Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Why did God give men penises? So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage.
Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for? Its braille for suck here.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't? Her navel.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? Lipstick.
What's a wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Why do women have tits? So men will talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild? Money.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.
Why do women have periods? They deserve them.
Why did God make man first? He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you. What have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.
Why was the woman crossing the road? Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job will still suck.
Why can't you trust women? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
How many male chauvinists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, let the bitch cook in the dark.