(Contains mild profanity.)

DISCLAIMER: The following is a work of fiction. It is not meant to imply that anybody mentioned in this story ever did or would do any of these things. It is purely for entertainment purposes.

That being said, please enjoy.

____"I am so tired," Greg Proops muttered as he entered the Green Room at The London Television Centre. Colin Mochrie was sitting in an armchair, reading a magazine.
____"Hey, Greg!" Colin greeted his friend. "How are you?"
____"Jet-lagged," Greg replied. "Can you believe my flight was delayed for eight hours? I had just enough time to check into the hotel and come here."
____"Relax," Colin told him. "Dan's running late. We have extra time before rehearsal."
____"Figures." Greg sighed. "Listen, man, I've got a splitting headache. You object if I rest on the couch for a bit?"
____"Of course not." Colin stood up, holding the magazine. "I'll leave so I don't disturb you."
____"Oh, you don't have to- " Greg began.
____"No, I don't mind," Colin insisted. "I want to see who else is here anyway. I'll see you later." He walked out, shutting the door behind him.
____Greg sat down on the couch, exhausted. He removed his glasses and placed them on an end table, then lay down. In minutes he was fast asleep.

____Colin pushed open the door marked "Whose Line is it, Anyway? A Hat Trick Production" and walked into the studio. It was completely deserted. He stood on the stage and looked out at the empty rows of seats. He envisioned them filled with spectators. There were two weeks of tapings ahead for the show's new season. In that time they'd tape a dozen episodes.
____Colin sat down in one of the onstage chairs and opened up his magazine. Soon he was completely absorbed in his reading.
____Suddenly, he felt a tug on the side of his head. Before he could react, he heard a snip behind his right ear. He swiftly turned around, but there was nobody there. He put his hand up to the side of his head, then realized what had happened and ran to Makeup to get a mirror.

____"Do you think this shirt is bright enough?" Ryan Stiles asked Wayne Brady, grinning. They were picking their outfits for the next night's taping. Ryan held up an orange shirt that was practically glowing. Wayne pretended he was being blinded.
____"Geez, where'd they pick that up - Fashion Mart of Chernobyl?" Wayne quipped. They kept combing through the shirts, when they heard the sound of someone running down the hall outside the Wardrobe room. They looked up to see Colin dashing by. Concerned, they put down the shirts and followed him into the Makeup room. They entered to find Colin holding up a hand mirror, straining to look behind his ear.
____"What's the matter?" Wayne asked him.
____"Look! Just look!" Colin cried out. He turned his side to Ryan and Wayne, and they could see the problem - there was a small bald patch behind his ear.
____"Um, Colin…" Ryan said, "I don't know how to break this to you, but you've been losing hair for years."
____"Oh, ha-ha-ha," Colin retorted. "You don't understand! Someone sneaked up behind me and cut off a lock of my hair!"
____"How is that possible?" asked Wayne.
____"I don't know. I was sitting in the studio and-" Colin was cut off by a loud crash coming from down the hall. They all looked at each other.
____"Is anyone else here?" asked Ryan.
____"Greg's in the Green Room, but I think he's asleep," Colin replied.
____Just then, they heard an enraged yell: "THIS ISN'T FUCKING FUNNY!!!"
____"I'd say he's awake," said Wayne. They all took off down the hall.
____They reached the Green Room and looked through the open door. A large ceramic bowl of pretzels was shattered on the floor. Greg had his back to the door, and was leaning very close to the end table, feeling carefully all over the tabletop.
____"Greg? You OK?" Wayne asked him.
____Greg whirled around, and the trio could instantly see the problem. "I can't find my glasses!" he cried.
____Ryan and Wayne immediately began searching the couch and floor for the missing specs. Colin got a broom from the janitor's closet and carefully swept the ceramic shards and smashed pretzels into a wastebasket. "What happened to the bowl?" he asked.
____"I knocked it off the table when I was looking for my glasses," Greg replied. "I can't see a damn thing!"
____The four comics searched the entire room, to no avail. The glasses were gone. Finally resigned to the fact, they sat on the couch to figure out the puzzle.
____"Do you have a spare pair?" asked Wayne.
____"I forgot them in L.A.," sighed Greg. "How can they disappear like that?"
____"Wait a minute," said Colin. "When we all came in here, wasn't the door open?"
____"Yeah," said Ryan. "Why?"
____"Because when I left the room earlier, I closed it," Colin answered. "Greg, did anyone else come in here?"
____"I don't think so, but I fell asleep right after you left," Greg replied.
____Colin looked lost in thought. "I wonder if whoever cut my hair also took your glasses, Greg."
____"Cut your hair?" Greg asked.
____"I'll explain later. Can you get a new pair of glasses?"
____"Yeah, if someone will go with me. I can only see about four inches."
____"I'll go with you," Wayne volunteered. He led Greg from the room, nearly knocking into Brad Sherwood, who was on his way in. Brad did a double take, then turned to Ryan and Colin. "Hey, guys. What happened to Greg? He wasn't wearing his glasses."
____Ryan and Colin explained everything. Brad's eyes widened. "Some story. You ready to explain it to Dan? He just arrived."
____Ryan rolled his eyes. "I'm sure he'll be thrilled to hear that the show he produces has an eyeglass thief and rogue barber running around."
____"Well, anyway, he wants us in the studio," Brad told them. "The others are in there already."
____Colin and Ryan resigned themselves to fate and walked off down the hall, nudging each other, "You tell him."
____"No way, you tell him."
____"It's your theory, you tell him."
____"You've been on more episodes. He knows you better. You tell him."
____"No, you…"

