The following is not an actual 'Vs.' transcript; it is a parody. It is purely meant for entertainment purposes. And if it entertains you, then be sure to watch the actual 'Vs.' M-F at 5pm (repeating at 1am and 12:30pm) on Comedy Central!
JOE (the Announcer)
Hey kiddies, is that a big ole licorice stick in my pocket or am I just happy to see you? That question and many others will be answered on today's episode of "VS!" We've got Whosers vs. WliiA? Performers! And now your host, the man who wants you to stop spanking your monkey and start spanking his, Mr. Greg Proops!!!!
(Greg stumbles out from behind the stage and onto the set of 'VS,' approaches the camera.)
GREG
Hello my little piglets and welcome to VS; the show that takes two rival teams and pits them against one another on the
field of mortal, intellectual combat. Today, it's obsessed fans vs. improvising mans. We've met the teams, now let's beat the
players. Joe!
(Cut to shot of the contestants. The Whosers are behind one huge podium and the WL contestants are to their left and behind their own.)
JOE
First we've got Cindy. She thinks that Ryan Stiles is incredibly talented and looks good... in his bathrobe through
binoculars!
-Next is Vanessa. She says that if laughter's the best medicine, then she'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Proops.
-Then we have Ashley, who'd love to play Maid Marion opposite Brad's Sherwood Forest. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Whosers!!!
-First we have Brad, who'd like to let Ashley know that when congratulatory handshake time comes around, his hand is above
his belt.
-Next is Colin, who'd love to give the Whosers his autograph.... On a restraining order!
-Then there's Ryan. He says that Brad's a woman, but he'd really like to get her number after the show! Meet the WliiA?
Players!!!!!
(Greg stands behind the 'VS' podium and faces the contestants. There is a screen behind him and to his right, where the categories appear.)
GREG
We start off the game with some general K-nowledge k-estions, KAY?! Each correct ansWer is worth 100 clamdolians
and there's no penalty for wrong answers. Everyone cast thine eyes upon the BIG screen-o-questions!
GREG
Our first subject is....
CANADIA. The categories AM: "Puck, puck, bo buck, banana fanna fo..." and "Canadian Ho's." The Whosers won the coin
toss backstage, Ashley, you rage like a fire with your red, red hair! Will you please select a category?
ASHLEY
Greg, we Whosers would just like to say, that you're looking quite dashing today!
COLIN
Kiss ups!
ASHLEY
I think we'll take "Canadian Ho's." (Nessa and Ashley giggle)
GREG
And so will I.... The question is: In what city does the "Just for Laughs Festival" take place?
(Colin buzzes)
GREG
Colin?
Colin
Montreal.
GREG
Abso-freakin'-lutely correct, Pookie!! Ok, now for "Puck, puck, bo buck, banana fanna fo..." What is the name of the famous hockey player, for whom a restaurant in Toronto is named?
(Ashley buzzes)
GREG
Ashley, my precious?
ASHLEY
Wayne Gretzky?
GREG
You are correct, ma'am!
RYAN
Um, my buzzer isn't working... (he pokes at the buzzer and gives it a classic Ryan look)
GREG
Your buzzer hasn't worked in years, or at least that's what your wife says. Our next subject is Television. Our categories
AM: "XXX-Files" and "Lawyers, I wouldn't mind checking my briefs." Ashley, you are tall and perplexing, pick again.
ASHLEY
Well Greg, I really want XXX....
NESSA (interrupting)
...With Brad...
(Brad and Ashley blush and everyone else laughs.)
GREG
Well, Brad, darlin', the blood is not supposed to rush to your face. Ok., XXX: "On the TV show, "the X-Files," what is
the name of the character played by David Duchovny?
(Colin buzzes)
GREG
Colin, if I were gay, I'd want you to rock my world.
(Colin - disgusted face. Timer buzzes. Cindy buzzes)
GREG
Yes my up-until-now mute angel?
CINDY
I buzzed in for Ryan, since his buzzer isn't working. (giggles)
NESSA
Cindy, you can't do that, we wanna win, remember?
GREG
I'm afraid, my precious, that Pumpkin is right, that's not allowed. Plus Ryan's buzzer is working, he's just not used to such high-tech equipment.
RYAN
Very funny, game-show-host-boy.
AUDIENCE
Oooooooooh!
GREG
I'd love to exchange insults, but I'm kinda busy working here, LEWIS. Moving on, Which Ally McBeal star took home a
Golden Globe for Lead Actress in a Comedy in '98?
