Thunder Rolling
Lightening Flashing
Emotions Raging
Memories Intruding
~~ Transported to Another Time ~~
Dreams Scattered
Distrust Encountered
Love Hatred
Hope Battered
~~ and the storm rages on ~~
Walls Placed
Emotions Raged
Heart Stoned
Rings Removed
~~ I don't love you anymore ~~
Tears Fell
Endless Well
Lonely Cell
My Hell

Tonight in my need to be alone with me I went for a ride. Took the backroads and just let the world kinda pass me by.. As I parked to watch the sky, I got to thinking about the snow. I sure have griped about the snow alot lately.. LOL But watching it in a different light makes me appreciate the beauty of it.

When I was driving the flakes were coming at me at a dizzying rate. But as I stopped the car to watch they were gently gliding down. Almost magical in their appearance.

And I was thinking, as I watched. My life, up until now, has been like that. I get to going through life fast paced, thinking I have to do this or that or whatever.. and the hurrieder I get, the faster those snow flakes seem to come at me. Before long I am getting dizzy from all thats heading my way, and it tends to overwhelm me.

Sometimes, someone comes along to remind me to STOP! When I do, the "snowflakes" come down so much calmer, and in doing so I can watch in wonder. I can breath and not become overwhelmed. In stopping I can once more see the beauty of it all, whereas when in a hurry the beauty alluded me.

Funny how to some, the simpler things in life are the hardest to learn.

It's April now, a new month and a new season. A time for change. The snowflakes will taper off, and the flowers will begin to bloom. I think perhaps it is never to late to bloom as well.

As I turn out the lights, and ready for bed. I open my arms wide and embrace Spring.

We are told that God gives his Angels charge over us, to watch and guide us.. How many of us have heard that message in our lives and immediately envisioned these splendid creatures with long flowing gowns and beautiful wings. Faces serene, angelic faces… and we think.. “yes, I can learn so much from them.”

I challenge you to think again upon your definition of angels.

Do you believe a “perfect” non earthly being can guide you? Perhaps so, but I think our true angels are here on earth, living amongst us day to day. Perhaps the angel that’s been sent to you is the recovering alcoholic that takes your hand and leads your way towards recover.

Or perhaps the angel sent to you has been in an abusive relationship before and is there to show you the door to freedom.

Perhaps they are the one volunteering at the Crisis center and talking to you when you feel life has no meaning and you want to end it.

Maybe that angel is the poor man begging on the corner that reminds you to be thankful for what you do have.

Perhaps its that soul suffering from a illness yet gently leads you through the grieving process of your own diagnosis.

Perhaps your angel is the person that takes your children in when you can’t cope, and keeps them safe til you can take them again.

Perhaps your angel is the one who greets you at the soup kitchen with a smile, a meal and a hug.

Perhaps your angel is the the one who comes on line just to say, I believe in you… You may never see them face to face but they have touched you heart to heart.

And perhaps your angel is the one that’s helped you along a rough path you have been traveling and is now letting go so you can learn to fly…

And perhaps, perhaps in letting you go to fly… your angel is earning their wings and learning to fly as well.

As I take a moment today to reflect over the past 24 hours the word attitude comes to mind once again. Yes, I have problems with this word. I would imagine many of us with Chronic Illness struggle for the positive side of attitude.

I am only human, and like many I have shouted “Why me?” I have ranted, raved, cried, and been on my pity pot. Yes, you know the one, the dreaded pity pot. Where someone will eventually ask if you want some cheese with that whine. Thank God for good friends who won’t let me sit there too long.

I really never stopped to think about it though, not really. But yesterday I guess my eyes were more open than usual. As I went through the day, I began to realize two things. One was how the negative attitudes of others affected me. I started the day with a migraine, from there I went out into the community doing what I needed to do. (Had appointments to keep) After one particularly negative encounter I realized my whole attitude had been transformed. And with each negative encounter after that, I was pulled even further away from the positive side. By the end of the day I had a mega negative attitude of my own to cart around. As I climbed into bed last night it dawned on me, that I really did have a choice. I could of chosen to let the negative slide off and return it with positive. In accepting the negative feelings that I encountered in the day, I allowed it to trigger past negative feelings, and it had a domino effect. You have heard the phrase: “ Smile, its contagious.” Well so is a frown. I realize in my taking on the negative I was in turn transferring it to others.(I am truly sorry for that my friends) The circle was begun.

I find that when I am not in “flair” that it is easier to deflect that kind of emotion. But when we are faced day after day with racking pain, on top of life’s other challenges, we find our defenses are down. I am not completely sure how we can over come this, but I am working on it. (and always open to others ideas and input)

Many with FMS/CFIDS/MPS were or are Care Givers. It is hard to step back from that role. I think in that sense it is so hard for us to not be there to listen, offer a shoulder, dry a tear, or whatever is needed of us. That’s our nature. The trick is to find a balance, for in finding balance we are able to center. In centering ourselves, we are better able to maintain the positive side of Attitude.

One thing I have found to help me is to take time each morning, and each evening to just sit or lie quietly, breathing deeply, listening to soft music and clearing my mind of everything. I still have a hard time with this, as it often seems my mind is going a million miles a minute. The more I do it, though, the easier it becomes.

One day at a time, one minute at a time, sometimes one second at a time I am getting there.

Is forgiveness as simple as some would have us think. I used to think not… but now looking back I wonder.

It certainly is simpler than carrying the grudges, and allowing them to weigh us down.

It is certainly easier than that feeling of bitterness that encompasses us, and affects everything we do in our lives.

I don’t think forgiveness is a one time thing, nor do I believe that it is strictly for the benefit of the transgressor.

To forgive is to free yourself even more so. Often the transgressor has no desire to be forgiven. In fact they often do not know that they have offended. And if you tried to explain the offense chances are they would not understand. We are all so different, each unique in our own way. We come from so many backgrounds etc. that what we may consider a major wrong, others will see as normal every day life.

So when we talk about forgiveness, let’s talk about it in terms of us…. That’s what truly matters after all. Even if we forgive today, and let it go. The chances are, at some other point in our life, something will come up to remind us. At those times it is important to stop and once again forgive. And in doing so I think you will find that it comes easier and easier, until one day you will realize it truly is forgiven for good.

If we don’t, however, try to forgive in the first place, we are allowing those anger, bitter, resentful feelings to control our lives. We lose so much of who we are when we allow that to happen. I know, I speak from personal knowledge. When we do this, hold our grudges, keep our hurts bottled up within, we are proclaiming the “transgressor” as “winner”.

What a waste of a perfectly good day to spend it in the past. The saying, yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery today is a gift that’s why its called the present… really isn’t as profound a saying as one would think..

It really is that easy. We can’t change yesterday, so take the lessons we were meant to learn and get on with living today.

Should we stumble, should we fall, and once more become embraced by that past hurt, then it only means we are human, that’s OK. Just remember at one point to pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and set your sites forward once more. Lord knows I have fallen more than my share of times. It’s those falls that ultimately teach us how to live.

We all have a choice in how we will live, you know. We can chose to be bitter, to be angry to be consumed in despair.. Or we can chose to look for the blessings in our lives, to live in joy, to focus on the positive in our lives. It’s there you know, al around you are positives. You just have to open your heart to see.

So many times in my life I lost site of these treasures. I have let anger control my life, bitterness, jealousy, and deep hurts that I thought would never heal.

I was wrong, so very wrong. That was no way to live at all. For the past week I have been deep in learning this lesson, in more ways than I can even begin to tell you. But today I am once more picking myself up, brushing myself off, and setting my sites forward. And ya know what, life does look so much better from this angle..

