WARNING: Contains pies. ;-)
DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of fiction. All characters involved are caricatures, and have been exaggerated. (Julie doesn't REALLY ramble on and on with stories. Really. Honest.)
(The setting: an extremely cheap-looking restaurant in the middle of nowhere. The only signs of life are an obviously inebriated customer asleep at a table, and one waiter hanging out at the back. Suddenly the door opens, and ten tired Whosers-- Ashley, Dean, Donna, Emile, Jeff, Joanne, Julie, Molly, Nick, and Tashia --appear.)
NICK (reading the door)
"Froggy's"? The man is seeing America for the first time, and he gets to eat at "Froggy's"?
DONNA
There wasn't much choice, Nick...
DEAN
I like it! Now maybe I'll get to see some of that fabled American hospitality!
WAITER (from across the room)
JUST PARK IT ANYWHERE!
JOANNE
There you are, Dean... the heart of America...
MOLLY
Jeff, aren't you coming?
JEFF
Are you sure this is the way in?
DONNA
Jeff, the sign says "ENTER"!
JEFF
Yeah... well, I didn't know.
(The Whosers all sit down.)
JULIE
...so the convention was almost over, and we heard that Greg was appearing at some little out-of-the-way place in upstate New York! So a bunch of us decided what the heck, and we took off...
NICK
Ah... Julie...
JULIE
...and there we were, the ten of us packed into the car like sardines all day, and we really couldn't see anything...
DEAN
Julie?...
JULIE
...so on our fourth gas stop, we noticed it was dark... and we began to realize this trip had taken a lot longer than it should have... and none of the scenery looked right... and suddenly it dawned on us -- we were lost!
EMILE
Julie, we know all that.
JULIE
Did I tell you this one before?
TASHIA
No, we were there. That was about half an hour ago.
JULIE
Really? It sure seems longer!
NICK
It certainly does...
DONNA
Will you lay off of Julie?
NICK
I wasn't talking to Julie!
JEFF (pulling out map)
I keep telling you, we are not lost! Now look, we started right here at the ketchup stain, and we moved on down to the mustard smear, and... well, that's where we should have turned left... but that's okay, because one inch equals one mile, and... no wait, one mile equals three... um, one meter equals... Wait a minute, maybe this thing goes the other way!
NICK
Who gave him the map?
JOANNE
Nobody. It's his map.
NICK
What happened to our map?
ASHLEY
Tash sold it.
NICK
WHAT?!?
TASHIA
Well, I was really thirsty, and Jeff said he had a spare map... I didn't think he'd try to read it himself...
NICK (to Donna)
Why didn't you stop her?
DONNA
Don't mess with me now, Nick! I've had Emile's elbow in my ear, and Ashley's foot in my ribcage, and you don't want to know where Molly's nose was!
MOLLY
Okay, I can take a hint. I'm leaving.
(Molly gets up and walks out.)
EMILE
She'll be back.
(The drunk at the next table suddenly wakes up.)
DRUNK
Barrtender, howzabout another marnigrita... and mebbe a Wally Harbanger?
(He falls asleep again.)
NICK
Oh, what a wonderful place you've discovered! Such cordial
atmosphere...
DONNA
Look, the only other choice was the pick-your-own-lobster place on the corner...
NICK
There was another place about 15 miles back!
DONNA
And there you had to pick your own cow!
NICK (grumbling)
And here you can probably pick your own frog...
EMILE (breaking into song)
IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN...
DONNA
Nice going, Nick!
EMILE
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SONGS ABOUT RAINBOWS...
NICK
Emile... please...
EMILE
Come on, we might as well have some fun! We're all still
together, right?
DEAN
I agree, it's quite an adventure! Besides, we'll be out of here soon enough!
JEFF (studying map)
Aha! I know exactly where we are!
(Jeff runs to the window and points.)
JEFF
We're right on that mountain over there!
DEAN
Well, it's an adventure anyway...
(Molly reenters.)
MOLLY
Sorry, guys. Please don't hate me for leaving.
JULIE
This reminds me of a story... we were driving along on the
freeway, and this truck had dumped an entire load of bananas right in the middle of the road... well, the driver just up and left... and we couldn't take the detour because of the ducks crossing...
(The waiter brings the drinks to the next table.)
EMILE
Excuse me, could we have some service, please?
(The waiter grudgingly comes over.)
WAITER (half-heartedly)
Welcome to Froggy's... the best establishment in Vermont.
DONNA
VERMONT?
JEFF
Ha! It's not even on this map! Not my fault!