(Nessa buzzes)
GREG
Oui, oui my bewitching, voo-doo princess?
NESSA
Calista Flockhart.
GREG
Of course! Our next subject is, "Science." The categories are: "We can put a man on the moon, but we can't get a probe
to Uranus" and "The ladies call me Stud-o-saurus Rex." Vanessa, you are the one true love of my life, select please!
NESSA (blushing)
The ladies call me Stud-o-saurus Rex.
GREG
Well, they call me Proop Doggy Dog, cause I'm down wit dat. What thunder dinosaur literally means "thunder lizard?"
(Ryan buzzes)
GREG
Ryan, you're enormous and bizarre, what's the answer?
RYAN
Um, that dinosaur that Colin's always impersonating...
GREG
Can you be more specific, my dearest love?
RYAN
Nope.
GREG
Aight, Whosers, do you have an answer?
(Ashley buzzes)
GREG
Yes, Pookie?
ASHLEY
Brontosaurus?
GREG
Correct!
ASHLEY
Well, actually, the correct term for the aforementioned dinosaur is Apatusaurus; Brontosaurus is simply a popular
misnomer that the world is too stubborn to correct.
GREG
That is sooo.... NOT interesting, but Uranus is....
AUDIENCE
Ooooooooh....
GREG
Which of the nine planets, in our solar system, has the most moons?
(Colin buzzes)
GREG
Yes, Colin-poo?
COLIN
Saturn.
GREG
Yeaes!
ASHLEY
Well, new satellites are being discovered every day, so we can't be 100% sure that Saturn has the most. Right now its
numbers are between 18-20, depending on who you talk to....
COLIN
Who cares? We still get the points right?
GREG
Yes, and thank you, Little Miss Nova Special, about subjects nobody cares about!
(Ashley pouts)
AUDIENCE
Awwwwwwww....
GREG
Oh, Greg, that is so.... TRUE! Next subject, Geography. The categories are: "Don't Manhandle my panhandle" and "Tetons larger than Dolly Parton's." Colin, your answers are simplistic (looks at Ashley) and your head is shiny and distracting, please choose.
COLIN
I'd like Tetons larger than Dolly Parton's.
GREG
I bet you do.... "What national park borders the Grand Tetons?"
(No one buzzes)
GREG
No one? Hey Cindy, stop staring at Ryan's derraire; Brad, you too. We're playing a game here, people! The answer is "Yellowstone National Park." Ok, "Don't Manhandle my panhandle." What four states border Oklahoma's panhandle?
(Brad buzzes)
GREG
Bradley, your sideburns remind me of a young Elvis...
NESSA
...and his belly reminds me of an old Elvis...
ASHLEY
Hey! At least he doesn't look like an aging Buddy Holly!
GREG
I'd love to argue, Pippy, but I'm a little busy being a grown up right now. Brad?
BRAD
Texas, New Mexico, Colorado, and Kansas.
GREG
Now see, when manhandling is mentioned, Brad perks right up!
BRAD
Hey! Picking on my fans is one thing, but picking on me, now that's another.
GREG
Yeah, its easier. OK, Bradley, you know I love you like a brotha', but we'll talk about that later. The next subject is
German Literature. The categories AM: "Can't keep a good Mann down" and "Was it as Goethe for you as it was for me?"
Brad, keep it real and choose.
BRAD
Was it as Goethe for you as it was for me?
GREG
Yes it was, and thanks for asking... What is the English name of the famous work by Goethe, "Die Leiden des jungen
Werthers?"
(Nessa buzzes)
GREG
Pumpkin?
NESSA
The Sorrows of Young Werther.
GREG
Absolutely right, my precious angel! The last question, for which novel did Thomas Mann with the 1929 Nobel Prize in
Literature?
(Colin buzzes)
GREG
Yes, Col?
COLIN
(mumbles something bizarre in German)
GREG
Oh, so wrong. Whosers?
(Nessa buzzes)
GREG
Ja?
NESSA
Buddenbrooks.
GREG
Of course! DUH! Hmmm... time for the rest of you to try some literature that doesn't require you to turn the pages with
just one hand. As we go to our first commercial break, the score is Whosers - 500; WL Players - 300.
(Greg wanders over to the WL Players' podium and points to their score and shakes his head. Colin and Brad shrug and Ryan points to his buzzer and pretends to seek assistance from the stage crew.)
COMMERCIAL
(Greg is again behind the 'VS." podium)
GREG
Welcome back to VS. my little kidlets. The Whosers have stalked into a 500 to 300 lead, let's see if the WL Contestants can catch up. Before we go on, I've gotta ask ya, Whosers, what is so freaking great about the show that would make you go to the bizarre and sad lengths you do?
