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August 10, 1998

My Dearest Daddy,

Today is your birthday.. I wish I could have sent you a birthday card or called you. I wonder if every year I will remember Father's Day and your birthday so vividly. I wonder if it will hurt this badly always and I will cry into my pillow on these days forever.

On October 21, you will have been dead one whole year. It doesn't seem possible. The memories of that day at the hospital when they told us that we should remove your life supports seems like only yesterday. The pain is almost as fresh as that final day of your life.

When we got the call that you had had a heart attack, I thought the doctors could make everything alright again and you would be going home in a few days or weeks. I really didn't know you were so sick .... I wish I had realized it sooner.

There were so many things left unsaid ..... so many things that I should have done..so mny apologies to make ..... but I cannot do these things now.

So this letter to you will be ongoing and left out here in "cyberspace" for anyone surfing the web to read in hopes that it may make a difference in SOMEONE's life. In hopes that they will not make the mistakes I made by not telling their loved ones how much they love them .... before it's too late .... as it is for me.

Perhaps I am also hoping that somehow you, too, can find a way to read it and that these tears I'm crying now as I write this will ... somehow ... not be in vain. Perhaps it will only make ME feel better ... that I tried.

I had SO MANY things I needed to say "I'm sorry" for ..... like thinking for most of my life that you really didn't love me ..... like not making an effort to call or come to see you more often .....like making excuses for not coming to the family reunions each year that I KNEW were so important to you ..... I guess there will always be another "I'm sorry" that I realize I should have said.

I wish I knew why I felt that you didn't love me. It seemed that everything and everyone else was more important than me. Looking back, I should have known that you had your own life to lead .... that I was an adult and shouldn't have needed as much as I did. - but I DID need these things.

All my life I felt I was competing for your love .... with everyone .... and not receiving it. Was I selfish? Was it selfishness that made me feel left out and a "black sheep"? Was that why I did all the things I did to try to find "someone" to love me? Is that why I went thru men like clothing ..... trying to find the one that "fit" me best? Was I trying to find a "replacement" for the love I felt I didn't get from you? With four marriages and a string of other men in my life who used and took advantage of me, it seems that I would have learned after the first few .... but I didn't I thank the Lord that I finally found the one RIGHT man for me 5 years ago. He somehow fulfills that need I have inside to be loved ..... unconditionally. What a wonderful feeling!!!

Perhaps it is because I finally realized that you were not GOING to change ..... that it would always be the way it was between you and me. Or perhaps I was just tired ....... tired of feeling as if I was beating my head against a brick wall .... so I accepted it as it was.

It's strange though ..... when I stopped trying so hard, you started wanting to see and hear from me more. God has strange ways of doing things, doesn't he??

Unfortunately, I stopped making the effort when you probably needed me most ...... near the end of your life.

I was so tired of trying ..... so tired of feeling "not good enough"

If only I could go back ...... but I cant..so now I have to find a way to accept all of it.thats the hardest part of all.

When I was born, we were very poor by today's standards. I didn't care about that. When you opened your own business things got better. Living in that tiny town, I was the most "popular" girl in grade school. It felt good to be recognized. I was a cheerleader and your friend was the school principle. Things were good ..... until I got to high school. The "larger" town had other "most popular" girls ..... and I wasn't one of them. It was so difficult for me to be placed in that situation .... none of us had a choice in that, but I never did feel good about myself after that.

That's also when you and Mom started arguing so much and when you started to see "the other woman"

When you left with her, thankfully I was already out of high school. Unfortunately, my sister was still at home ... with the new baby sister.

We went thru so MUCH with Mom!! I dont know if you ever did realize how much she went thru before and after you left. It was MUCH more than any child should have to endure. She was on the verge of a nervous breakdown..and we could do NOTHING except listen. What a HELPLESS feeling that was!!! She lost weight until her bones were showing and we worried..about almost everything. We didnt want to lose BOTH of you, but at times we were afraid that might happen.

But .... anyhow ... we got thru it .... perhaps not perfectly (CERTAINLY not) .... but we "survived".

The quality of our lives changed dramatically after that. We couldn't understand how you could leave us and the 6-week-old sister behind ...... but you knew what was best .... I HAD to believe that or else I would not have been able to get thru it.

There were so many "why's ...... so MANY questions unanswered.