We have all heard this phrase but what does it really mean? Surely it doesn't actually refer to smelling roses does it?

Life is such a hurried rush, going to and fro. Work, home, hobbies, bed and do it all over again. One day you stop long enough to ask, "Where has the time gone?" but it is only a fleeting thought before you jump back onto the fast trac of life. Is that really living though? I used to think it was.

Now add an illness to that, one where no one else can see that you are ill. In invisible illness so to speak. You are still in life's fast trac but working harder to keep up, even a steady pace is difficult. You have to though, you struggle but feel yourself falling behind. Why do you fight it so? Because society dictates what you do is who you are. Where you are in life, in regards to career, family relationships, is what society views your worth by. Giving up or giving in is not in your vocabulary.

I know, because a year ago I gave up and gave in. At least that is what I felt like I was doing at the time. I gave in to the pain, I gave up a nursing career I loved with all my heart. In my mind I had failed! I depended on welfare as I fought for disability (and won). But the depression and self- loathing grew heavy as well. I had no self-esteem. I felt I had let society down.

And then it happened. Quit by accident really, but happen it did.

I was grocery shopping one day and walked by the florist section. I usually just ignore it and go get what I need. But this day was different. I felt an overwhelming urge toÂ… you guessed itÂ… stop and smell the roses. So I did, and not only did I stop to smell the roses but I left the store with my groceries and a bundle of bright yellow and red roses. My heart was a little lighter that day. The fast trac wasn't quit as important.

Suddenly other things also began to come into view. Things that while on that fast trac I forgot to stop and enjoy.

Those nights I couldn't sleep, I suddenly felt like sitting on my front steps wrapped in a blanket watching the moon and stars in the still of the night. Or sitting by the window to watch the sun come up in all its glory. Amazing how many years had passed by without my ever seeing a sunrise.

On days when the pain is bad but I am going stir crazy I sometimes have an urge to walk across the street to the park and sit and watch the kids at play. There is something magical in the expresion of a kids face as they soar to new heights on the swings. So magical in fact that often I am compelled to join in the fun. I don't fly as high anymore, and I certainly don't jump from the swing at dizzying heights. But…. its enough to just fly for a few minutes.

And I come home with feeling better. Did it take my pain away? NO, but it let me for just a moment be a kid again in all my childhood daring and freedom. In the fast trac, I as a grown up with guidelines of what grown ups do and don't do to follow. Swinging was not included. S

You know, I don't miss the fast trac anymore. In fact I think I had it all wrong from the start. Being disabled has allowed me to relearn to love the sound of a childs giggle, the sunsets and sun rises. It has allowed me to re find me, to find inner peace, and in doing so it also allowed me to find love.

I would love a cure, for all of us. And would love more than anything to be able to go back to work too. But, if/when that day ever happens, I won't be returning to the fast trac for the roses smell much too sweet to ever lose again.

I look around me and I wonder.... what happened to the kinder, gentler world this used to be? Or is it me, maybe as a child I was just seeing through a childs eye and saw the love and compassion of others. Now as an adult I sometimes have to struggle to find it. It is safer here, in my home, on my computer.... Out in the jungle there are horns honking, people yelling, children crying for love and attention. Bickering, arguing without a care for who they hurt. Can't they see? Don't they know that the person they may be arguing with may be someone that is truly at the brink? Don't they know that what is said today can never be erased. The consequences of a harsh word can never be taken back... Sometimes it can be softened, but will always be remembered if only subconsciously.

I know there is good out there, I have seen it. Why does the media focus on the negative? Wouldn't it be great to once open a newspaper and all it had in it were the positive news stories? I don't understand this need to focus on the negative, nor this need to dig into peoples private lives to bring out the skelatins lurking in their closets. Nor do I understand the need of some to feel they have to cause pain. Where forgiveneess used to be a key word in our vocabularies, for many that word has been replaced with revenge. Revenge at all cost. Look at the petty lawsuits. Revenge because somone spilled their hot coffee on themselves. Revenge because someone slipped on spilled coke. Has it always been this way and I am just now taking off the rose colored glasses? Maybe so.

It is too bad that we are not told of the random acts of kindness that goes on daily, I know there is good out there. I have seen hundreds of kids, all ages working side by side with us oldies sandbagging to save the home of a stranger. I have seen the kind hearts that stop and help stranded motorist. I have seen the person in the store helping an elderly woman or gentleman find what they need, or helping a mom who's hands are full with toddlers. But more and more I also see the motorist who impatiently honks at the elderly gentleman that is trying to get across the street as quickly as he can. I have seen the dirty looks people give someone that parks in a handicapped parking place yet doesn't "look" handicapped. I have seen the doctors who rush patients in and out, never hearing a word they say. I have seen the harried mother yelling at the kids... words like hopeless and stupid being used. I know that kinder, gentler world is out there somewhere. I am just too tired to find it anymore. No, I don't think the real world is for me. So here I sit, with my computer and my cyber friends... Let the world pass me by. I am home.

Do you remember this hymn by: I.B. Sergei

My God and I
My God and I, go in the field together.
We walk and talk;
like good friends should and do.
We clasp our hands,
Our voices ring with laughter.
My God and I,
walk through the meadows hue.
We clasp our hands,
our voices ring with laughter.
My God and I,
walk through the meadow hue....

Doesn't this song take your breath away? To me, this is what my faith rests on.

As I was growing up I learned about God in a Church building. To me, ones faith was there, in those four walls. It was structured, it was safe, it was following rules and regulations. But it wasn't me. It wasn't what I now as an adult believe. Arriving at this point in my life was a 40 year journey, and truly has only begun.

Over the past several years I have had to learn to deal with depression, suicide attempts, Fibromyalgia, Chronic pain, among many other things. Major upheavels in my life, major struggles. When this happened, I turned to the place I had always been taught would be there for me. It was here that I discovered what I should of all ready known. A Church, the four walls, the people within, are all earthly materials and peoples. Sometimes we go to them expecting miracles.

My marriage fell apart, they had no clue as to how to deal with that. My health declined to where I coldn't be as active, and they backed away. I needed them, they weren't there. And for so long I resented that. I didn't understand how they could of abandoned me.

What I now know is this. They didn't abandon me, they just didn't know what to do with me. In the years of trying to deal with this I found that I really never was alone.

There is an inner "strength" we all have. That special umph to get us through. Sometimes we find it, sometimes we close our eyes to its existence. But it is there. This is my faith.

When I see a sunrise, I know I am not alone. That's no freak of nature. When I am out by the lake and the Loons are crying out their mystical call, I am not alone. My faith is there, taking in the moment. Holding it in store for when I need to draw on that calmness again.

The sound of a childs laughter rings in my ears. The smell of a newly fallen rain. The rainbow after a storm. All are a part of my spirituality.

A strangers smile, a helping hand, a pat on the back for a job well done. An encouraging word, a magical moment. All are part of the Spirituality of the inner me.

For my spirituality, my faith, are who I am inside, in my heart. And who I am inside is made up of the challenges I have faced in my life as well as the kindnesses and love.

Do I believe in God? Yes! Not in the God I found in the Church building, not the one contained within four walls, but the God I found in my heart, within me. The one that I know I can always depend on.

Many have the same God, some call him/her God, some call it Mother Earth, Goddess.. Whatever the case may be. They are all one and the same. The Creater. To find your spirituality, your peace, don't listen to the outside world. Listen instead within.. "Be still and know that I am God."

