New Items from Diablo Labs

This page is temorarily formated with the items corresponding to the shows from which they originated. Diablo Labs is sorry for the inconvenience, and will alter the page within the next few days.

Never No more
JukeBox: Been Missing your significant other on those long voyages though the intergalactic Void? Well, Never No More!!! You can play all of those songs that you and your Honey listened to together, all those years ago. You'll be able to fondly remember the last dance you had with your boyfriend, as you turned him down for marriage while reading his death notice again and again.

Tun Tavern Playset: Hey Marine!!! Just lose your whole squadron? Did you get turned down by that hot Lt. Col. for the Zero-G Chamber? Had a hard day killing Chigs? Well look no further than to the Diablo Labs Tun Tavern Playset to help you drown your sorrows! Decorate the Tun Tavern in any motif that you feel appropriate, and watch your action figures do the "off-duty" thing. Not responsible for and "collateral damage" that may be caused by intoxicated action figures. Chig Foosball, Bottle-o-Scotch, and Anihilatted Squadron Patches not included.

Zero G Chamber!!! Quite possibly the most usefull item that you may purchase from our catalog, the Zero G Chamber fulfills a multitude of family needs in the 21st century. Want to make that "perfect" chemical that Junoir needs for his party? Need to put the little ones away for some "time out" where they wont tear up the furniture? Have to house train your new pet? The Zero G Chamber is the answer to your problems and more! Its just the thing you need to rekindle the smoulding ashes of your "intimate" life with your significant other. Velcro straps, wall padding, and flannel lined leather restraints not included. Season Passes available for local chambers conviently located near you.

Olive Manipulation Manuel!!! Have you used up your liqour allowance this month? Want to get that last bit of Vodka from your drink? Want to impress the other Marines with your pimento sucking? Well, our Olive Manipulation Manuel is just the thing you need! In just a few short weeks, you too will be sucking like the best of them! Advanced techniques include Pit Spitting for Distance, and Basic Chewing for Marines.

Chig Whistles!!! Have you ever been just cruising along with your assigned vehicle, when all of a sudden, WHAM!!! You have just run over another Chig! Whats a Marine to do? Well Diablo Labs thought long and hard (and spent quite a bit of the Defense Department's money) and came up with the Solution! Chig Whistles fit on any vehicle, whether it is APC, SA-43, or Space Carrier, and boy does it keep those Chigs safely out of your way! Never again will you have to worry about repainting or repairing your transportation after a messy impact!. Includes 12 volt adaptor, and multiple frequency scanner/transmiter so you can get all those recalcitrant Chigs out of your way.

MIRG!!! Feeling a little out of touch with your patrols? Want to know what is going on that out of the way planet? Getting ready to launch that major invasion? Diablo Lab's MIRG is the way to go. Each of our Miniature Intelligence and Reconnaissance Gathering sattelites is fully state of the art and packed with everything up to and including the kitchen sink (available with single or double faucet knobs). Cell Phone and Stealth Commo links and Software Upgrades available from our website when upgraded to all registered MIRG Users as soon as they finish beta testing. Be the first one on your block to compete with the major Networks! Rumors of pirated Registration Key Code Generators are completely false. Honest. We swear. Not to be used to make illegal long distance calls, or pirating of cable broadcasting.

 

TAA

Bottle O' Scotch!!! Just the accessory that you need for your Tun Tavern Playset, the Bottle O' Scotch is a multi-purpose item, suitable for many situations! Tap the Bottle O' Scotch whenever you need something to hit the spot. We take each bottle and age it in our vaults for over a week, and then ship them out in stasis so that they are not disturbed in any way shape or form. We at Diablo Labs want you to enjoy each drop of alcoholic bliss, especially since you paid for it. Not for use while operating heavy machinery, flying spacecraft, or steering the Saratoga.

"Poker For Tanks" Everyone has heard the old adage of how InVitro's used up all of their luck making it out of the tanks. Well, thanks to Diablo Labs Gambling and Moral Welfare Division, now every Tank can be a Lucky Tank!! In just 30 days you too can win at most card games. Yes, now you too can achieve your very own poker face and win, instead of having a Tank Grin and losing everything up to your neck nipple. Disclaimer: Diablo Las is not responsible for any actions taken before, during, or after use of this product. While you may have been born at 18, you are still and adult.