Nobody wanted to try to find you at that time .... did you know that? Nobody but me, that is. So I set out looking for you. It didn't take me long. I found you.

When I walked into that cafe and you saw me, you looked stunned. However, you also looked happy that I had taken the time and effort to look for you.

Ihad to talk my sister into trying to understand ..... to not hate you for leaving us. After many long talks and tears, she finally did.

Then what happened? You started to go visit her instead of me ... :-(
She hadn't wanted to ever see you again .... I did .... and I felt abandoned again by this as well.

What was WRONG with me? Why couldn't you see that?

I loved you more than ANYONE else did?!! So my pain escalated even more ..... and my relationships got worse.

When you found out I was pregnant and unmarried, you came to the apartment where I was living and when you saw my child's father leave without talking to you, you were SO ANGRY. I don't think I ever told you I ASKED him to leave so there wouldn't be a fight between the two of you. He WANTED to talk to you.it was my fault and not his that he left that day.

When my first baby was born, I felt even worse. Not only was I feeling unloved by you, I also felt like a tramp as well. It took me YEARS to get rid of that feeling.to accept that I really WAS just looking for someone to love me because I felt you didnt. It seemed that your "new family" had everything I DIDNT.

When my first marriage failed, I again felt like a failure. So ..... once again ..... I tried to find SOMEONE to love

Again I became pregnant and unmarried ...... and again for the third time within 13 months. Now I had 3 children out of wedlock. What a TRAMP I was in my mind!!!

But, Dad, I loved these men. Granted it was not a healthy relationship .... because I was trying to find someone to fulfill the need I had for YOUR love ..... and failed miserably!!

Naturally with the unhealthy lifestyle I was living, things went from bad to worse with every passing year. could find NOTHING and NOBODY to fill that need inside that was never satisfied ..... my father's love.

After my third marriage failed I finally realized it was time to DO SOMETHING about the pain and unfulfilled needs I had. So I went to counselling. I decided nobody was goping to do it for me and I couldnt function on a daily basis and was making one mistake after another and KNEW there had to be something better SOMEWHERE.so I set out to find it.

I would go into the counsellors office and cry as I talked about how I felt unloved and used and in constant competition for your attention and love. Then one day he finally said something that opened my eyes. I never did tell you what it was, but I will nownow that its too late. He said, "There are some people who dont have the capacity to truly love. When you find those people, feel sorry for them. Sometimes its even our own parents."

don't know why that opened my eyes, but it did. So I started to say to myself, "Dad may not be able to really love ANYONE. Guess I'd better just feel sorry for him and stop hurting myself over this.

That's the time when I started not seeing or talking to you as much anymore. It was a turning point for me, but not fair to you.

I found that if I stayed away and didn't try to get you to love me, I could find rewards in other things.

I started going to support groups (Adult Children),, read all the self-help books and listened to self-help tapes and videos (and cried while grieving the loss when something particularly emotional was discussed) and talked .... and talked .... and talked to anyone who woud listen to me.

When my children started getting out of hand and I had to send them to treatment centers, I had no help really. I had "the system" but I had to virtually do it alone. I could tell other people and family members what I was going thru.....but I had to DO it myself. That was a learning experience for me ..... and a "growing up" time, too ...... but it really HURT! !!

Now that my children have finally made it thru all that, I am not sorry I did it. I am only sorry that I had to do it alone. But thats the way it HAD to be in order for Gods plan to work for me.

After going thru all that and working on my VERY low self-esteem, my morals began to get a LITTLE better.

I refused to be taken advantage of by so many men and refused to settle for less than what I wanted AND what I FINALLY knew I deserved.

When I met my wonderful husband, I knew HE was what I wanted and God had sent him for me in reward for all my hard work.

You had met so MANY of my men friends that I was uncomfortable introducing him to you, but I did at the Christmas gathering in 1993. I could tell you figured this was just ONE MORE,but it wasnt. I told your sister that this was the man I was going to marry (even before we got engaged) and that I knew he was the right man .... finally!! She asked me if I'd told you yet. I said, "No. He'd just think it was like all the rest." But he wasnt and you came to really like him after we were married. I remember thinking, "FINALLY I found someone Dad approves of, too!" Why was it so important to me? Because those old feelings of wanting to please my Daddy can never COMPLETELY leave, but I knew I could accept it if you didn't approve. Thats what the counselling and hard word was all about..THAT was the payoff.

