 ALYSSA
THE INNOCENT GIRL YOU LUSTED
1 What’s the best way to say hello? Eye contact and then a hug to make a connection. 2 Is it true that prior to a sexy photo shoot such as this one, you go without carbs for days? Yeah, I definitely prepare, because so much of doing sexy images is about feeling good. If I were to pig out on Burger King beforehand, I wouldn’t feel as comfortable in skimpy clothes. Any other sexy tricks? I bring my publicist. I call her the photo-shoot nazi because she’s the one who’s always staring at my crotch to make sure nothing’s showing. And no nipple. 3 What’s the best tabloid bit you’ve ever seen about yourself? There was a picture where I was walking out of the supermarket with a huge family pack of toilet paper. I was a mess and in sweats. Did they write that you had explosive “stuff”? No. 4 When is it OK to call a guy a bitch? The last time I was in Vegas, I kept calling the poker dealer my bitch. When I was losing, I called him a bitch. 5 FHM understands you have a problem with math. Does that make cards difficult for you? I do have trouble with math. Sometimes I’m quick as a whip, but other times, no. 6 But you have a photographic memory. Can you remember how you completed this sentence the last time you were on FHM’s cover nearly two years ago? “You can look at a naked body and to me there’s something very natural and beautiful. That’s why I. . . .” Garden topless! 7 Good work. Fill in the blank: For God’s sake, please: Have more compassion. My eyelashes are sticking together and my eyebrows are sweating. It’s like 95 degrees out here. 8 Describe the underwear you’re wearing. I’m not wearing any. Hot day. 9 Are you a Republican? No, but I want whoever is running our country to succeed. Every time I hear Bush speak, I’m like, “Oh, just get through this sentence, get through it.” And it’s like, “Whew!” 10 How patriotic of you. What’s the most embarrassing thing in your purse right now? Want to look? I’ll dump it out. Advil, Bayer Aspirin—my mom bought it for me because she read it can prevent lung cancer—checkbook, wallet, lighter, a pen that doesn’t work, cell phone, empty pack of gum, two-way pager, compact, eyeliner, lipstick—I have so much lipstick it’s frightening, because you never know what to wear—a gift certificate to a spa in Santa Barbara and a flower for my hair if I feel inspired. But nothing embarrassing. I’m looking for a tampon or something. 11 What number check are you on? 3673. That’s pretty good, huh? 12 Big spender. Would you let Courtney Love spank you? Absolutely not. She terrifies me. I’m so afraid of that woman. 13 What’s your favorite cliché? “Everything happens for a reason.” 14 You once said, “I forgive myself for a lot of things.” Is that a way of acting immoral and forgiving yourself after the fact? For things like tattoos and one-night stands? No. My intentions are always good. I have always had such strong morals. I make immoral mistakes, but they all come from a good place. 15 Do you ever get sick of people talking about your chest? Do people talk about my tits? Absolutely. I didn’t know, but I guess I can’t get tired if I’m not hearing about it. 16 Then do you get sick of hearing tired Tony Danza talking about you every time a camera is on him? Yeah, I’m tired of it. God bless him, I love him madly, but yeah, it’s a bizarre thing. I usually get asked, “What’s the little boy from the show doing now?” What’s the little boy from the show doing now? We hear he’s tramping around New York City’s gay West Village. I think Danny Pintauro is living in New York. He came out of the closet in The Enquirer years ago. We bust big news stories in the FHM office. Yeah, you’ve got your finger on the pulse. 17 You have 20 seconds to clarify one rumor about yourself. What rumors have you heard about me? I can guarantee that the Shannen Doherty and I fighting thing wasn’t really a fight, but there was a lot of tension that came out of the clear blue sky as far as I was concerned. I don’t know what was going on in her mind. 18 You played Amy Fisher in the TV movie Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story. When was the last time you had sex with a guy with an Afro-mullet? I didn’t even date guys with mullets in the ’80s. 19 You won a Spirit Award at Sundance in 1997 for your role in Hugo Pool. Not to sound corny, but that’s great, considering most child stars burn out big time. It was very rewarding. As a child star, to be able to not only make the crossover but to be recognized as an influential talent in the indie film industry really turned my life around. 
