Weaver's News Spin
January 1998
A review of events and their interpretation.
Saturday, 31 January
The attack line against Iraq continues to spill out; the UN Secretary General Kofi Annan wants a diplomatic solution; but the US warns again that military force is still an option. Prime Minister Bair branded Saddam Hussies an "evil dictator", and pointed out that people really disagree with him on a lot of points, a statement that Jacques Santer fully agrees with.
An easy win for Martina Hingis in the Australian Open, beating Conchita Martinez 6-3 6-3. At 18, Hingis becomes the youngest female ever to defend a Grand Slam title, just 53 weeks after becoming the youngest ever female winner of such an event.
Upsets abound in the football: Leicester City ended Man Utd's unbeaten home record - a goal by Tony Cottee was enough to get a 1-0 win. Closest challengers Liverpool and Blackburn held each other to a 0-0 draw, allowing Chelsea to go second after beating bottom side Barnsley. Arsenal consolidated their fourth place, beating Southampton 3-0.
In the first division, leaders Notts Forest were upset 3-1 at home by Oxford Utd, while Sunderland's 4-2 victory over Port Vale lifted them into an ominous 4th place. The Black Country derby ended Wolves 0, West Brom 1. Darn.
North of the border, Rangers slipped up 2-0 at St Johnstone - it was the Perth side's first victory over the champions in 30 years. With Hearts beating Dundee Utd to go level with Rangers, and Celtic being able to draw level if they beat Aberdeen in the Monday night game, this is shaping up to be the most open Scottish title race in many years. |
Friday, 30 January
US Secretary of State Madeline Albright warned Iraq that its patience was almost at an end in the perrenial dispute over weapons inspections. Russian counterpart Yevgeny Primakov said "We're a little more patient." Our President doesn't go around shagging any 22 year old he can find. In fact, he doesn't shag anything other than that bl***y vodka bottle any more. Boris Yeltsin is drunk.
A bill to reduce traffic levels is a step nearer becoming law. The proposal, brainchild of Welsh MP Cynog Dafis, would make the setting of national traffic reduction targets part of the job of Environment Secretary. Maybe they can start with the massive daily jams on the M6, M42, M5, M54, M1, M25, M4 (ctd M94)
Oasis may split says Noel Gallagher in a new interview. Bored with being in the most boring band on the planet, the Mancunian wants to visit jungles and other uncharted places. Manchester City have never been relegated to the third division. |
Thursday, 29 January
Prime Minister Bair announced a new probe into the Bloody Sunday events of 1972. Claiming to aim at truth, not recrimination, the inquiry will focus on claims that the newspapers of the time were thin, tedious and generally not a patch on the ones of today. Faced with cost-cutting measures, Independent editor Andrew Marr announced his resignation, to be replaced by Rosie Boycott, the woman who has ruined the Independent on Sunday
The First Test in Jamaica was abandoned after 61 balls due to an unsafe pitch. The strip, grass grown out of a corrugated iron panel, threw balls in all directions. The pitch is now in training to be used in the Second Test in Trinidad.
Seagulls in Kidderminster will go hungry after St John's Primary School banned crisps in the playground. Gulls have been leaving their deposits on the children's heads, and some of them have had to wash before resuming classes. The headteacher said, somewhat pointlessly, that the gulls will have to find somewhere else to eat.
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Wednesday, 28 January
Embattled Foreign Secretary Robin Crook received the mixed blessing of approval from PM Bair today. Opposition leader William Babyface Hague suggested that Crook had been secretive in firing one civil servant and attempting to replace her with his mistress. Bair denied this suggestion, and pointed out that the Conservative appointee had been replaced by a career civil servant. Observers wondered why the PM cast this particular insult on his erstwhile colleague; admitting Hague's charge would be less damaging, surely.
The England football team will not appear on any record for this summer's World Cup. FA representative Adrian Bevington said negotiations were under way with "very popular groups". The previous England release, "Three Lions" by the unlikely combination of Frank Skinner, David Badjoke and the Lightning Seeds, was the best seller of June 1996. Rumours that line dancing act Steps had been approached were correctly denied as "idle speculation".