ASHLEY
Well..it's a funny show....LOTS of people like it....We're NOT freaks.
GREG
Yeah, people LIKE the show. There's a fine line between LIKE and . . . you. WL Performers, what do you think of the Whosers?
RYAN
Nutso.
COLIN
Freaky.
BRAD
That one (pointing to Ashley) needs to stop hugging me.
(audience awwwws....Whosers pout)
COLIN
No, no, we appreciate their support, but there's such a thing as too much support . . . especially when it involves pinching certain butts.
NESSA
You know you like it, funny man!
RYAN
We're just people! Get over it!
CINDY
But we still love you!
ASHLEY
And we're STILL gonna kick your asses! Oops...can I say that?
GREG
As long as that's all you do - moving on. In this round we will focus on your two very, very, very different worlds. You may a choose a question from your own category or poach a question from the other teams. Answering your own question will earn you
200 pinukels, answering your opponent's will get you 400 sh-na-nas. Incorrect answers mean you lose 200 clams. This is a timed round, so there is straGety involved. The first category for the Whosers, am: "I've heard of Hotdog-on-a-Stick, but this is ridiculous." and for the WL Performers: "My mom had to change my diaper every time I Prooped."
(audience groans)
GREG
I don't write the news, I just report it with witty flair. Vanessa, my home slice, you answered correctly last, will you please select.
NESSA
Greg, I'll poach from the guys: "My mom had to change my diaper every time I Prooped."
GREG
(laughs) (mumbling) You guys (motioning to the WL players) had better get this one. "On what day was the amazingly talented and devilishly good-looking Greg Proops born?"
(Vanessa buzzes)
GREG
Yes, my pet?
NESSA
October 3, 1959 in Phoenix, Arizona at six thir......
(Ashley pokes Nessa, audience titters, Nessa stops)
GREG
Correct! (looks at the WL players) Boys, we're supposed to be friends, I expect a big box of Godiva come October. Our next WL Performers category am: "A Mr. Brady who's NOT gay."
(audience oooohs..)
GREG
Oh get over yourselves - waa waa! Vanessa, you scare me way much, which will it be?
NESSA
"I've heard of Hotdog-on-a-Stick but this is ridiculous."
GREG
"Which friendly WL tapings page has been put "on a stick" by Whosers?"
(Colin buzzes)
GREG
Yes...Colin?
COLIN
That would be Fabian.
(audience ooohs...)
GREG
Scarily correct Colin, my precious. How did you know that?
COLIN
Oh you find some interesting things surfing the web.
RYAN
Computers are evil.
COLIN
But there's free porn and lots of it.
RYAN
Really??
GREG
Moving ON. The new category under Whosers is: "Hey! Who cut the cheese?"
(audience groans)
GREG
Oh yeah, like every word out of YOUR mouths is a gem. Colin, your knowledge is bizarre and your mouse is overworked, select.
COLIN
We'll take "Hey! Who cut the cheese?"
GREG
Going for the poach. "Which WL player uttered the phrase. 'Nicholas Parson's covered with cheddar cheese' in a song?"
(silence)
(Ryan buzzes)
GREG
Yes Ry?
RYAN
Chip Esten?
GREG
Oh, so wrong. Whosers?
(Ashley buzzes)
GREG
Yes princess?
ASHLEY
Mike McShane....I believe he was singing to YOU, Ryan. (giggles)
GREG
Correct and so cold, girlfriend! New category is: "You know you've been on the show too many damn times when...." Ashley, choose or perish.
ASHLEY
We'll poach.
GREG
A non-gay Mr. Brady it is. Brad and Cindy, feel free to be ALIVE. "What is the name of the group with which WL performer Wayne Brady performs?"
(Cindy buzzes)
GREG
She lives! Yes Cindy?
CINDY
The Honkeys!
GREG
Um......I need more information.
CINDY
Ack...um...I.......eek.......
(time buzzer)
GREG
I'm sorry, times up, but way to show some signs of life. Performers?
(Brad buzzes)
GREG
He lives as well. Yes, Brad?
BRAD
The Houseful of Honkeys.
GREG
Yip. New WL Contestant, category am: "Games that won't get you arrested or pregnant." Brad, you showed us that prettyboys can be smart too, please pick.
BRAD
I'll take that "Games that won't get you arrested or pregnant."
GREG
But what fun are those? The kestion am: "What is another term for improv games?"
(Ryan buzzes)
GREG
Ryan?