WAITER
My name is Brad, and I'll be your waiter.
ASHLEY
Brad?
(Stars appear in Ashley's eyes a la Davy Jones.)
TASHIA
Not that Brad, Ash!
NICK
It works on anyone named Brad. Check the manual sometime!
MOLLY
Do you have any waiters named Hugh?
WAITER
No.
MOLLY
Then I'm leaving.
(Molly walks out again.)
JULIE
She'll be back.
WAITER
So what'll it be... and please try to make it quick!
ASHLEY
Absolutely, we wouldn't want to take up your time, Brad!
JOANNE
Well, first we'll need a menu!
WAITER
The menus are all the way over there! Why don't you just tell me what you want, and I'll let you know if we don't have it!
ASHLEY
What a great idea!
JOANNE
Well, okay... aren't you going to write this down?
WAITER
Why? I have a photographic memory! You ordered a BLT on toast, an extra-large Coke, and a bag of pretzels!
JOANNE
I didn't order anything!
WAITER
Well, suit yourself, but most people order something when they come in here... How about the rest of you?
DRUNK (coming to attention again)
Barrtender, more burgling sparrkendee...
WAITER
Right away, sir!
(He leaves the Whosers' table.)
JOANNE
Excuse me, but you were waiting on us!
WAITER
Don't worry, I got it all! That's ten specials!
JOANNE
NO, that's not right!
WAITER
Oh, right, nine specials! You didn't order anything!
ASHLEY
He's so intuitive...
(Molly reenters.)
MOLLY
Okay, please hear me out, I feel I should say something...
JULIE
What, Molly?
MOLLY
I forgot.
(She sits back down.)
DEAN
So what is the special anyway?
DONNA
Judging from our surroundings, I'd say that it's pastry!
EMILE
There are enough pies and cakes here for an army!
JEFF (eyes widening)
So there are...
JOANNE
Jeff, don't get any ideas!
JEFF
Why, whatever could you mean?
NICK
Okay, I've had enough of this! We know we're in Vermont, right? So give me the New England map and I'll get us out of here!
ASHLEY
Tash sold it.
NICK
OH, THIS IS JUST GREAT!
TASHIA: Well, I had to eat... and I had NO IDEA we'd end up here...
NICK (to Donna)
HOW COULD YOU LET HER DO THAT?
DONNA
WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS MY FAULT? WHY DON'T YOU POINT THE FINGER AT YOURSELF FOR ONCE?
NICK
I'LL POINT A FINGER, ALL RIGHT!
DRUNK
Hey, what's all the rracket?
EMILE
Calm down, you two! How about a hoedown?
MOLLY
No hoedowns!
EMILE
You can't be upset when you do a hoedown!
NICK
But we can be very upset when YOU do one!
EMILE
The Getting Lost Hoedown! I WAS REALLY, REALLY GLAD WHEN WE GOT OUT OF THAT CAR/BUT I WASN'T QUITE SO GLAD WHEN I FOUND OUT WHERE WE ARE...
MOLLY
I said no hoedowns! That's it, I'm leaving!
(Molly walks out again.)
DEAN
I think she means it this time!
TASHIA
She'll be back. She forgot her purse.
EMILE
IT'S A BAD SITUATION, BUT IT REALLY COULD BE WORSE/I MAY BE LOST, BUT HEY, AT LEAST I DIDN'T LEAVE MY PURSE!
DRUNK
Hey, quiiet over there...
NICK (to Donna)
NOW LOOK, YOU WERE SO LOUD YOU MADE HIM MAD!
DONNA
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TICK ME OFF IN A ROOMFUL OF PIES?
JEFF (excitedly)
Yes! Yes he does!
JULIE
I think you'd better cool it...
DRUNK (stomping over to the table)
Now howz a man suspossed to relax with all this shoutin'?
EMILE
I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY THAT WE GOT A BIT TOO LOUD/BUT YOU SEE, WE ARE THE WHOSERS, AND OF THAT WE'RE VERY PROUD...
DRUNK
I've had about enuff o' your stoopid songs...
JOANNE
We're out of control here!
ASHLEY
Someone needs to do something fast!
TASHIA (grabbing Molly's purse)
Excuse me, would you like to buy this lovely purse for your wife or girlfriend?
(The drunk takes Molly's purse and flings it across the room.)
DEAN
That wasn't it!
JOANNE (rising)
Sir, I'm truly sorry that my friends disturbed you, but I'm afraid you'll just have to forgive them...
DRUNK
Wha?