____"This is absolutely absurd!" Dan Patterson was throwing a fit, shaking his ever-present clipboard in frustration. "How could a thief have gotten in here?"
____"Well, it is possible. This isn't Fort Knox," Ryan pointed out.
____"Have you called security?" Dan asked them.
____"We haven't had a chance to do anything yet," Colin replied.
____"What I want to know," mulled Clive Anderson, seated behind his host's desk, "is who would steal a pair of glasses?"
____"A nearsighted thief?" Tony Slattery jokingly suggested.
____"I just want to know who cut my hair!" said Colin.
____"A bald thief?" quipped Tony. Colin gave him a withering look.
____"So what do we do now?" Steve Frost asked Dan.
____Dan paced the floor. "We're not going to let this interrupt rehearsal. We've got too much work ahead of us. I'm going to go call security. You guys start. Let's see…" he checked his clipboard. "We'll start with Hoedown. Steve, Brad, Colin and Ryan." He looked over at Richard Vranch, seated at the piano. "Richard, you ready?" Richard nodded. "OK, run a couple of those, and I'll be back in a minute." Dan left the room.
____Everyone looked at each other. "All right," Ryan announced, "anyone who can concentrate at this point, raise your hand." Nobody raised a hand. "I thought so."
____"We should at least wait for Greg and Wayne to get back," Brad agreed. There were nods all around.
____"Let me get this straight, Colin," Tony began, "Someone cut your hair, you turned around, and there was nobody there?"
____"Exactly," Colin replied.
____"How can that happen?" Tony wondered.
____"I wish I knew," Colin sighed. "It's like something out of Mission: Impossible."
____"More like Mission: Improbable," Richard remarked.
____Brad walked over to Colin's chair on the stage. "It happened here?"
____"Yeah, why?" Colin asked.
____"Well, maybe there's a clue here," Brad mused.
____Everyone got up and went over to the chair. They began searching the area around it, as well as backstage.
____"Hey!" Steve called from the wings. "I think I found something!"
____The group swarmed backstage. Steve was kneeling next to an open trapdoor in the stage floor. A flight of stairs went down to a darkened room. "All someone had to do was go through this, and they'd escape!"
____"What's it there for, anyway?" Ryan inquired.
____"When they used to present live drama programs here, they'd use trapdoors," Clive replied. "It should lead to a hallway. Steve's right; this is probably how the thief escaped."
____"Excuse me," Dan's angry voice called from the stage, "Why don't I hear Hoedowns? And where are you?"
____Everyone filed back onstage.
____"We think we found how the thief got out of the studio, Dan," Steve told him.
____"That's great. Tell it to security when they get here," Dan replied. "Now, we have work to do!"
____"Look, can't we at least wait for Greg and Wayne?" Ryan protested. Just then the door opened, and the two missing players walked in.
