Weaver - This Column Is Plagarised!

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Off With This Columnist's Head

Denis Horgan

First published August 9 in the Hartford Courant.

In the previous week, a Boston Globe columnist whose name no-one now remembers was fired for inventing characters and plagarising other people's work. Seeing as how that's all this section ever does, we have no compunction in plagarising an article already plagarised.

Where did the word ``Mister'' come from anyway?
Four years ago (1), or possibly it was five (2) years ago, I was walking down the street (3) when I met a neighbor (4) who said, ``Hello Mr. Horgan'' (5) and I said, ``Call me Denis.'' (6) It makes me nervous to be called ``Mister.'' It is so formal and, well, so old-sounding. I am only 28 (7) - in spirit anyway. Twenty-eight.
But, thinking about it (8): Where did the word ``Mister'' come from anyway?
It is an odd word. All these words (9) are odd. Mister? Sounds like something that dampens plants in a greenhouse. Mrs.? How can ``Mrs.'' be an abbreviation (10) of ``Missus'' or ``Mistress'' and why would a married woman (Mrs.) call herself the mistress when she is the wife? In this day and age? (11) (12) (13) Please. And how about ``Miss''? Miss what? Hit or miss?(14)
* * * * *
(1) Archly reminiscent of Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. Columnist is most likely plagiarizing the Great Rail Splitter. The executive committee of Watchful Editors & AsSorted Executive Losers (Weasels)* demands that he be fined and fired and killed and staked at the crossroads.
* Charter Chapter, The Boston Globe.
(2) The Committee is deeply suspicious of columnist's getting vague on details which ought to be crystal clear. What is he trying to hide? What is his source? Suspend him until he talks. Put him on the rack.

Suspend him until he talks. Put him on the rack.

(3) Which street? Why is the street not named? Did he make up a street? He must have made up the street. Because he absolutely made up the street he should be made to bleed.
(4) Ibid. What neighbor? Why is the neighbor not named with a Social Security number, address, age, employment history and distinguishing characteristics and scars? Such vague identifiers create a credibility problem. Is there an agenda behind the question? We need to know.
(5) Too perfect a quote. Obviously a made-up job. People seldom speak so succinctly. Is this a fake question? If so, and it must be so because we wonder, why?
(6) A raw steal of Melville's ``Call me Ishmael'' opening line of ``Moby Dick.'' Such transparent lifting of another's work might even have occurred to our high-paid fact- checking-editing-management team which is so cruelly being accused of being asleep at the switch otherwise. What could he be thinking of, swiping such material? Did he think no one would notice? Hadn't he been warned in Council Edict No. 56529: ``Do not use the opening line from `Moby Dick' or any facsimiles.''
(7) A bald-face lie, misrepresentation and falsehood! It is well-known that he is not 28, has not been 28 for decades. Everyone knows he cannot be 28. He has been writing for longer than that. Dock his pay more than if even he had robbed a bank.
(8) Clang Clang Clang. The alarm goes off. Nearly the very words Mike Barnicle used (``I was just thinking.'') ``Thinking'' is obviously a code word, a red flag alarm of malevolent intent. If we start having columnists ``thinking,'' where will it take us? Rules is rules.

If we start having columnists ``thinking,'' where will it take us?

(9) Columnist - is it for nothing that this word so much resembles ``communist''? - rips off the word ``word'' from the preceding sentence, even trying, in a sinister fashion, to disguise the theft by saying ``words'' and ``word.'' The keen eye of the Committee catches the subterfuge. Shoot him.
(10) ``Abbreviation'' has been used in 340 other stories in the past 14 years, a computer search indicates, demonstrating that columnist has a flawed sense of originality and should be torn down and his spot given over to the agate school menu team. At the least he should be maimed.
(11) ``This day'' is much too close to ``today,'' ``NewsDay,'' ``USAToday'' to be coincidental. Clearly a major league swipe. Sack him!
(12) We forget what we were noting here but it was probably very important.
(13) Making a slighting remark including ``age'' is decidedly un-PC, which in this business is a capital offense and he will need to be terminated to balance off the termination of the miscreant who stole all the coins from the newspaper vendor box. We have a responsibility to appear even- handed even at the expense of being demonstrably empty-headed. Columnist's many years of service should be seen as a burden rather than as an asset.
(14) The writer's arrogance - billing himself as the ``Velcro Columnist - everything sticks to me'' - flies in the face of the watery, full-grovelling and mealy-mouth result we are trying to create here by dulling things down. Beat him with a club. Snip off his nose. Send him to Boston.