Chig Foosball!! Have you ever just wanted to really get those darn Chigs, but didn't want to go out into the battlefieldto do so? Well, if you are a member of the rear echelon, then Diablo Labs has a product for you!!! our Chig Foosball will make you feel like you are making a difference. Each time you score, you'll feel that much better about the squad that got killed that day. And when you win, Diablo Lab's Patented Dissolve action has the losing team ooze down into the built in drains, (like every Chig should) to be molded into new players later. For an additional $500, we will even include the McQueen Plumber kit in case the drain is clogged! Get yours today, or face another night of Parcheesi!

Betty Crockers Guide to Combat Brownies! A must have for every combat arms soldier, this manual has much more than just brownie recipies, it's a guide to survival in the worst of conditions! You will wonder how you ever got along without it! Next time you are on planet, be sure to try any of the following recipies: Chig on a Stick, Marine Pot Pie, Chipped Beef on Chig Toast, Sod Flakes, and Sugar Dirt!!! Some Mixing required.

Butterfly Knife!!! Next time that you have a recalcitrant A.I. on your hands, turn to Diablo Labs to provide your interrogation accessories! Each butterfly knife is guarenteed to put some fear into those A.I.s who just refuse to talk. The Butterfly knife is especially satisfying when they start to prattle on about the Ho Chi Minh Accords and other such drivel. After all, who needs morals when you have Diablo Labs!!!

Sewell Fuel!!! If your fuel budget is running a little low, and you just have to get to the Epsilon Erendi System to fight off those Chigs, then Diablo Labs has the answer that you need. Sewell Fuel is self perpetuating, recyclable, environmentally friendly (unless exploding), and powerful. Each piece is lovingly harvested from the Kazbek Penal Colonies (Your Tax Dollars at work!!) and brought to our processing centers, where it is inspected, purified, and hand polished into the amazing fuel source of the millenium. One head (human) sized chunk is enough to power a Space Carrier for a decade, so it is well worth the inital investment. Not to mention all the time you will save in the filling station. So go out and visit your local Diablo Labs Refinery and Food Mart today, and get yourself your own little piece of Kazbek!

Sewell Fuel Missiles!!! OK, let us get this straight. You tell us that you are flying up against this High Speed, Low Drag Chig Super FIghter. It's popping out of the woodwork, coming from nowhere, and eating squadrons for lunch. It killed your girlfriend, your team mates, and now your new squadron is next on the rotation? Well my friend, it sounds like the Sewell Fuel Missile is the answer that you need. Each missile is guaranteed not to explode when set afire due to acts of sabotage, and attaches easily to almost any plane. Can also be used for Fourth of July Celebrations, or Pest Control. Just make sure that you are out of its detonation range when it does go off!!!

Toy Soldiers

Motivational Speeches For Dummies!!! Are you tired of your men refusing to charge out into the face of overwhelming danger, facing insurmountable odds and certain death? Well maybe what you need is the Diablo Labs Motivational Speeches For Dummies Handbook! Harken back to the days when Battle was a nicer, more honorable affair, where men were men, and the enemies were stupid. Thousands of historical examples to choose from, so there is something for every occasion. Each Booklet is laminated and weather treated for durability, providing stain guards against any "unfortunate" spills that may occur. Has the Herrick Seal of Approval!!!

Diablo Labs Pouch, Human Remains, (One Each)!!! Also know as the Black and Gold Caddillac, Glad Bag, Zip Lock, Mummy Sack, or just plain old Body Bag, each one is pressure tested and leak proof, so no nasty internal/external fluids will leak through, barring actual rupture of the pouch. Take on on your next patrol for when it rains, or just to save the time of the Graves Registration Unit in your area.

T-140 Transistor!!! Next time you need to reach ou and touch someone, be sure that you have your spare T-140 Transistor. They are perfect for those little "unexpected" liasons that you need to arrange. Each one is small enough to fit in your hand, and fragile enough to break on command. And since they are a Diablo Labs Product, they are extremely expensive and vital to the operation of the unit. But who cares?!? When you need to talk, you need to talk!

