Can't tell the difference between National Doris Day (April 24) and National Zippedy-Doo-Dah-Zippedy Day? Read on...

	Stay in your place, gran! Wait your turn!	People sometimes complain to me that when National Leave Your Car At Home Day or National Give Up Smoking Day comes along, they haven't had adequate warning, so they never really get a chance to give up their car or their cigarettes. Right. This is your last chance. I have compiled a list of the most significant designated Days, with a few notes on each, between now and the end of the year, which should be enough notice. 10 July "National No Queue-Jumping Day". This one is aimed at the most ruthless queue-bargers in our society, ie little old ladies. Stay in your place, gran! Wait your turn! Just for 24 hours. 13 July "National Root Vegetable Day". The organisers, the Root Vegetable Council, are trying to raise awareness of things like swedes and turnips. Trouble is, most people can't even tell the difference between swedes and turnips. So people from the Root Vegetable Council are going out into the streets to challenge people to tell the difference and if they can, they will get a free swede. Or turnip. 19 July "National I'm-Not-That-Craig-Brown-I'm-Another-Craig-Brown-Day!". This is on behalf of all the people called Craig Brown in Britain who get confused with the one man who has the maddening energy to manage the Scotland football team and review all those restaurants and write all that funny stuff. 22 July "National Overtipping Day". 27 July "National 'You May Well be Right' Day". The organisers feel it is time to cut down on confrontation in our society. Just for this one day, they say, why not avoid an argument and say, "You may well be right"? 4 Aug "National Read Someone Else's Newspaper Day". 7 Aug "National Peanut Day". The peanut has a hard time. It seems to attract allergies. It chokes people. The cuisine of Indonesia is seemingly based on peanut butter. Yes, come to think of it, why should anyone want to eat peanuts, anyway? "You may well be right," says smiling Likti Shuktar, head of the Global Peanut Council. 17 Aug "National Adopt a Granny Day". There is always a constant drive to get children fostered, but not old people, who need it just as much. The Save The Aged Fund wants you to take in an old person just for the day, to see if the idea appeals, and you might do it full time. 30 Aug "National Parsnip Day". A sneaky effort by the Root Vegetable Council to get two days in 1998. Ignore. 5 Sep "National Bring Back The Monarchy Day". A puzzling one, this, as the monarchy has not yet been abolished. Perhaps Buckingham Palace are up to their tricks again. 8 Sep "National-Use-A-Long-Word Day". Another government attempt to promote literacy. Among the long words they recommend are "multi-culturalism", "domophilia" and "sanctimoniousness". 23 Sep "National Ring-The-Samaritans Day". Did you know that over 98 per cent of the calls received by the Samaritans are from people who can't manage? That's pretty damned depressing, especially if you're working for the Samaritans. So today ring them up - with a cheerful message! Cheer up a Samaritan! 1 Oct "National Leek Awareness Week". This sounds vaguely familiar. 24 Oct "National 'Don't I know You From Somewhere?' Week" begins. In an attempt to break down our usual social barriers, the organisers are urging us to accost total strangers. The police have promised not to prosecute. 3 Nov "National Retrain-A-Lord Day". As the abolition of the Upper House approaches, many an unemployable peer will be cast on the streets. Can you do your bit? 17 Nov "National Be Nice To A Scotsman Day". This will have a different name north of the border, where it will be known as "National 'Get-Lost-You-Patronising-English-Git!' Day". 18 Nov "National Why-Don't-You-Forget-Christmas-Cards-This-Year? Day" 1 Dec "National Wipe-The-Top-Of-Your-Ketchup-Bottle-Before-You-Screw-The-Top- Back-On Day". 4 Dec "National Give-Catholicism-A-Try Day". 25 Dec "National Birth of Jesus Day".