Thats where your spirituality awaits you.

I am not who you think I am,
I am not who you percieve me to be.
You want the pre-Fibro me.
A me that can never again be.

I can't keep up with the old me;
She left a long time ago.
And although I am a great pretender.
I am not the one you used to know.

Come and meet the new me.
I laugh, I love, I cry.
My dreams have been replaced.
I've changed, but am still the same inside.

Can we meet someday on my level
I can show you the world according to me.
You may be surprised to find
A slower pace is not such a bad place to be.

And although I can't run, work, hike
play ball, be chauffer, sit through a movie..
You, my children, are still my pride and joys
And I love you with all that is me.

My friends, we have been through some tough times.
And you know I would do all for you.
But can't you see the pain I am feeling;
and understand I need you, too?

My family, you are so precious to me;
And have always been my biggest fans.
I need you to listen to me now;
and accept me for the me that I now am.

I love each and every one of you dearly;
And would spare you this pain if I could.
But it is time I started taking care of me.
The way I now know I really should.

And so I will leave you now
with a few words before I depart
And that is, that although I have changed
healthwise, I still love, laugh, cry I am still the same me in my heart.

Psalms 91:11 – “ For He shall give his Angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways.”

This is my favorite verse from the Bible. Why? Simply because I do believe in Angels. Not just the winged ones you see portrayed in artwork of all genre’s but also I believe in the “silent” Angels that one meets along the way. See if perhaps you don’t agree.

Several years ago, 20 to be exact, I was stranded on the side of a highway, in the middle of nowhere. I was 8 months pregnant and traveling with my Great Aunt, Brother and Sister. It was the middle of the summer and in the South. (Need I say more! LOL ) For almost an hour we waited hoping someone would stop. We had given up hope and my brother was just heading out to hitch hike to the nearest town, we had no idea how far that was. Before he got going though, a truck driver stopped. He looked at the car and found the problem, we needed a new radiator hose. So he offered to drive my brother into town to get one. His kindness didn’t end there however, he also brought my brother back to us, and smiling and whistling he installed the new hose. As he was preparing to go, he shook our hands. I asked for his name and his reply was, “Melanie, I think you know who I am. “ Then he left. Now, how did he know my name? I had not told him. Angel’s? I believe!

That’s not the only time I was stranded. There was a time I was escaping a bad marriage and my car again died on the highway. The mechanic wanted more to fix it than the car was worth. So I had to leave the car and get to the bus station. I had only 30 minutes to make that ride. The mechanics wife offered to not only drive me and my two children ( ages 2 and 7 ) to the bus but she also offered to send us the things from the car when we got settled and a address to send it to. No way could we make the bus in time, so they held the bus up for us. Angel’s? I believe!

A lady and her two children took us under wing. My son sat with her son, and we alternated watching the kids when the other slept. Two days we spent together, they were going even farther than we were. We got to our last stop and find out the ticket person had forgot to include the last ticket to our final destination. So the driver wouldn’t let us on the bus. This family got off the bus and refused to go on as well. Soon others on the bus saw what was happening and they too disembarked. The driver was running late and finally threw his hands up in frustration and ordered us all back on the bus. I was tired, hungry scared, alone and very little money left. Angels? I believe! After my divorce I worked in Pediatric Oncology. I saw the pain these children suffered, saw their strength, and say their will to live. I also saw their acceptance of death. In a world where I had given up hope I saw miracles happening all the time here. Angels? I believe!

A year and a half ago I gave up on life. I had all my medications in front of me. Had a divorce pending, was unable to work anymore, watched all my dreams fall by the wayside, and I just didn’t want to deal with life anymore! A friend called, she somehow knew I needed to talk. All night she sat and listened to me talk, and this was long distance! In the morning I was feeling much better, and so with a promise that I would seek help for the depression she hung up, knowing I would be OK. Angels? I believe!

I gave up on love though. No one could possibly love me. So I built up a wall and placed it around my heart. Never would I fall in love again, not in a million years! But someone came into my life. He tore down those walls, he loves me for who I am. My life will never be the same again. Angels? I believe!

Step back a moment, look at your life. I bet you have been blessed with many Angel’s in disguise.

I challenge you to look around you and see where you, too, could be an Angel in disguise. See a person with a “will work for food” sign? Go to the nearest fast food store or grocery store, get them a cheap meal or some fresh fruit or even just a bottled water. Then go back to this person and as you drive by quickly hand your bag out the window to them. It’s remarkable how great you will feel as well. *S* Do you have an elderly neighbor? When you head out to the grocery store or wherever ask if there’s anything you could pick up for them. Use your imagination. I know you can think of ways to be “Angel’s in disguise. For you never know whos life you will be touching. Sometimes just a smile and a friendly wave is enough to change another’s day. So go ahead, I dare you..

Angel’s? I believe!

Those words were your words, they don't apply to me.
They belong in the past, they are history.

You sought to destroy me, in many ways you did.
But I have come back now, and am ready to live.

No longer will I be decieved, by your brain washing words.
You are my past, from this day on I walk forwards.

Did you think you had won, when you kicked me out the door.
Did you think I would come running back, begging for more?

No I am much stronger now, I have learned a lot about life.
I don't need you, with all your bitterness, anger and strife.

I have proved you wrong, although you have no way of knowing.
As I re~find me, the me you took, my journey is just beginning.

From you I learned to guard my heart, build up the walls.
I learned to give up on love, faith, God, and friends as well.

I learned violence, and fear. To keep my thoughts all within.
but I was afraid to leave, I lived in a dream world til the bitter end.

With the final words, I don't love you anymore.
You started a chain reaction that continues as I soar.

for looking back, and seeing things through my new perspective.
I see that I am a perfect child of God, complete, I am ready to live.

You set me free, and in doing so I was able to overcome many a thing.
I thank you now, for now I can laugh. In learning to laugh I was able to sing.

Up from the misery of despair where I stayed.
I now look forward to each dawning day.

My eyes have been opened, a burden lifted, once more I can dream.
But not as a way to hide, but because I know things weren't as they seemed.

So thank you my ex, for the lessons I learned.
On how I should be treated, and loved as I journey on.

Learning to trust, letting go to love, are things I am still learning.
But without you here, your past lessons I have started forgetting.

But the lesson I take with me is the one I value most.
Love is not earned, It is given freely, it has no cost.

And in learning that lesson, and applying it to me..
I took the first major step on learning to be free....

As many of you know, Fargo had a major flash fllod problem not to long ago. As I sat at the Pot luck after Church Sunday I was listening to "flood stories". And thought I would share one of them with you.. LOL

One man in our Church has horses. He rents out some pasture land for his horses to go. He and another man that is. Well during the flood he gets a call telling him he might want to go get his horses. As the field was flooding. He wasn't too concerned until he and the other man got there. Now Reggie is a big man, about 6'5" or more. And he was saying the water at some places came up to his neck. So getting the horses was going to be a major challenge, the horses had headed for the middle of the field which was higher ground. They did manage to walk/swim out to the horses. As they approached the horses they saw a strange site. It seems the mice in the fields had headed for higher ground as well. And were all standing on the horses backs.. ( EWWWWWW, I would of lost it right then and there. ) And as they were approaching the mice were diving into the water.. Reggie was laughing saying they were scoring the mice dives as if it were olympics. One mouse even got a 10.. LOL..Each man grabbed two of them.(horses that is, not mice ) And proceeded back to the gate.They had hoped the other horses would follow them..LOL Not a chance. While heading to the gate they were thinking it would be safer, and less deep if they headed for abother section and just cut the wires to get out. And so they changed courses and headed there.

