Fission For Trouble
by Kittie
Billy sighed and rolled his eyes as Marissa and Jamie once again barged into his lab, laughing hysterically. They began chasing each other around around and around his desk. "Guys," he said tiredly. They either didn't hear or didn't care. "Guys," he said, a little louder this time. Nothing. "GUYS!"
The two girls stopped in their tracks and stared at him disdainfully. "What?" said Marissa flatly, putting her little hands on her hips.
"You know you're not allowed in my lab," he said, glaring at her. "So get out."
Jamie stuck her tongue out at him. "This isn't your house it's Hank's and he said his house is our house so we can go anywhere we want."
Billy stood and deliberately towered over the two girls. "Well, guess what? I pay rent to keep my lab in this garage which makes it my garage and I say you're not allowed in here and if you don't get out right now I'm going to turn you both into bubbling piles of goo!"
Marissa gulped but tried to act unconcerned. "You can't do that."
"Oh?" Billy picked up a strange gun-looking thing. "I can't, can I?" He caressed the gun gently, staring right into her eyes. "Not even if I were to point this matter neutralizer at you and pull the trigger? Like THIS?!" He pulled the trigger, and a beam of light shot out, narrowly missing Marissa. Both girls screamed and fled from the lab.
Billy chuckled and put the "gun" down. It was actually only a high-precision flashlight, designed for doing delicate jobs, such as computer chip repair, in the dark. He had a contract with GE Electric to sell the product as soon as all of the bugs were ironed out.
"Billy!" Hank called to him from upstairs.
Billy rolled his eyes. "Dad, I didn't do anything, you know better than that!"
Hank didn't bother to reply, he just came wearily down the steps. "Do you have to treat your sisters so badly?"
"They're not my sisters," replied Billy stubbornly. "They're Marilyn's worst mistake."
"Billy...." Hank glared at him warningly.
"And you know I've told them several times to stay the hell out of my lab."
"Billy, why can't you accept the fact that Marilyn and I are happy together?"
"I accept that, why shouldn't I? I do not, however, accept this idea of yours that we are suddenly supposed to be one big happy family. I never allowed you in my lab without permission, and you never touch anything. Those little..." he stopped, noticing Hank's warning look. "Girls... manage to touch everything they possibly can. They almost destroyed one of my prototypes last week, and I can't afford to have that happen. Please Dad...."
Hank sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "Fine, Billy. Fine. I'll keep them away. But... Billy, you have to promise me you'll try harder to get along with them!"
"Whatever." Billy turned back to his computer and begin to pointedly ignore his father. He didn't look up again until he heard the door close behind him. "Damn." He sat back in his chair and decided to give Adam a call.
"You have reached the Park residence," said Adam's voice. "No one is here to take your call right now. Please leave a message after the-- *klik* Hello? Hello!" Adam picked up the phone suddenly, and Billy jumped, startled.
"Adam, hi, it's me."
"Oh, hi, Billy."
"You sound disappointed."
"Sorry. I'm expecting a call from Tanya," said Adam sheepishly.
"Yeah, how are things going with you two?"
"Slowly. We haven't even... kissed yet." Adam sounded embarrassed. "But I'm not going to push her, or anything."
"Of course not, you're a perfect gentleman."
Adam must have sensed the tone in Billy's voice, because he paused for a moment. "What's wrong?"
Billy sighed. "Those little brats Hank wants me to call my sisters are busy trashing the place."
"Oh." Adam had met the twins, and they seemed all right to him, but the way Billy talked, you'd think they were a couple of Mondo's horrible creations. "What did they do this time?"
"They burst in on me again. Luckily, I wasn't working on anything fragile or light-sensitive, but I could have been." He sighed again. "Maybe I should move out."
"But where would you go?" Adam suddenly got scared. Was Billy planning to move out of Angel Grove?
"I don't know," came the answer. "I guess I'd... try to find an apartment somewhere."
"Here in Angel Grove?"
"I don't know." Billy frowned, knowing that Adam wouldn't like that answer. He was right.
