Wednesday Sept. 2nd 1998

            Having just avoided celebrating my 46th birthday - It led me to wonder where the days had gone. This page is for me to account for my days through the coming year - it is publicly private - in other words I don't care who reads it as long as noone complains about what is said here.

            I intend to express my deepest thoughts - no holds barred.

            I'm spending more and more time thinking about old friends - Tommy Collins in particular. I was just on the net shopping for a CD with the song "New Cut Road" on it. I had it once by Bobby Bare but I can't seem to find it. The song includes a line I've been singin lately - a lot. Goes sumpin like this - "Daddy bought a wagon, pulled it up in the yard - said - Pack up your lives kids, she's gettin too hard..." I been feelin that way lately. Anyway as I was shopping I typed Tommy Collins in the search box and found his Bio and latest CD collection. I stopped what I was doing and wrote him a letter, not an email - a letter.

            Tommy has  been a close friend of mine since the time we spent together in Nashville, writing - sharing - getting to know each other... I miss him a lot - more than I can say here. He always understood my struggles with Faith and Trust in the Lord. He's gone through a lot of it in his life, and seeing how I'm going through it still, I had to write him, and that is what reminded me of wanting to write down a year of thoughts in my life.

            Call it a diary or journal or whatever - it is me, no apologies or attempts to sugar coat will be made or even considered. If I offend someone who stumbles onto it - just leave the page and get over it.

            I ordered Guy Clark's CD with "New Cut Road" on it - he wrote it - should be good - maybe it will help me pull the van up to the trailer and say, "Pack up your lives kids, she's gettin too hard."

Friday 9/04/98
 
            Been a tough week - Been rejected by two banks on our loan to re-build the station - had to go to court this mornin with Daniel - Daddy's words have been haunting me = "Boy! WHY?! did you name that kid Danny!!??" guess he knew sumpin I didn't - hmmm a father knowin somethin' - what a concept - the shoe is on my foot now. How in the world did my folks ever make it? Or did they? This was Daniel's 3rd time before the judge- I have to say hiz honor issa reasonable man, 'bout all I can say right now. Daniel is a good boy though and everyone knows it - he just gets caught. If I'd have got caught like he has - well I don't think I'd ever dug myself out.
Been enjoyin' talkin to Randy this week through e-mail, there may be hope for the kid yet - hehe. I sure love him. I don't know what it is I've been feeling lately - but I sure love and miss all my brother's and sisters... guess the home page has caused a yearning of sorts.
I'm down right now - hard to think straight let alone type... there is hope for a future here I know - I just can't see it - guess that's why they call it faith - believing what you can't see, and doubting what you can see... seems naturally backasswards, guess that's why it's a Spirit thang......

        God is goofy. My kinda guy....

09/09/98 03:15:19 PM

Been fightin the blues. I hate to write when i'm like this - but it's somethin I can't ignore or act like it's not real. Being in business reminds me of the Music business - guess it's all the same. I never could handle rejection - and I have too. Once again I am facing the old "We think your baby is ugly" deal. I put my best into something and it never seems to be good enough. It's downright depressing. The more people I show my dream to - the more it becomes a nightmare.
Randy really gave me some courage last week - was glad he called. I need more contact with people who realize what I'm trying to do here. Randy made me realize that I am trying to sell a vision - I am a man of vision - I have seen the new Texaco on this property - all I need is to find a man of vision to see the same thing I see and go for it.
Got the AT&T SBA Application ready to go to Denver next week. All it means is another start all over again - I'm tired of this and want to give up. How can I though?