Twas the night before Christmas and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some pussy, fuck reading that book.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangly reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, hey Dickfore, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig, or I'll cut off your nuts!"
"Look out for the lamp post and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta pee."
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out, and puked on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard something splatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I put on my jacket to cover my ass,
When down through the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all covered with dip shit galore,
He smelled like a bum and looked like a whore.
"I'm all fuckin' shit-canned," he said with a smile,
"And Rudolph was farting the last half-a mile."
He walked to the kitchen, for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh as my wife turned around,
Santa was hung halfway to the ground.
Back in the den Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a false pair of tits,
The next was a help guide when you have the shits.
A dime bag of reefer was Santa's next find,
And six pairs of panties-the edible kind.
A strap-on vagina, a penis extension,
And several other things that I can't even mention.
A cock-ring, a G-string and all types of oil,
And a bong that was wrapped in aluminum foil.
"This stuff's not for kids, Mrs.Santa will shit,
So I'll leave it all here and then I'll just split."
He filled both our stockings, looked at my wife's cleave,
And tucked my son's crack pipe up under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Made it out of my chimney, on my roof smacked his head.
In time he was seated, took the reigns off his hitch,
Saying,"Take me home Rudolph, the night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about college is the beer won't run out!"
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