Sara
I got in!!!
Whoo-hoo! [/homer_j_simpson]

Now I get to go shopping for school stuff
Pen. Pad. Notebook. Folder. Bag. Huge wallet for all the societies that will want you to join - the religious ones, grouped as GodSoc; the debating team, DebSoc; the political ones, BlueSoc, YelloSoc and RedSoc; the sewing circle, DarnSoc; the group of people who can't navigate, LostSoc; and footwear fetishists, SockSoc.

Ross is caling to complain now - or at least to find out how much NEXT months bill will be.
Oh dear. Hope he's off the phone by Saturday. SKY customer service is a complete misnomer, really. Ages and ages to get through, then they talk the talk but don't walk the walk. A duck is better.

Brendan speaks of
my most worn out tapes
Ah, tapes. Cassettes. Yes, they do wear out. This is not a problem with any of the Formats Of The Future. MP3s don't wear out, they just lose a bit on the side. The Minidisc doesn't wear out, it merely expands. But neither of these problems afflicts the ultimate in unbreakable music: The Flexidisc.

Yes, the flexidisc. As given away on magazine covers and to fan club members during the late 70s and well into the 80s. Let's not forget: the flexidisc was designed to withstand crushing, pressing and bending far more than a normal record, cassette or even CD. It is totally indestructable, as listeners to GLR Breakfast found out on Wednesday. The Smash Hits cover flexi from Christmas 82 still sounds as good as new.

Craig
people ask for directions everyday.
Tell me about it! As regular viewers know, I'm currently working in London, walking to and from Marylebone station. It's rare that a day passes when someone doesn't come up to me, asking for Suchansuch Street, or Thingummy Grove, or where the nearest tube station is. For streets, I'll point them in the right direction and hope. For the tube station, I'll direct them explicitly. It's made easier when the destination is six steps behind them, as one North American found out Friday morning:

He "Say, d'ya know where I might find Great Portland Street tooob?"
Me "Turn round. It's right behind you."
He "Gee, swell."

Angela
Even though I purchased a whole seat for Zoe on the trip to Las Vegas, they are STILL charging me $50 at check-in!
I believe that US Presidential hopeful Albert Gore has a bee in his bonnet about nefarious practices by airlines. Write the FTC, FAA, Rep, Sen, and especially the airlines' president. How you're now far less likely to consider flying with them, based on the shoddy treatment you've received. In the current climate, any suggestion that they would lose business will go down like a lead balloon.

What does everyone think of the crop of presidential "hopefuls" so far?
Well, with the election due on the 31st of this month, it looks as though defending President Leonid Kuchma is a shoo-in to retain the Ukranian leadership. In a mock ballot staged by the country's universities, Kuchma took 31.7% of the poll, ahead of radical leftist Natalia Vitrenko (12.57%) and center candidate - and former Prime Minister Yevhen Marchuk (9.55%) Kuchman is facing a battle against leftist opponents of his cautious reform plans. Vitrenko suggests a return to a government-regulated economy, restoring its Soviet-era nuclear arsenal and reneging on its huge foreign debts. C'way Kuchman!

Craig
Al Gore is a piece of wood
In my career, I've come to know many pieces of wood. Senator, you're no piece of wood.

as senator lloyd bentsen *should* have said to dan quayle in the 88 vp debate.

George W. is a coke fiend.
Speaking as a dyed-in-the-wool Pepsi man myself, he won't be getting my vote. Not that I have a vote, but he won't be getting it.

shimelle and Nick in Room 101
door-to-door people. i know they're making their living. or volunteering for some deserving charity. or they are following their religious beliefs.
Ah, yes, the Church Of Latter Day Door Knockers. They think that their souls will be saved if they can bang on doors, ring on bells, and generally harrass people forever.

they make me feel so guilty when they come to the door and i can't buy their product or give them a bunch of money or convert.
This always assumes that they've actually got souls to start with, and aren't automatons...