"But... you have to stay in Angel Grove, Billy. We need you! I mean, not we, me! I need you!"
"Hello, Adam, haven't you ever heard of a phone? Even if I did move out of Angel Grove, we'd keep in touch. And we'd visit, too."
"But I never see you anyway, now that you've graduated. And I'll see you even less if--"
"Look we can worry about that when... if... the time comes, okay?"
There was a moment of silence on Adam's end. "All right," he finally said resignedly. "So... have you heard the news?"
"I don't think so...?"
"Jason, Trini, and Zack are coming home."
"What?! When?" Billy didn't hear the two girls stealthily enter the lab.
"Whoa, calm down! It's not until this summer. Mr. Kaplan told us this morning."
"All right!" Billy grinned. "It'll be great to see them!" Behind him, Marissa silently opened one of the numerous boxes under the counter.
"I know," agreed Adam. "Ernie's going to hold a welcome home party at the Juice Bar."
"You know I'll be there." Jamie helped Marissa pull a weird looking device out of the box. "I love Ernie's parties." Billy stopped as he heard a slight noise behind him. He turned around.... "No, don't!"
Adam jumped as he heard Billy's frantic yell. There was a crash as the phone fell to the floor, and then dead silence. "Billy?" Dead air. "Billy?!" Adam hung up and prepared to teleport.
* * *
Billy moaned and opened his eyes. He was lying on the floor of his lab, and he couldn't see. There were dots in front of his eyes. He began to blink them away, trying to remember how they'd gotten there in the first place. Realization hit him like a bullet, and he sat up. "MARISSA!"
The two girls came out from behind a cardboard box, they were pale and shaking. Jamie was crying. Billy felt a pang of something resembling pity, and he forced himself to be calm. "Marissa, Jamie, why did you do that?"
He was startled as Marissa rushed forward and hugged him. "We thought we killed you!" she said tearfully.
"We didn't mean to," added Jamie, wailing pitifully.
Billy sighed. "Yeah, okay. I'm fine. I think." He shook his head to clear it. He wasn't sure which button the girls had pushed, and that was what made all the difference. He was about to ask when he heard a familiar whooshing noise outside. Adam rushed into the room, breathless.
"Billy? Where are you? What happened?"
Billy quickly got to his feet. "I'm fine, Adam. I'm here."
Adam slumped in relief. "What was that? I heard you yell and then--"
"Marissa and Jamie were just playing a little game, right girls?" They nodded meekly, still shaky. "Now why don't you go upstairs and play or something?"
They scurried up the steps and slammed the door behind them. Billy would have started to laugh if he wasn't so shaken by the whole thing. "Sorry I scared you, Adam," he managed.
Adam looked at him carefully. "You look a little pale," he said.
"I don't feel too good," Billy answered, and he slowly began to realize what had happened. "Oh, no," he muttered. "They've really done it this time."
"What?" Adam stepped closer to Billy, who looked like he was about to fall over.
"They touched something they weren't supposed to. They--" Billy gasped and doubled over in pain.
"Billy!" Adam grabbed him guickly. "Hank!" he yelled. "Hank, come quick!"
"Adam," gasped Billy. "I--" he stopped as another wave of pain hit him. He began to glow.
"What the-- HANK!"
Hank came rushing down the steps. "What's--" he saw Billy. "Oh, my God...."
Billy wrapped his arms around himself and screamed in pain. There was a wet ripping sound, and a flash of light. Then everything was still.
Adam blinked. Billy blinked. Billy blinked. Adam blinked again. "Billy? Billy?!"
Billy stood in front of him- twice. Billy number one looked at Billy number two. "Damn," they said at the same time.
"Oh my God...." said Hank again.
Marilyn appeared at the door. "What's all the noise?"
The Billys looked up at her. "Nothing. Don't mind me," they said.
Marilyn screamed and fainted.
"What the--?" Adam had turned an off shade of gray, and Hank looked even worse.
Billy #1 turned his attention to Adam, and #2 faced Hank. "Don't worry," said #1. "I can fix this."
