Losing the Blues
by Kittie
Doomsday: 1996
Adam leaned back in his chair and sighed. And burped. "Oops, excuse me."
"Euww!" Kimberly wrinkled her nose and waved him away. "Gross!"
"That was a good one!" said Rocky admiringly. "Do it again!"
"Not!" Aisha swatted him on the back and he nearly fell out of his chair. "Kim, what is it with guys and burping, anyway?"
Kimberly shrugged. "It's genetic, I guess."
"Actually--" Billy began.
"Oh no, not 'actually,'" moaned Aisha, collapsing into her chair.
Billy ignored her. "Actually, males and females have the same capacity for the release of natural gasses, but females are more prone to ignoring their urges, if you will. It's precisely for that reason that females tend to have more trouble with gas pains and the like."
"Did we really need to know that?" Aisha shot a look at Kimberly, who smiled mischievously.
"So you're saying I should just let it rip, is that it?"
"Precisely."
"No, I don't think so," disagreed Tommy.
"Will you stop finding me attractive if I burp?" Kimberly asked delicately, leaning in close to him.
"Um... no, but--"
"Good." Kim opened her mouth and let out an earth-shaker.
"Whoa, Kim that was incredible!" Rocky turned to her with wide eyes. "How'd you do that?!?"
Billy tried to hold in a laugh as Kimberly daintily patted her chest. "Years of repression, Rocky. *urp.*"
Tommy moaned. "Oh man, I'm dating a girl who can out-burp me. This is so humiliating."
Kimberly kissed him gently on the cheek. "Don't worry, Tommy, I won't hold it against you."
Rocky looked around at his friends. "Come on, guys, we can do better than that!"
"Sorry, I've never been very good at that particular skill."
"And you call yourself a man?" teased Aisha.
Rocky looked to Adam. "Come on, buddy, what do you say? Do it for all mankind!"
"Uh-uh." Adam shook his head. "I can only do one at a time."
"What?!? Oh, fine. How about you, Tommy?"
Tommy thought about it for a moment. "I can try." He took a deep breath and held it for a few seconds, then let out a belch. "How was that?"
Billy shook his head. "Whereas Kimberly's belch was definitely at least a 6.7 on the Richter scale, yours measured only 3.2. Sorry, Tommy."
"Aww, man! Well, let's see you do any better!"
"My personal record is a paltry 2.1. As I said, I have never been very good at this."
Aisha sighed. "Pathetic. We need to find some real men, Kim."
The boys looked at each other as Kim and Aisha started to laugh hysterically. "It wasn't that funny," mumbled Rocky, blushing a little.
"Of course not," managed Kim. "We know you're real men."
"Of course! Real pathetic!"
The girls broke up laughing again, and Billy decided to try to change the subject. "Hey, guys, can I ask you something?"
"What?" Kimberly tried to stifle her giggles and look interested.
"He wasn't talking to you," retorted Rocky. "He was talking to us men."
"Sure." Aisha nodded. "Whatever."
Billy sighed. "Anyway, I wanted to ask your opinion on something."
"What's up, man?" Tommy switched into leader mode.
"Well, let's say, hypothetically, there was a certain individual who has been a constant source of annoyance and humiliation to you for the past four years."
"Hypothetically?" Kimberly looked doubtful.
"Yes. Anyway, let's say this hypothetic individual approached you yesterday and asked you for a favor."
"What kind of favor?" asked Adam. "Hypothetically?"
"Let's say they asked you to tutor them in math and science. What would you do?"
"I'd say yes," answered Aisha. "But if that hypothetical person started acting up, I'd dump him in a heartbeat."
"Exactly," agreed Tommy.
Billy nodded. "Good. Because that actually happened to me."
"Really?!?" Rocky pretended to be shocked. "I'd have never thunk it!"
"It's true! Skull said Mr. Kaplan wants him to get a tutor, so he came to me. I told him I'd do it so long as he went easy on me from now on."
"Good plan. When are you supposed to meet--" Adam was interrupted by his communicator. "Dang!"
Tommy stood and glanced around to make sure no one was around. "Yeah, Zordon?"
ZEDD AND RITA HAVE SENT ANOTHER MONSTER TO DOWNTOWN ANGEL GROVE. YOU MUST DEFEAT THE CHOPPER-TRACTOR BEFORE IT IS ALLOWED TO DO ANY REAL DAMAGE.
