Some Funny Stuff

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Samuel Goldwyn, when told his son was getting married:
"Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man."

A hospital is no place to be sick. -- Samuel Goldwyn

Our comedies are not to be laughed at. -- Samuel Goldwyn

I can give you a definite perhaps. -- Samuel Goldwyn

Samuel Goldwyn, when told a script was full of old cliches:
"Let's have some new cliches."

Reporter: You say you've never made a picture before?
Samuel Goldwyn: Yes, but that's our strongest weak point.

Gentleman, include me out. -- Samuel Goldwyn

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on. -- Samuel Goldwyn

I can tell you in two words: im possible. -- Samuel Goldwyn

Samuel Goldwyn, on being told that a friend had named his son Sam, after him: "Why did you do that? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam!"

I paid too much for it, but its worth it. -- Samuel Goldwyn

Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you. -- Samuel Goldwyn

I read part of it all the way through. -- Samuel Goldwyn

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. -- Samuel Goldwyn

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. -- Samuel Goldwyn

Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue. -- Samuel Goldwyn

Samuel Goldwyn: What kind of dancing does Martha Graham do?
Associate: Modern dancing.
Samuel Goldwyn: I don't want her then, modern dancing is so old fashioned.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. -- Samuel Goldwyn

Bookkeeper: Mr. Goldwyn, our files are bulging with paperwork we no longer need. May I have your permission to destroy all records before 1945?
Goldwyn: Certainly. Just be sure to keep a copy of everything.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn

(On a film set of a tenement)
Goldwyn : Why is everything so dirty here?
Director : Because it's supposed to be a slum area.
Goldwyn : Well, this slum cost a lot of money. It should look better than an ordinary slum.

Gentlemen, listen to me slowly. -- Samuel Goldwyn

That's the trouble with directors -- always biting the hand that lays the golden egg. -- Samuel Goldwyn

Keep a stiff upper chin. -- Samuel Goldwyn

"...We have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the reservoir." -- Samuel Goldwyn

Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting. -- Samuel Goldwyn

Associate: It's to caustic for film.
Goldwyn : To heck with the cost, if it's a good story, I'll make it.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favorite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Famous Predictions .... By Experts

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." --Charles H. Duell, Office of Patents, 1899

"There will never be a bigger plane built."
--A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that carried ten people.

"Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality." -- Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.

"There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at will." -- Albert Einstein, 1932

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out." --Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.

"It will be years--not in my time--before a woman will become Prime Minister." -- Margaret Thatcher, 1974

"With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto industry isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market." -- Business Week, August 2, 1968

"Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, 1949

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

"This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union memo, 1876

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920's.

"Who wants to hear actors talk?" -- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." -- Gary Cooper, after turning down the lead role in Gone With The Wind.

"Market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of Mrs. Fields' Cookies

"We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet." -- Hewlett Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers instead.

"I think there's a world market for about five computers." -- Thomas J. Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.

"Airplanes are interesting toys, but they are of no military value whatsoever." -- Marechal Ferdinand Fock, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre

"Stocks have reached a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

"No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught napping." -- U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941

"While theoretically and technically television may be feasible, commercially and financially it is an impossibility." -- Lee DeForest, inventor

"Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax." -- William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English scientist, 1899

Clever Sayings?

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

. . .every morning is the dawn of a new error.

For people who like piece and quiet - - - a phoneless cord!

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Mental Floss prevents moral decay!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Be nice to your kids. . . they'll be the ones choosing your nursing home.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Did you ever stop to think. . . and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If at first you Don't succeed, parachuting is not for you!

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie". . . 'till you can find a rock!

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepath. . . you know where to apply.

Mechanic's slogan: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Dain bramaged.

Department of Redundancy Department.

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!

The Most Bizarre Suicide of 1994

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended." That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus."

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit of threatening his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her; therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus."

There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son (Ronald Opus) had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Air Head Fired

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Some Things to Think About

WHY ASK WHY?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

S'more Things to Think About

A tennis ball should always be served but not eaten.

A train has a habit of leaving its tracks behind.

The ocean is deepest at the bottom.

A pony with a cold is a little horse.

Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your children.

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? --- I don't know and I don't care!!

Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

A restaurant is a place in which, the tenderer the meat, the tougher it is to swallow the check.

The trouble with eating out is that the tables are reserved, but the diners aren't.