Kirk: Engineering. Scotty?
Scotty: Aye Captain.
Kirk: Fix the warp engines, Scotty.
Scotty: But the warp engines are working fine captain.
Kirk: Scotty look, whenever we need the warp engines, they go blinky. So start fixing them now.
Scotty: But captain, they're in perfect working order . . .
Kirk: NOW Scotty. Fix 'em. Kirk out.
Captain's log, Stardate -34,212.6. The common cold. Already this mission 3 crew members have come down with it. Bones tells me he's doing everything he can but I can see the intense strain building on his face. How many people can he treat at once? How many tissues do we have left? How long can the crew remain silent while fellow officers sneeze and blow their noses?
Kirk: Sick Bay. Bones?
McCoy: McCoy here.
Kirk: About that third crew member . . .
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: He's what? All he had was a cold!
McCoy: I'm sorry, Jim. I did everything I could.
Kirk: Dead, from a cold? Bones, what ever happened to those twins we sent you in Episode 12 with the back problems?
McCoy: Their dead, Jim.
Kirk: And Ensign Cadaver from Episode 4 with the stubbed toe?
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, do you have a medical degree?
McCoy: No, Jim.
Kirk: Security, escort "Dr." McCoy to the brig.
Spock: Captain, if I may intrude for a moment, I estimate that the chances a healthy person dying of a common cold are 17 million 256 thousand and 12 to 1.
Kirk: You really think so, Spock? Well were finally gonna test this little logical guessing game you like to play. We'll see. Computer on.
Computer: Working.
Kirk: What are the chances of a healthy person dying from a common cold.
Computer: 17,256,011.
Kirk: Not 17,256,012 ?
Computer: Negative.
Spock: Yes it is, Captain. I believe the computer is malfunctioning.
Computer: 11, Captain. I believe Spock is malfunctioning.
Spock: 12, Captain.
Computer: 11.
Spock: 12, 12, 12, 12, 12.
Computer: 11, 11 . . .
Bailey: What the &*%! does it matter!
Kirk: Thank you Mr. Bailey. (Note to the reader: Bailey was the one at the helm in the "Corbomite Maneuver" Episode who became upset when Sulu read off the exact time until the ship exploded.) We've had enough of your emotional outbursts. You're relieved. Mr Spock, thank you for your fascinating commentary. Mr. Chekhov, take the helm.
Chekhov: But Captain, Sulu already has the helm.
Kirk: Not there, Chekhov, to his right. Where Bailey went emotional on us.
Chekhov: But Captain, there is not really so much for me to do there. The helm doesn't really need two people sir.
Kirk: NOW Chekhov! (Chekhov takes the helm.)
Computer: Aaaachooo!
Uhuru: Captain. We have an emergency distress signal coming in over all frequencies.
Kirk: Thank you, Lieutenant, put the signal on ship-wide intercom. Spock, get a fix on the signal's origin. Chekhov, Sulu - push some of those buttons and look busy.
Spock: The signal was originating from Starbase 4, Captain. They have just been destroyed by a Klingon Battle Cruiser.
Kirk: That music - you hear that? That dum - dum -dum. Who did that? (Nobody answers). Sulu, set course for Starbase 4.
Sulu: We're there Captain.
Kirk: Good work, Sulu!
Sulu: We've been there all along Captain. If you remember Captain, we're suppose to guard the starbase against enemy attack.
Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Sulu, I don't need constant reminders of our purpose. Uhuru, let's here a replay of that distress message.
Uhuru: But Captain, it says . . .
Kirk: NOW, Lieutenant.
Distress Message: Enterprise, Enterprise, come in Enterprise. You're supposed to be guarding us, you morons! Wake-up out there! Klingon Battle-Cruiser this sector firing at will - what's the matter with you people! Major damage - all sectors. OK, enough of this - get me the Klingons. Klingons, Klingons, come in Klingons. We hereby fully surrender, denounced our Federation membership, and request permission to tell you all our Federation secrets. Klingons, Klingons, come in Klingons . . . (a loud explosion is heard, the bridge rocks with people being thrown everywhere. One might consider this peculiar considering they were listening to a recording. Then silence).