[fx: knock at door]
Man: Hello?
Robotic Voice: Hello. I. Am. From. The. Church. Of. Latter. Day. Door. Knockers.
Man: No thanks, I've..
Robot: Resistence. Is. Futile.
Man: Goodbye [tries to shut door]
Robot: Soulless. Fool. [laser ray shoots Man]
Man: Gosh! It feels as though I've been spiritually reborn! I must go round and knock. On peoples doors. And. Speak. In. A Strange. Manner.

we've lived here 2 weeks and already had like 3 live people knock on the door and over a dozen envelopes through the letterbox.
Ow! Nasty. My folks are in a rich-ish area, and get about two envelopes through the door a month, one regular door-to-door salesman, the Avalon lady, and a very occasional LDDK. In my flat, there's a key controlled door, so no envelopes, and only the LDDK have bothered. Saw them off with the "...or we'll call the police" line.

today i was informed that 164 pounds
How much? DM500, A$410, $395, U$270. This is a lot of dough.

would allow the society for the blind to buy a neon magic wand that provides *visual* stimulation for blind people.
It's always the big projects that need funding. They could go round and say "2 pounds would buy the frame for a pair of glasses. 50p would maintain it for five years." But no. They want to fund the whole spectacle (pun intended).

And it's always "only" such-and-such. "Only 5000 pounds would allow this man to live for a month. Send cheques to A.R.P. Blair, Downing Street."

No, anyone asking you to change your religion on the doorstep shouldn't expect the commitment to be serious. Similarly, why should they expect any transaction to be non-frivolous.

Door-to-door salespeople: Into Room 101.
[doors open]

#Agado-do-do, push pineapple, shake the tree#

But I can't let the topic of door-knockers drop without embarrassing Simon Groom a little more. It's 1980, and Groom is the new presenter of venerable BBC programme "Blue Peter". A co-presenter is discussing the renovations to the Sanctuary Door at Durham Cathedral, and how the original knocker is under attack from modern pollution. It's to be replaced by an exact replica; so exact that no-one can tell the difference. The design is somewhat attractive, causing Groom to make the comment that will haunt him for twenty years:

"What a lovely pair of knockers."

Media studies 301. Brendan
I used to get Smash Hits, and Big!, and TV Hits.
Confession: Weaver read Smash Hits for five or six years in the mid 80s. In those days, you were as likely to read a piece on Wham!, Duran Duran or A-ha (the teen idol bands of the era) as you were on Iron Maiden, Morrisey or some left-field band. Many of the best pieces were written by Neil Tennant. 'Nuff said.

I think I've moved on a little, to Sky and FHM.
Not really moving on from where I'm coming from. Ver Hits covered pop music in a wry-but-affectionate manner; GQ and the Face covered style and fashion; Q was Smash Hits for the Dire Straits crowd; and the NME filled the other spaces in popular culture.

Now there's a shelf full of identikit teen pop mags; another shelf of identikit mens' style mags; two or three older people's music journals; and an anaemic NME. The only attempt at bridging the gaps is Melody Maker, and that sells next to nothing.

What's worse is that there are no names writing for the magazines any more. Tennant is a great pop star, but he is also a highly literate and amusing writer. There are no Andrew Collins (NME, Q) Sylvia Patterson (SH) any more. It's all bland, bland, bland. It all reads like a press release.

That's not to say there aren't any talented young writers out there, but they are now working for the broadsheet press, TV and radio. Ask a search engine about Zoe Heller, Emma Forrest, Decca Aitkenhead, Giles (or Victoria) Coren. Decca may have screwed up "What The Papers Say" a couple of weeks back, but she's part of the establishment. Danny Baker (another NME alumnus) never got that gig...

To be fair, Q is slowly edging to a more youthful demographic. Select it will never be, but the progress does seem to be there. Also, many of the writers from 80s Smash Hits and NME circa 90 are now in the Observer's Review section. Shame the rest of the paper is crap.

>someone will come round and shove a bat up your nightdress
Can I volunteer for that? Cos I really hate spoilers :o)
Be my guest. What sort of bat will you be using? I recommend cricket bats, but long-eared ones are good in an emergency.

one Christmas Zig and Zag were going to have Dustin the turkey for dinner, but he was so popular, they let him live
[cynic] What a way to grab ratings! [/cynic]

and he's been co-presenting Irish kids TV for 4 years now, plus he's had number ones with 2 albums, and a few hit singles too!
So, if they're so popular, how come I've never heard them? He's no more a manufactured pop star than (say) S Club 7.

They play S Club 7, but don't play Man I feel like a woman!
Ah-ha! Atlantic 252 is trying to be Radio One Of Six Months Ago. That station refused to play "That Don't Impress.." outside of their chart show. In spite of it becoming the third biggest seller, and most played track, of the year so far. Now One has relented, 252 adopts the "We don't play this popular pop music" attitude. Do I smell the whiff of cordite and burned leather?

