The Original Nursery Rhymes
By The Authors of The Politically Correct Manifesto
Prof. Rens Zibigniew X.
Dr. Saul Jerushalmy, Phd.
INTRODUCTION
Ever since I was a wee tyke, I've been fascinated by our
culture's so-called nursery rhymes. Where did these strange,
familiar and adorable little poems come from? Have they always
been an integral part of the Western childhood experience? Our
research (partially funded through a generous National Endowment
for the Arts grant) has revealed some startling answers to these
fundamental questions. In the course of our explorations through the
ancient, dusty libraries of Europe, we discovered that nursery
rhymes actually started out as ribald drinking songs. Over the
centuries, henpecked husbands reluctantly altered these "songs" for
their children, at the request of their wives, who invariably felt the
original songs were a little to much for innocent ears. (An example:
"Mother Goose" was originally an action, not a person.) Thus, with
appropriate warning given, we here present to you some of our
favorite nursery rhymes in their original form.
Eeny Meeny Miney Moe,
Catch a tiger by his toe.
When he eats you,
Then you'll know,
That you're stupid and you're slow.
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater,
Beat his wife and wouldn't feed her.
Put her in a pumpkin shell,
And when he died he went to hell.
Mary had an extra limb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
People thought it was a lamb.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
I pushed him down
And watched him fall.
All the King's horses,
And all the King's men,
Rode by and slipped
on his albumen.
Jack and Gil went up the hill
To take a poke at Walter.
Jack went down
on Walter's Crown
and Gill came too,
Soon after.
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick.
Jack butchered his family
And moved to Canada.
Simple Simon
Broke my hymen
Going to the Fair.
I said, "Simon,"
"That's my pie, man!"
"I ain't got a slice to spare!"
Little Jack Horner
Sat in a corner,
A knife in his sister's thigh.
He said to the coroner,
"Though I am a mourner,"
"If you're not to eat her,"
"May I?"
Wee Willy Winkle
Ran through the night.
But I finally caught him
And did him right.
He screamed and squirmed
And put up a fight.
I soon found out why,
'Cause boy, was he tight!
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet,
Her legs wide open and splayed.
When down came a spider,
Who crawled up inside her
And tickled miss Muffet all day.
There was an old lady,
Who lived in my shoe.
When I put it on
She turned into goo.
Hickory, Dickory, Dock.
Rammed a mouse on to my cock.
Without a sound
I turned it around,
And watched it go into shock.
Jack Sprat
Ate a cat.
He shat a rat.
And that was that.
Old Mother Hubbard
Was found in her cupboard,
Her flesh eaten
Through to the bone.
When they discovered
Old Father Hubbard
'Said, "Bitch wouldn't"
"Leave me alone."
Hey Diddle Diddle,
My penis is little
and shriveled
and shrunk like a prune.
But if you will squeeze it
And tease it, and please it,
It'll blow up just like
A balloon.
Georgie Porgie,
Glasses and Cups,
Kissed the Girls and
Knocked them up,
When their parents
found out what they did
They got out a coathanger
and tore out the kid.
The Queen of Hearts
She made some Tarts
with refried beans one day
I ate the tarts
and got the Farts
The Queen, she moved away.
Rock-A-Bye Baby
On the tree top,
I threw a rock,
and the cradle dropped,
The little head broke,
and all I could see,
was a new meaning,
to the word "infant-tree"
Rub A Dub-Dub
Three men in a tub,
and what do you think they be?
The Butch, and the 'bucker,
The Candlestick Fucker,
Turns out they're faggots- all three.
Larry Larry Quite the Fairy
What makes your penis grow?
whatever sells, like cocks and smells,
and little boys all in a row.
Twinkle Twinkle little knife,
Adept you are at taking life,
I love the glitter as you slash,
people who are carrying cash.
Old King Cole had a ten foot Pole,
and his ten foot Pole had me,
Although he was tall,
We still had a ball,
and he went back to Warsaw for free.
A diller, A dollar,
A ten o'clock scholar,
What makes you come so soon?
You used to come at ten o'clock,
And now you come at noon.
(this nursery rhyme has remained unchanged through the years)
Four and Twenty Blackbirds
Baked in a pie
pull out their feathers
and watch them die.
It is such sport to hear them scream
I reach in my pants
and begin to cream.
There were two fratboys
Sitting on a hill,
The one named Jack
The other named Bill.
Drink all day, Jack,
Drink all day, Bill.
Fall down Jack,
Fall down, Bill.
AND FINALLY, A RECENTLY UNCOVERED EPIC FABLE FROM SCOTLAND
There once was a man named McDowell,
Whose dog had very tight bowels,
He freed it a bit,
with his tongue and some spit,
And he needed to use lots of towels.
The mutt was soon shitting a crateful.
When the pastor came by, he was hateful.
"This is truly a sin
But I have to give in,
If you loosen me up- I'd be grateful."
The pastor said, "I have not shat."
McDowell said, "We'll see to that."
Though he thought he might fail,
He saw a pink tail,
And out popped a yellow-eyed rat!
"Alas," said the rat, "I am torn,
from the place in which I was born.
I am out on the street,
with nothing to eat.
Away from my peanuts and corn."
"Mr. Rat your fortune is made,"
said the pastor who knelt down and prayed.
The Lord heard his words,
And filled him with turds,
So he bent himself over and sprayed.
The rat dug into his pile,
The dog left after awhile.
The Pastor, he squealed,
when McDowell kneeled,
but his "blessing" sure left a big smile!