Kirk: Spock, analysis.
Spock: I believe Chekhov has a point, Captain. You don't really need two people at the helm.
Computer: Aaaaachooo!
Kirk: No Spock, I mean . . . Damn it! Just a minute. (Punches intercom button.) Brig. Bones? The computer has a virus or something. Look into it.
McCoy: But Jim, I'm a doctor not a computer programmer. Or I was a doctor. Ok, look, I'm not really a doctor, but I preformed a brain transplant on Mr. Spock once - not bad, huh? Wait a minute! Brain transplant - computer virus. By golly, Jim, I'm becoming a miracle worker, someday I'll be able to cure the common cold!
Kirk: Wonderful. Security, take the computer to the brig so Dr. McCoy can fix it. Spock, how's the starbase holding up with our protection.
Spock: It's completely destroyed sir. I believe it was the Klingons. The same ones that appear to be firing at us now.
Kirk: Sulu! Damn-it! Tell me these things! (Sulu points to Chekhov who has fallen asleep and silently insinuates that he didn't want to wake him.) CHEKHOV! Wake up! Keep your eyes on the screen!
Chekhov: What? Huh? With Yeoman Rand? Where? Oh yes, Captain, sorry. Klingons. Sulu was watching them, Captain. Oh yes, your right Captain, that's really my job. But with there so little to do and . . . well, Ok, I guess you know that argument. Klingons? Oh yes, Klingons. Oops, there he is. He's firing again Captain. Uh oh, that last hit was bad. We lost photon torpedoes and phasers. Oops! Drat, now the shields are gone too sir. Sorry, my fault, I should have been paying more attention.
Uhuru: Damage reports coming in now, Captain. All decks, sir. Heavy damage in the upper and middle decks, sir.
Spock: That excludes engineering. Maybe the warp engines are undamaged, Captain!
Kirk: Yes! Thank you, Mr. Spock! Engineering! Scotty! Prepare to warp us out of here.
Scotty: Aye Captain, I'd be happy to oblige you, but when fixing the warp engines, which, by the way, weren't really broken, we accidentally caused the magneto-anti-dylithium neutrafier to graze the electro-ferra- . . .
Kirk: What?
Scotty: The warp engines captain, they don't work anymore. I suggest we buy new ones sir. These are always broken.
Kirk: Fine. Impulse engines Scotty, on the double. Get us out of here.
Scotty: Well Captain, when you said to fix to warp engines even though they weren't really broken, it occurred to me that the impulse engines weren't broken either. So we decided to fix them as well.
Kirk: Now Scotty, full impulse engines.
Scotty: Don't you like where we're at, Captain?
Kirk: NOW, Scotty.
Scotty: Aye, we're re-assembling them now Captain. They should be ready by next episode.
Kirk: Spock, analysis.
Spock: Death, Captain. Soon we will all die hideous painful deaths at the hands of Klingons, Captain.
Bailey (from intercom): Oh my god, now you've done it! We're all gonna die!
Kirk: Bailey, shut up. You're relieved. Scotty, take your biggest and strongest men, and send them out to push. We must get out of here.
Scotty: Aye, Captain. That's all well and good, Captain. But the laws of physics say that unless there is something to anchor your feet against, Captain, pushing is just no good. It's just action and reaction sir.
Kirk: Action and reaction? What the . . . Scotty! That's it! You just earned your pay for this week! Reaction! The warp engines can finally do us some good after all these years of malfunctions! Scotty, you've done it!
Scotty: You sound like you need some rest, Captain.
Kirk: Scotty, have the warp engines dismantled: we will eject them toward the Klingon ship.
Scotty: Aye Captain! Yes! That will push us away from the Klingons and give them a bogus warp drive at the same time! It'll take them generations to understand why that thing breaks down only they need it most!
Spock: Fascinating, Captain, but I calculate that we have only 9 minutes and 12.5 seconds stop gloating and blow us to smithereens, Captain.