In order: curry capital; top clubs; obvious; ms amos' tour dates; bad traffic planning; the traditional industrial town; two obvious ones; the goodyear factory; and there is country right by.

The Big Cheese from my erstwhile employers dropped by on Wednesday. Spoke to one of his former directors, but didn't deign to stop and say hi to me. That former director has had an interesting time: in charge of the staffing function, then technicals (including me), then finance, then an education sales division, and now talent clearing. Six months in each of those roles suggests - well, I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions.

While the Big Cheese didn't want to sully his mind with plebs, the Chief Sales Chap did. He'd been on a boat, entertaining prospective clients, for the past few days. And he'd had rather a lot to drink. Everywhere he went, every meeting, it was "Oh, you'll have a glass of port / rum / wine / ginantonic". How do they expect to function when so inebriated, one wonders. Actually, two wonder, coz he didn't know why there's so much alcohol sloshing about.

Bit of a contretemps on the train home Wednesday. Because there aren't quite enough trains from London to Leam, cheap tickets aren't valid on one (and only one) train. Unfortunately for our unsuspecting entertainer, this is that train, and his ticket isn't expensive enough. Cue a battle of words; his ticket's withdrawn and replaced with a valid one - after paying half as much again. The chap's not happy, and we can understand why. Was he misadvised by the staff at his station? From what he's saying, quite possibly. Should he have read the notices and listened to the announcements in London? Of course he should. Did the ticket inspector warn people of this less than one minute before the train departed? Um, yes. Does he have a leg to stand on? Well, possibly. But probably not.

Something of a Nirvana-thon yesterday, as first Radio 1 play "Teen Spirit" (and the Weird Al parody) then XFM add in "Come As You Are". I take the hint, and drop the remainder of "Nevermind" into the CD player and see what comes out. Gor, it's still class.

If you're not Vic or Brendan, and you're easily scared, move on. Coz walking through Regent's Park one morning, I came across a group of pigeons. Just sitting there, they were. And blocking my path. So, calmly, politely, I moved towards them. They flew up, and landed again about 20 yards down the path. "To the side!" I thought, as they flew up again. And landed in my route again. And again. Eventually, they got the message that I really wanted to go this way, and took off in another direction. Directly at me. Now, one pigeon flying into your face can be a tad alarming; when it's a flock of fifty, all making a beeline for you, the only option is to stand still and pretend to be a tree.

Like I said, don't ask me about the pigeons.

In Australia we will be having a referendum on whether or not to become a republic. If we vote yes we will be on our own and have a president, and if we vote no we'll be sticking with the queen.
Neat summary. There's also a vote on a preamble to the constitution that works regardless of the head of state. Both referenda take place on November 6; further details on www.referendum99.gov.au.
Do note that the proposed President would be a figurehead, along the lines of the Irish President, or existing Governor General, and not the most powerful person in the country, along the lines of Mandela or Clinton.

I will be voting yes to become a republic and I'm pretty sure the majority will vote that way as well.
Can't argue with that; Australia is a mature country, however much the politicians pretend otherwise, and if it wants to make its path in that manner, I'd expect all concerned to respect that. I just wish that the rantings of some of the Republicans had been less anti-English a few years back, because it's left a distinct antipathy over here.

As for the level of support, I reckon the top 30 links on Google is a good representation of opinion. So, searching for Australia referendum republic, I get 17 information and explanatory links, 8 links opposing a republic, 4 in favour, and one that's too complex to make quick sense. Given that Google boosts pages that a lot of other pages link to, that suggests the opinion on the net is against the proposal.

Peter Snow writes: This is not a valid opinion poll, and may be skewed by the snippets of text Google returns not being representative of the rest of the site. The vote needs to attain a simple majority across the country, and in at least four of the six states. We'll have yet more whizz-bang graphics, as BBC NEWS 24 provides live coverage of the results as they come in on the Saturday afternoon, complete with flashy computer graphics that don't feature kangaroos at all. Just because Australia will be watching their boys in the rugby world cup final doesn't mean that we can't provide decent coverage over here. Whose bright idea was it to have a vote and the big sports event on the same day, anyway?