Right before they cut the wire, Reggie remembered to ask if the electricity was on.. LOL And so, to make sure, they backed a horse up to the wire, when the horse didn't flinch they knew it was OK. About this time a current came from no where and pulled Reggie under. The horse, feeling the current as well, started kicking desperately, trying to get away from it. In doing so, he got Reggie upside the head just as Reggie was coming up for air.. Poor Reggie has a nice bruiser on his forehead. ( but he is OK, he is from Arkansas and pretty tough skinned... LOL )

They finally got those horses loaded, delivered to their homes and got the rest out without incident.. *S*

But I bet he will never forget it...

As I was out yesterday fishing I had alot of time to think. dad had a CD playing, Anne Murray no less.. I love her music. *S*

And it was a little chilly out so there were hardly any people out.

The kids fell asleep. LOL ( I didn't raise avid fishermen I am afraid.. ) And all was so peaceful.

I was wondering why it is that way? I mean for me, why is it that I have to go be at the lake, surrounded by nature to truly feel that inner peace? The minute I step into my home or get around people it is gone.

So I am thinking.. LOL I have to try to analyze everything. And ya know, thats part of my problem. I am forever trying to find out why someone does the things they do, why people are the way they are. Why... why...why.... And in doing so, I often miss out on the important things. In trying to figure out why you often miss out on the good things in life.

My sister has been stydying Native American culture for several years and was explaiing to me the other day... That say you see a dead turtle alongside the road. You could look at it from an ecological point, maybe the turtle is crossing the road because he is searching for habitat or food thats been slowly being taken away on the other side of the road, etc. ( I am not explaining this as she did ) or perhaps its just a dead turtle in the road. And the thing to know is when to just accept and when its important to know the why's. I hope I am making sense.. LOL

Sometimes when things happen I have the tendency ( OK always when something goes wrong ) to blame me, to evaluate whats happened and doubt myself, and feel I am the cause. And so, I am learning now to take a deep breath, step back, and realize that sometimes things just happen and no matter what I did or didn't do, they would of happened.

This may seem so simple to some of you. *S* but for me its a major discovery.. LOL

You see with both of my ex husbands anything that went wrong was always my fault. I was always analyzing what I did wrong to see what it was, and I got good at finding my faults.. LOl Even when they weren't there. Its taken a long time to learn that it was not always my fault. And I am still dealing with coming to grips with that. that is why unconditional love is so foreign to me, and I have trouble accepting that... LOL Peter can attest to that.

And so, I am not even sure why I am rambling here. *S* Or why I am sharing this. maybe its just that this "breakthrough" is important to me and I knew you would all understand. *S*

Now better go... LOL Going fishing again.

This is just Mimi thinking aloud.. LOL So if your tired of my ramblings just go to the next thread.. I guess the new meds are working. LOL Slept 7 hours last night and 3 today... LOL even fell asleep in my chair here in front of the computer. But thats not what I wanted to talk to you all about. LOL See, rambling all ready.

Anyways I was sitting here looking at my Christmas tree. And was thinking.........

The tree we got this year, is really pretty... Iris picked it out, dad chopped it down and we finally got it home.. :) But as I was looking at it, I was noticing the trunk, many have commented on it.. You see , this tree has the curviest trunk I have ever seen on a tree. LOL How Iris and I ever got it to stand up straight I will never know. But standing tall it is...

So what is Mimi trying to say here? Simply this, as I look at the tree I think it is kind of like us. You see each curve in the tree marks some ordeal it has overcome.. and aren't we like that? Each ordeal we go through in our lives leaves a mark, wether visible or not? And yet, this tree is standing tall... and so should we. We have faced lifes difficulties ( and are still facing them) but we all have so much to be proud of as well. All of us have come so far, overcome major obstacles , endured things no person should have to endure.. yet we laugh we have such joy, and we are all alive. Not just living but alive... We are all survivors, just like my tree. So stand tall my dear friends. You all are so very special, each in your unique way..

Just sit back, take some deep breaths. Come on, you can do this. Breath in slowly and deeply, then slowly exhale.. See, feels good... Do it a few more times. Close your eyes and take a few more deep breaths. ( But don't forget to open your eyes again or you might miss the daydream part. :) )

Are ya all relaxed now, can you feel the tensions leaving your body? Good.. Cause we are playing in the surf, the water is so warm. Look at those funny birds. as soon as the surf leaves they run out trying to get the little crabs and such before the next wave rolls in.. As soon as the wave comes in they are running to miss getting wet.. Oops.. LOL That little one did not run fast enough. Got its poor tootsies wet. *giggle* I am sinking in this wet sand.. LOL The warm water feels so good and the warmth of the sun shinning on us feels so relaxing. Not too hot, not too cold. Just comfortable. Lets build a sand castle, here some shovels and buckets... let that inner child out to play ya'll. Here we go. Lets make it a tall one, one with a mote and a bridge, we can make a trench down to the water so we can have our mote filled with water. it will be so cool.

Mimi looks out at the ocean, Isn't it so relaxing just watching the waves come crashing in? Breath in that fresh sea air. Feel the sand under your feet. Watch the sea gulls flying over head.. Out in the distance you can see the ships coming in to port. And you can see.... hey, whats that.. There are a lot of them, and they are so close to shore. I think they have come in to say hello. Can you see them? Dozens and dozens of Dolphins... Lets swim out there to meet them.. Come on ya'll. Don't be afraid, they are harmless and are waiting to meet us. Ready, lets go... Look how happy they are to see us.. :) **GIGGLE** one just came up under me, I am on its back now going for a ride, ya'll coming...?? Here we go.... YA HOO !!! Out to sea.. ;) Oh look, whats that water shooting up over there? Oh man, would ya look at that... Huge, Giant, whales. A whole herd of them ( Is herd the right word?) Man thats beautiful. What a peaceful day... Look how the other dolphins literally leap out of the water. Yet the ones we are riding are so gentle with us, I think they understand us. :)

And now my dear friends, back to shore... Mimi gives her dolphin a kiss goodbye before swimming back to shore. What a lovely trip, I am so glad ya'll were with me.

Now take some more deep breaths my dear friends, feel your bodies relax, the tension that was there has left.... and you are ready to face the weekend, at peace with yourselves and with all around you. Ready to laugh, love and embrace life. I know the pain gets hard, I know that ours is not an easy life... but what we have does not have to change who we are... So smile my dears, be happy with you and love one another. Please be kind to yourselves today. And every day.

I was thinking, as we get closer to winter, and we have so much going on in our lives.. the time change, the holidays, etc.. well maybe its time for a quick vacation. It has been a while since I last posted a daydream. For you newbies, just bear with me. LOL I do these little trips from time to time just to give us all a chance to step back and relax for a few. You will catch on I am sure. And if you think I am certifiable nuts.. LOL ( and many would not argue that ) you will know to ignore all posts with the word daydream in its title.. :)

So as we prepare for our trip, lets take deep breaths. Breath in through your mouth, and then slowly exhale through your nose. And again, feeling your body relax. First your feet, then your legs, and again, breath in, exhale, your abdomen and arms are relaxing now as is your neck. Now just close your eyes for a few as you take a few more breaths. In , and exhale...

And as you slowly open your eyes the first thing you notice is the wonderful smell... like a fresh rain, and you see the beautiful fields of wildflowers all around you. Your eyes slowly adjust to the bright light of the sun, your body warms in its rays. You look around and suddenly you are aware of a soft breeze and hundreds of butterflies, all around you.