RYAN
Handles.
GREG
Yes! Our new WL player category is: "Sports that don't involve showering with naked men afterwards." Ryan, your gargantuan size and Doogie Howser looks confuse and amaze, will you pick?
RYAN
Poach.
GREG
Poach away. "What performer has appeared on WL the most number of times?"
(Nessa buzzes)
GREG
Yeas Vanessa.
NESSA
Ryan Stiles!
GREG
Correct! Hmm..one would think that say, oh, I don't know, YOU'D know that one, Ry.
RYAN
My buzzer is broken.
CINDY
He can have mine.
GREG
Down girl! Moving on. Next Whoser category up, is: "Just because I don't like women, that doesn't mean I'm Gae-llic." Precious angel, select.
NESSA
I have to go with the Gaelic one.
GREG
That's my favorite defense. "What are the qualifications for being a Gaelic sister?"
(silence)
(Colin buzzes)
GREG
Uh huh?
COLIN
Who the hell knows??
GREG
Close, but - WRONG.
(Ashley buzzes)
GREG
Yo homes.
ASHLEY
Who the hell cares??
GREG
Yes! Who knew? New category. "Pompous gits other than Rush Limbaugh."
ASHLEY
I'll take that one.
GREG
Pompous gits. (breaths in)
(Cindy buzzes)
(Greg starts)
GREG
Love, I haven't read the question yet.
CINDY
John Sessions.
GREG
Great googly moogly, that's ... right.
(audience ooohss)
GREG
All we have left is the WL Performers categories. "Who is credited with developing the form of improv known as Theatersports?"
(ding sounds)
(no one buzzes)
GREG
That sound means we have a minute left. Audience?
(audience: KEITH JOHNSTONE!)
(performers go "duh!")
ASHLEY
Well, actually.....
GREG
Speak and die. Last category is: "I'm just Wilde about gay homosexual man sex."
(audience reacts)
GREG
How well the writers know me. "Which former WL performer was nominated for a Golden Globe for his role in Wilde?"
(Colin buzzes)
GREG
Colin!
COLIN
Stephen Fry.
GREG
Absolutely! That ends our special knowledge round; as we go to commercial, the Whosers have 1500 bucks, the WL performers have 1100. When we come back, the show will be decided and heads will roll - stay put!
(Greg wanders over to the Whosers' podium and chit chats, as Nessa stares dreamily at him.)
COMMERCIAL
(Greg is positioned between two, now smaller, podiums with contestants behind them. On his right is Ashley and on his left is Brad. The other contestants are lined up in the background.)
GREG
Welcome back to VS. Right now, the Whosers are leading the WL Players by their handles 1500 to 1100. After this round the winners leave in a pathetic blaze of glory, the losers leave and take a diverted route home so no Whosers follow, but they won't leave empty handed, right Joe?
JOE
That's right, Greg! Our LOSERS will each be taking home their very own muffin making machine! Guaranteed to cook up
piping hot muffins for your personal enjoyment! Comes with a number of intriguing accessories for the cook inside us all! From
Swoon Inc. the makers of Spudmuffin©! Back to you Greg!
GREG
Joe, love love me do?
JOE
Later my pet!
GREG
Ok, Ashley, Brad, this is the lightning round. I will ask you three questions. Each correct answer gets you 250 lira, each wrong answer means you lose 250. You'll then switch out and Colin and Vanessa will be up, and so on. Do you have any questions and or comments?
ASHLEY
You're going down, bub!
BRAD
Never....I might get arrested...
ASHLEY
Aw come on...I told you. I'm 18 now!
GREG
Oh my, my, kids these days! Here we go. All of the questions can be answered by one of these three terms: Colin, Kelvin, or Studmuffin. Colin...Kelvin...Stud...muffin. Are
you ready??
BRAD
I will be as soon as you tell Ashley that THAT is not her buzzer.
(Ashley grins sheepishly)
GREG
You're odd and intriguing. First question: "Once appeared on the kid's show Goosebumps."
(Ashley buzzes)
GREG
Ashley.
ASHLEY
Colin.
GREG
Yes. "A synonym for an attractive man."
(Ashley knows this, but waits to make Brad say it)
(Brad reluctantly buzzes)
GREG
Yes Brad.
BRAD
Stud...muffin.
(Ashley grins triumphantly)
GREG
Yes. "Brad Sherwood."
(Ashley buzzes)
GREG
Ashley...
ASHLEY
STUDMUFFIN!
GREG
Yip! Switch out. (Players switch out) All right. "Absolute zero is measured by this."