Craig writes how
Vic Racine: Is brutally murdered while begging for change in Aberyswyth, Wales.
This would not happen. 1) They don't allow begging in Aber. 2) There are no murders in Aber. The worst crime is either students taking traffic cones, or the rail timetable.

A French detective named Poirot is called in to work the case.
Scuse me, Miss, I'd like to make a complaint. This detective you sold me. The Belgian Blue. Well, it don't work. It's dead. It has ceased to track down criminals to their final resting 'ome. Its nose for the crime has been smelted down. It is an ex-detective. Pining for the Sweeney? It has ceased to exist! It has joined the Fuzz Immortal! Part of the heavenly CID! It is a dead detective!!

[an army chap appears from nowhere]
I'm sorry, this sketch is clearly predicated on a not-very-funny pun. Move along, move along, there's nothing to laugh at here.

Sara
they have other sports here, but none that I'd realy want to cheer for...I suppose we could do it for soccer as well.
Nooooooo!!! This was before your time, but when SKY first showed Monday Night Football (the QPR - Oldham variety), they took a bunch of cheerleaders round with them. The SKY Strikers were meant to add something special to the experience, but were completely out of place. They were quietly sold back to the London Monarchs after six weeks. Soccer and cheerleading do not mix. There aren't the long pauses in play as there are in the NFL game.

Angela suggests some way cool costumes
14) The Telly Tubbies devouring Margaret Thatcher.
15) A cow bearing a sign "I'm As Mad As Hell And I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore!"
One day in Teletubbieland, Laa-Laa was feeling very hungry. "Laa-Laa very hungry," said Laa-Laa. [snip]
Then Laa-Laa saw a huge, mad, cow. "Ook! Big mad cow!" said Laa-Laa. "We are a grandmother," said the mad cow. "Yummy!" said Laa-Laa, bouncing her ball. "We fight on, we fight to win," said the mad cow. Then beyoing! Laa-Laa's ball hit the mad cow on the head. "Ook! Mad cow dead! Mad cow no more! Mad cow pining for de blue uplands!" said Laa-Laa. "Oh no!" said the sarcastic flowers, "What will our esteemed leader do now?" "Stuffed if I know," said Tony in the Sun.
[ctd p 94]

Lady Victoria, psycho of the sea
I'm already dreading the inevitable holiday music that will soon take over the radio,
Sometimes, dull British radio has its advantages. No Christmas tunes till mid-December. And then only the odd one in the non-stop diet of Lighthouse Family, M People, Phil Collins and Britney Spears.

the 'seasonal' lights that annually go up for the 8 months of the year
They've not taken Wolverhampton's down since 1991. Something about it being a waste of money. In that case, why put them up in the first place?

the pleasure of having total strangers bitch to me about presents and other crap.
If they're offering to buy me something, that's OK. If not, they can bally well beetle orf.

how about we snap a turkey neck just for the fun of it?
I'd sooner snap a polo-necked jumper, but what the heck?

And I'll be your second gun for the ravers! Massacre, yeah!
Hold fire, Sniper Vic, don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes. Or the points on their holly.

Vic
I know a little about everything, but not a lot about anything. :)
I'm reminded of Kevin Goulad, the agony aunt of BBC Wales / Radio 5's "Rave" programme in the early 80s. According to his weekly spiel, he knew a lot. Some would say the lot. But let's just say that he knows a lot, about the lot. Penny in Pontypridd writes:

"Dear Kevin, Whenever my man and I go to the cinema, we always arrive late, and have to move past other people to get to our seats. It's distracting that they have to move, but I always say 'Excuse me, thank you' as I pass them. Do you think this is correct, or should I keep silent?"

Dear Penny, The problem is not yours, but the cinema. You see, the easiest way round this problem would be to make all seats aisle seats. You wouldn't have to ask other people to stand up, and your dilemna is solved at a stroke.

Remember, if you've got a problem you can't solve, write to a man that can.

[© BBC Wales 25 Oct 1991]

A problem that Kevin might have solved happened right before my eyes (and right before my lunch) the other day. I'm in the supermarket, waiting in the queue to pay (hey, we can't condone stealing from stores, can we:) Lady two in front of me buys just under two pounds of goods, offers a tenner to the clerk. Fine, eight pounds in change. "Excuse me," she squarks. "I can't walk around with eight pound coins. Don't you have any five pound notes?" Clearly, the clerk doesn't. He hollers for the assistant at the next till. No fivers. The little blue notes seem to have vanished down the crack in the space-time continuum. It's a shame they don't emerge in my purse sometimes.