I am the bright yellow one, I see others, I am sure of who they are..Over there is Priscilla in lavender blue, and I would recognize Maggie there in her forest green. Theres our newest Angel, Nette all decked out in purple, and who could miss our dear Prissy all dressed up in blue? I see Angelheart, she, too, is purple. And dear Linda in burgundy. That shimmering butterfly over there? Why thats Ter in blue and with him is djb in her sky blue apparel. Don't overlook Tant there bedecked in red, and Danielle in her pink. Oh my, look at that neon pink, that can't be anyone but our dear Annie cat, And in mauve over there is our wonderful Bevie. Oh dear, there is another blue one.. that looks like heyyosh, yes I am sure it is. :) And the one over there, with the great tan and the pink legs. LOL It has to be Peter in his tights., Oh another purple one, flying around saying Uff dah... It has to be our dear MAMA. :)

And this isn't all, oh no.. you are all here, draped in your favorite colors. Shimmering in the sun. Can you feel the wind under your wings? Its like being free, isn't it? And as you look around at all the beautiful butterflies. You feel the peace of knowing all your brothers and sisters are here with you. Take a moment to look down, the wildflowers are just as bright and colorful as we are. What a beauty to behold.

We glide down and alight on those very fragile petals of the flowers. One wrong move, one misplaced step could cause the petal to break off. Isn't it so, with each of us? One wrong move, one misplaced word is often what it takes to break us? We, too, are delicate petals in this wonderful world. Each with our own struggles, each having our crosses to bear. As we go about our daily lives I hope that each of us can be more like that gentle wind that lifts up the others so they can fly.

I know, I know.. What can I say.. LOL ( well I can say alot.... )

So what do I want to ramble about today? PET PEEVES. Yes I know we all have them. But lately I have one thats really bothering me.. LO Ok so maybe this should be in vent.. Oh well.

Whats bugging me is that one question a person asks you when you are just starting up a friendship, or even a friendly conversation. You know the one I am talking about... The one that makes us cringe, and unsure of what to say.

A typical conversation:

Hi, how are you today.
I am fine thank you, and you?
Just fine. Where are you from?
MN. and you?
Florida.. I have two children and am married, you?
I have two children and am single.. *S*
Oh really, what do you do for a living?

ARGHHHHHHHH there it is, the dreaded question!!! Mimi's pet peeve.

And I have to wonder what society has come to when a person is judged by what they do and not by who they are? How often has my response that I am on welfare made others walk away without even trying to find out why or even who I am?

And when I go to pay for groceries with the EBT card ( similar to food stamps but it is on a credit card. ) And the stares I get are enough to make one cringe.

So I thought once I was on disability and off "welfare" it would be better? LOL Not a chance. People still look at me, and I know what they are thinking.. She doesn't look sick..

So here is where Mimi rambles. *S*

You see, if these people would only give us a chance to explain. How many people would we be able to educate on our illness.. LOL But also, they would find that we are normal people, just like them. I think when you mention Welfare, or disability it scares them because so many have such a misunderstood conception of who the people are who use those programs.

I remember as a nurse hearing the medical profession speak of people on terms of, well thats so and so.. she is on welfare.. And the sarcasm would just drip. And then I became one of those statistics.. Actually twice I have had to rely on welfare.

The first time was when I quit work to persue a Nursing Degree Full time. At first I tried working full time, night classes after work, and being a single mother. LOL That did not work... I needed my kids.

The second time was when my doctors told me I could not continue to work, that it was literally zapping the life out of me.

And so, thats my Pet peeve.. LOL I wish people would not put such an emphasis on what you do. Just as the FMS is something I have, and not who I am, the work I do ( or once did) is not who I am either.

So what do I tell them? LOL

I tell them I am disabled, that I am a single mother raising two children and I am a volunteer who hosts the best online support group there is. And I smile... LOL

Ok now I want to know, whast your pet peeves... I know you have them..

Take some deep breaths. Inhale slowly, ok now exhale.. Come on, you can do this. Forget work, forget the worries, let those worry lines kinda fade away. Just for a minute.. forget the screaming kids, the husband, the daily decisions like whats for dinner.... just forget it. Take another deep breath in and slowly exhale, you feel yourself relax, OK again... lets do this a few more times OK? Breath in, breath out.. feel your shoulders relax, again in, out... your legs are relaxing as well..

what a beautiful field of flowers. Flowers of all colors imaginable.. Tall ones, small ones.. :) For as far as the eye can see, flowers. Directly above this beautiful field is a double rainbow.. See the colors, how vibrant they are.. Pinks, reds, yellows ( my personal favorite color) oranges, just relax, breath in and exhale and soak in the beauty.. See it, feel the gentle breeze, smell the fragrant air.

Ever laid in a field of flowers? Come on, lets try it, it seems so inviting... We can lay here and look up at the rainbow... Its so soft, like a bed of feathers without the allergies ( cuz we are in cyber space ya know). Oh look, look ya'll.. Right over us is a flock of butterflies.. But the thing is..... they are all blue. I think Blue Butterfly has sent all her friends to watch over us in this dream. What a wonderful thing. And see as you look up at the butterflies, theres the double rainbows, and the blue sky... If I could paint a picture, this would be it. Close your eyes for a few, picture this, feel the love and peace surrounding you.

Feeling alone, reach out and take a hand, one of us is always here. And someone is right there beside you now in this daydream. I can't see them, I don't know who they are, but I know they will hang on to your hand as I know you will reach out to the person next to you and hold theirs. We are bonded together, hand to hand, heart to heart. So just sit there a few, and take the time to relax and know you are loved beyond measure................................................ and know, I love you. have a wonderful weekend my precious FMily.

So much has happened this year all ready. I know its been a real tough one for many of you. I wish I could reach out and give real Mimi hugs to all, and somehow make it better. But you all know I am there with you in spirit. And no matter what your struggle, however big or small. I am there. And I care.

So many times the crisis of our lives tend to overwhelm us to the point that we see only that. When if we were to step back and look again we would realize that it is truly just a small part of who we are and where we are in our lifes journeys. I know its not easy to do. But sometimes finding a quiet place for even 10 minutes a day. A place thats all yours, where you can go to pray, read, meditate whatever you choose. Somewhere to center yourself again and calm the chaos within. And then make a point of going there every day, at about the same time. Do it for you, my dear friends. Try it a week at least, and then if you find its not that important for you, let it go by the wayside, thats OK too. But its worth a try, right? *S*

When I say Center.. One way is to find your "happy thought" maybe its when your child was born, or a special moment with a friend, your wedding, or perhaps its just something as simple as a sunset, a rainbow.. What ever it is, we all have something special that when thought of makes our hearts smile. And sometimes we just forget that centering thought. ( or thoughts ) I am just asking you to reconnect with it. Even in the face of adversity, its ok to take a break and smile, laugh and embrace the world. For its really not the world thats let us down. Maybe whats got us down are a few people in the world. But they are just a few, and certainly not the big picture. Look what the world has given us. Friendships, ( for you each have a room full of friends here.. ) Love, ( And even if we don't have a special love now, I know we can reach back into our memories and find it there.. ), sunsets and sunrises, ( what a beautiful way to start and end a day, and here is a great time for solitude and reflection. ) the ocean and lakes and even little streams with wonderful waterfalls, the sunshine, the rain, yes.. even the snow. Mountains, flat lands.. animals, pets, flowers ( come on Spring ) Oh don't you see, the world is a wonderful place to be. And even if we can't get out and be in it, we can remember.. right? Just take some deep calming breaths and exhale slowly.. then close your eyes and think back. Its still there. Trust me.