He thought a lot of you, too. He told me so on many occasions.

When your life supports were to be removed, he was there with me. I HAD to watch them remove them .... just to be certain that you wouldn't take another breath. When you didn't I cried harder and hurt more than ANY of the other tragedies in my life.

I will always wonder if you heard me tell you all the thngs I was sorry for .... all the things I had not told you when you were alive. It was as if it was SAFE to do it then .... that I HAD to say them. I hope you did hear me because I meant them.

After I said my "Goodbyes", my husband went into your room where you were laying ..... cold and still ...

He had not yet broken down. He felt he had to be strong for me, I'm sure ..... because he loves me.

I stood outside the room where he was with you .... and I heard him say in a voice FILLED with pain, "Ohhhh, (your name)!!!!! He cried for a few minutes then came back out, visibly shaken but composed .... and was again my strength. He didn't cry again until the funeral.

When everyone had left the church at the funeral except a few family members, I said my FINAL goodbye to you ..... knowing that casket lid would be closed and I would never again see your face or be able to talk to you except in spirit and at your gravesite. My wonderful husband was at my side every step of the way.

When I said, 'Goodbye, Daddy. I'll see you one of these days", my husband had to CHOKE back the tears. I knew what he was thinking ..... One day I will be where you were right then and HE would be saying goodbye to ME ..... unless he died first then I would be saying goodbye to HIM. Either way, it was still "Goodbye". He also knew how much I was hurting.

I'm sure there were people at the funeral who thought I was being too vocal with my crying. Some may have thought I was putting on, but I wasnt. The pain and gried was so overwhelming that I could not control it. They will have to think what they will. This was the LAST time I would ever see my Daddy and it was my grief and emotions I was having to deal with, not what anyone thought. Knowing there was so much left unsaid..so much left undone.that could never be taken care of now. Everyone has their own way of coping with such things. This was mine.

After your funeral, I went home feeling numb .... in disbelief that your life was over. I cried the rest of the day and into night. I had to keep reminding myself that our bodies are just the vessels for our souls and that you did not feel the cold or rain or heat .....

Each day a new memory .... and regret .... arose within my mind. Each day I would cry for the lost time, hurt feelings and pain that we all had to endure during our lifetimes and worked hard to find a way to cope with it.

 
Just when I'd think I had worked thru it, something else would come up. Your wife brought a few things to us that she thought we would want or that she didn't want. Unfortunately, the things that meant the most to us were not offered. I did ask for a few things and got most of them, but the things that had been passed down thru our family for years were not given.

It hurt a lot to know that those things would be lost to our family forever. OH, how I WISH you had left a will. Then we would have known what your wishes were .... but you didn't because you thought she would be fair. If we only knew that when she dies they would be given to the family, it would be OK ..... but we won't know and they will probably go to her family instead. Doesn't that seem unfair? It does to me.

She said after you died that your family never did accept her. Did she REALLY feel we shoud have? She took you away from us. While it's true you left with her by your own choice, if she had not been willing to go with you, you would probably have stayed with us ......

Knowing you were unhappy with us didn't help. Knowing that you and Mom fought all the time and were unhappy didn't help ..... all we knew was that Daddy wouldn't be there anymore ..... and she left with you.

Our family got good at PRETENDING things were OK .... but they never were .... especially after that.

We pretended to enjoy the times we spent with you when she was around .... yet YEARNING to have some time alone with you. There were only a very few times when we saw you without her around. We were told that you wanted to come to our houses, but she would say, "We don't have time to go there ........ yet there was plenty of time to go see HER daughter ..... and go on trips to casinos and visit HER family and the family members on your side that SHE liked ..... perhaps if you had set your foot down, we might have "accepted" her a little better ...... but again, that's in the past and cannot be changed now .... only "accepted".

I thought mygrieving was getting better ...... it was ...... but not over.
Every Father's Day and birthday you were alive and gone from us I would send you a card and usually call when you were alive.

My first Father's Day without you was not easy. I made it thru most of the day alright because we were traveling to a new job location ... going home for a few days then to the next town.

