Not a creature was stirring batter, not even a mouse;
(The cakes were already done, and mice don't bake.)
The stockings were hung by the chimney with hair,
(Whose, we don't know.)
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
(Maybe it was his toupee and they were hoping he wanted it bad enough to come back for it. The kids certainly weren't good enough for St. Nick.)
The children were nestled, all snug in their beds,
(Like the crunch bars?)
While visions of sugar plums danced in their heads;
(How'd they get in there in the first place?)
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
(He still sleeps with his mom? I always thought he was the dad. I guess not, from what I just heard.)
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,
(Did they take them out and wash them, like in the cartoons? Are we sure they HAD brains?)
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I wondered if something had spilled, like the batter.
(Or, what was left of it anyways.)
Away to the window I flew like Flash,
(He's so light-headed he can FLY! (No brain!) Oh, and who the hell is Flash?)
Tore up the shutters, and threw up the sash.
(He must be pretty strong to tear up shutters. Why'd he eat the sash anyways? He should have known it would make him sick.)
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
(I don't know, what?)
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer,
(Oh neat! Lawn ornaments! It must have fallen over, and that was what made the clatter. It was probably on the roof and fell on to the driveway.)
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
(He had energizer batteries.)
I knew in a moment, it must be St. Nick.
(Cheap plastic.)
More rapid than eagles, his coursets they came,
(They must not do much good.)
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
(He named his coursets?)
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
(That's how the book punctuated it. And why is one courset named "Prancer and Vixen?")
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on Donder and Blitzen!
(Three coursets on at one time. Will it help?)
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
(What a screwball!)
So up to the house-top his coursets they flew,
(Flying coursets?)
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then I said, "PUT MY LAWN ORNAMENT BACK RIGHT NOW YOU *BEEEEP*!"
And then, in a minute, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
(Energizer)
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
I hit my head and started howling like a hound.
St. Nick was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
(That must have been expensive. Maybe ST. Nick isn't a saint. Maybe he's a theif!)
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
(That's was he gets for going down the chimney, that moron.)
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a pawner, just opening his pack.
(We soon found that he was.)
His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
(As you can see, he was happy to be getting rid of the stolen stuff. As if WE wanted it!)
His drooling mouth was tied up with a bow,
And the beard of his chin was covered with snow.
(That was from falling off the roof.)
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
(We didn't ask where the rest was.)
He had a crown that encircled his head like a wreath;
(As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, it WAS a wreath.)
He had a broad face and a gigantic round belly,
That shook, when he moved, like a bowl full of jelly.
(I mean JELL-0.)
He was chubby and plump, you can count on that,
And I saw he was bald when he took off his hat.
With a grab of the toupee and a drop of the pack,
He was ready to take off, to leave, to make tracks.
And using his finger to wipe his snotty nose,
And giving a sniff, up the chimney he rose.
(He got all the soot on himself, and now our chimney is clean.)
He sprang to his sleigh and whistled to his team,
And then the moon gave off a gleam.
But I heard him exclaim, as he dove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
Then I screamed as he left, "Those *BEEEEP* Energizer Batteries!"