"Yes," agreed #2. "If the effects weren't reversible, I wouldn't have kept the device."
"Billy...." said Adam, backing away. "I mean, Billy.... Which one of you is...."
"Both of us," answered #2. "We're actually both me."
"Which is me," added #1.
"What?" Hank sounded like he was going to cry.
"Have you ever heard of fission?" asked #1 patiently.
"What? Fission?"
"Like amoebas?" asked Adam. "They multiply by splitting in half... oh my God...."
"Exactly," nodded #2 grimly. "I have to reverse the damage."
"Before I split again," finished #1.
Adam gulped. "Split again?"
"I'm not looking forward to that," said Billy #1 to Billy #2. "That hurt."
"Agreed. We've got to hurry." Billy#2 picked up the device Marissa and Jamie had found and began to examine it. "Damn," he said.
"What?" Billy #1 sounded worried.
"They must have dropped it," answered #2. "It's broken.
"We'll have to fix it then," said #1 wearily.
"I'll help," said Adam quickly.
"Thank you, Adam," said #1 gratefully. "I'd appreciate that."
"What do you want me to do?"
"First," replied #1, "Get Hank out of here. I think he's in shock."
"Right," agreed #2. "And then take care of Marilyn. After that, report back here."
"Okay." Adam placed a hand on Hank's back and led him upstairs. "Come on, Hank," he coaxed him gently. "Billy will be fine...."
"Oh my God...." Hank said again.
Billy #1 looked at Billy #2 and they both sighed. "Let's get to work."
* * *
Adam managed to pick the unconscious Marilyn up and carry her into the living room, though he was red-faced and panting by the time he deposited her on the couch. "She doesn't look that heavy," he muttered to himself as he headed back down to Billy's lab. He found both Billys hard at work over the device.
#1 looked up as he entered. "Have you taken care of Hank and Marilyn?"
Adam nodded. "Yes. How are the repairs going?"
"Slowly," answered #2. "Come on over. You can tighten the wires in section D."
"Section D?" Adam approached them slowly. #1 looked like he was starting to glow again.
"Yes. It's sort of... the bottom left. Here, you see?" #2 pointed out an exposed control with wires sticking out in all directions. "All you have to do is tighten those screws. That'll pull the wires taunt again."
"Uh-oh," said #1. He was glowing even more now, and he grimaced in pain. "It's happening again!"
"Damn!" #2 stepped back from the device. "That means I'm next. Adam, stand back. You don't want to get caught in the middle of this."
Adam backed up slowly bumping into Billy's workbench painfully. "Ow!" His startled shout of pain was drowned out by #1's anguished scream. There was that same ripping sound, a flash of light, and when Adam could see again, there were three Billys standing before him. #1 and #3 looked a bit smaller than #2, but they grew to normal size within a matter of seconds.
"Damn!" The three said in unison.
"Well, at least we've got more hands," said #3 resignedly.
"I concur," said #2. "You two can continue work. I think I'm... it's happening to me, too." Sure enough, he was starting to glow. "This is gonna hurt," he moaned. And it did.
* * *
Marissa and Jamie peeked into their sort-of brother's lab and saw four Billys and one Adam all hunched over the strange device they'd used. "What the--?" Marissa stared at Jamie wide-eyed. "Do you see what I see?"
"I see... four Billys?" said Jamie uncertainly.
"That's what I saw." Marissa bit her lip. "Do you think... did we do that?"
"Yes, you did," answered #4, glaring up at them. "You forget how good my hearing is."
Marissa shrank back into the doorway.
"Oh, come on, Billy, go easy on them," pleaded Adam. "I'm sure they're sorry."
"We are! We are! We didn't mean to!" Jamie rushed into the lab and grabbed #2's leg. "Don't be mad at us!"
"How could I not be mad?" #1 threw his hands into the air in exasperation. "Look at me!
"Look at us!" added #2.
"I can't live my life like this, you know." #3 joined in.
"And besides, it hurts, dammit!" was #4's contribution.
All four Billys sighed and turned back to their work on the device. "Brother...." they muttered in unison.