Kirk: 9 minutes, 12.5 seconds? Computer on.
McCoy (from intercom): It's dead, Jim.
Uhuru: Captain, I have the Klingon Commander on line 3 Captain. He wants us to surrender before he blows us to smithereens.
Kirk: Uhuru, put him on the screen. (The ugly mug of a Klingon appears on the screen.) Hey Klingons, are you crazy? Don't you know we have Corbomite now? Get lost.
Klingon Captain: Corbomite? Really, Captain Kirk. Very nice. Yes, we saw that episode. Is it as good as our new Super-Improved- Corbomite?
Kirk: Damn. Super-Improved-Corbomite! Now we're *&^$#. Spock, analysis.
Spock: We're really *&^$# now, Captain.
Klingon Captain: Yes, quite. May I remind you that it is Klingon tradition to have the enemy surrender completely and unconditionally before we blow them to smithereens. Would you be kind enough to comply?
Spock: That is illogical, Captain. He's going to blow us to smithereens anyway. Why should we surrender first?
Kirk: You have preformed admirably, Captain. Let me be the first to congratulate you on a spectacular victory. Myself and the crew - we are very much impressed. In fact, we'd like to give you a present. It's our warp drive, sir. Think of it like the ear of a bull won in bull fight. You deserve it, Captain. We won't be needing it after you blow our ship to smithereens causing each of us hideous painful death, so we want you to have it.
Klingon Captain (Wiping away tears): You really think so? We can have it? Oh how the other Klingon Captains would be jealous! You would really give us your warp drive?
Kirk: Certainly. And oh yes, the ship's computer, too. It, ah . . . it . . . helps run the warp drive. Yeah, that's it. It helps run the warp drive. Why don't you install it, zip around the galaxy a few times, and see how you like it. In the meantime, we here on the Enterprise can write up a full surrender speech and present it to you when you come back - just before you blow us to smithereens.
Bailey (from intercom): Oh my God, we're all gonna die!
Kirk: Security. Get Mr. Bailey in his quarters. Stuff him in the warp drive or something, just shut him up.
Klingon Captain: It's a deal!
Kirk: Transporter room. Kirk here. Prepare to beam the warp drive and the ship's computer over to the Klingon ship. Beam on my signal. . . Ok, now.
Transporter Room Ensign: Are you sure you want to do this Captain? Weren't we supposed to push . . .
Kirk: YES, Ensign. I WOULD appreciate it if you and everybody would stop questioning my orders.
Transporter Room Ensign: But Captain, I . . .
Kirk: NOW, Ensign. (The sound of the transporter is heard. A few minutes later the Klingon ship's lights go out, and it lies dormant, powerless and tilted in space.)
Kirk: Mr. Spock - please tell us again what is the chance that a healthy person will die from a common cold?
Spock: Yes, Captain, you are indeed correct. I was in error. It is 12,981,011 as the computer originally predicted. But you must admit that this supposed error helped in keeping our galaxy free from Klingon devastation. And it also helped us to find out more of the, shall we say "unusual" past of our beloved Dr. McCoy. So you might think of it as something of a gambit, Captain.
McCoy (from Brig intercom): Hey, Captain, guess what? My mail- order diploma just came in this morning's mail! I'm a REAL doctor now, Jim! No matter what that pointy-eared half-Vulcan says! I'm a real doctor now! Yippie! Can I return to the Sick Bay and talk Nurse Chapel out of making baby eyes at Spock?
Kirk: Why not? And Mr. Sulu, let's get out of here. Warp 5. Straight ahead.
Sulu: But Captain, we just gave the warp . . .
Kirk: Sulu, please DON'T question my orders.
Sulu: But the planet is straight ah . . .
Kirk: NOW, Sulu.
Sulu: Aye, Captain.
Every smiles good-naturedly as the closing music is played. The Enterprise then slams right into the planet killing everyone.
Bailey (from the great beyond): Oh no, now we're all dead! I knew this would happen. NOW maybe they'll listen to me when I complain!
This hilarious text was made/provided by Robert J. Nemiroff
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