If these girls are truly bitches, then right now you are reading Newsweek. And this evening that B. Brady, Mike Crawford, and I spent with these ladies was by no means heavy. No, in fact, these women won a special place in the hearts of all those here at Thora-Zine.

I guess when the popular media covers a band from Seattle, it's customary to drill them on any sort of heavy subject that would go to perpetuate the city's infamous reputation. That's the kind of ho-hum mainstream bathroom-wall prose you get from those other media rags. We don't go that way. So I'll begin by discussing their recent return from Hawaii...

And while Helios Creed is spending his days in the Hawaiian Islands, surfing and what not, the newlywed Selene (and the other Bitches) was hiking and honeymooning with her new ex-Emonian husband, Brian. All this "... and the shows were cool, too... I definitely want to go back." ...Band de Solei for that San Tropez tan, eh Selene?

Some people may be reminded of the time Greg hitting his head on that rock because of that Taboo Bobby found. Tiny bubbles, ukeleles, poi, leis, etc. Let's not forget that Hawaii offers more than just Don Ho and Brady Bunch reruns. But I digress.

I hate fractions, but what about the other 3/4 of 7 Year Bitch?

Well, for starters, drummer Valerie has been very busy working with Home Alive. It is a project she started last summer, after one of their friends was murdered. It helps to teach self-defense to women, free-of-charge. "...because so many people are getting murdered and killed and raped and stabbed and beat up up here it's insane," says Selene.

And Elizabeth, the 7 Year Bassist, has been waking up with Jaegermeister in her hair. In fact, she's starting a new line of hair products especially for women made entirely of consumable alcoholic beverages. This personable young lady is described in her bio as someone who'll "drink a beer with anybody and like it." To that, she says "Bring on the freaks! You! Baby-killer pedifile! Come on, let's have a beer!" Tell you what, Liz, I'll be your publicist. I can paint a pretty picture for all the world to see. I'll weed out the riff-raff.

And last but not least, my personal favorite: Roisin. This adorable little booger bear has apparently been playing a little golf in her spare time. When Elizabeth overheard us, she was like, "That's so weird... To me, the only good thing about golfing would be riding around in the golf cart."

The real question is: Do you cheat, Roisin?

"Oh, I totally cheat. I'll kick the ball, I'll throw the golfball." ...That's exactly the qualities I'm looking for in a woman. I'll pick you up at eight.

The most provocative quote I could pull out of context for you readers would be by Roisin: "I only do `short nines.'" But I think she was still talking about golf.

The interview was cut short because me and the boys at T/Z (aka 'The T/Z Posse') had a party to go to. Elizabeth and Roisin wanted to go, too, so we all hopped into my Chevrolet Bucket and were off. Roisin belittled me by asking, "What time do you have to have your mom's car back?" Oh, young little Roisin, those little comments are so very unnecessary. As long as I'm home before midnight, my mom doesn't care.

The party was for this guy, Wally. It was his 55th birthday and there were more people under the age of 30 than you would expect to find at a party of this nature. As everyone feasted on animal flesh, alcohol, and Seattle Hydroponic, showtime came upon us rather suddenly.

As we left the party, an over-zealous fan recognized the girls and yelled rather ridiculously, "Seven Year Bitch!" I'm not sure what he hoped to accomplish by this statement, but he certainly wasn't half as cool as me and the other guys here at T/Z. We were truly the Mack Daddies of Austin that evening.

My most vivid memory of the lovely Roisin is of her banging her head to ZZ Top in the front seat of my Chevy Bucket. I was more than impressed to see her fine taste in El Rock Musica Classico. ...A-HOW-HOW-HOW-HOW...

So, now the band is stepping up to the majors. After the end of their contract with C/Z Records in 1994, The Bitch is looking at a 2 record deal with Atlantic. They seem to like the people there and supposedly, they're real easy to talk to. After successful tours with Loudspeaker and Alice Donut (which you would be well-advised to attend any of the dates), they're going to start writing some songs. Then, they will be whisked away on a short tour after winter, maybe to Europe, with champagne dreams and caviar wishes and a chance to play the new material. Then, these ladies are back in the studio recording for their new record company.

Fans of 7YB can also expect to see them performing in a couple of upcoming movies. One stars Drew Barrymore and it's called "Mad Love." Apparently, the filmmakers selected 7YB over Gas Huffer to be in this movie. Our lovely young ladies on the silver screen? That's right fellas, quit drooling. But don't expect to see much more than a live performance. They don't have any lines in these features. Plug two.

Any bands we should be looking out for, Selene? "The Presidents of the United States..." She says she likes their lyrics and finds their show very entertaining. She also [unofficially] endorses her buddies in Monroe's Fur and Steel Wool. We also asked Selene what IFA stands for. "I'll fight anyone..." And Pete's gonna take a full-page color ad out, huh? "Yeah, sure... I guess."

So, I guess you have now been updated on these lasses, but there is just one thing left to mention. I asked Selene about an INFERIOR "THOROZINE" (do not be alarmed, readers) in Seattle, our arch nemesis, which seems to ignore the fact that we're even around and continues to publish under the similar name. "It's like a Kinko-made fanzine," she said. Apparently, they review the local bands in the NW US area. Selene goes on, "It just seems like somebody should have this name, but not both of you." I asked her what it would be like if there was a 7 Year "Butch" or a band with a similarly spelled name. She responded rather convincingly with, "Yeah, I'd say, `Change your name, godammit! Fuck you, that's our name!'"

Yes, Selene, maybe we'll armwrestle them or something.

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