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This page updated October 3, 1998


	Where did the word ``Mister'' come from anyway?	Four years ago (1), or possibly it was five (2) years ago, I was walking down the street (3) when I met a neighbor (4) who said, ``Hello Mr. Horgan'' (5) and I said, ``Call me Denis.'' (6) It makes me nervous to be called ``Mister.'' It is so formal and, well, so old-sounding. I am only 28 (7) - in spirit anyway. Twenty-eight. But, thinking about it (8): Where did the word ``Mister'' come from anyway? It is an odd word. All these words (9) are odd. Mister? Sounds like something that dampens plants in a greenhouse. Mrs.? How can ``Mrs.'' be an abbreviation (10) of ``Missus'' or ``Mistress'' and why would a married woman (Mrs.) call herself the mistress when she is the wife? In this day and age? (11) (12) (13) Please. And how about ``Miss''? Miss what? Hit or miss?(14) * * * * * (1) Archly reminiscent of Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. Columnist is most likely plagiarizing the Great Rail Splitter. The executive committee of Watchful Editors & AsSorted Executive Losers (Weasels)* demands that he be fined and fired and killed and staked at the crossroads. * Charter Chapter, The Boston Globe. (2) The Committee is deeply suspicious of columnist's getting vague on details which ought to be crystal clear. What is he trying to hide? What is his source? Suspend him until he talks. Put him on the rack.
	Suspend him until he talks. Put him on the rack.	(3) Which street? Why is the street not named? Did he make up a street? He must have made up the street. Because he absolutely made up the street he should be made to bleed. (4) Ibid. What neighbor? Why is the neighbor not named with a Social Security number, address, age, employment history and distinguishing characteristics and scars? Such vague identifiers create a credibility problem. Is there an agenda behind the question? We need to know. (5) Too perfect a quote. Obviously a made-up job. People seldom speak so succinctly. Is this a fake question? If so, and it must be so because we wonder, why? (6) A raw steal of Melville's ``Call me Ishmael'' opening line of ``Moby Dick.'' Such transparent lifting of another's work might even have occurred to our high-paid fact- checking-editing-management team which is so cruelly being accused of being asleep at the switch otherwise. What could he be thinking of, swiping such material? Did he think no one would notice? Hadn't he been warned in Council Edict No. 56529: ``Do not use the opening line from `Moby Dick' or any facsimiles.'' (7) A bald-face lie, misrepresentation and falsehood! It is well-known that he is not 28, has not been 28 for decades. Everyone knows he cannot be 28. He has been writing for longer than that. Dock his pay more than if even he had robbed a bank. (8) Clang Clang Clang. The alarm goes off. Nearly the very words Mike Barnicle used (``I was just thinking.'') ``Thinking'' is obviously a code word, a red flag alarm of malevolent intent. If we start having columnists ``thinking,'' where will it take us? Rules is rules.
	If we start having columnists ``thinking,'' where will it take us?	(9) Columnist - is it for nothing that this word so much resembles ``communist''? - rips off the word ``word'' from the preceding sentence, even trying, in a sinister fashion, to disguise the theft by saying ``words'' and ``word.'' The keen eye of the Committee catches the subterfuge. Shoot him. (10) ``Abbreviation'' has been used in 340 other stories in the past 14 years, a computer search indicates, demonstrating that columnist has a flawed sense of originality and should be torn down and his spot given over to the agate school menu team. At the least he should be maimed. (11) ``This day'' is much too close to ``today,'' ``NewsDay,'' ``USAToday'' to be coincidental. Clearly a major league swipe. Sack him! (12) We forget what we were noting here but it was probably very important. (13) Making a slighting remark including ``age'' is decidedly un-PC, which in this business is a capital offense and he will need to be terminated to balance off the termination of the miscreant who stole all the coins from the newspaper vendor box. We have a responsibility to appear even- handed even at the expense of being demonstrably empty-headed. Columnist's many years of service should be seen as a burden rather than as an asset. (14) The writer's arrogance - billing himself as the ``Velcro Columnist - everything sticks to me'' - flies in the face of the watery, full-grovelling and mealy-mouth result we are trying to create here by dulling things down. Beat him with a club. Snip off his nose. Send him to Boston.