Adam blanched and continued tightening wires. "Are we almost done?" he asked, feeling a little queasy.
"Can we help?" asked Marissa in a tiny voice. "We want to help since... since it's our fault."
Billy #2 glanced around at the others, who shrugged resignedly. "All right," he nodded. "Can you work a screw driver?"
* * *
"Okay, repairs on section F are complete!" shouted Billy #7 triumpantly.
"Ditto on section D," Adam said, shaking the cramps out of his hand.
"Section G near completion," said #8, deep in concentration. "Just a bit more...."
Billys #1,2,5, and 6 had retreated to the far corners of the lab, giving Adam and the other Billys more room to manuever. Adam and #7 joined them, though Adam was still feeling distinctly uncomfortable with the whole situation. He looked around at the Billys, and they all smiled back at him. Adam's stomach lurched. "I'll be right back," he muttered, and ran out of the lab.
The Billys looked at one another in concern as they heard him retching into the bushes. "I hope he'll be okay," managed #5.
"I didn't mean to upset him," finished #2.
Billy #3 and #4 joined them, each one holding a very tired little girl. "We finished," said #4. "And Jamie and Marissa did very well."
"I was very impressed with their work," added #3.
"We like building stuff," Marissa told him sleepily.
"Yeah," added Jamie. "We like it."
"I'll take them upstairs," said #3 and #4 in unison. They headed up the steps.
Adam lurched back into the lab, looking distinctly green. "Are we okay?" he slurred.
"Yes!" shouted #8. "We're done!"
The Billys crowded around the device and waited for #3 and #4 to return. In a matter of seconds, they were back, and they joined the others around the device.
"Ready?" asked #1.
The other seven nodded. "And hurry up," said #8. It's going to happen again!" He grabbed himself around his middle as if willing the split not to occur.
"Okay, here goes." #1 stabbed a button and the room filled with light. Adam covered his eyes and shrank back against the wall. There was a weird sucking sound, and Adam swore he heard eight sighs of relief that slowly became one. When he could see again, he saw Billy slumped over the workbench, finally back in one piece.
"Okay, great," Adam said hurriedly, backing out of the lab. "So I'll see you later I guess, okay Billy? All right? See you." He turned and ran as fast as he could toward home.
* * *
Rocky laughed along with the rest of the class as the song ended. "That was great, huh, Adam? Huh?" Adam wasn't laughing. "Amoeba love, who'da thunk it?"
Adam nodded mutely, looking distinctly green.
"And when her boyfriend split in half like that? That was too funny! 'Two lovers and both of them are you?' What a great line!"
"S'cuse me," Adam muttered, and he bolted out of the classroom, both hands clamped over his mouth.
Rocky stared after him curiously. "What's with him?"
End
Amoeba Baby
(The Song)
Well, I never knew that true love could be true
No, I never knew until I fell in love with you
And when I saw you, it thrilled me thru and thru
Now I've got a spasm in my protoplasm
Yeah Gang!
(Giddie-ub glub-glub)
Well, I saw you there with that algae in your hair
And I knew right away that we were meant to love and share
So I swam up to you and I said in a voice so fair:
Well hey there, aloha, won't you be my protozoa
You said you would and we swam swam away
I swam with my arm around your pseudopod-i-ay
And you said to me: "I'll never go away
In all kinds of weather we'll assimilate together."
And then one foggy night you gave me such a fright!
You lost your mind and started turning blue
Told me you were feeling sick and then by God began to split!
And now there isn't one of you... but two!
Hey Gang!
(Giddie-ub-glub-glub)
Now I've got this problem and I don't know what to do
See, I've got two lovers, and both of them are you.
Oh how can I love and still be true to two?
Oh woe is me. Without my amoeba love, what will I be?
I cried for three days 'til I overflowed the sea
I tried to find a way that we could be a happy three
But then one day I made three of me...
(And now it's his problem.)
Yeah. Hallelujiah, oh glory, thus ends our amoeba story.
Happy amoeba
Happy amoeba
Happy amoeba
Happy amoeba baby!