Comedy:The Clintern scandal (© SLATE 1998) continued: Billary and wannabe-president Al Gore spoke at a Champagne do in Iowa, while Hillary appeared on ABSuck's breakfast show in an interview scheduled many weeks ago. Informed opinion was that steam was now blowing in the President's direction, and that they might yet tough out the crisis. |
Tuesday, 27 January
The Clintern scandal (© SLATE 1998) took a wholly unexpected turn as President Hillary appeared on NBC. She refused to deny that the First Husband might have given Monica some gifts, but claimed that the whole matter had been cooked up as part of a right-wing conspiracy. Democrats took the view that Hillary was just airing the truth to a public who had been kept in the dark; Republicans took the view that Drudge did that two weeks ago by publishing the reports.
British horse racing plunged into a wholly unexpected crisis as three leading jump jockeys were arrested for allegedly doping horses. The riders, who won't be named unless charged, were instantly condemned by all to do with the Sport of Kings. It's a tribute to either the honesty of the profession, or the incompetence of the governing Jockey Club, that this sort of allegation doesn't arise more often.
Perverse Decisions: A spectator at a children's football match has been fined six pounds after going onto the pitch to treat a goalkeeper who had swallowed his tongue. The spectator, the father of the injured child, was fined after shouting at the referee for not helping the child sooner. Quite ludicrously, the FA threatened the son's team with suspension if the fine was not paid. |
Monday, 26 January
The Ulster peace talks went into emergency session, following the weekend's revelation that Protestant guerilla group "Ulster Freedom Fighters" broke their ceasefire during a recent flare-up of violence. Their political wing, the laughably named "Ulster Democratic Party" were thrown out of the talks process until the UFF kept their ceasefire. Six weeks was the decontamination period for Catholic guerillas the "Irish Republican Army" last year; I'd expect the same time to elapse before the UDP returns to the talks.
Bill Clinton's sex life remains the subject of much speculation. Did he hump anyone in the Oval Office? Did he even hump Monica at all? Does he consider oral sex to be adultery? These are all questions that he appears to be answering in the negative. A sample of women were asked if they would sleep with the President; 92% said "not again".
Following the small number of upsets in the English and Scottish cups, Superbowl 32 gave a major one, as Detroit's Broncos beat the Packers of Green Bay 31-24. Dedicating their victory to QB Elway, bookmakers and cheeseheads Sporting Index were last seen crying all the way to the bank.
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Sunday, 25 January
Lottery organisers across Europe are considering the idea of a continental lottery, with prizes as high as 70 million pounds. We know that the UK national lottery is a tax on stupidity, and that the European Union is a pointless drain on taxpayer's resources. I'm just surprised that no-one's thought of this idea before. Why not take the long-suffering citizens of Europe for a further ride?
Wedding bells will ring for Posh Spice Victoria A(a)dams and Manchester United midfielder David Beckham. The two, dating since last March, announced their long-expected engagement, with plans to marry during 1999. Spice will be on tour with her group, while Beckham will be with England at the World Cup, and won't want a recurrance of the groin injury that's dogged him for the best part of a year.
After bleating about having to play their 4th round cup tie at Stevenage's piddly little ground, Newcastle were held to a 1-1 draw by the non-league minnows. Alan Shearer (cost: 15 million pounds) opened the scoring on 3 minutes, but Guliano Grazioli (cost: three packets of peanuts and a chocolate bar) nodded in the equalizer just before half time. The phrase Tee Hee Hee, Serves You Bally Right springs to mind...
The draw for round 5 threw up some interesting combinations: Aston Villa face another local team, Coventry City, while West Ham will host Sheffield Wednesday or Blackburn. Arsenal and Crystal Palace will clash in a match of London teams, Man Utd may meet with Tottenham Hotspur, and Wolves will travel to Wimbledon if they can beat Charlton. |
Saturday, 24 January
The cult of personality surrounding Diana Spencer plumbed new depths with news of a lottery-style scratchcard to raise money for a charity fund. Littlewoods, the firm sponsoring the cash cow, claimed that the promotion represented "an ideal way for people to feel part of" the money-making exercise. Sanity came from supermarket chain Asda, who refuse to stock the card on the grounds of its extreme tackiness.
No major surprises in the 4th round of the FA Cup. Favourites Man Utd progressed at the expense of third-division side Walsall, but the 5-1 scoreline flattered the Mancunians. Paul Merson got the obligatory goal against his old side, but Arsenal's first half dominance showed as they put Middlesborough out 2-1. After downing Liverpool in the last round, Coventry scored another minor upset, putting Derby County down 2-0. The West Midlands derby finished 4-0 in favour of top-flight Aston Villa, Birmingham ousted Stockport County 2-1, while Wolves drew 1-1 at Charlton.
