No moving parts, no batteries.
No monthly payments and no fees;
Inflation proof, non-taxable,
In fact, it's quite relaxable;
It can't be stolen, won't pollute,
One size fits all, do not dilute.
It uses little energy,
But yields results enormously.
Relieves your tension and your stress,
Invigorate your happiness;
Combats depression, makes you beam,
And elevates your self esteem!
Your circulation it corrects
Without unpleasant side effects
It is, I think, the perfect drug:
May I prescribe, my friend,... the hug!
(and, of course, fully returnable!)
All generalizations are false. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. I brake for no apparent reason. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? He who laughs last thinks slowest. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Born free...Taxed to death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
Why do irons have a setting for PERMANENT press?
Puns (Some are lame, don't blame me or it...)
Did you hear about the midget clairvoyant burglar that escaped from jail? The headlines in the newspaper read "Small Medium at Large"What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hareline.
Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meatgrinder? He got a little behind in his work.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
There were two ships...one had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned!
15 Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins
- Don't let worry kill you---let the Church help!
- Thursday Night--potluck supper. Prayer and meditation to follow.
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.
- The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will you please come early?
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- Deleted
- This being Easter Morning, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
- The service will close with "little Drops of Water." one of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
- Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
- Deleted
- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "what is Hell"? Come early and listen to our Choir practice!
There was a big flood out in Louisiana. This guy is standing in water up to his knees. A man comes by in a row boat and said, "Get in Mister!" The man in the water replies back..."No, but thanks anyway the Lord will take care of me."A few minutes later he is standing on his front porch, the water is now waist-high. Another man comes to him in a row boat. the man in the boat says, "Hey Mack...Climb on in here!" The man on the porch then replies, "No, but thanks...the Lord will take care of me." Now he is up on the roof and the water is almost to his neck. He spots a helicopter approaching him. A man with a megaphone hollars to the man onthe roof...Let us give you a lift to safety! The man on the roof says "No, but thanks...The Lord will take care of me."
Well, the man drowned. When he makes it to heaven he tells Peter at the Pearly Gates he wants a chat with the Lord. The Lord comes to talk with the man and the man says..."Lord, what happened? I counted on you saving my life!" The Lord replied, "Son I tried...I sent you two boats and a helicopter...what more did you want?"