BUT I DIGRESS
(Transcript of the Disney Heroine Round Table, 1992 Edition,
held in King Stefan's Banquet Hall at Disney World on Dec.
1, 1992, Snow White moderating.) 

   Snow: Well, this is all tremendously exciting. Every decade
or so, the nice folks at Disney sponsor a get-together with
all the lead actresses of recent animated features. This gives
us a chance to chat, exchange tips on how to clean house ... 

   Jasmine: Allah, give me strength. 

   Snow: ... and, over all, just get to know each other as girls. 

   Belle: Women. 

   Snow: Since I was the first full-length Disney heroine, they
generally ask me to moderate. And I'd like to welcome this
year's guests - Princess Jasmine from Aladdin ... 

   Jasmine: Is this going to take long? 

   Snow: Belle from Beauty and the Beast - and congratulations
again on that Best Picture nomination. 

   Belle: Thank you. We were robbed. Losing to a cannibal -
now, what does that say about society and its priorities? In
the words of Sartre ... 

   Snow: And, of course, Ariel from The Little Mermaid. 

   Ariel: It's exciting to meet you, Snow. 

   Snow: Thank you. Uhm, you're dripping on my clean floor. 

   Ariel: Oh. Sorry. 

   Snow: We were also going to be joined by Olivia Flaversham,
the plucky little heroine from The Great Mouse Detective.
But we had a bit of a mishap, because someone on the panel
couldn't control her rather large kitty cat. 

   Jasmine: Look, I already said I was sorry. I'm no happier
about it than anybody else. If the damned invitation had said
there were going to be mice running around, I wouldn't have
brought Rajah along in the first place. OK? Let's move on. 

   Snow: I must say, before we start, that I admit my breath
is a bit taken away by the changes in clothing styles for
Disney heroines. With your little harem outfit, Jasmine, and
you, Ariel, with your - shells - and both of you with all
that skin hanging out: It seems a trifle - what's the word? 

   Belle: Sluttish? 

   Ariel: Oh, well, thanks a lot! Big talk from someone whose
idea of a good time is sitting around in an apron talking to sheep. 

   Belle: You talk to fish. 

   Ariel: But they talk back. 

   Snow: Actually, I was going to say "daring" rather than
"sluttish." But this really brings us to our first point of
discussion: Namely, what do you think our role in movies today
should be? 

   Jasmine: I'll tell you what it shouldn't be. It shouldn't
be sitting around waiting for someone to "take you away from
it all." I mean, come on. Could you see me singing, "Some
day my prince will come"? Ack ack ack. 

   Snow: You don't have to stick your finger down your throat
and gag, Jasmine. It happens to be a lovely song. 

   Ariel: Jasmine's right. Life isn't something that happens
to you. Life is what you make happen. You have to take control.
That's what I did. 

   Jasmine: Me, too. 

   Belle: So did I. 

   Jasmine: Oh, sure. Right. 

   Belle: I did! Really! 

   Ariel: Sure you did. First you walked around town, looking
down your nose and talking about how provincial all these
hard-working villagers are and how there has to be more to
life than that. If Cruella De Vil had sung the exact same
thing, people would have said it was the most arrogant song
ever written. 

   Belle: But ... 

   Jasmine: And, while you said you want more out of life, you
didn't do anything to get it. 

   Belle: Yes, I did! I gave up my liberty, sacrificing for
my father! I promised I'd stay a prisoner in the Beast's
castle, forever! 

   Ariel: Uh huh. And how long was it before you went running
out the front door saying, "Promise or no promise, I can't
stay here another minute?" A week? A month? A year? 

   Belle: Uhm ... well, actually ... about three, four hours,
maybe. But there are such things as promises made under
duress, and they're not always binding. Perhaps it's
Machiavellian, but even so - 

   Jasmine: Well there's a woman of her word. Some heroine. 

   Snow: Ladies, I think we're getting off the topic. 

   Jasmine: Me, I defied my father. I had the guts to go
against what he said and run off. 

   Ariel: Your father. Heh. 

   Jasmine: What's that supposed to mean? 

   Ariel: The two of you with your fathers. You defied yours,
she sacrificed for hers. And you've both got these roly-poly,
cute, comedy-relief fathers. Me, I've got the King of the Sea
for mine. He throws around energy bolts and can bench press a
whale. I'm the only one with real guts here. 

   Belle: More guts than brains, that's for sure. Cutting
deals with the Sea Witch. There was a smooth move. Obviously,
if you'd ever read anything by Marlowe, you'd've realized
the folly of that. 

   Snow: Belle, who are all these people you're talking about? 

   Belle: Authors. Playwrights. Philosophers. Crack open a
book, why don't you? You, too, Miss Turkish Trunks. And you
too, Fishy. 

   Ariel: I read books. Human books. 

   Belle: Oh, right. You can't remember tough words like "feet"
and you don't know why fire burns. How'd they miss having you
on Jeopardy, I wonder. Oh, and here's a news flash for you:
It's a fork, OK? A fork. You eat food with a fork. You don't
comb your hair with it. If you combed your hair with it, it
would be called a comb, not a fork. All right, Einstein? 

   Jasmine: Some of us have royal duties to attend to and
don't have a lot of time for books. 

   Belle: That is so typical. You three are just typical
elitist examples of the societal class structure. All of you,
born to royalty. Bored children of privilege. 

   Snow: But you're royalty, too! At the end of the movie, you
married ... uh ... what was his real name? 

   Belle: I ... don't know. Besides, I was talking about being
born to entitlement. You lived your lives in castles, children
of kings and queens - or at least kings, since there never
seem to be any queens in Disney films. So you endured a couple
of days of hardship, dabbling in the sort of life that I lived
every single day, before you settled down with your prince.
It's disgusting. Particularly you, Ariel, who totally subverted
everything she was in order to be part of her man's world. 