And remember you, my friends. Don't ever let anyone take away you from you. Make sense? Don't change to please someone, don't compromise your standards for anyone. For in doing so you lose sight of who you are. Don't go there, its a lonely trip and always with bad results.

"To thine own self be true" is a saying Ter and I often use with each other. And it is so right. Believe in yourself. Trust in yourself as well, you each have an inner strength, use it when the going gets tough. Share, thats what we are here for.. then go out and do something about it with both guns smoking. We can offer our support, our gentle hugs , our unconditional love, even the gentle nudge you need to get going. But ultimately its you that does the hard part. And know we are always here to listen. This FMily is one of the most caring places I have been. Actually it is the most caring place I have been.

I love you all so dearly. I am always here for you wether it be by e-mail, by ICQ ( 13669939 ) or by MSN messenger ( fmilypals ) or even on that rare occasion that I am off the computer, by phone.. You just need to ask for the number.

Find your happy thoughts my friends, count your blessings.. And when life throws you lemons, make lemonaide as the saying goes. It can be done, I am living proof.

As I lay in bed, hoping to drift off to sleep but tossing and turning watching the clock instead I did some thinking. And I remembered a joke my sister always told. LOL And lucky ya'll get to read it here. But please bear me out, I really do have a reason for telling it. ( BTW Did I ever mention my Grandfather was a preacher that always had to work a story or joke into his sermon? *s* )

There were two pastures in this small town of Kansas. One pasture had bulls in it, the other had horses. One night there arose one of Kansas' wind storms. The wind was just a raging outside, tree's were being knowcked down. It was the worse many had seen as far as wind storms were concerned. One exceptionallly huge gust of wind knocked all the horses over, and the bulls kind of tilted to the right, then to the left, but remained standing.

The horses were able to get back up but were visably shaken. The bulls just kept on eating. It wasn't much longer when another ferocious wind came up and once more, all the horses were knocked over, but the bulls again, just teetered a little to the right and a little to the left before steadying them selves.

The horses once more got up, but now they are starting to get confused as they look over at their neighbors the bulls, seemedly unafraid, and eating away as if nothing had happened. A few minutes passed and the horses began to relax thinking it was over.. but just as they went back to grazing another strong gust came up and down they went. Yet the bulls remained steady on their feet.

Now the leader of the horses was getting a littled miffed. He walked over to the fence and said," Now, ya'll bulls over yonder, I don't rightly understand. " One of the bulls came up to the fence, " Well pardner, whats is it thats got ya confused?" the horse replied," Well ya see, them thar wind storms were mighty ferocious tonight. each time one came up it knocked us off our feet. But we noticed ya'll remained standing. Now how did ya'll do that?" "It's simple," replied the bull," We bulls wobble but we don't fall down. "

Ok this is where you laugh... HA HA HA yes, Mim's is showing her age. ( and also giving you a glimpse of what Mimi in sleepless in MN is like.... ) But get it, remember the toys, weebuls? Those plastic kids that fit into the cars etc? LOL Oh never mind... I don't have a mind left anyways ;)

OK, here is the application. ( As Grandaddy Doss would say ) Its all in the attitude. You see, we have this wonderful FMily here. And I love you all so dearly. And we have the end of 1999 coming up on us really soon. And I was thinking of how far many of us have come. I mean really, if we look back over a year and all we endured we should all be so proud of ourselves.

LOL OK so you are saying, whats that got to do with the stupid bulls. Well the bulls were determined, they had a goal, and that was to not let the storms knock them over. And isn't that what we did last year? The storms were there, some gusts were a lot stronger than others, yet, even though we swayed a bit in the wind, we found our footing once more, and didn't let it knock us down.

I am so proud of all of you.And now we have a whole new year awaiting us, one that is clean and fresh... the slate is clean, and it is up to us to paint the canvas. The beginning of this year I was very depressed. I didn't care about life, I didn't care about anything. I was lucky, I had a few friends that gently helped me see that happiness, joy, contentment, inner peace... all of those and more are not gifts one can give you, but rather gifts you have to give yourself.

LOL, I can see you there, scratching your heads and wondering what in the world Mimi is up to now. :) But really I do have something to say, just not sure how to say it. So please bear with me, I hope by the time I am through it will all make sense to you.

You see, the more "gifts" I gave myself, the more I wanted to share with others. And on the days I "lost" my gifts I practiced the fake it til you make it theory. ( when I remembered to, or when someone jerked me out of my pity party. ) and somehow, in the sharing of smiles, the reaching out to help others, I always ended up finding my gifts once more. And on those really rare occasions that my "gifts" were lost for awhile, it was all of you, here, that showed me where to find them again.

So with the coming new year, I want to ask something of each of you. Please give yourself these gifts, and when you loose your gifts, remember to fake it til you make it. And if that doesn't work, let us remind you of where those gifts are.

I am not saying its not Ok to vent, goodness knows many of you have listened to me vent often enough, including those poor souls tonight that caught me on ICQ. ( thank you all, you know who you are. )What I am saying is to not let the venting, and lifes annoyances and the FMS and everything else get in the way of your joy. No matter how bad life may seem at times, we can always find something in which to be thankful for. Even if it is something as simple as the glistening of a new fallen snow, or a spectacular sunset.

I love you all, and if I could have just one wish, it would be for happines for all of you.LOL took a lot of rambling just to get to that, didn't it? Thanks for reading through it all. And I do hope I made some sense.

Deep breath in, as you breath in feel yourself relax, slowly exhale... Letting the tensions of the day slowly drift away. Feel your shoulders relax, as the tension leaves. Another breath in, and slowly release, can you feel the peace settling in? *S*

And the cool air as you breath in, can you feel it? Looking around you see that we are in a buggy.. not just any buggy but a horse drawn carriage. Theres a soft snowfall coming down. The canopy on the buggy is gold with a fringe all around it. As you look around you see the snow sparkling in the fields, like millions of diamonds. And the evergreens branches are draped with the snow... As the horses trot along you hear the bells jingling.. Looking up the sky is alight with stars, so bright that you feel you can reach out and touch them.... You have a blanket wrapped around you to keep you warm, and mittens on. You can see your breath as you breath but you are not cold. And if you stick out your tongue you cn catch the snowflakes as they cascade down.

The horses stop and you hear giggling all around you. You step down and see the hills are alive, with the sound of FMily.. LOL Snowmen are in the process of being built, there's a snowball fight in the process and everywhere you look there have been snow angels made.. You quickly head towards the hill to find the perfect spot for your snow angel.. SPLAT!! Oh man, you got in the way of the snowball fight. Laughingly you scoop up a handful, fashion a snowball and let it fly.. before rushing off to make your snow angel. After doing so, and signing your name above it, you head off to find some FMily members ready to build snowmen/women/penguins/cats/eagles/etc. lol

With the snow sculptures made the snowball fights played out and the hill dappled with snow angels.. *S* It is time to bundle up again and head out. Everyone gets back into their buggies as the horses head for the big house at the very top of the hill.. Here you see a sign that says Welcome Home Fmily. Arms interlaced, laughing as we sing along.. you look around and realize, there's no place like home............

Lets all take a deep slow breath in, and gently exhale... let all of this weeks tensions just slide off your shoulders.. Again, breath in, and exhale... clear your mind of all negative thoughts.. lets just let the pure, love filled thoughts emerge. Another breath in, and slowly exhale.... close your eyes for a few and just let the peace from this room fill your thoughts and your soul.... Breath in, and exhale...