(Nessa buzzes)
GREG
Vanesssa.
NESSA
Brad Sherwood!
BRAD / ASHLEY
Hey!
GREG
Funny, but no. Colin?
COLIN
Kelvin?
GREG
Not as funny, but yes. "Anna Nicole Smith's ample cleavage is her trademark...."
(Colin buzzes)
GREG
Yes, Colin.
COLIN
Studmuffin?
GREG
No. I'll finish the question. " . . . just as a bald head is this man's trademark." Vanessa?
NESSA
Colin.
GREG
Correct. "Temperatures may rise when...."
(Vanessa buzzes)
NESSA
Studmuffin.
GREG
" . . . this type of man walks into the room." Studmuffin is correct. Switch out.
(Ryan and Cindy switch out with Colin and Vanessa)
(Cindy stands starstruck staring at Ryan the whole time. Ryan darts his eyes back and forth, distracted by Cindy's stares.)
GREG
"Even follically challenged men can be considered this."
(Ryan buzzes)
GREG
Ryan.
RYAN
Studmuffin.
GREG
Yes. "Best friends with Celsius and Fahrenheit, it's used more commonly in labs to measure temperature."
(Ryan buzzes)
GREG
Ryan.
RYAN
Kelvin.
GREG
Yes. Oh how disturbing...."Often synonymous with 'nice package', he doesn't know Whosers are looking at his."
(Cindy buzzes; Greg starts)
GREG
Yes my angel?
CINDY
COLIN!!!!!!
GREG
Sadly yes! The Whosers have $2500 and the WL contestants have $1850. The Whosers win! When we come back, we'll see how smart the Whosers REALLY are, in the final round of 'VS'!
(Greg struts his way slowly towards the camera as he says this and tosses his blue 'VS' cards into the camera.)
COMMERCIAL
(Greg stands on the stage, close to the big question screen, with Cindy, Nessa, and Ashley lined up next to him. Ryan, Colin, and Brad are on the other side of the stage, huddled up behind the a single, small podium.)
GREG
Welcome back to VS. Sadly, or happily, the Whosers are our winners!
(audience applauds)
GREG
But hey! You guys get the muffin maker, right?
BRAD
No muffins.
GREG
Ok! The Whosers have won a grand total of $2500 and now we will give them the chance to win an extra 1000 clams in
this, the GRAND Fin-AL. I will ask them one question from a category of their choosing. They will be given 10 seconds to
confer, if they get it wrong however, the WL Performers will have the chance to answer. Whosers, your choices am: "Stuff that
no Whosers would know" OR "Stuff that only Whosers would be strange enough to know." Ashley, you are the team captian,
what will it be?
ASHLEY
We'll take the second one, Greg.
GREG
Excellent choice. ::ahem:: The question is: What was the name of the stage manager for the 1998 British episodes of
WLiiA? taped in L.A.? You have 10 seconds.
(Whosers confer; Greg walks to camera)
GREG
You know, they say that when you get famous, young women will hurl themselves nakedly against your hotel windows begging for ..... sorry, I gotta go.
(Greg skips back to the stage and plants himself right next to the Whosers.)
GREG
Ok Whosers, your time is up. I need your answer.
ASHLEY
Jon Hill??
GREG
Yes! The 1000 is yours, making your grand total $3500! (walking towards camera; speaking in cheesy evangelist voice)
Well, Brothers and sisters, I hope you enjoyed our fine battle of wits and bits tuh-day. Puh-leasse join us...
(The WL players are motioned down from behind their podium. They walk down to the Whosers and all the shake hands.)
...tomarra, unless by some miracle we git canceled! If we're still here, you'll see Necrophiliacs VS. Nymphomaniacs! It'll be a rocking good time! Goodnight!
(Greg returns to the group of Whosers and players. Vanessa runs over and gives him the biggest hug...and won't let go. Ashley looks longing at the hug and then looks pathetically at Brad. He gives into the puppy dog eyes and gives her a hug. Cindy stands staring at Ryan, transfixed to the spot. Colin stands nearby watching intently. The two (Ryan and Colin) begin to gag it up, in hopes of causing some sort of movement in her. Finally, they creep up on either side of her and give her a kiss on the cheek. Cindy promptly faints and Ness and Ash leave their hugs to go check on her. At the last second, they both hop up and give Brad and Greg a little kiss on the cheek which causes them to fall over Cindy-like. Fade to black.)
Screen grabs courtesy of GrabTV
"Vs." logo courtesy of Samantha Brocklebank
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