   Ariel: Oh, yeah? You looked pretty comfortable strutting
around in that big yellow gown at the end. I didn't see you
fighting to remain a peasant. 

   Belle: That's all the underprivileged masses are to you, aren't
they? Peasants? The Proletariat. In the words of Karl Marx - 

   Ariel: Oh, Lord, here she goes again. 

   Snow: Actually, this presents us with a topic that might not
cause such bickering: Namely, what do you look for in a prince? 

   Ariel: Well, for me, it was love at first sight. I watched
him dancing, and talking, and ... I just knew. 

   Jasmine: "I just knew. I just knew." A guy flashes a smile
and a royal title at you, and you get mushy. Love at first
sight is a convenient excuse not to think. 

   Snow: Some of us, Jasmine, are fortunate enough to meet
our prince and be drawn to him immediately. Others of us turn
princes into kitty treats for our tigers. 

   Jasmine: Some of us, Snow, prefer thinking. Ariel, your
prince was heroic enough, but about as thick as a brick. 

   Ariel: Why, you ... 

   Jasmine: And you, Snow: You never so much as spoke to the
guy. How could you possibly have known he was the man for
you? What about him could possibly have drawn you to him? 

   Snow: If you want to know why I love him so, it's in his kiss. 

   Jasmine: That's where it is? 

   Belle: You're really pathetic, Snow, you know that? Not
that I can stand Ariel or Jasmine, but Eric defeated Ursula,
and Ariel went off with him. Aladdin defeated Jafar, and
Jasmine married Aladdin. But the dwarves ... 

   Snow: Dwarfs. 

   Belle: Whatever. ... risked their lives for you - they
adored you - and then some jerk prince comes along, gives you
three seconds of liplock, and you abandon the dwarves ... 

   Snow: Dwarfs. 

   Belle: Whatever! ... and go riding off with him. What an
ingrate. 

   Snow: *Sniff* 

   Ariel: Oh, great. Now you made her cry. 

   Jasmine: She's a big girl. She can take it. 

   Ariel: That's about the kind of empathy I'd expect from
someone who walks around in her pajamas all day. 

   Jasmine: Fish Face. 

   Ariel: Baklava Breath. 

   Belle: Ah, the upper class, displaying their typical - 

   Ariel and Jasmine: Shut up! 

   (A young blonde girl enters.) 

   Eilonwy: Excuse me? Am I too late for the meeting? 

   Snow: Who (sniffle) who are you? 

   Eilonwy: I'm Eilonwy. I'm a princess. 

   Belle: Oh, terrific. Another example of the - 

   Jasmine: I'm warning you, Belle: Rajah's still hungry. 

   Snow: I'm sorry, dear. You're who? 

   Eilonwy: Princess Eilonwy. 

   Snow: Well ... I don't know who sent you here, but this is
for Disney heroines. 

   Eilonwy: But I am a Disney heroine. I was in The Black
Cauldron. 

   (Blank stares from everyone.) 

   Ariel: The what? 

   Eilonwy: Based on "The Chronicles of Prydain" books ... 

   Snow: Books? Belle, I hate to ask ... 

   Belle: Oh, right, now they come groveling. 

   Jasmine: Rajah! Time for din - 

   Belle: OK, OK. It was a fantasy series by Lloyd Alexander. 

   Eilonwy: Right! And I was in the movie! 

   Jasmine: What movie? 

   Eilonwy: Oh, come on, didn't anyone see it? 1985? 80 minutes
long? Supposed to usher in a new era of Disney animation? 

   Ariel: Actually, my film did that. 

   Jasmine: Oh, aren't we full of ourselves. 

   Eilonwy: Sword-and-sorcery epic? There was me and Taran the
assistant pig-keeper, and Fflewddur Fflam ... 

   Jasmine: You must be joking. 

   Snow: No, wait! I remember now. I got a ticket for an advance
screening. But I was busy that night, so I sent Happy instead. 

   Eilonwy: What did he think? 

   Snow: He hated it. I've never seen Happy complain that much
- or at all. But he just kept talking about how awful it was.
Grumpy finally had to slap him. 

   Eilonwy: That's not fair! We were groundbreaking! 

   Belle: Poor spoiled princess, just like all the others. Boo-hoo. 

   Jasmine: That's it. Rajah! 

   Rajah: Rawwrrrrr!! 

   Belle: Eeeeeekk!! 

   (Sebastian walks in.) 

   Sebastian: Ariel, da king wants to know how long - eeepp! 

   Rajah: Raarrrr! 

   Belle: Let me out! Let me out! 

   Sebastian: Ohhh, mon! 

   Ariel: Put him down! I mean it! 

   Jasmine: Pajamas, huh? 

   Snow: You know, these discussion groups used to be fun. Me
and Cindy, we'd sit and chat for hours. Sure, Aurora would
keep dozing off ... 

   Belle: Shut up! Knock off that high-pitched little-girl
voice! It's making me nuts! And get me the hell out of here! 

   Snow: Well, I hope you'll all join us for our next
discussion group - 

   Sebastian: Arrrieellll! 

   Rajah: *Chomp* *Chomp* 

   Ariel: Jasmine! Make him spit him out! Right now! 

   Snow: It's going to be called, "Life's a Bitch, and So Am I."
Participants will be Lady from Lady and the Tramp, Perdita
from 101 Dalmatians, and Georgette from Oliver and Company.
I'm sure the fur will really fly. Thanks for coming. Hi ho, hi ho. 

   Rajah: *Urrrp*

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