Welcome to Ask Max home of the worlds least sensitive Agony Uncle, Max the rabbit. He's here to answer your every question. If you want to play Ask Max just send a message by filling in the form and the best questions will be answered here within a few days. Here are some of the questions Max has dealt with:

Dear Max,

I have beem eating a solid diet of cheese for the last six months and I fear that even if I wanted to I couldn't stop. I have discovered that several of my organs and many of my limbs have been mutated into slimy blocks of cheese. My girlfriend has dumped me because of my permenant cheesy type smell. I need help before I totally transform into a being made of dairy products.

Austin Armatys

Why disrupt this wonderous evolution of nature - let the cheese take over. Think of the fun to be had from your mouldy milk disposition. You can spook cows with your cheesy odour, and you have an intangible advantage when applying for the role of The Man In The Moon at your local stage production - should the need arise. Best of all if you get hungry you are carrying a delicious and nutrious food source on you so if ever you get hungry you can nibble your little finger (don't worry, it will grow back - I've tried!). Just stay well away from mice!

Dear Max,

I seem to have a good deal of difficulty staying awake at the wheel on road trips to visit women who turn out to be lesbians. I've wrecked three cars and run over countless woodland creatures. As much fun as it has been its becoming a financial burden. Any tips on staying awake?

Louis J Michaels

Simple Louis, don't go visit the women. That way you can wreck cars and splatter harmless woodland animals while still awake! You may also wish to bring along a video camera so you can watch those collisions again and again.

Dear Max,

I have a cat named Dusty. The only problem is every time I am watching television and I get up to get a snack, when I come back down Dusty is sitting in my spot. What should I do?

Sam Lehnert

I have to admit I was a little stumped at this one for a while. I've never had a cat long enough to see it sit down. You are missing out on endless hours of amusement if you aren't playing Cat Baseball. Instead of letting the dumb feline sit down grab it by the tail, take it to the ball park and try walloping the baseball with the moggie. You'll find the ball will go a long way if you let it make contact with the cat's skull. I have scored numerous homers this way! Getting down to your problem, just as you leave the room carefully place a spot of glue on the seat. Then come back a little while later and enjoy the fun as you see your cat struggle to free its ass from your sofa. Once you've finished laughing at Dusty detach her and send her to me. I could do with a snack....!

Dear Max,

I am a big fan of yours. Anyway, I have a question for you. I have become obsessed with eating Valentine candy Conversation Hearts. I find that I can't make it through a day without them. Since Valentine's Day is over my supply is going to run out very soon. What should I do?

Lisa Sneller

I can sympathise with you Lisa. A few months back I became addicted to domestic cat liver. It all started innocently enough, just removing the organ from dead kitties killed while I was at work (accidentally of course) but then the craving got worse. The only solution is to move on to something new. Once the population of felines dropped suspiciously in my neighbourhood I changed my culinary tastes to fish eyes. I should imagine they would be rather similar to the candy you are obsessed with now. You can't beat that chewy texture, with a crunch in the middle. Give em a try!

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Dear Max,

I need a very good April Fools Day joke to play on a family member. I am thinking of putting my sister's hand in warm water while she is sleeping. I need an excellent one to play on my Father. I want something that will make him sleep with the lights on for the rest of his life. Thank you Killer of Cats.

Seymore Buttz

You have kinda answered your own question there Seymore. Carefully place your sister's hand in a bowl of water on your fathers bed when he is sleeping. Imagine his surprise when he awakes to see his daughters limb lying next to him. This will only shock, amaze, and astound if you make sure your sister's hand is no longer connected to her body. Actually this is two pranks in one cos when your sister gets up in the morning she may be even more surprised than your father!

Dear Max,

Its inspiring in this day and age to know that there exists one so cute and marketable and yet so painfully true-to-life as a seven car collision. When and how did you make the move from full-time fluffy bunny to the nations personal ambassador of wanton distruction?

Jonathon A. B*st*rd

I don't like to talk about my past much; I have some painful childhood memories (that is to say I inflicted a great deal of pain of a large number of children). My existance only ever gained any real meaning when I met Sam. Oh, and I regard myself as 'fluffy' to the same extent that you regard yourself as 'the highest intelligent species' - if a dog and a rabbit can solve the case of the missing Bigfoot then there must be something wrong with the human race. That is why I am sure you will be supportive in my late entry into the American Presidential Race. How can I fail with our slogan:

Dear Max,

I'm not too sure what to do to my sick-little-wombat of a sister. I would like to do something completely deranged but I am not as insane as you are. I would like your expert opinion on this. She has a pet Guinea Pig if thats any use.

Jimmy Van Strander

I am a little confused Jimmy, why would you want to harm your sister? Lets take a look at the Max the Rabbit Constitution of Required Violence:

i. The subject in question is small, furry, and irritating.
ii. The subject in question is a talentless country for singer from Liverpool.
iii. The subject in question is withholding information of use.

Now unless your sister has an embarrasing hair growth problem I am not aware of then she does not qualify. So we'll have to bring in the fourth amendment:

iv. The subject in question is a living being therefore susecptable to acts of senseless violence.

In which case send the Guinea Pig to Charles Walton (see below) and I'm sure he'll sort it out!

Dear Max,

I have been shooting squirrels ever since I was seven years old. I shoot them about 5 times each, just to make sure they are dead, then I put them in a plastic bag and put them out for the garbage men to dispose of. What is your opinion of my behaviour?

Charles Walton

PS - I have a little brother who is a pain. What should I do with him?

Quite frankly I, as well as doubtless numbers of other readers, are disgusted with your behaviour. For the benefit of any young children reading it is morally wrong and irresponsible to shoot poor defenseless squirrels. Everyone knows that whenever you visit the park you should always bring along a bag of peanuts to feed the creatures just in case they get hungry. You'll find it far more satisfying to feed them than shoot them - especially if you have taken the liberty to hollow out the nuts and fill them with TNT. You can then have the fun of watching the little buggers spontaneously combust! Bring your friends - heck bring the whole family. Maybe then you might care to give one to your little brother too!

Dear Max,

Do you have any suggestions for what to do at my family reunion? Should I freeze my grandmother's whole body or just her head when she dies? And what should I get my girlfriend for her birthday? I know you will give a great suggestion.

John Rogers

PS - She is a vegetarian.

Why wait for your grandmother to die before you freeze her, John? To brighten up your family gathering why not grab your gran while she is asleep (and probably drooling through her false teeth) and carefully place her in your freezer, covering her in packets of frozen peas to make sure she doesn't thaw out. As for your girlfriend, being a rabbit I can identify with the limitations of being a vegetarian. I have found it is still possible to have a diet consisting of more than just carrots and lettice leaves. Being a veggie means not eating *meat* but there are a number of tasty alternatives. For instance after your gran has been in the freezer for a few days take her out and gently remove her frozen eyeballs with a fork. Resting in the eye sockets you will find a liquid that when defrosted produces a beautifully exotic cocktail. It may be from a human but it is not meat, so your girlfriend can happily drink the substance. Believe me, its delicous.

Dear Max,

I think my cat Tiddles may be unwell. All she does is sleep all day, and she is getting really boring. Is there anything you can suggest to make my cat a bit more exciting?

Julie Miles

Gut the pussy! While she's asleep gently slide your hand down her throat and pull out her insides. You should find that each cat's inners should be just enough to string a tennis racket. Do the same to all the other cats in the neighbourhood and you will be able to stage a mini-Wimbledon tournament.

And don't forget you can always use the fur to create a warm, realistic toupee. Should one be needed...

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Opinions expressed in this column are solely those of Max, and to be honest we suggest you don't follow them!