz highly, perhaps Brian just over Dean - the coming few days will show Brian without his worst relationship.

My ranking: Liz - Brian - Dean - Helen - Paul.
Bookies: Brian - Dean - Helen - Liz - Paul.

Pinochet Is Bonkers - Official A Chilean court rules that Augusto Pinochet is too ill to continue standing trial, ending attempts to prosecute the former dictator. The three judges at the appeals court voted two to one to suspend the legal action against Pinochet. The general was detained in the UK under dubious circumstances for 18 months between 1998 and 2000, over charges that he ordered the death or abduction of 1800 people when he ruled Chile.

Tuesday's first round of voting in the Conservative Party election was inconclusive. Michael Portfolio topped the list with 49 votes, Iain Duncan-Smith got 39, Kenneth "Nobby" Clark 36. There was a tie for last place, with MyLord Michael Ancram and David Who Davies both scoring 21. There were calls for Portfolio to decide who to eject, as the strongest link in that round. There were calls for both candidates to leave the island, in a rule that really should be applied on Survivor. But no, both continued to the next round.
That took place Thursday. The results: Portfolio 50 (+1) IDS 42 (+3) Nobby 39 (+3) Who 18 (-3) MyLord 17 (-4). Anne Widdecombe, the woman in black at the centre, decreed MyLord Ancram the weakest candidate, and bade him farewell. Look for most of his vote to transfer to Nobby in the next round on Tuesday.
None of it will go to Who, who withdrew from the election Friday. His vote will go to IDS, but it's unclear how many of his supporters will defect to Portfolio, and how many left-leaning backers of his will shift allegiance to Nobby in a "Stop IDS" campaign.

Office building mail chutes, invented in 1883, are on the way out. The main problem: their tendency to jam when people insert oversize or over folded mail. Leading the campaign is the anonymous widow who recently got two letters mailed during World War II but only delivered after a chute backlog was discovered during a building renovation. Her late husband wrote one letter to her, and one to the woman he was having an affair with.

Oversized software firm Microshaft will allow computer manufacturers to sell its Panes software without the Internet Exploder software. This software, described as an "integral part of the crashing system" by chairman Willy Picketfence in court recently, allows users to do absolutely nothing. The decision, an opening shot in out-of-court negotiations with the US department of timidity, would a clear admission of perjury from Picketfence and other Microshaft intimates, including vice-chair Steve Bullshotter.
Except that it's complete and utter crap. Microshaft's press release (available on a web page that we couldn't read without using text-only browser Lynx) reveals: Panes mugs will be able to use the Looser Programs feature in Panes Chi-Rho to remove the pretty little blue letter on their Front Pane. The Exploder software itself will remain part of the Chi-Rho plate glass.' IEradicator is a freeware program that removes all versions of IE from Panes 94 and above. It is made by the fine people behind 98Lite.

Peking is awarded the 2008 Olympics. The International Athletics Board is not happy about this, as the javelin contest cannot now take place. The government of Red China has vowed to confiscate all these implements for violating its airspace.
The International Olympic Committee sees nothing wrong with the anti-democratic repression of 1 billion people in Red China - after all, this group takes all its decisions behind closed doors and refuses to be held accountable for its actions. It'll feel right at home in Red China.
Apologists for the IOC say that the Red Chinese government will now be "under a spotlight" on its gross human rights abuses. We're not sure who will be installing the halogen lamp, but we know who won't. Step forward Juan Antonio Samaranch, head of the IOC. When a small group of that august organ travelled the six cities to view the facilities and arrangements, the Catalan fascist himself barred them from reporting on human rights.

Stat Of The Week: The Lycos 50
1 (1) Dragonball [a cartoon]
2 (9) Wimbledon [how very common]
3 (18) Big Brother [As seen in UK, AU, US]
4 (2) Tattoos [Edinburgh remains popular]
5 (4) Napster [closed down, shut, finished]

Down:
25 (7) The Fast And The Furious [documentary about the M25]

New:
31 Tour de France [Phil Liggett, come in]
37 Chandra Levy [missing]
50 Alicia Keys [3rd act to launch from the MEN IN BLACK soundtrack]