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Go back to SuperSamSoniac's Funny,Gross Texts and Stories> >>>>What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball > >>>>ananlogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are > >>>>more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the > >>>>interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the > >>>>complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we > >>>>present the Standardized Guide to the Bases. > >>>> > >>>> First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the > >>>>old days. > >>>> > >>>> -- First Base-- > >>>>This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it > >>>>meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes > >>>>not. > >>>> --Second Base-- > >>>>Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the > >>>>clothes genital contact. > >>>> > >>>> --Third Base-- > >>>>Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner. > >>>> > >>>> --Home Run-- > >>>>This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times > >>>>when you had to refer to it in terms of bases. > >>>> > >>>> Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a > >>>>repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and > >>>>new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the > >>>>exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling > >>>>questions and present without further ado... > >>>> > >>>> Standardized Guide to the Bases! > >>>> > >>>>--On Deck-- > >>>>Having plans for a date > >>>> > >>>>--Strike-Out-- > >>>>Duh!! > >>>> > >>>>--Walk-- > >>>>Kissing > >>>> > >>>>--Bunt-- > >>>>Masturbation > >>>> > >>>>--Single-- > >>>>Tongue kissing > >>>> > >>>>--Double-- > >>>>Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels > >>>> > >>>>--Triple-- > >>>>Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation > >>>> > >>>>--Inside the park home run-- > >>>>Oral Sex > >>>> > >>>>--Home Run-- > >>>>SEX! > >>>> > >>>>--Ground Rule Double-- > >>>>would have sex, but no condom > >>>> > >>>>--Error-- > >>>>Condom breaks during sex > >>>> > >>>>--Banned for life for gambling-- > >>>>sex without condom > >>>> > >>>>--Hall of Fame-- > >>>>Marriage > >>>> > >>>> Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to > >>>>better explain all the things that can happen now a days. > >>>> > >>>>--Balk-- Premature ejaculation > >>>>--Pine Tar-- KY jelly > >>>>--Relief pitcher-- Vibrator > >>>>--Rain Delay-- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly > >>>>--Box Seats-- Waterbed > >>>>--Seventh Inning Stretch-- Unusual positions > >>>>--Rookie-- Virgin > >>>>--Minor Leagues-- Under 18 > >>>>--Loaded Bases-- manage a trois > >>>>--Grand Slam-- Sex four times in twelve hours > >>>>--Foul tip-- VD > >>>>--Three up and three down-- impotency > >>>> > >>>> Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old > >>>>confusion with current clarity. > >>>> > >>>> OLD WAY- "We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got > >>>> like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her. > >>>> > >>>> NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park > >>>> home run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time. > >>>> > >>>> NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I > >>>> balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a > >>>> relief pitcher. > >>>> > >>>> Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the > >>>> confusion and helps you out... > >>>>To unsubscribe, send e-mail to majordomo@world.std.com, with text: > >>>> unsubscribe lotd > >>>> > >>>>For more information about Laugh Of The Day or LaughWEB, send email to: > >>>> joeshmoe@world.std.com > >>>>with a SUBJECT header of: > >>>> info laugh > >>>> > >>>>The URL of today's laugh: > >>>> http://www.misty.com/laughweb/gender/last.thing.would.say > >>>>************************************************************************** > >>>>Warning - Material contained in this document might be considered > >>>>offensive. > >>>>Please read our disclaime > >http://www.misty.com/laughweb/laughweb.disclaimer) > >>>>************************************************************************** > >>>> > >>>> > >>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< > >>><><> > >>> > >>>> > >>>> "The only good is knowledge > >>>> and the only evil is ignorance" > >>>> Socrates > >>>> > >>>> > >>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>< > >>><><> > >>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>>Peter Geiger > >>>>pgeiger@seraph1.sewanee.edu > >>>>St. Andrew's-Sewanee School TN > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>30 THINGS TO DO ON AN EXAM WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL > >>>>>>>>IT ANYWAYS! > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, > >I've got > >>>>>>>>the secret documents!!" > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, > >>>>>>>>debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell > >>>>>>>>out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start > >>>>>>>>talking about what a jerk the instructor is. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to > >>>>>>>>answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this > >question > >>>>>>>>on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be > >>>>>>>>creative. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a > >sigh > >>>>>>>>of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to > >>>>>>>>leave the country" and run off. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into > >>>>very > >>>>>>>>small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry > >Christmas." > >>>>>>>>If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you > >>>>>>>>lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on > >>>>your > >>>>>>>>head, and nothing else. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>8. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. > >>>>>>>>Be as vulgar as possible. