January 7, 1998.  As the date shows, we've started a new year.  So far this has been a mild winter;  there's a hardy pansy in the patio that is still in bloom.  The good news about our aides is:  there is no news.  Anne and Patty continue their excellent team work in taking very good care of mother.  The other good news is that the Packers continue to win as they head for the SUPER BOWL.  They are the overwhelming choice to repeat.  Mother's condition may change a bit for a day or two but then resumes the status of the past months.  With the constancy of aides she has been eating much better.

January 26, 1998.  The PACKERS lost!!!!!!  The Denver Broncos 31 Packers 24. The Packers were out played.  It seems they believed the sports writers hype about their superiority.  But that didn't squelch our tailgate party.  Diane, Dave and Eric were here to celebrate.  Laura's two boys were sick;  so, we missed them.  WAIT TILL NEXT YEAR!!!

February 7, 1998.  We just had a wonderful all-too-brief visit from Carole (Rowe) Phillips!  Of all the more than 200 waitresses we had at MLL Carole stood out.  Mother often said she wished she had a daughter like Carole.  Anyhow, having been out of touch for some 20 years, she called, came and we had a great reunion.  I told mother many times Carole was coming and she visited with mother briefly.  I don't know how much this meant to mother.  Because she can't express her feelings doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings.  Carole's visit would have made her feel very happy.  Hope she repeats the visit sometime in the future.

April 14, 1998.  Jerry left yesterday after about a three week stay.  I think he came mainly because after a number of weeks of a variety of unsuccessful chemotherapy treatments, Dr. Kjobech (with an input from Eric) initiated a monoclonal antibody treatment (Rituxan) that seemed to be effective and I took off for a few days.  I can only do that if Jerry is here to look after mother and run the house.  Everything went well during my absence.  Mother seems to be more and more withdrawn;  very little response to any stimuli.  With patience on the part of Anne and Patty she continues to eat well.  Of course, by the nature of the ailment tomorrow she may be very responsive;  I hope.  Dave and Diane are off on a visit to the Saints at Salt Lake City. Hope they had a good time.  Jerry speaks of coming to visit soon.  If he does I may take a couple of days to visit Gert and Elaine.

May 6, 1998.  Don't know if it's related to the Rituxan treatment but I came down with double pneumonia;  it's double ungood!  The big change in mother is her change in diet.  She will now be on a pureed diet.  This consists mostly of Gerbers baby food #3.

May 21, 1998.   The change in mother's diet didn't seem to produce a major change in her bowel movements.  She continues the pattern of being set on the commode twice a week.  That seems to work OK.

June 8, 1998.  A sad day in the care of mother;  Annie's aching back continues to get worse.  Lifting mother is almost impossible, so, after more than three years, she will take her Social Security and jobs that don't require lifting.  She will be missed, she was an excellent aide and a good friend.  The new aide is Renee.

July 15, 1998.  Renee is working out OK.  She is pleasant and has a warm, friendly manner with mother and works willingly.  There is very little change in mother's condition;  she is firmly on a plateau.  Even the change in diet seemed to have little effect.

August 13, 1998.  In retrospect the previous entry on Renee shows the uncertainty of hiring aides;  she has left.  Her brother (17 years old) died in strange circumstances and Renee was so upset she felt unable to come to work.  Maybe it's all for the better.  We have a new aide, Pat Russell, who seems to be better.  She is 52 and therefore more mature and has had nursing home experience.  We shall see.

October 23, 1998.  A difficult decision;  I made arrangements with Betts Funeral Home for what seems, more and more, to be an impending situation.  Mother will be cremated.  There will be no viewing or services.  I talked to each of our fine sons;  we are all in agreement.  It seems so easy to write this but it was days of wrenching decision making.  Once it was over I felt relieved and satisfied that the right decisions were made.

November 3, 1998.  In the intervening almost three months there has been a gradual change in mother's eating.  Increasingly, she is having difficulty in swallowing.  The aides are patient, encourage her, and mother visibly tries to swallow, but more and more frequently she is unable.  It is sad to see her try so hard without results.  More and more she is given water by means of cellulose swabs.  It is clear she enjoys the refreshing water (or other liquids) she gets in this manner.  She has lost considerable weight and has developed numerous pressure sores.  Dave points out these are developing because of lack of nutrition.  As a result of these increasing problems, Dave arranged for a visit by a nurse from the Hospice program.  I was impressed by their broad range of assistance and ease of access.  They are available seven days of the week and around the clock.  I signed on.  This is just one of an innumerable assists from Dave;  he's always on tap and always willing to help, whether in suggestions or in hands-on application.  It was great to have Dan here for a few days.  I hope mother sensed his presence; if so, it made her happy.  Nine years ago today we arrived from Medicine Lake Lodge!

November 10, 1998.  In the intervening week it has become clear that mother is at a crisis point.  The hospice nurses advise to take only comfort action, as increasingly she is unable to eat or even to swallow.  It appears she had another stroke this past week.  Both aides are incredible in their attention and care given to mother.  Patty even comes over in the evenings to make mother comfortable, and Pat increasingly sings to mother.

November 11, 1998.  This morning I awoke to a scene that is indelibly etched in my mind:  it was about 5:00 in the morning and still dark.  The hall light filtered into our bedroom and I could dimly see someone sitting at the head of mother's bed gently swabbing her lips and mouth with fresh water;  it was Jerry.  At the foot of her bed another person was massaging her feet;  it was David.  I'm sure mother felt this strong display of love.

At 7:00 in the evening David, who, as usual, was comforting his mother, came into the dining room where we were enjoying a basket dinner prepared by nurses from Dave's clinic and told us that mother had passed on.  I bent over, called her by name, told her I loved her and kissed her cheek.  I had the distinct feeling she was aware and pleased.  The death certificate listed cause of death:  starvation.  Sounds pretty grim.

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Many weeks later as I sat on a bench on the banks of the Columbia River watching the cirrus clouds wisp by, it came to me that the planet we live on is a closed system, and in the cremation process some vapors escape and are forever a part of our living space.

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