I got to Louisville, KY and had the radio on. They played a song I had never heard before ........ Daddy, Can You See Me Now? ....... It was about a woman who had lost her father and she had tried so hard all her life to get her daddy to be proud of her ..... and she had finally done some things she was proud of and she was asking in the song, "Daddy, can you see me now?" hoping that he would finally see that she had MADE something of her life.

I cried so hard I needed to pull off the side of the road until the tears stopped. It hit my right where I lived. I've never heard it again, but I will find that song somehow ..... I don't even know who sung it, but it will forever be my favorite. (2000 - I DID find it.)

It's strange, ;how we wait until AFTER we lose those we love to realize just how MUCH they meant to us ..... it's true for me, too, as it is for probably most everyone who has lost a family member.

I guess that's about all

have to say for now, Daddy.

When I am hurting again or miss you in a different way ..... or just have something else I want to say to you or share with you, I'll come back here and talk to you some more.

I have wished almost every day that you would come to me in a dream or that I could see your image somehow ..... and know if you went to Heaven as I prayed you would. I'm so glad I got to ask you if you had asked God's forgiveness before you died. You said you had not. I only wish I could have asked you again and you had told me that you HAD prayed that prayer ....... I'll never know now until I die and get to see you again. It's as though I feel your presence with me ..... especially when I am worried about something.

You see, I believe in Angels and I think God DID accept you into Heaven and your Spirit is somehow around me at times.

That's what helps me to know that you are alright now ..... asleep in the gentle arms of Our Heavenly Father ..... and FINALLY, at rest and not scared or hurting anymore. I knew you were afraid of dying and that you were scared. The VERY LAST words I ever heard you say were to the doctor when they were taking you in for surgery. You said, "I dont care to tell you, Doc, Im scared.".then you were gone.

Forgive me, Daddy, but when I went to the hospital chapel after your surgery and after they called the FIRST Code Blue, I prayed that if you only had a little while to live that He take you Home with him because I didnt want you to have to go thru the fear again if you only had a short time filled with pain and fear to live so I feel He DID take you for that reason. Perhaps I am wrong I'll never know.

I love you, Daddy ..... I wish I'd told you that when you were alive ............

 Your Oldest daughter

(Thanksgiving Day 2002) I'm once again missing you, Daddy. I look at your pictures on the wall and in albums and long to see you and talk to you again. A lot of the anger is gone from the above writing and much more of the good things remain. I think of the good things and the way you would laugh at some of the silliest things and how you laughed ALL OVER. We didn't always appreciate the laughter because we were sometimes the brunt of the joke, but that was just YOU. I was in Oklahoma talking to your sister's girls and we were talking about you. They said they had always thought you were a wonderful person and so kind. That somehow opened my eyes to a lot of things and made me appreciate you even more. Many times I didn't see you that way....when you were alive....but I do now. We often wish for things that are not good for us. I have done that many times, but now that I am in my 50's I appreciate my family more and more. I wish you were here to se that my children are just pretty darn good kids....now that they are grown and have children of their own. I miss our Christmas gatherings and there is a missing part because you are not there. Mom is getting older and we know that one day we will lose her, too. That thought is almost unbearable for all of us, but we know that time is sooner than we would like to think. Her hair is almost completely gray and she is looking older.

I forgot to tell you in the letter above that when we came back from your funeral and she had kissed you while you were cold and lifeless in your casket that she and I were talking. I told her I knew she still loved you and that you also always loved her. She started to cry and said, "Yes, I loved him. I couldn't help it, but we could not get along." I took a lock of your hair and seeing the wave reminds me of that little string of hair that often fell in your eyes and you would brush it away.

I'd better stop writing. I'm cring again and I would rather remember the good times now. They are MUCH more prevalent than the bad ones. I guess that's the way it is meant to be..... March 25, 2004: The bad memories seem like they never existed now and I only remember the good ones. Funny how time (and God, probably, too) has a hand in that. When I think about all of it now I have to wonder why things were as there. Why I couldn't see then what I see NOW!

The older I get and the older my kids get makes me wish I COULD go back and change things. There are SO many things I'd do different....IF I could.....

I love you, Daddy.

Your Oldest Daughter.

I hope this has helped someone to realize they are not alone..that we DO get thru the pain and loss after awhile. I STILL cry (in fact Im crying now as I re-read this in the year 2004, but we CAN survive.