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Our Favorite Jokes
I laughed so hard when I first heard this and hope you do too! It takes a while to download, but is worth the wait.
Click here for The Man Song.
Fair is fair. Here's the opposing version.
Click here for The Woman Song.
Dilbert's Job Ad Phrases Defined 
Advancement opportunity = Crap job
Entry level = Really crap job
No experience necessary = The mother of all crap jobs
Administrative assistant = Crap job with a title
Ground floor opportunity = Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Progressive company = Employees get to wear jeans every Friday
Team player = Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities
Upbeat personality = Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year
Word processing skills essential = There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Public relations = Receptionist
Professional appearance important = $20,000 yr. job that requires a $100,000 yr. wardrobe
Pleasant telephone manner = Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME
Salary range $24,000 to $32,000 = The salary is $24,000
Jeans job! = Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions
Will train = Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem
B.A. required, Master's preferred = Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary
Civil service = This job was filled from the inside six months ago
Women & minorities encouraged to apply = White males need not waste the stamp
Outstanding benefits package = Health insurance
Tons of variety! = We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job
Top-notch communication skills = Telemarketing
Beautiful offices in attractive location = Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting
Secretary = Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker
Executive secretary = The most powerful position in the company
Dedicated = You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement
Salary commensurate = We'll pay you whatever the heck we feel like
Salary negotiable = We'll take the lowest bidder
Competitive salary = We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more
Competitive starting salary = Ten cents above minimum wage
Pleasant atmosphere = A staff of pod people
Professional atmosphere = Zombie pod people
Fun, creative atmosphere = Pod people from hell
Dynamic atmosphere = Zombie pod people from hell
Gal Friday = Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it
Self-starter = Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign
reading: "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hounddog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?". "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?". "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Two guys are approaching each other on the sidewalk and both are
dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one looks at the other knowingly, points to his right foot and says, "Land mine, Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb over his shoulder and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back, lookout."
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in
back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too." Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the
restaurant?". Herb says, "You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?". Sam says, "How about rose?".
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb; then he calls ahead to his wife. "Rose! Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?".
A boy that was being raised in a very religious family asked his
mother for a new bike. His mother said, "Son, we pray to Jesus when we want something really badly." So the son thought that praying wouldn't be enough, so he sat down and began to write Jesus a letter. "Dear Jesus, if I am good for a whole month, would you please send me a bike?". Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A month is a long time." So he tore that letter up and he began to write again. "Dear Jesus, if I am good for a whole week......" Then he sat there and thought to himself, "A week is a long time." So he tore that letter up and he began to write again. "Dear Jesus, if I am good for a whole day, would you please send me a bike?". Satisfied with this, the boy began to walk to the mailbox to mail the letter to Jesus. As he approached the mailbox, he looked at the envelope the letter was in and then he ... tore it to shreds. He ran home and took the statue of the Virgin Mary his grandmother
had given him off his dresser. He proceeded to wrap a shoelace
tightly around the small statue and place it in a shoebox. He then threw the shoebox into his closet and sat down and wrote another letter. "Dear Jesus, I have your mother!".
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music. He did anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and
said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"
HEAVENLY THOUGHTS: Three buddies die in a car crash and they go to heaven to orientation. They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?". The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor in my time and a great family man." The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a big difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say: "LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!".
Thanks to Chaia, Kares, MsHarley and Suzie for some of the jokes on this page. :-)
Here are my Netbabies from Sheriberry's Graphics.
  
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