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not > >>>>looking. > >>>>>>>>Blame it on the person nearest to you. > > > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another > >>>>>>>>seat, continue with the exam. > >>>> > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, > >start > >>>>>>>>commenting on how easy it was. > >>>> > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down > >>>>violently, > >>>>>>>>scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly. > > > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the > >>>>>>>>instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all > >>>>leaving > >>>>>>>>after one hour to go drink.) > > > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>15. Show up completlely drunk (completely drunk means at some point > >>>>>>>>during the exam, you should start crying for mommy). > >>>> > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, > >>>>put > >>>>>>>>on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the > > > >>>>>>>>opera" until they drag you away. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>18. If the exam is math/sciencs related, make up the longest proofs > >>>>>>>>you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into > >>>>most > >>>>>>>>equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your > >own > >>>>>>>>life story. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to > >>>>>>>>you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, > >>>>>>>>chairs, anything you can reach. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 > >rice > >>>>>>>>cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if > > > >>>>>>>>necessary. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>24. Masturbate. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, > >loudly say > >>>>>>>>to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to > >>>> > >>>>>>>>every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the > >>>>hell > >>>>>>>>are you? Where's the regular guy?" > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, > >>>>>>>>make one up! > >>>> > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and > >>>>>>>>answers completely blacked out. > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks > >>>>>>>>why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that > >>>> > >>>>>>>>goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. > >>>>>>>>DUH!" > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. > >>>>>>>>Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they > >>>>finally > >>>>>>>>get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme > >to the > >>>>>>>>Bridge on the River Kwai. > >>>> > >>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any > >>>>>>>>question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her. > >>>>> > >>>>> > >>>>> > >>>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> > >>>> 50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator > >>>> > >>>> by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu > >>>> > >>>> > >>>>1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. > >>>>2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other > >>>> passengers. > >>>>3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, > >>>> dammit, all of you just shut UP!" > >>>>4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. > >>>>5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. > >>>>6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the > >>>>elevator. > >>>>7. Shave. > >>>>8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got > >>>> enough air in there?" > >>>>9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours > >>>> upside-down. > >>>>10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without > >>>> getting off. > >>>>11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, > >>>> then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. > >>>>12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" > >>>>13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask > >>>> them to call you Admiral. > >>>>14. One word: Flatulence! > >>>>15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open > >>>> until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the > >>>> bottom. > >>>>16. Do Tai Chi exercises. > >>>>17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: > >>>> "I've got new socks on!" > >>>>18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, > >>>> damn motion sickness!" > >>>>19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. > >>>>20. Meow occassionally. > >>>>21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. > >>>>22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" > >>>>23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. > >>>>24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. > >>>>25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. > >>>>26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. > >>>>27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of > >>>> THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. > >>>>28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" > >>>>29. Leave a box between the doors. > >>>>30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. > >>>>31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. > >>>>32. Start a sing-along. > >>>>33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" > >>>>34. Play the harmonica. > >>>>35. Shadow box. > >>>>36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. > >>>>37. Lean against the button panel. > >>>>38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. > >>>>39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. > >>>>40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other > >>>> passengers that this is your "personal space." > >>>>41. Bring a chair along. > >>>>42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in > >>>> muh mouf?" > >>>>43. Blow spit bubbles. > >>>>44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. > >>>>45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." > >>>>46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. > >>>>47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. > >>>>48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. > >>>>49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." > >>>>50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" > >>>> > >>>> > >>>>Pass it on! I don't know how I got it, but I think it's hilarious.
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