 

Dear Earth

Strawberries in Heavy Cream!!! Remember how long you had to wait for the phone last time? Don't you wish there was a way that you could "grease the wheels" so to speak? Well Diablo Labs has your solution in each pack of Strawberries in Heavy Cream! Each package is hermetically sealed to ensure freshness, and satisfaction is guarenteed. Just one look at you sucking on a strawberrie and we guarentee that the fat ensign will leap to give up his place in line (and his marriage proposal)!!! Also, as an added bonus, you won't have to make any deals with unsavory charecters, or face the wrath of the Commodore. Comes in cases of twelve, or single packages.

Birth-O-Vision!!! Next time you call your sister, why not install Birth-O-Vision? You'll easily be able to defeat that V-Chip those meddling FCC agents installed, and be able to see all of the gruesome details, no matter what is happening. Imagine the suprise on your family's face when you call from the hospital Shock/ Trauma ward. See what your spouse is really doing while you are away. For a limited time, we'll also throw in Birth-O-Vision Screen Savers from memorable calls that we happend to accidentally monitor and record.

Birth Control Glasses!!! We all know just how hard it is to be in the Marine Corps in 2064. Everyone looks good, everyone has a perfect body, fab hair, and raging hormones. Well, now you will be able to fend off all those unwanted advances with only a slight disadvantage of incurring an eye injury. Never again will you have to drive away all the new ensigns with your M590 or a kbar. Simply slip on a pair of BCG's and you'll be sure to be spending your evenings alone.

Mailer ID!!! Before it comes time for you to go to the Great Marine Corps in the sky, be sure to invest in Diablo Labs Mailer ID, so that you can save your family the heartache of mistaken expiration notification. You can even personalize your Mailer ID to show just which family memeber has "gone on", or to say that they have all been reunited again!

Camera Crew!!! Due to the popularity of our Diablo Networks Fall Season, we have sent our Camera Crews everywhere in the galaxy to find the latest and the best in news and entertainment! From the Saratoga Showers, to the Bacchus Bordellos, Diablo Labs is there, with our eyes on you!! Simply fill out the attached form, and we'll send out a crew to your location as soon as we can.

Commodore Ross Sings the Blues!!! Old "Boss Ross" has got the blues, and now he is sharing them with you!!! Included are 14 smash hits including "Stolen Strawberries", "I want that lil geek", "Okah hey Day", "When I woke up this morning" and his popular cover of the Tina Turner song "Private Dancer". You've never seen the Commodore this way before, and chances are you never will again. Watchur6 sez "Buy now, it's the next best thing to buying war bonds!!!"

Boot Polish with Chigium X!!! Are those standard issue Marine Corps boots taking forever to break in? Use Diablo Labs Boot Polish with Chigium X and they will break in so quickly, you'll never notice that they went to decontamination!!! Even your friends will notice the difference, despite the awful odor. A thousand mirror shines in ever can, not to mention a thousand practical jokes waiting to happen.

Pearly

Battery Packs!!! Diablo Labs has managed to cram more power than ever before in every new battery pack. Each one is enough to commit treason over, especially when its your best friend's and squadron's lives at stake. Each one is photo rechargeable, and will power a Tank (Metal, not InVitro) for days, or a Silicate for hours, and we all know how those Feliciti Models suck power, don't we? Get yours today, and we will even throw in a free test per case of one thousand.

Tank Ditch!!! Never mind that the Chig Tanks use Contra Gravity to manuever, the Diablo Labs Tank Ditch is a wonderful tool to get them to go in the direction that you want them to. Simply Set up the M180 Demolition Device, trigger, and watch the Shaped Charge blast a hole into the ground!! Then, as the second stage ignited, the Cratering Charge makes your Instant Tank Ditch, Suitable for photographing and ambushes. Camoflage is left to the clever users. Great fun for Fourth of July parties, or building a backyard swimming pool!

Instant Coffee!!! Do you need that extra wake up punch that gets you moving in a hurry? Do you not have time to brew up your coffee, or prefer to eat it from the package in dehydrated form? Well soldier, look no further, Diablo Labs has reated the best all around Coffee Substitute. Each package has four times the caffiene of a normal cup of java, and no artificial colors to boot, so they are perfectly safe. Do not consume while preforming surgery, working around paranoids, or in a library.