____"Sure, we can wait for them," Dan cracked, a smile finally appearing on his face.
____Greg and Wayne stepped onstage. Greg was wearing a pair of wire-rimmed glasses, and did not look happy. "This was all I could find on short notice," he explained. "But I called my wife, and she's express-mailing my spare pair."
____"Great, welcome back, now let's get started," Dan announced. "We were beginning with Hoedown. Steve, Brad, Colin, and Ryan. Line up, you four." They reluctantly did so. "All right, we need a topic. Topic?"
____"Security Guards," Tony suggested. Dan glared at him.
____"All right, Security Guards," Clive decided. "Security Guards is your topic. Take it away, Richard!"
____There was silence. Everyone looked over at Richard, who was staring at the keyboard in disbelief.
____"Richard? Is something wrong?" Clive inquired.
____"Yeah, I'll say there's something wrong!" Richard tapped the piano keys. "I'm getting no sound!"
____They all gathered around the piano. Richard raised the lid, and the problem became apparent: all the piano's strings had been cut!
____"Right, that's it," Tony announced. "I'm leaving. Something odd is going on."
____"Nobody is going anywhere!" Dan thundered. "We're professionals! This place has more than one piano; we'll just have another one brought in. Meanwhile, let's move on. Um … OK, let's do Questions Only. Greg, Wayne, Tony and Ryan. Greg and Wayne in the middle to start." Grumbling, the four players moved into position. Clive returned to the desk. The others took seats in the front row. "Okay," Dan continued, "Scene suggestions?"
____"A TV show that gets sabotaged and an evil producer that ignores it," Greg suggested sarcastically.
____"Because heaven forbid the show shouldn't go on," Ryan added.
____"Do we have any REAL suggestions?" Dan asked.
____"I could do a scene based on those," Wayne spoke up.
____"Here's a suggestion," said Clive. "Host is missing his buzzer!"
____"WHAT?" everyone collectively shouted. Tony pretended to faint, collapsing onto the stage.
____"It's true, the buzzer's gone!" Clive told them.
____"Geez," Wayne said, shaking his head, "Can this get any weirder?"
____Dan sighed in frustration. "All right, that does it. We'll talk to security, then suspend rehearsal for the day. Everyone head into the Green Room so they can search the studio. I'll send someone in there to talk to you."
____"Fuck talking to us!" Tony cried. "Send someone in there to protect us! I don't feel safe!" Everyone else murmured in agreement.
____"Look," said Dan, "It's probably just a practical joker on the loose. I'm sure there's no danger."
____"That's a pretty mean joker," Brad pointed out. "Stealing glasses, cutting piano strings…"
____"Yes, yes, yes. Tell it all to security," Dan replied. "We'll get it all sorted out before tomorrow's taping. I need everyone here by 2:00 for wardrobe check, and then we'll have rehearsal. OK?"