But to return to irritating womin, she's still looking for someone to give her fewer than eight coins. Do they not have any twonies in this till? Actually, are there any twonies in the country? The Bonk of England claims to have let millions into circulation around 18 months back, but I've only seen two or three. They're wonderfully useful, but shop assistants still prefer to hand over two one pound coins. They're not such dumb-asses when dealing with 2p or 20p pieces.

No, the assistant doesn't think of the Twonie. The lady wants a five pound note. And the manager has already started to take the crook lock off the closed till just down the lane. These things are pretty heavy duty locks, seemingly related to the wheel clamp, only more difficult to get off. And not put on by a gay Scottish guy with an Italian driver.

Finally, fully four minutes after the whole shenanigans has started, little miss irritating gets her fiver, and I pay my way. One pound 52. Here's the exact money. No change required. Though if they want to give me a fiver, I won't object (:

the reference to the scot harks back to "clampers", a tv series that followed just such a man round as he caused dealt with london's traffic problem.

Generations of listies. I've been round this block more times than I care to remember. It seems most appropriate to divide the list into a half-dozen or so epochs:

Sept 95 - Dec 95. MSCL was in first-runs in the UK, and there were new subs every week. Phil Glanville beat me here, along with Andi Wolf Dolphin, Elvina, Virany, byron, Ali, Kim-not-Don, Steve Reed, Eric Geyer, Wyndi, Francis Park, Elizabeth, the Randino, and many others.

Jan - Mar 96. Something changed over Christmas. Sara posted a digest and a half of messages in one go. Ross was around, as was Nicola - posting from a coventry.ac.uk address. The suspects above were joined by Tracee, C-Monster, Substance D and more.

Apr 96 - Jan 97, I was AWOL, without internet access. Sounds like I missed a whale of a time.

Jan 97 - Jul 97. Back on the list. Mark, shimelle, Paulo, Kent, Laura K, Bill, JSRS, Derrick, Bronwyn, Cory, Lisa xxx, Mae, Evan! and many more were active on my return. The list had a close-knit, community feel.

Jul 97 - Sep 97. MSCL came back in re-runs here, and it was really the last time we did the show to death. There were people who came on and posted about what they felt, and what they saw. Tim the Enchanter, Kris, Deca, and a seemingly never-ending cast of Brits came, saw, and left again. Apart from Marguerite and Gopher. Eli's row with Heenal. Elaine Galvin posted once in a blue moon, and Skeie!!!!!!! bandied about exclamation points like they were going out of fashion. And who could forget Ben and Lixz - the original star-crossed listies, Deca's films, or Shobi's fanfic.

Oct 97 - May 98. The Awkward Squad was about, which made normal conversation difficult for a time or two. There was a genuine problem behind the whole slanging match, but it soon grew into a multi-headed hydra with a life of its own. Calming lights who stuck through this troubled time included the two Shanas, Shannon, Jo, Nicole, Nichole, Demeter...

Jun 98 - Apr 99. Settling down after the Awkward Squad departed was never going to be easy, and there was a high level of suspicion about almost every newcomer. Eventually, though, we all learned to relax a lot and trust a little. Newcomers such as Angela, chelle, marj / FlixGrrl / Daria / Emily, Janet, Sasha, Wombat, keoni, Ariel, Sally, Jill, Jonathan, Nieske, Betsy, and Andrea helped no end.

Apr - May 99. Is there anybody out there? Out of left field came another list split, when one of the list's members set up their own list, and invited selected other people to join. A tactic that resulted in my posts shrinking from 5K to 500 bytes per day. Brendan and Vic joined around that time.

May 99 - now. The Capuccino Era. When people post a lot, but rarely say anything of substance. Not that that's a moan, I'm just as guilty as the next person. It's the way it is. Judy, Tanvir, and many more form the backbone of this era.

Before anyone gets too offended, I've only pointed out the period they first made an impression on my inbox, not necessarily the whole time they've been around.

Victoria gives directions
WV is right below PA, left of Virginia,
West Virginia is west of Virginia. That kinda follows, somehow. (:

and inconsequential to the rest of the planet.
Nonshenshe. It's where Victoria comes from, and hence is one of the more important places out there.