Internal Fax/Modem For A.I's! Tired of getting the busy signal when you try to connect with the A.I. Network? Diablo Labs looked long and hard, and then we said, screw it! We want a Fax/Modem that fits our needs, and built it ourselves. Each modem is capable of insanely fast connect speed, and has user friendly features like call waiting, an answering machine, pager notification, and fax capabilities. Printer not included, however each A.I. already has a port for the paper to come out.

Fuzzy Dice!!! Every Vehicle needs a pair of these!! Our Fuzzy Dice are Scotch Guarded and made of Weather Proof GoreTex fabric, so that they can withstand the rigors of a combat environment just like you. Be sure to get a pair for your hammerhead today, supplies are limited. Buy now and get a free "Bunny" or "Pine" air freshener.

R+R

Bacchus Playset!!! The battle has been raging for what seems like forever, and you are feeling it. You have the thousand meter stare, battle fatigue, and are seeing squirrels and rabbits hopping on your wings. Whats a poor marine to do? We at Diablo Labs sympathize with your plight, and collaborated with Aerotech Industries to bring you the Bacchus Playset/ Pleasure Ship!! The Bacchus is everythig that you could hope to ever ask for, and then some. Pleasure is premiun here, and money talks. What you can only imagine, the Bachus can make happen. No Virtual Reality. No phony holodecks. Life on Bachus is what we call a "hands on" experience. Earth Forces Debit cards are accepted at all events, however you will find that cause is preferred at certain venues. Get one and get spanked today!!!

Grean Meanies!!! So you say that your InVitro's are getting out of hand. And you want to have something that keeps them in line, sedate, and harmless. Well Diablo Labs brewed up a special mix just for you. All of our Phylaphatamines are Tank Tested and FDA approved, but even if they weren't, we would sell them anyway!! After all, who cares about a few Tanks, right? Not us, and certainly not the government!

Alvin 1543!!! Now here is an A.I. that every family needs! Not only is he able to play pool and make Clint Eastwood quotes, he can even spank your kids (or you) when they have been naughty. "Handsome" Alvin can even pass for human if you let him! Alvin does come with shades, but for some reason a lot of our customers don't even want him to have clothes!!! Be sure to try out his stick and cue balls.

Teddy Krispin!!! The newest toy sensation from Diablo Labs, each Teddy Krispen is full of interactive fun for the kiddies. Plug in modules allow for "SuperSinge"® and "Smokin Fur!" ® so that you will be able to experience all of the joys of battle in your toddlers room. Watch with wonder as Teddy Krispen teachs your toddler useful phrases like "Hoorah!", "Die Chig!", and "Where's the beer?" Made of non flammable materials, we think.

 

StarDust

Teleprescence Rig!!! Some people wish that they didn't have to leave the house to do their jobs. We at Diablo Labs make these kind of wishes happen! With the advent of Teleprescence technology, mankind was able to do thousands of tasks that had to previously be left to hiedously expensive robots or A.I's. Now Diablo Labs has brought all of that home to you! You can send the kids to school without leaving you bed! You can go through the drive through without having to inhale everyone else's exhaust fumes! You can visit the inlaws, and not have to smell Uncle Lester's breath, and turn down the volume when your mother-in-law starts yabbering about you never amounting to anything again! Get yours today, or regret it tomorrow!

Dead-Body-O-Rama!!! Do you need a few dead body for an upcoming disimformation campaign? Looking for props for Halloween? Need a cadaver for Med school? Want to scare the bejesus out of yor friends? Well come on down to Diablo Labs' Dead-Body-O-Rama!!! We have corpses of every size, shape, creed, color, state of decay, and type of fatality! Perfect for parties, bar mitzvahs, and whenever you need an excuse for a wake.

 

Sugar Dirt

Suger Packets!!! An essential ingredient to Sugar Dirt, be sure to have plenty of these on hand when you get left behind. The are so good, you'll want to eat raw soil for them!!! Made of pure refined sugar, there is nothing else that will give you that quick high when you are feeling the need. Caution: Continued use may cause weight gain and cavities.

