A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi".
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!
- Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis.
- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.
- Stop kicking Mypenis.
- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.
- Mypenis is truly man's best friend.
- Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease.
- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.
- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.
- There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.
- I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.
- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
- Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis.
- Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night...
In honor of National Condom Week, our little friend "Robbie Rubber" provides us with the following advice:
If your hose is too short, or your pump is too weak, you had better stand close, or you'll piss on your feet.
Flush twice, it's a long way to the cafeteria.
I think, therefore I aim.
If it's yellow - let it mellow. If it's brown - flush it down.
The future is in your hands.
(above a toilet paper roll): UCLA diplomas, take one.
Any asshole can piss on the floor: Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.
One day, a young man decided to go out and pick up a few girls. After a few beers, he decided to try something different this time, so he went out looking for some old women. Finally he found a well-aged grandmother on the streets, and he took her home to give her a little action. While he was sucking on her breasts, some white stuff starting coming out from her nipple. The man was shocked. He asked, "Lady, ain't you kinda old to be giving milk?" The old lady responded, "I may be too old to give milk, but I'm not too old to have breast cancer!"
A state trooper pulls over an incredibly gorgeous blond for speeding. When he goes up to question her, he asks for her driver's license. The blond replies, "What're one of those??" The trooper answered, "You know, one of those little cards that says you can drive." The blond's face lit up and she squeaked, "Oh! I have one of those! Lemme get it." The trooper looks around the highway and then takes the blond's license. After inspecting it, he hands it back to her, takes another look arounf, and then unzips his pants. The blond moans and says, "Oh no! Not ANOTHER breathilizer test!"
Once apon a time there were three men: an Irish guy, a
Jewish guy, and a Greek guy. Somehow, they were walking in the street and they
got into an accident
and they all died. In heaven, they met with God and begged him to let them
return to earth and live again. They all promised to stop bad habits and do
good deeds forever. God finally consented and let them live again but only on
one condition each. He said to the Irish guy, "You, I don't want you drinking
anymore." To the Jewish guy he said, "You, I don't want you grubbing for money
any more." Finally, he said to the Greek guy, "You, I don't want you touching
men ever again(if you get what I mean...)." The three guys agreed and they
were all allowed to return to earth.
While they were walking along, the Irish guy saw a bar and said, "Oh man, I
have to get a drink." The other two begged him not to drink and finally they
convinced him to pass up the opportunity. Then he saw another bar and had to
drink something so he went inside and ordered a drink. When he brought the cup
to his lips, "Poof!", and the Irish guy disappeared.
Shocked, the other two stumbled out of the bar and began their way down the
street.
Then the Jewish guy saw a twenty dollar bill in the street and couldn't resist
the temptation and when he bent over to pick it up, "Poof!", the Greek guy was
gone...
Three guys all went to heaven after dying and went to see St.
Peter before they entered heaven. "Now in heaven you all need cars to drive.
The type of car
you get depends on the number of times you've had sex in your life." St. Peter
asked. The first guy responded, "Oh man, I've had sex so many times in my
life, I can't even remember." So St. Peter gave him a Yugo. The second guy
thought for a moment and then spoke up. "I've had sex 54 times in my life."
So St. Peter gave him a Toyota. Then the third guy stood up proudly and said,
"I've only had sex once, on my honeymoon." So St. Peter gave him a
Mercedes.
After several days in heaven, the first two guys see that the third guy had
gotten into a car accident. They rushed to the hospital to find him in
hysterics. He was cracking up and spitted out the words, "I....I....I
saw...Pope John Paul...on roller skates!!!"
Three guys all went to heaven after dying and went to see St. Peter before they
entered heaven. "Now in heaven, you all need cars to drive. The type of car
you get depends on the number of times you've cheated on your wife." said St.
Peter. The first guy got up and thought for a moment, and responded, "I've
cheated on my wife so many times, I can't even remember." So St. Peter gave
him a Yugo. The second guy got up, counted on his fingers, and then said,
"I've cheated on her 54 times." St. Peter gave him a Toyota. Then the third
guy got up and said, "I've only cheated on my wife once." So St. Peter gave
him a Mercedes.
After several days in heaven, the first two guys heard that the third guy had
gotten into an accident, and went to the hospital. They rushed to the hospital
to find him in hysterics. Screaming, he sputtered out, "I...I...I saw...my
wife...on roller skates!!!"
Clean Shit--The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Shit--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin your pants with a stain.
Second Wave--It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Shit--The kind where you strain so much you practically have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Shit--You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Shit--The kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Shit--It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Shit--Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit Shit--The kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Shit--That's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheek Shit(The Power Dump!)--The kind that comes out of your butt so fast your cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Shit--The kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
Mexican Food Shit--It smells so bad the room must be condemned.
Upper Class Shit--The kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell.
Fisherman's Bobber Shit--The kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two times, but several golf ball size pieces are still floating at the water line.
Ambush Shit--The kind that never happens at home, but usually at a party or while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart--just a little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for the rest of the day.
Drunken Shit--The kind you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Champagne Shit--You're so constipated that by the time the cork blows, a bubbly liquid streams from your ass.
Kling-On Shit--The kind where, when you go to wipe it, it's there waiting on the edge.