20 The FHM tape recorder malfunctioned. We were also discussing men’s magazine covers and how you badmouthed them a bit. Can you repeat it please? I said America has a preconceived notion of someone with a size 36C. It was my way of saying that fact doesn’t mean I’m not intelligent. And FHM said, “You’re not a 36C” and you said— Yes I am! That part you remember, huh? Clearly. 21 When do you turn into a complete bitch? When I’m PMS-ing. Oh wait, girls don’t poop and girls don’t bleed. 22 What was the name of the last porn you watched? The Lover. It’s an art movie but it’s very sexy. 23 What’s your favorite body part? My back, because it’s muscular and I don’t have to see it every day. 24 As Eva Savelot, you got to work with the greats like Carrot Top— He’s AT&T. I was WorldCom. 25 They’re in a bit of trouble. Do you still work for those shysters? No. Two years of doing those commercials was enough. When I signed the deal, my business manager thought it might be a good idea to have stock in WorldCom. I decided to take the cash instead. 26 Tell FHM something sexy about your feet. They look good naked. They look good without polish, which is not something a lot of women can say. 27 Which farm animal would you not wrestle? A pig, because I'd have to do it in the mud and that's icky. 28 See, this isn't rocket science. I'll make it rocket science, dammit! 29 Are you a manipulator? No. Never. Well . . . if wearing a push-up bra to an audition is manipulation, then yes, I am a manipulator. 30 Who's the cheesiest person you've met in Hollywood? Should I take a chance? What if I'm out of work one day and . . . I was in Vegas opening a restaurant and I looked down over a balcony and there was this tall man in a bright turquoise Miami Vice-esque suit. Steve Guttenberg? No. And he was dancing— Bob Saget? Was he dancing well? No. But he was getting his boogie on. I was like, "Oh, God!" And he had— David Hasselhoff? It was David Hasselhoff! That was good. I made eye contact and I was like, "Oh, God, why did I do that? Oh, God." He's looking and smiling, and he came over with two lovely little girls and said, "These girls are huge fans of yours. Will you please shake their hands?" He was a very sweet guy. 31 If you were an adult-film star, what would your screen name be? Jane Figarella. 32 Ever operated a chain saw? No, but I bought five acres of land, so I might have to. I've worked an ax before. Does that count? No, badass machinery must reek of fuel. I understand. Men really appreciate the finer heavy equipment. I will operate a chain saw. 33 What's the combination to your gym locker? My code for everything is "hope." So it's 4673. 34 What's your favorite movie quote? "There's a fine line between stupid and clever." Do you know what movie? It's said with a British accent, a mock British accent. Spinal Tap. It's such a brilliant line. 35 Can "it" ever go on too long? Grateful Dead songs? They can go on too long. 36 What's your favorite bit of rap jargon? I was once dating a man, and I won't say who it was, who actually asked me what the phone number for information was. I swear to God. I looked at him and I asked, "What do you think they've been rapping about all these years? The 411!" And he wasn't even a drug addict. It was a sincere question. 37 What's new on the menu? I got a movie yesterday. It's called Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star and it stars David Spade. He's a former child star from the 1970s, and I play his really, really bitchy gold-digging girlfriend. It's funny and it's a big deal for me. 38 Who's your favorite Baldwin? Alec, for his political sense and his humor. He is the Saturday Night Live king. "Canteen boy!" 39 What's the most bizarre movie role you've ever been offered? On Charmed I play a witch who turns into demons, and in the first episode of the season, I turned into a mermaid. That's weird enough. 40 You have seven tattoos. Is it true one reads "heartbreaker" and it's on your ass? No! I have a tattoo on my lower back, but it's a sacred heart. It does not say heartbreaker. 41 What's the strangest thing you've ever put in your mouth? Oxtail soup. I also tried sticky rice with pig blood. It really did taste like blood. I feel like I have boogers. Do I have boogers hanging out of my nose right now? 42 Next question: Do you have boogers hanging out of your nose? Do you? I would tell you if you had a booger. 43 You're clean. Do you throw like a girl? No, I don't. I'm very athletic, considering I had no childhood, which meant no school and no organized sports. But in my older years, I've taken up pretty much everything I've ever thought about doing, like snowboarding, tennis and golf. 44 As a celeb, do you make a tee time or just show up and clobber the ball? No, I make tee times. I get there early to hit a bucket of balls at the range. 45 You broke off an engagement to Scott Wolf years ago and you divorced a man after eleven months of marriage. What's the secret to making Alyssa Milano happy? That's a really good question. I'm really into being able to get up and fly places, that whole romantic concept of keeping things spontaneous. Also, my family is so important that whomever I'm with really has to contribute to that part of my life. That's hard for a lot of people because a lot of men my age come from dysfunctional families. 46 Are you saying all 30-year-old men are dysfunctional? A lot of people in our generation come from divorced parents, so they've never actually witnessed a functioning family. I eat dinner with my family every Sunday night.  47 Bikini wax? Too hairy to wax. I have to shave. 48 When was the last time you got trashed and danced on a bar? I've never danced on a bar. I'd make a fool out of myself. I'm pretty clumsy. 49 How seriously do you take yourself? Not very seriously at all. I have a really good sense of humor about myself. 50 Then forget telling FHM the best way to say goodbye. Tell us the dumbest thing you've ever said in bed. I'd have to go through my list. Pick any of the dumber ones: How about, "Ouch!" |