Marine Demoralization Kit!!! Everone knows that one of the best ways to defeat your enemy is to demorlaize them, and we here at Diablo Labs are going to show you how to do that in ten easy steps! We 'll teach you everything!! Lessons inlude "Attacking Colonies for Fun and Profit", "Booby Trap those Prisoners", "Torture Them Till They Talk", "Cut Up Cut Ups" and many more. Also included are handy phrases for your Psy-Ops like "Abe Lincoln is Dead!!" and "The Chicago Cubs Suck!!" A neccessity for every insurgent, aggressive non human, or federal worker.

Diablo Labs Communications Equiptment!!! Well, it finally happened. The Big Party came and went, and when all of the festivities died down, you got ditched on planet. Well have no fear, Diablo Labs Communication Equiptment is here!! Never again will you ave to forage around on a hostile planet, living in the o-club, eating sugar for every meal. Never again will you have to learn CHigese to order take out. never again will you pay more than 10 cents a minute for long distance (2 parsecs or more) calls. Diablo Labs Commo Gear is simply the finest and the best out there. Easy to use, easy to recharge (Just add light or water!) and just about indestructable. As an added feature, we have put a "false" malfunction setting on every piece of gear in case you would like to play a joke on the rest of the team. After all, 6 monthes down on planet can be pretty boring!

 

If They Lay Us Down To Rest

Pasty makeup!!! With Halloween coming up, every young kid these days wants to be a Chig!!! Well now you can be one up on them, by making yourself look like an unmasked one!!! Also perfect for the next Chig Keg Party that you and your fraternity want to crash. Not Responsible for any consequences when makeup peels, of Chig Chicks decide that you are irresistably cute.

GI Geequed Subscription!!! Hero to all Marines in 2064, Gi Geequed is the Soldier to be like!!! Each fun filled and informative issue shows Geeky killing, stapling, mauling, and mutilating Chigs in way that you never would have thought possible! Each issue is printed on non biodegradable mylar plastic sheets, so that you don't have to worry about hostile environments eating your comic before you get to red it. And those bloods stains wash right off!! Also, each issue has Geeky's health, beauty and hair care tips, as well as a special cooking section! For an extra 5 credits and issue, we'll even throw in a sound effects package, so that you can enjoy it even more! Start you subscription today!

"How not to Screw Up the Big Invasion" Flashcards!!! We all know how the young Marines of 2064 are talkative and loveable, but we also know that those charecteristics are not exactly conducive to Operational Security. Well commanders, now you don't need to worry, Diablo Labs is looking out for you as usual! Each Flashcard is printed in large, easy to read format, in small words that even a rifleman can understand. Never again will you have to suffer the heartache of the Chigs learning where you are going to hold the annual Marine Ball. Never again will they crash your tailgating parties! And abortive invasions are a thing of the past, they'll never know that you are coming!!! Comes in thousand unit cases, volume discounts apply.

 

Tell Our Moms We Done Our Best

Chig Containment Capsule!!! If you have ever had a Chig for a houseguest, you know that besides getting goo everywhere, and smelling really bad, they have a tendency to try to kill every human they can find. Well, with our Chig Containment Capsule, all of those concerns are a thing of the past. Each Capsule is made of a triple laminate of Lexan, Cobham 7 plexiglass/ ceramics, and DuPont Kevlar Spectra Shield Aramid Fibers, so none of them pesky Chigs will be able to break though. High end models even include locks on the doors.

Hooked on Phoniks (Chigese Edition)!!! Next time you have Chig House Guests, why not be a courteous host and use Diablo Lab's Hooked on Phoniks (Chigese Edition)? You are sure to avoid costly embarrasments like the massacre of your command staff when you use the handy video and flashcards in all 36 easy lessons. Once you start, you won't want to stop, especially when using the included translation software for creating SpaceNet Websites and ordering take out food. Try it the next time you are left behind after the invasion.

Cabbage!!! Its not just for Breakfast anymore!!! Each Head of Diablo Labs Cabbage has been grown hyroponically so that you get the maximum of nutrients that are allowed by law!!! Comes in Regular, or Unscented Variety (for InVitro's). Not responsible for inter- squad friction as a result of inadvertant product mislabeling, or deliberate ingestion of unsuitable products.

Accordion!!! Is the end of the war in sight? Need something to help you unwind? Well get naked and grab your accordian, you have a flight deck to dance on!!! Yes, even one legged colonels can use the accordian, and we at Diablo Labs even made our model easy for tank usage. Get yours today, or you'll pray for war!