____The comics entered the Green Room and sat down on chairs, waiting to talk to the security guard.
____"Has anyone else got a really, really odd feeling about all this?" Tony asked of the group.
____"It's like someone's trying to stop the show," said Steve.
____Wayne picked up a soda he'd been drinking out of earlier and gulped it down. "I tell you," he began, "I don't think we should-" suddenly, he began coughing. He gasped for breath, then continued. "I don't think we should do the show unless we're sure we're … safe …" his voice became very raspy. "What the …"
____"Wayne?" Greg went over to his friend. "You all right, man?"
____"I … I don't know …" Wayne whispered. "It's like … my voice just … left me … I can't … sing on the show … with my voice … like this …"
____Ryan frowned. "Your voice was fine until you drank that soda."
____"You think it was spiked with something?" Brad asked him.
____"Oh, bloody hell," Steve commented. "This is too much."
____Greg inspected the can. "It looks OK, but if it was already open …"
____"The same person who took your glasses could have slipped something into the can," Colin pointed out.
____"Exactly," Greg replied. "Come on Wayne. I'm taking you down to the studio infirmary."

____"Hmmm …" the nurse peered into Wayne's throat. "Looks like you just swallowed something that coated your throat. Very odd." She handed him some liquid medicine. "Here, swallow that." He did so. "You'll be right as rain by tomorrow morning."
____Greg handed her the soda can. "We think something was put in here. Can it be checked on?"
____The nurse examined the can. "I'll have it checked on at the clinic and get back to you. Meanwhile, take care of your throat the rest of the day. OK?"

____Wayne and Greg returned to the Green Room. There they found a security guard and Dan standing in the center of the room, examining a piece of paper. The others were huddled up, whispering anxiously. They all looked up.
____"How's your throat, Wayne?" Clive asked him.
____"He needs to take care of it tonight, but it'll be fine by tomorrow," Greg answered. "What's going on?"
____The guard held up a copy of Agatha Christie's novel Murder on the Orient Express. "Does this belong to you?" he asked. Wayne and Greg both shook their heads.
____"We found it next to the soda can," Richard explained. "We picked it up, and a piece of paper fell out."
____Dan handed Wayne and Greg the paper. In letters torn from a book were the words, THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.
____"I trust we'll be beefing up security for tomorrow's taping?" Dan asked the guard.
____Everyone looked at Dan in disbelief.
____"Taping?!?" Tony cried. "We're still holding a taping after this???"
____"Come on, Dan!" Colin exclaimed. "Wayne's already been hurt. Another one of us could be next!"
____"None of us feel safe here!" Brad added.
____Dan held up his hands to quiet them. "We feel the best thing to do is to continue as normal. If this guy wants to shut us down, we're not going to let him."
____"Oh good," said Greg. "By all means, let's encourage him to do something worse."
____"Don't worry," the guard told them. "Nobody but studio and Hat Trick employees will be let into the building tomorrow unless a security guard is with them at all times. And we'll double up on security when we let the audience in."
____"I feel MUCH safer," Ryan muttered sarcastically.
____"That's final word, you guys," Dan told them. "Go home now and rest. I expect to see you all here at 2:00 tomorrow."

____At 1:45 the next day, Ryan walked out of his hotel to return to the studio. To his surprise, there was a taxi waiting out front - usually, he had to hail one. He tried the back door, but it was locked. He figured the cab was off-duty and was about to walk away, when the driver looked up from his newspaper and pushed a button to unlock the door. His face was hidden behind sunglasses and a thick beard, and he was dressed all in black, including a black chauffeur-like hat. He stared at Ryan for a minute, seemingly sizing him up.
____Ryan got into the back of the cab. "London Television Centre, please," he told the driver.
____"Right ho, guv'nor" the driver replied in an unusually thick Cockney accent. He auto-locked the doors, then drove off.
____Ryan looked out the window, trying to piece the previous night's events together. After a few minutes, however, he realized he didn't recognize his surroundings. "Excuse me," he asked the driver, "Are you sure you're going the right way?"
____The driver just smiled, then pushed a button. The clear partition between him and Ryan closed. Ryan was taken aback, and began to worry. He knocked on the partition. "Hey! Hey! Why'd you do that?"
____Suddenly, he became aware of an odd scent in the back of the car. It was sharp, almost like alcohol. He sniffed the air, and began to feel dizzy. He looked up at the driver, who was watching him in the rear-view mirror, smiling like the Cheshire Cat.
____The smell became worse, and Ryan's sight began to blur. He tried unrolling the windows, but they wouldn't budge. The doors refused to unlock. Desperate for fresh air, Ryan began hitting a window, trying to break it. But before he could, the acrid fumes engulfed him, and he passed out in the back of the taxi.