I remember very well the interesting conversation on all the sex in England. Essex, Wessex, Middlesex.
Straight answer: It's a corruption of "Saxon", being the place where that Germanic people landed and settled around 1400 years ago. They went east, to East-Saxon (Essex); west, to West-Saxon (Wessex, now Hampshire and Dorset); and the middle bit, Middle-Saxon (Middlesex, now Beds, Herts, Bucks, and London).

Gag answer: It was Ess, Wess and Middle before Brendan came to visit.

Angela
So now that even *models* cannot compete with models, what the hell kind of hope do the rest of us have? This *really* bothers me- I want to see little girls actually *being* little girls, not posed seductively in ballgowns.
Questions.. Who are these advertisers? Write and tell them you won't be purchasing their goods until they stop being such prats.

Where do they sell? Inform the stores you'll take your business to other suppliers if the advertisers keep this up.

Are there regulations surrounding advertising in the US? It sounds like using a 13 year old as mother is an admission of / incitement to statutory rape. It's offensive, and that would be enough to get it pulled here. Remember: one voice does make a difference.

Speaking of bad ads, in the middle of cd:uk, one for an expensive hi-tec kids toy advertised on the back of children's literacy rates. What's the ITC's number?

k
i see that your addy is my addy!
Ooh, I feel another Whitney moment coming on...

#Coz my address is your address
#And your address is my address
#It would take a miracle to break us
#But the faults of Juno couldn't stop us#

Media scan: the last episode of "The Tribe" aired on 5 yesterday. It's been blessed with good scheduling (after Daria can't fail to hit) and an interesting basic story. Adults are dead. Lots of children are dead. The only thing remaining is maybe 5000 children in a city the size of Melbourne or Sydney. And their massive collection of war paint, hair braids and other makeup.

This isn't an original line - I remember reading John Christopher's novel "Empty World" at the age of 12, which ran along very similar lines. What is new is the concept of turning this into a modern-day soap opera, complete with more plot twists and turns than it's polite to mention. Most of them turn out to be completely inconsequential, but one of the ways MSCL has permeated other dramas is the way that seemingly minor details can resurface five, ten, twenty episodes later as major points. Equally, The Tribe featured more than one case of clear continuity errors, the operation of a power switch in the final episode just the most obvious. The Tribe also took common modern issues and presented them in a way that doesn't moralise, doesn't judge, just accepts - another thing MSCL did.

In summary: this is a show worth catching. It's not possible to dip in and out - one does need to watch all the episodes else the story will run faster than quicksand. The next MSCL it is not - more a development along the lines of Dr Who. But a good view nonetheless.

"The Tribe" has been sold to Finland, Sweden and Austria already, with further sales looming. Series 2 begins in the UK on November 14. More: tribeworld.com And I've done the complete review without mentioning how Bray is almost as much a sex god as Brendan.

"The Blair Witch Project" opened in the UK last Friday. Now, I'm not going to see it in the cinema. Not because it's not playing locally, nor because I'm scared of the content. As all Air Canada flight attendants know, I get motion sickness quite easily. And seeing as how the usually lead-lined stomach of Slate's David Edelstein had to leave the theatre for this reason, I'd best give it a miss.

It seems I'm missing a treat. Three people, armed only with movie cameras and voting records, go into a Blue party stronghold despite the dire warnings of trouble if they do. During their stay there, the three are tortured by strange sounds of cars doing u-turns, soapboxes mysteriously appearing and disappearing, and their camp being singed by a flaming torch.

The Blair Witch Project: New Labour, New Broomstick.

Angela
Give me the story about the woman who discovered she'd been carrying around a pork chop bone in one of her butt cheeks for 15 years to a discussion on the national debt any damn day!

How can I make the national debt interesting? Well, for many years, the US, UK, Canadian and other major economies have been spending more than they've taken in in taxes. However, one aspect of the long upswing in business cycles we've seen over the past seven years or so is that the debt is not growing any more. In fact, most major economies are running at a surplus. There are three things one can do with this spare moolah.

1) Pay off some of the accumulated debt. That means that interest payments over the coming years won't be so large, thus helping to keep the debt down permanently. They're doing this by letting government bonds expire and not replace them with as many. For instance, the UK Government paid out 200 million when the Sept 99 bond expired, and replaced it with 120 million of new bonds that month. They save on the interest.