JOANNE
You see, they have a love/hate relationship, and when you're stuck together in a car all day, the hate takes over... I'm sure you understand.
DRUNK
An' that guy over there with the dumb songs?
JOANNE
He's Canadian.
DRUNK
Oh... okay.
JULIE
Whew, that was a close one!
EMILE (not realizing the guy is still standing behind him)
I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY THAT HE THOUGHT MY HOEDOWNS STUNK/MAYBE HE SHOULD LISTEN WHEN HE ISN'T STINKING DRUNK!
DEAN
Emile...!
DRUNK (reaching for a pie)
All right, you aksed for it!
JOANNE
Oh no!
JEFF
Stop him, Dean!
DEAN (rising slowly)
Now see here, my friendly...
JOANNE
Jeff, what are you doing? You know full well that if Dean tries to intervene, he'll get...
(Dean gets nailed but good!)
JOANNE
...pied...
JEFF (innocently)
Did I do that?
(Dean does a slow burn, then picks up another pie.)
JOANNE
Oh Dean, don't do anything stupid!
JEFF
Relax, Joanne, I know how these things always happen! Dean hurls the pie, the guy ducks, and it hits...
(Dean hurls the pie, the guy ducks, and Joanne gets creamed.)
JEFF
...the person standing behind him! Oh wait, that would be you, wouldn't it?
TASHIA
I hope someone is taping this...
JOANNE
So you know how these things always happen, do you? Did you know I was going to do THIS?
(Joanne tosses a pie at Jeff, but accidentally plasters Donna. Nick bursts out laughing.)
JEFF
Actually, no. I was sure you would hit Julie.
DONNA (to Nick)
Look what you started!
(Donna lets Nick have it with a nice banana cream.)
NICK
Look what I started? I'm not the one who picked this place!
(Nick grabs 2 pies and slams them into Donna's head.)
TASHIA
I hope someone is taping this...
NICK (turning to a giggling Emile)
And I'm certainly not the one who was doing HOEDOWNS!
(Nick gives Emile the same treatment, as the waiter reenters.)
WAITER (tentatively)
Umm... will there be anything else, sir?
EMILE
Yes, this!
(Emile pies the waiter.)
DEAN
And don't forget your tip!
(Dean slam dunks a pie onto the waiter's head.)
ASHLEY (jumping up)
HOW DARE YOU HIT BRAD!
(Ashley clobbers Dean and Emile with 2 pies.)
JULIE
Ash, it's the wrong Brad!
JEFF
It doesn't matter. She's blinded with infatuation...
(Dean and Emile clobber Ashley right back.)
JEFF
And cream.
TASHIA
I hope someone is taping this...
(Molly reenters.)
MOLLY
Sorry I lost it, but those hoedowns... Hey, what's going on?
JULIE
I'll tell you what happened, Molly! See, we all got lost, so we came into this restaurant, and that guy was sitting over there... and the service was terrible... so Emile started doing hoedowns, and that's about when you left... and then Nick and Donna...
(Nick and Donna give Julie a nice pie sandwich.)
JULIE
This wouldn't be so bad if it was from Greg.
TASHIA
I hope someone is...
(Tashia gets plastered with 4 flying pies.)
TASHIA
I hope no one is taping this...
MOLLY
So you all get pied and I don't? I always get left out! I'm leaving!
TASHIA
Oh, Molly...
MOLLY
Yes?
(Tashia lets Molly have it with the largest, messiest pie in the place.)
MOLLY
Mmmm... thanks, Tash!
(Suddenly the manager bursts in.)
MANAGER
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
JULIE
I'm not saying a word...
DRUNK
Oh, thank God you're here! See, I wuz sittin' here mindin' my own bizness, and these weirdos came in... an' they started throwin' pies around... like THIS!
(He pies the manager!)
MANAGER
Oh... you mean like THIS?
(The manager pies the drunk back.)
DRUNK
Yeah!
MANAGER
That's easily taken care of... we have our own way of dealing with incorrigible customers here at Froggy's!
DRUNK
Whut's that?
MANAGER
We throw them out... like THIS!
(He drags the drunk out into the street.)
DEAN
All right, let's get out of here.
JOANNE
Right.
JEFF
Wait a minute, that's it? That's wrong!
TASHIA
What's wrong now?
JEFF
They only got one pie apiece! Everybody knows that the last person is supposed to get pied by everyone in the room! That's how it always happens, that's how it's supposed to... ummm... what are you all looking at ME like that for?...
THE END (splat)
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