Last 32 stage in Scotland as well. Holders Kilmarnock progressed at the expense of lowly Stranraer, and Dundee Utd defeated near neighbours Aberdeen 1-0. Rangers needed an injury time winner to oust Hamilton Academicals, 2-1 the score there. Dunfermline knocked out non-league side Edinburgh City 7-2, and Annan Athletic lead Inverness side Caledonian Thistle 1-0 after six minutes. By full time, Calley had revived to win 8-1.
Stat of the day: "University research shows that one woman in nine is beaten by her partner" reports broadsheet The Independent. It's not made clear whether this is over a weekly basis, monthly, annualy, or over the totality of a life. |
Friday, 23 January
A confusing day for professional Bill Clinton watchers. On Wednesday, news broke that Bill might have persuaded Monica Lewinski to fib under oath and say that the two of them hadn't tested the White House sheets for softness. By Thursday night, commentators were wondering about possible impeachment for the President: it may not be illegal to have an affair, but it is an offence to incite perjury or bribe a witness with a job offer. Today, we hear that the damning evidence may have been collected by an unlawful or unethical wiretap recording device. Is this a smokescreen put up to protect a president on the verge of the abyss? Is it enough to prove the Whitewater prosecutor is acting in an unreasonable way? Or is it intended to confuse and scare the notoriously fickle American public? Who knows...
The spectre of sleaze haunted parliamentarians on this side of the Atlantic as well. Martin Bell, independent MP for Tatton, Cheshire had nearly 9,500 pounds of legal fees for his candidacy at last May's election paid by the opposition Labour and Liberal Democrat parties. Bell points out that the legal advice he was given does not usually count as an election expense, as it is swallowed by a party machine. While NeilandChristine Hamilton, the defeated candidate, fumed and hollered, Mr Bell is not set to face a challenge by local Conservative activists. They know that they need to stay nice to Mr Nice to have any hope of regaining the seat after he stands down at the next election.
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Thursday, 22 January
A plea bargain was struck in the Unabomber trial in California. Theodore 'Ted' Kaczynski changed his plea to guilty to being behind a violent Luddite campaign of explosive devices, of attempting to sack his legal team and represent himself, and of having a name that a journalist (Ashley Brunton of the Green Bay Evening Examiner) could not spell while half-drunk.
Britain's first boot camp is to close less than a year after it opened. The camp, at Colchester, Essex, is failing to provide acceptable value for money. Leaked documents show that just 9% of the boots that went into the camp had not re-offended within 4 months of their release; the remainder had cracked, split or had their eyelets ripped out by marauding twigs.
Microsoft news: The Redmond-based firm struck a deal with the US government that will allow computer manufacturers to delete the icon for Internet Explorer if they so desire. Government sources stopped short of forcing the high-quality browser off PCs altogether, as this would lay them open to accusations of stopping the company distributing the best browser on the market. In other developments, word reached the City that Microsoft would mount a bid for British Telecom, the main supplier of telecommunications within the UK. The unconfirmed reports indicated that the company wishes to expand its high-quality, stable products into a market that is best known for late delivery and poor quality service; however, BT would instead become a subsiduary of Microsoft. |
Wednesday, 21 January
A spoof call to Prime Minister Tony Blair confused absolutely nobody. Capital Radio DJ Steve Penk called 10 Downing Street pretending to be Conservative Party leader William "Slappy" Hague. Blair later claimed that he played along with the gag, in which he was offered a copy of a Cher exercise video. In fact, Blair never took that call; it was routed through to a spoof Prime Minister, in charge of a spoof cabinet. The real cabinet, evicted from office during 1995, are yet to be traced from the last sighting in Chipping Sodbury.
School standards minister Stephen Byers was asked what eight sevens are in an interview on BBC Five Live. "54", came his reply, as instant as it was inaccurate.
Stephen Byers is expected to be moved to the Treasury this autumn, where such an error will not matter.
ER was rocked today with the news that George Clooney has resigned to spend more time with his movie career. Clooney, 35, known to dozens as Dr Ross Ice Shelf, admitted that the decision to leave the $26 billion per episode comedy had been difficult. "Ultimately, though, my scenes with Helen Baxendale were the last straw." Baxendale, the Lisa Forrest look-a-like, was unavailable for comment.
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This page updated Jan 31, 1998
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