"Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"
"Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"
"Be Nice to Your Children... They'll Pick Your Nursing Home"
"Husbands Should Come With Instructions"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your Prayers, You'll Still Go to Des Moines When You Die"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered... Now ! "
"Life Is Hard; Then Your Not Here "
"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same"
"I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man... I've Been Practicing Since 1949"
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"
"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
"Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"
"60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts... Make Offer"
"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher"
"A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!"
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"
"I Yell Because I Care"
"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"Re-Elect Nobody"
(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man"
"My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse...
.... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups"
(On a baby-size shirt) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M."
"I Don't Suffer from Insanity.... I'm a Carrier"
"El Nino Made Me Do It"
"The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"
"I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling "
"You Who Think You Know It All Are Damn Annoying to Those of Us Who Do"
"I Am the Person Your Parents Warned You About"
"The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity"
"I'm Not Getting Older....I'm Getting Meaner "
"That Was Zen; This Is Tao"
"Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word"
"Aliens Have Examined My Internal Organs "
"It IS As Bad As You Think, and They ARE Out to Get You"
"I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've Lost 15 Days"
"Why Is 'Abbreviation' Such a Long Word?"
"There Are Three Kinds of People... ... Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't"
"Familiarity Breeds"
"Proofread Carefully to See If You Any Words Out"
"Your Kid May Be an Honor Student, But You're Still an idiot"
"When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS"
"Sometimes I Fantasize That I'm Rich Enough to Be a Republican"
"I Killed a Six Pack Just to See It Die"
"A Freudian Slip Is When You Say One Thing But Mean Your Mother"
"Disregard Last T-Shirt"
"I Do Whatever the Voices Tell Me to Do"
"I'm Retired and This Is As Dressed Up As I'm Gonna Get"
"Growing Old Is Mandatory... Growing Up Is Optional"
I'm Not 50--I'm 18 with 32 Years Experience"
"Parents of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young"
"My Wife Says I Don't Listen to Her...Well ? "
"Over the Hill? What Hill? I Didn't See Any Hill!"
"I'm Not Unemployed... I'm a Consultant"
"All I Ask Is That You Try Me "
"Goodbye Tension... Hello Pension"