2) Reduce the government income. If they're not going to bother spending the money, why take it in the first place? An option explored in every major economy except Britain, where the tax take has risen since 1997.

3) Increase government spending. If they've got the dough, they may as well use it. Spend on education, health, social security, roads, international aid. An option used in every major economy.

Of course, these options aren't mutually exclusive. The powers are using a combination of all three to produce net balanced budgets.

When we last spoke, I said that I was off to the Avalon Mall to try and capture the Dairy Queen outlet there. Well, the good news is that I got the franchise; the bad news is that Air Atlantic refused to let me check the building in as cabin luggage, and insisted that I ship it across the pond. So, while I wait for the cargo ship to turn up, let me bring up the line to so-called hq. Get away from me, seagull...

Over at the Hellmouth, I hear strains of Radio Room 101 playing. Vanilla Ice and Achey Breaky Heart were on high rotation, but I think they stopped. Are they heading into Wannabe territory? They might well be. Yes, that would be S Club Party airing. And the Vengaboys seem to be in residence there. Would that be because they already live in Room 101? Or because they only have one song, under different names.
Now, where is that ship? Maybe it's like London buses, wait ages for one. Then three turn up at once. Gull, shoo! Or I'll set the pigeons on you...

There's a ship with a red funnel on the horizon. What's that flag it's flying? D-4-E-7. Looks like it's playing Naval Chess.
[ducks as airplane whizzes overhead]
Grief, that was low. Just been buzzed by a very low flying jet fighter. And now it's dropping a bomb into the middle of the ocean. And - oh my! - another bomb seems to have hit a boat. Oh! They're glitter bombs, not damaging at all. They're not playing Naval Chess, they're playing Real Battleships!

And that seagull is flying a bit too close for my comfort. Let me move a touch. That's better...

I think the ship's actually on the horizon now, and - yes - the planes are returning to base. I think they won their Battleships game. And I don't want to have to pack this store up again. You would not believe the amount of string I've had to use, and there's not enough brown paper to wrap it again.
That seagull has just dropped its load. Does anyone have any shampoo to hand? I kinda need it. Quick.

Vic
I've had impure thoughts about a married man. He's cute, he's nice to me, and he even laughs at my jokes. And his wife is beautiful and sweet, dammit.
The Right Reverend Reverand Iain writes: Well, you have two choices in this matter. Either confront him with your feelings, and be prepared to listen to his - which may not accord with what you want to happen. Or ignore them, let them die down, forget about them. It's your call, and we'll back you all the way.

Father Laa-Laa Bonte adds: Two more options: Become a nun, or meet the Right Reverend Reverand Iain and Alter Boys Jason and Brendan in the vestry after confession. Bring your own shackles.

Angela
1) The shocking state of underwear in America: are we all to have to wear underwear that runs up our butt cracks?
No. Underwear is cheap enough to manufacture that almost any style can be produced economically, and hence should be available. The only cloud on the horizon might be stores and manufacturers corrupting the market.

2) Jordan's Hair: long or short, you be the judge!
Long.

3) How many people do you think Rayanne actually slept with?
At least one, but probably not many more. Much of what she does looks like an act.

4) Ditto Jordan.
At least one, and probably quite a few more. Though Jordan's smart, he doesn't seem quite savvy enough to pull a total facade in the way Rayanne does.

5) How old will Brian be when he loses his virginity?
Second year in college?

6) Will Amber ever cook real meals?
Does the Pope do a good Count impression? It all depends how one defines a real meal - as opposed to a rational meal, perhaps.

7) Do you think Amber secretly lusts after Graham? Do you think she calls him "My little graham cracker" in her fantasies?
No. Graham may be something of a sex god, but he's so clearly not Amber's type.

Milton Jones' new idea. He's a counter-revolutionary, see, and came up with a revolutionary counter.

And a new telephone answering system...
To speak to a live operator, press star key and one.
To be kept in an endless loop and cut off in five minutes, press hash key and two.
To have a relaxing hobby, press flowers.
To leave a message, press star key and zero.
To beat everyone to the front of the queue, push in.
To make your own drugs, press hash.
To discuss late 70s cop shows, press star key and hash.
If you know the extension of the person you're calling, why didn't you dial it directly?

[More such abject silliness on "The Very World of Milton Jones", Radio 4, 92-95 FM, 198 LW Tuesdays at 1830]