Great art is timeless.  But language is not.  A never-ending fear is

that great cultural works of art lose their appeal to new generations of

youth because they remain locked in the antiquated tongue of past eras.




In an effort to keep Shakespeare alive with the skinhead subculture, the

fine students of Washington University have launched a new translation

of Shakespeare's timeless Hamlet.



"Our hope was to achieve something like the effect of the New English

Bible," the editors explain in their brief introduction to the work in

progress.



We at eye applaud this historic effort and look forward to the completed

manuscript.  Here's a peek at a couple of scenes:






ACT I, SCENE I: The battlements of Elsinore Castle.  Enter Hamlet,

                followed by Ghost.



Ghost: Oi! Mush!

Hamlet: Yer?

Ghost: I was fucked! (Exit Ghost.)

Hamlet: O, fuck. (Exit Hamlet.)



SCENE III: Ophelia's Bedroom. Enter Ophelia and Laertes.



Laertes: I'm fucking off now.  Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while

         I'm gone.

Ophelia: I'll be fucked if he does. (Exeunt.)



ACT II, SCENE I: A corridor in the castle.  Enter Hamlet reading.  Enter

                 Polonius.



Polonius: Oi! You!

Hamlet: Fuck off, grandad!

  (Exit Polonius.  Enter Rosencranz and Guildenstern.)

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Oi! Oi! Mucca!

Hamlet: Fuck off, the pair of you!

  (Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.)

Hamlet: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked.

  (Enter Ophelia.)

Ophelia: My Lord!

Hamlet: Fuck off to a nunnery! (They exit in different directions.)



And now the exciting conclusion.  Note how the intricacies of the Bard's

plotting remains as powerful as ever.




ACT V SCENE II: Large Hall.  Enter Hamlet, Laertes, Court, Gertrude and

                Claudius.



Laertes: Oi, wanker, let's get on with it.

Hamlet: Delighted, fuckface.

  (They fight and both are poisoned by the poisoned sword.)

Laertes: Fuck!

Hamlet: Fuck!

Gertrude: (The Queen drinks.) Fucking odd wine!

Claudius: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow!

Hamlet: (Pouring the poison down Claudius' throat) Well, fuck you!

Claudius: I'm fair and squarely fucked.

Laertes: Oi, mush, no hard feelings, eh?

Hamlet: Yer.

  (Laertes dies.)

Hamlet: Oi! Horatio!

Horatio: Yer?

Hamlet: I'm fucked.  The rest is fucking silence.

  (Hamlet dies in Horatio's arms.)

Horatio: Fuck, that was no ordinary wanker, you know.

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