Dr. Katz analyzes the X-files gang! By Jesse Glaspey Scully: Excuse me, I'm here to see Dr. Katz. Laura: Mm-hmm. And? Scully: Is he ready to see me? Laura: I don't know. Go ask him. Scully: Isn't that your job? Laura: Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Scully: You are a very obnoxious and dismissive young woman! Laura: So? Scully: Ever consider joining the FBI? ******** Mulder: Do you believe? Dr. Katz: In what exactly? Mulder: Do you believe? Dr. Katz: (Pauses) Is this a trick question? Mulder: No. Dr. Katz: What do you want to find out I believe in? Santa Claus? God? Love? Aliens? Dracula? Mulder: Yes. Dr. Katz: You're quite the enigma, Fox. Mulder: Mulder. And thank you. ******** Cancer Man: Do I intimidate you? Dr. Katz: A little. Yes. Cancer Man: Would I look less fearsome in a sweater? Dr. Katz: I think so. Cancer Man: I think I'd look good in one! Get a little pink V-neck cardigan Dr. Katz: Like Mr. Rogers. Cancer Man: (singing) It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood! It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Dr. Katz: Maybe get a kitten. Cancer Man: Don't push it, Couch boy! Dr. Katz: Sorry. ******** Scully: Dr. Katz, I'm quitting the FBI. Dr. Katz: Really? What are you going to do? Scully: I'm joining the Spice Girls. Dr. Katz: (Shocked) Holy! Which one will you be? Scully: Scientific Spice. ******** Mulder: People make fun of me. They call me Mr. Monotone. Dr. Katz: Have you tried changing your voice? Mulder: (Talking like Michael Jackson) Like this doctor? Do I sound monotonous? Dr. Katz: Now you sound irritating. Mulder: (Talking like Barry White) Now how about this? (Dr. Katz: is silent) Mulder: Your silence answers all my questions. ******** Krycek: No one likes me. I keep getting beat up. Dr. Katz: Do you have any idea why? Krycek: Maybe because I lie, murder, cheat and double-cross everyone I meet. Dr. Katz: Hmm. Any other reasons? Krycek: Are you being sarcastic? Dr. Katz: We're not here to talk about me. Krycek: You're being sarcastic! I knew it! Dr. Katz: You should add paranoia to your list of problems. Krycek: Now you're being mean! I'm getting ANGRY! Dr. Katz: Do you need a time out? Krycek: Maybe. (Begins to cry like a little girl) Dr. Katz: There, there. Let it out. Krycek: Can I get a hug? (Dr. Katz winces) ******** Skinner: Heve you ever had to work with somebody so incompetent but for some odd reason you just can't fire them? (Dr. Katz thinks of Laura) Dr. Katz: No. Skinner: Have you ever been manipulated? (Dr. Katz thinks of Ben) Dr. Katz: No. Skinner: I have. I hate it! Sometimes I just get so angry I curl up in a ball and sleep in my laundry basket for days! Dr. Katz: Hmm. Do you often do that? Skinner: Only after I lick myself. Dr. Katz: I'm going to stop you there. ******** Scully: Do you believe? Dr. Katz: Not again. Scully: Calm down. I don't believe. Dr. Katz: You don't? Scully: There is a scientific explanation to everything! Dr. Katz: Batman and Robin. Scully: Bad writing. Dr. Katz: Michael Jackson. Scully: Genetic defects. Dr. Katz: Why FOX is such a success nowadays. Scully: He works with me. Dr. Katz: Not Fox Mulder. FOX the network.. Scully: Me. Dr. Katz: Well, I'm sold. ******** Cancer Man: This is confedential, right? Dr. Katz: Yes. Whatever happens here doesn't leave these walls. Cancer Man: Wanna know the truth? Dr. Katz: Sure. Cancer Man: Alright here's every thing that's happened since the thirties! (The music starts) Dr. Katz: Oops. You know what the music means. Cancer Man: Yes. I do. Dr. Katz: Our time is up. (Cancer Man begins to laugh maniacally. And begins to light a cigarette.) Dr. Katz: You have to take that outside. (Cancer Man stands up and walks out) ******** Narrator: Join us next time as Dr. Katz analyzes the Next Generation gang! But first... COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU.... Borg Queen: Watch as your worlds end! Jerry Lewis: Hellloooooo nice ladyyyyyy! JERRY LEWIS: FIRST CONTACT! Picard: The line must be drawn here! Jerry Lewis: But the line can be drawn here or here or that is here or whoaaawhuhuh! Narrator: Resistance to be irritated is futile. Coming soon along with DS9/Trainspotting.