____Tony walked into the Wardrobe room still wary about what might happen that day. He found Wayne, Brad, Colin and Richard picking out various outfits for the multitude of tapings. Clive was pouring over his necktie options.
____"Looking for the ugliest tie, Clive?" Tony cracked.
____"Just out to match your ugly trousers, Tony," Clive shot back.
____The wardrobe mistress rushed up to Tony. "Tony, I have a few items I thought you might like." She pointed to a stack of pants and jackets on a table. "I need to make sure you're sized correctly. Could you please try those on?"
____"Yes, madam," Tony saluted her, then picked up an outfit and went into the dressing room.
____Greg walked into the room, grinning. His spare glasses were on his face. "Buddy Holly's back again!" he quipped.
____"Gee, I was getting attached to the wire-rims," Brad joked.
____Greg made a face at him, then turned to Wayne. "How's your throat, man?"
____"Perfect," Wayne replied. "I can sing just fine."
____Tony burst from the dressing room, still in his street clothes. He was holding up the pants he'd been asked to try on. "What the fuck's going on?" he demanded.
____"What happened now?" asked Colin.
____Tony put his fist through the pants. They'd been split at the crotch. "Look at that, just look!"
____"Geez man, what were you doing in there?" Greg asked.
____"Very funny," Tony muttered. He went over to the table where his other outfits were stacked, and began inspecting the pants. "These are torn … And these … They're all like that!" He tossed them on the floor in frustration. The wardrobe mistress picked them up, apologizing and promising she'd sew them right back up, when something on the table where the pants had been caught Wayne's eye.
____"What's that?" he inquired, crossing over to pick it up. It was a copy of Stephen King's The Shining. Everyone gathered around it.
____"Another book?" Clive asked in disbelief. Wayne shook it, and a folded piece of paper fluttered out and landed on the floor.
____Richard picked it up and unfolded it. It was another note, made the same way as the last one. He held it up so they could all read it: MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT.
____"What on earth does that mean?" Tony wondered.
____"Um …" Colin began, "the time when your pants split is, I think, pretty much considered the … well, most memorable moment on the show."
____"When were these outfits laid out?" Brad asked the wardrobe mistress.
____"Last night, before I went home," she replied. "I was trying to get organized."
____"Afternoon, all!" Steve boomed, entering the room. He saw them gathered around the note. "Oh, not again!"
____They quickly brought him up to speed. He shook his head. "I suppose the show still must go on?"
____"We haven't told Dan about this yet," Wayne said. "But I doubt it'll make much difference."
____"Steve," the mistress spoke up, "There are Hawaiian shirts for you at the end of Rack One. You can go ahead and pick out the ones you want."
____Steve went to the designated area and searched the rack. But he found nothing. "Are you sure you put them here?" he called. "All I see are empty hangars." He pushed several hangars aside, and on a shelf behind them found … another book. "Oh, no!"
____He brought the book out to show the others. It was a copy of The Cat in the Hat. He opened it and unfolded another note: TRADEMARK CLOTHING. "What does this mean, then?"
____"Well," said Brad, "You're identified with those Hawaiian shirts. Now they're gone."
____"Who'd steal a bunch of shirts?" Steve wondered.
____Greg frowned in concentration. "Actually, this is starting to make some sense."
____"I'm sure glad something is!" Tony exclaimed. "Care to elaborate?"
____"Well," said Greg, "It's like someone is hurting something each of us is identified with. I mean, think about it: My glasses, Richard's piano, Wayne's singing voice, Clive's buzzer, Colin's hair, Steve's shirts, and Tony's … memorable moment."
____"You have a point, Greg," Clive agreed.
____"We should go tell Dan about the two new notes," Brad suggested.
____The players all walked out of the Wardrobe room in search of the producer. On the way down the hall, Colin tapped Wayne. "What time is it?"
____"2:45," Wayne told him. "Why?"
____Colin looked concerned. "It's not like Ryan to be so late."

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