Do you feel yourself drifting? Look around you, we are in a big beautiful hot air balloon. Just lazily drifting to wherever the wind shall take us. Our balloon is painted in brilliant striped colors. Every other stripe is bright yellow. And there is Blue, red, orange, purple, green, all the colors you can possibly imagine... Take a deep breath, feel the coolness of the air, smell the fresh scent of country air.. We are flying over what appears to be farmland, and just woodlands. Everything looks like ants down there.. :) Lok above us. It is so amazing to see these clouds up close. Its as if you could just reach out and grab a hand full.. Like white cotton candy... But as you reach out to touch it, your hand just goes right through it..

Look at that gackle of geese to our left, flying in formation. What a beautiful sight to behold. Isn't it amazing that they just know where to go, and how to get there.. and how they follow their leader. And not just one leader, but when the one leading gets tired another takes its place. All working together. A team.. Kinda like us here. :) Ohhhh.. Ahhhhhhh... Look over there. My eagles, both of the soaring along with us.. I think they came to meet my FMily. and straight ahead of us is a beautiful rainbow.... Shall we follow it to the pot of gold...??

Here we go, anyone looking would think we were riding right on top of the rainbow.. You can reach down and dip your hand in it... LOL look your hand is all shades of colors when you do that. Ahhh breath in, feel the freshness of the air all around us. Feel the love of FMily all around us.. OK, we are getting near the pot... Lets land this balloon, OK? Gently now.... ahhhhhh now that was a soft landing.. Ok here we go, over to that big black cauldron.. Hang on to my hand, this is exciting.. I wonder whats in it? Is it really full of gold? Imagine what FMily could do with a pot of gold. A huge reunion on a deserted island, just us and some servers, cooks, house keepers... LOL Wouldn't life be grand?? OK, here we are.. I am just gonna peek in and see what is there. Hey, all that is in here is a scroll... Hmmmm shall we open it to see what it says.??

Opens the scroll

It says: Friends are worth more than silver and gold
Gold disappears with time we are told
But a true friend is there throughout eternity !!!
So count your treasures, one by one...
and soon you will see,
this pot overflow....

Ok I don't know who nicknamed me Rambling Rose, but I just was searching the web and found out Grateful Dead did a song called Ramble on Rose, so I thought... "Cool!" and went to look up the lyrics, and I have to confess... LOL They made absolutely no sense to me.

As many of you know, I went to the lake again yesterday. It was a wonderful day to be out fishing and enjoying Mother Natures wonders. *S*

Dad rents a boat slip there on the lake so he doesn't have to pull the boat back and forth to Fargo. And so when we got there all we had to do was undo the tarp and put the stuff on board.

As we were undoing the tarp I looked over the edge of the boat and saw a turtle looking up at me. He was about fist size and a pretty shade of green and for a few moments neither of us moved. But alas it was time to go and he did a quick dive down to the bottom.

The neatest thing about this lake is you can see the bottom. Its weird to sit there looking over and watching the fish going for your bait.

Ahhhh Peace and tranquility. People often will say thats what they seek, but what exactly do they mean?

For me, peace and tranquility are what I find there out on that lake. Listening to the mournful cry of the loons. Looking out over a calm lake, with not a ripple in site. The sun peeking in and out of the clouds. It was a Thursday, the kids were still in school. Peace, tranquility.

We went into a channel. the boat was too big to fit under thr bridge, but the water was about 3-5 feet deep and clear as can be. Looking over we saw the sunnies everywhere. big, small, inbetween. We fished for awhile, then headed back out to open water. In leaving mom and I got to watching over the sides to see what we could see in the lake. We saw the sunnies, of course, and some more turtles who had dived when they saw the boat approaching, and we even saw Northerns heading to the weeds on either side of us. *S* It was really a neat site to see.

There were hardly any others out, and those that were, were fishing. With it being in the week, there were none of the speed boats, or water jets, etc. peace... tranquility.

I could stretch out there on the seat, with my liine in the water and close my eyes. Its amazing what you will hear when your eyes are closed. Try it sometime sitting outside and see how many different sounds you can hear. There was the boat motor, the sound of the loons calling back and forth, the choruses of other birds, the Seagulls soaring overhead, a dog barking in the distance, peace..... tranquility.

And then it was lunch time.. Mom had sliced up a smoked briscuit ( sp?) let me tell you all, it made a wonderful sandwich. And I had bought fresh fruit. And there was bottled water in the cooler.

And for those wondering about what we did for those personal things. The pontoon has a built porta potty.. And it also has a sink and counter for fixing food and washing hands. And it has tables you can set up. We rarely do though. Its kinda nice to have the extra room.

Anyways, as we were eating and just relaxing, looking at the houses, the water, the scenery, the bald eagle came back,. He flew right over us, dipped in to grab a fish, and circled us before flying off again. I don't think I even breathed as he was there. peace... tranquility.

All in all we stayed out there on that pontoon for 11 hours that day. It was wonderful. I came home feeling at peace, still in a flair but better able to handle it. Why? because for 11 hours one day I had peace, and tranquility.

Take a deep breath, and let it out... And again, inhaling through the nose, exhaling through the mouth... As you do this concentrate on each part of the body, willing it to relax.. Starting from top to bottom, feel the tension leave. Breath, and just let the thoughts vanish away, clear your head, we are going on a wonderful journey. There is no pain here, just wonderful peace and contentment.As you breath the muscles are relaxing, you get comfortable in your chairs and prepare to venture out with me..

It is a little cool out, but you don't really feel it, just feel a cool breeze gently caressing your face as we walk.. We are going to just look around us and take in the awesome beauty that surrounds us. As we look up we see the sun is starting to go down, but it is a wonderful sight to see. There are snow clouds out and if you look where the sun is you can see what looks like a pale rainbow on each side of it, we call them sun dogs here. :) The tree's that we pass are all decorated for the season. The Maples have dropped their leaves and the heavy frost has left a beautiful shimmering coat on them instead. It is like they are decked out in crystals. And as the sun shines on them they twinkle and shine. And over there, as we enter a wooded area, are the majestic evergreens. They are just beautiful, the newly fallen snow adorns each branch. No artificially flocked tree could ever come close to the beauty here. As the frost settles in, the snow on these branches freeze, and they glisten like diamonds.

Because we are in cyberspace, and we can not feel the cold. We think back to days gone by, and those of us that have grown in areas where there is snow will know what I mean when I say we lie down in the snow and make Snow Angels. For truly we are all Angels on earth, helping and loving one another. A snow angel is created by laying in the snow and moving your arms up and down..and your legs in and out. :) They truly are beautiful.We get up and gently brush the snow off our garments... And trudge on, wondering whats next. As we come out on the other side of the wooded area we look around at the houses all decorated for the season. Some have just candles in the windows, others have lights inside and out. Each a reflection of the person that lives there. The bushes are covered in snow, and the ones that had lights on them you can see the lights shinning through. Its a sight one can not even describe. But is oh so beautiful.And isn't it a marvel that nature can produce such beauty that no living creature can reproduce? As we head back to the house for refreshments we stop at the open field beside my home... the new snow beconning us.. And as we build our snowmen and women ( for we are politically correct... LOL ) we share our stories of days gone by.. And lanquish in the comraderie. I see the artists of the FMily have outdone us all, there they have created several snow people holding hands, and in bold letters in front it says FMily Matters. And ya know, it really does.