Blow Out Shit--The shit that's proceeded by a fart so vicious, you have to check the bowl afterwards to make sure there are no cracks.
Exorcist Shit--The kind where yellowish-brownish liquid shoots out of your ass and burns your ass while it splatters all over the toilet. (See Liquid Shit)
Peek-A-Boo Shit--It comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes back out, goes back in, etc.
Pregnancy Shit--The kind where you're really backed up and it makes you grunt and wheeze for a long while until it finally splits your crack in a child bearing fashion.(See Pop a Vein Shit, Spinal Tap Shit)
Rabbit Shit--It comes in cute, round portions, but there loads of it about. Actually, you're never really finished, but stop at some point from boredom.
Alphabet Shit--It comes leisurely, with one or a few breakaways, and when you look at it you think: "Doesn't that just look like the letter ...?"
Feminist Shit--No matter what it looks like or how it comes out, it's a man's fault.
Blowtorch Shit--Shit that burns your ass so much, you'd swear that it's flammable. (usually occurs morning after eating WAY too much spicy food)
Dual Density Shit--The kind where some shit floats and some shit sinks to the bottom of the bowl.
Ribbon Shit--A semiliquid fecal matter that is too thin to be a Lincoln Log Shit but not runny enough to be a Liquid Shit. Rather, it looks like a 1 inch wide piece of brownish fettuccine, with some specks of color.
The Public Shit--Shit that reminds your senses of the warm, moist stench that embraces you when you enter a less than sanitary public restroom.
Little Boy Shit--Shit powerful enough to level a small city.
Flood Shit--You shit so much that it acts like a huge sandbag and ends up flooding your bowl and running out all over the place, leaving you to clean up a brown,pasty mess. (Add a bonus point if John Mellencamp does a relief concert to help cleanup efforts)
Dream Shit--When you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days, this is the shit that you'll be dreaming about.
Concrete Shit--This is what you'll drop after you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days.
Surgery Shit--After the Concrete shit, you'll have to go into surgery because your ass is torn apart so badly.
The Back Seat Fart--This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?
The Barred Owl Fart--A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.
The Biggest Fart in the World Fart--Needs no explanation. All it is is one thunderous noise that sustains for several seconds. Quite noticable by anyone within half a mile.
The Bullet Fart--It's single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
The Command Fart--This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.
The Common Fart--This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.
The Cushioned Fart--A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.
The Dud Fart--The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is stricly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
The Echo Fart--This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.
The G and L Fart--This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
The Ghost Fart--A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
The Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart--This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.
The Jerk Fart--The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
The John Fart--The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
The Lead Fart--The heaviets of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. "What was that?" you might think. And never guess.
The Malted Milk Ball Fart--Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.
The Oh My God Fart--This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh s**t, which would be understandable.
The Omen Fart--This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
The Organic Fart--Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
The Quiver Fart--A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
The Rambling Phakuda Fart--You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
The Relief Fart--Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.
The Reluctant Fart--This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
The Rusty Gate Fart--The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
The S.B.D. Fart--S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.
The Sandpaper Fart--This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
The Skillsaw Fart--A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
The Sonic Boom Fart--The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
The Splatter Fart--Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
The Stutter Fart--If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
The Taco Bell Fart--The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.
The Teflon Fart--Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.
The Thank God I'm Alone Fart--Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out of there.
The Tickle Fart--A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.
REMOVING CLOTHES:
With partner's consent.........12
Without partner's consent.....187
UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands............7
Using one trembling hand.......36
Using teeth....................52
->Edible BRA............(gain)100
Lifting partner................15
Dragging partner on floor......16
Using skateboard................3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man........2.5
Losing erection................14
Searching for it..............115
PUTTING ON CONDOM:
With erection.................1.5
Without erection..............300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is
->Experienced...................6
->Inexperienced................73
If a man does it..............680
Add 5 calories for retrieving
it from across the room.
ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian- Man on top, Woman in kitchen......................26
Russian- Woman on bottom, Man getting permission.......55
American- Both on top..........60
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE:
Bouncing........................7
Sliding around..................9
Serious skidding...............12
Whiplash.......................27
ORGASM:
Real...........................27
Faked.........................160
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off.................35
Expression didn't change......1/2
Orchestra swelled...............6
Birds sang
->Large birds...................7
->Small birds....... ...........3
Earth moved....................30
PULLING OUT:
After orgasm..................1/2
A moment before orgasm........500
PENIS ENVY:
For woman.......................3
For men........................72
GUILT:
Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily............53
You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are
starving........................2
Sex on your lunch hour..........3
Putting it on expense account..20
AGGRAVATION:
Partner keeps showing plants....5
Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay............14
Partner watching television ....0 (often considered normal)
Partner visiting bathroom for the 7th time.......................10
Partner taking phone calls......7
Partner making phone calls.....40
GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse............60
By your spouse................100
Trying to explain..............55
Trying to remain calm.........100
Leaping out of bed.............75
Getting dressed in one motion.500
Quickly thanking partner........2
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"
He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"
"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, Sis."
"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"
Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other."
The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
"Hey, brother, let's dance."
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"
"Oh . . . all right."
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."
He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?"
"Hell," he says, "Are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.
"Hey . . . " she says.
"What?"
"Why don't you kiss me?"
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."
"Do what?" said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.
"You know what," his sister replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."
"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."