I once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in
Louisiana, and it arrived with this article in the
packaging. No kidding! Could this be true? I find it hard
to believe a company would have this much of a sense of
humor to include this. Then again, it is Louisiana...
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free
service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via
some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we
ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY
BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT,
DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT
ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME
CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS
WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE
SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because
we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it
turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device
in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions,
we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with
dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK?
Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the
Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears
into outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE
BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE
THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only
proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now
seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as
much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in
Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is
not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if
you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX
OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES
SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If you attempt to return the device to
the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store
personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by
Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say
"WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer
grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of
tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should
turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this
country can't make a car that can get all the way through
the drive-through at Burger King without a major
transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
And not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of
the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a
continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing
hazardous electrical current to flow through their
appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug
Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is
equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs
Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct
sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT
HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE
CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE.
THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE
MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY
MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER
ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON
TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our
advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!!
Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth
section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is
not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action,
as a kindly (something) virepoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be
warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as
shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly
before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no
charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People,
who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals
designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does
not cover the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