Take a deep breath, my dear FMily, then slowly exhale. OK, again inhale slowly, to the count of 6, then slowly exhale. Feel yourself relax. Again, as you breath in, feel your arms relazing. They feel almost weightless. Exhale. Now feel your body relax, one inch at a time as you continue to breath in, and out.

And as you slowly open your eyes you realize that the reason your arms feel weightless is because you are floating along, beside your other FMily members. You are in the clouds, and as you look down the earth seems so at peace. You can see the ocean, the land. It all looks so beautiful. And colorful. You never imagined it would look so blue and green from up here at this viewpoint.

As a cloud rolls by you reach out to touch it, but your hand just slides through it.

You look around you and see all those Fmily members who have come to mean so much to you. You see they are as entranced as you are. No one is talking, just looking, and feeling the peace. And thats one of the joys of this FMily that even in our silence we are comfortable together.

Life has handed each of us our own set of troubles. Many less strong would of buckled under by now. We have so much to be proud of, in our selves and in each other.

Most of you were like me when I first found FMily, lost, confused, scared, alone...... And in time, all those feelings gave way. I am no longer tied down to those burdens. And I have watched many of you release your burdens as well. *S* That is why, here in this daydream, we are all "flying".

And yes, we all still have our fair share of burdens to bear. Our daily struggles to triumph over. Life will never be easy for us. But we all have the choice.. Do we let the burdens win or do we win over them. Do we continue to fly? Its a choice we all make, almost on a daily basis. And at times we do start to fall. Those times are when the FMily picks us up and carries us. So many of you have been carrying me for so long now. I owe this FMily alot. But owe, thats not the right word either. *S*

I am not saying this very well. LOL Lets blame jet lag shall we?

But please, FMily, remember, as you come back down to earth. That even when you can't see it, you all have the ability to fly. Just close your eyes, dare to dream, take those breaths and let it go. Fly.... I think we each should take a few minutes every day to do this. *S* Fly that is. To release those burdens. And when you land again, perhaps you can see clearer what burdens really don't need to be carried any more. *S*

And so, take the hand next to you. Know that regardless of wether you are grounded or flying, you are never alone. *S* And as we all link hands, breath in, slowly exhale.. And as you do the breathing, you gradually return to earth. Relaxed, at ease, and comfortable in the knowledge that youa re surrounded by many loving FMily members. All who love you dearly.

And wether you are in need of helping with someone elses burdens, or are needing help with yours, FMily is always here for you.

It was a beautiful day. Sun was shining, a cool breeze was blowing. Iris was at a sleep over and I.. well I went fishing with Dad and Mom. Dad has a 25 foot Pontoon, and it was just the three of us. We went down the red river fishing for catfish. *S* I didn't catch any catfish but that was OK.

As we slowly moved along I was watching the banks. The trees have started getting their leaves back. It was really interesting looking at them. A few years ago the "mighty red" flooded. And as we went along I could still see the remains of sandbags that had escaped during the flood, high in the treetops. And to sit there and imagine that at one time the river was up that hi just amazed me. Also you would see tree limbs embed hi up in these tree's as well.

As we went along the loons would call out. Often we would scare a few ducks who would take off in flight. Many places had geese along the shore and they would soar into majestic flight when they saw us approaching.

We heard something running through the tree's, and caught a glimpse of a few deer . *S* and a little further along I was startled to look out and there nestled in the grass was a deer. All I could see was her head sticking up, and she looked right at me with those beautiful big eyes. What a georgous site.

Often I would just lean back in the chair, close my eyes and listen to the nature around me. The birds were singing.. Leaves rustling in the breeze, water trickling in from a neighboring stream... And my soul was at rest.

And I wish I could of had each and every one of you there with me to enjoy the peace, the tranquility of the day...

Oh my how I have missed summer *S* But without winter I don't think I would appreciate Spring and summer quit as much.

I hope you all had a lovely day, and that sometime during your hectic schedules you took time to stop and just appreciate all your blessings. I love this FMily so much, I hope you all know just how much each and every one of you mean to me. *S* ..

OK..most of you have been tripping ( LOL ) with me before. But for those that haven't. The important thing is.... relax. So take some deep breaths, and slowly exhale, clear your mind of all the hastles and such of the day.. This is your time.. OK.. deep breaths.. just let the tensions go..

Imagine, you are on a horse. Slowly riding through the meadows. All around you are flowers, bushes, tree's. Fresh air, and its so nice and warm with the sun shinning down.. Inhale deeply, and let it out slowly.. You can almost smell the fresh flowers. See the pretty colors. And as you relax, you spur the horse into a trot, feeling the breeze in your hair, feeling the exhiliration of being out in the open, no pain, no worries, just you, the horse and mother nature...

As you go along you see the squirrels scampering along, and hear the birds singing. And as you take another deep breath you feel a sense of peace, the tension is easing.. and oh how you wish you could fly... You urge your horse to go faster, and faster still. You are at a full gallop now, the wind rushing through your hair, brushing your face... And you close your eyes, and for a minute, just for a brief moment you feel as if you are flying...You take another breath, and as you slowly exhale you open your eyes again and realize that, in fact, you are flying..

Your horse has spread its wings, For it is truly a Pegasus instead. And you are soaring with the eagles. Up to the top of the mountain... In the clouds.. And as you reach the top of the mountain your Pegasus lands and you climb off for a look. As you look down on the village, and everything looks oh so small. You think again about your day, and realize... It really is all in the perspective of how we chose to view the things that happened to us this day. Just as up here everything looks so small, down there everything looks so big. And sometimes it takes getting away from it all to see the whole picture. And so, with a few more breaths, and as the sun is setting you climb back up on the Pegasus, and slowly he glides down to the village once more. And you dismount , a different person than when you left. Knowing that although your troubles are still there, and still needing your attention... that now, in a calmer frame of mind, you are able to deal with them.

What a perfect day yesterday was. The water lay perfectly still, giving the illusion of a mirror. The clouds reflecting off it's still sheen. The birds call one another, their cries echoing across teh lake. A blue Heron, suddenly startled, takes flight. Gracefully soaring above is a lone Eagle, looking for her next meal. A loon ahead of us adds his own beaty to the moment.

Two lines hang from the bridge, tempting the fish to bite. Looking down you can almost see the bottom and for as far as your eyes can see there are fingerlings. Baby perch and sun fish by the thousands, skimming to and fro. Curious about the dangling worms they nibble and push the lines to and fro. Watching, you can literally see their actions below and laugh at their antics. Suddenly the fingerlings disappear, and all we can see is a lone walleye lazily swimming by. Oblivious to our cries, " Come on baby, bite my hook!". With no more than a curious glance, he is gone and the fingerlings had returned.

A baby turtle swims toward shore. It seems so far away for such a little guy to try to swim. He would swim about a foot then pause, treading water as he takes in the sights and sounds of his new world, then he would continue his journey. We urge him on with all the gusto of the little engine that could. " We think you can, we think you can!" And the littel feller does.

Hundreds of dragonflies dot the sky, and the grass on the banks rustle as birds flit to and fro. Even if the larger fish weren't biting, heck even if no fish were bitingg, it was a perfect day to be at the lake.

Two friends enjoying the day together, wether it be talking, laughing or just the comfortable silence that only two friends can achieve. Memories being made, bonds of friendship being strengthened. Yes, all in all it was a perfect day.

I'm gonna miss you Steph! The house will certainly seem quieter with you gone. Thank you once more for taking time to come spend time with this convalescing friend. I'll never forget all you've done for me. Remember, the lights always on at Mim's house.

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