"Right, Zordon. Guys, it's morphin' time!"
"Black Ranger Power!"
"Pink Ranger Power!"
"Blue Ranger Power!"
"Yellow Ranger Power!"
"Red Ranger Power!"
"White Ranger Power!"
The heroes materialized in the business district, immediately launching their attack on Zedd's newest monster.
* * *
Zedd and Rita watched, enraged, as the teens proceeded to kick the crap out of the chopper-tractor.
* * *
"My turn!" Rocky shouted as he let loose with a roundhouse kick. Billy completed it with a deadly ninja punch. After quick and efficient attacks by Kim, Aisha, Adam, and Tommy, the Chopper-Tractor monster lay on the ground in a smoking heap. That was all Lord Zedd and Rita needed. Enraged, they crossed wand and staff, sending a bolt of energy toward the Earth. "GROW, Chopper-Tractor!"
And grow it did, towering over the Rangers, but this didn't bother them in the slightest. The NinjaZords quickly joined the rangers, evening up the battle. "Mega Falcon Zord, engage," ordered Tommy, and they began to move together. Then the WolfZord stumbled.
"Something's wrong," Billy's voice crackled through his transmitter. "It's not-- AAAAGGGGHHHH!" His words were cut off by a horrible scream, then silence. Before any of the Rangers could react, the WolfZord exploded in a fireball of metal and glass. The monster was caught in the explosion and added to the mess. Then, things were silent again, and hunks of burning metal began to fall from the sky.
Kimberly jumped out of the CraneZord and ran to where Billy should have been. "Billy? Where are you? Billy!"
Twisted pieces of metal were still falling out of the sky. Something hit her helmet and bounced off. She gasped when she saw what it was: Billy's morpher, black and charred. Kimberly began to scream.
Aftermath
Adam sat on his roof, looking out at the stars. Billy had shown him a few of the constellations one night, and he had looked for them every night since. He lowered his gaze and his eyes fell on the lights from the city of Stone Canyon. He smiled a little, remembering his old house, his old school. Stone Canyon was so different from Angel Grove. Everything was... more. The buildings were taller, his school had been bigger, the bullies were bigger....
Adam sighed and gazed back up at the sky. "Orion," he said aloud, "and the Big Dipper." He had always been able to spot the Dippers, but it was still a bit of a thrill. His thoughts trailed back to Stone Canyon High. Maybe the difference wasn't the bullies, he thought. _Maybe it's me._
Tommy had shown him pictures of what Billy had been like in his first years at Angel Grove High. Adam had been unable to believe it was the same guy. He wondered if the years had changed him as much as they had Billy. It was likely, considering just how much they'd had in common. But that was before Billy had....
Adam shook the thought out of his head, tears rising to his eyes. He could still hear Billy's cry of pain, and the horrible roar of the explosion. "I never got to say goodbye...." Adam shivered and pulled his knees close to his body. He began to rock back and forth, sobbing quietly.
* * *
**Now that Lord Zedd and Rita Repulsa have finally left their palace on the moon and focused their attentions elsewhere, the focus here in Angel Grove turns to the mysterious disappearance of a local teen named William Cranston.
The boy, called Billy by all who know him, disappeared somewhere between 12:00 noon and 7:00 pm on Friday, April 26th. Local authorities have organized a nationwide search for the young man, who is well known for his extraordinary genius.
Though his father, Hank Cranston, insists that Billy was happy and stable, some suspect that he may have snapped and run off. "Such is the price of genius," said Professor Artemus Tucker, a chemistry teacher at Angel Grove High. "Billy was always rather quiet," Tucker told us, "And I wouldn't be surprised if he finally snapped. I'd hate to think I'm right, but I wouldn't at all be surprised."
Tucker's opinion, however, is not a popular one among the other teachers at Angel Grove High. "Billy is one of my best students," says Deborah Appleby. "He would never just run off without telling anyone. I'm afraid for him." Though there are many speculations, there are no concrete answers. Where is Billy Cranston? No one knows.
In other news, the Angel Grove First Citywide Bank was reopened today after extensive repairs....**
Ernie switched off the television and sighed. "Poor Billy. I hope he's okay."
Tommy stared down into his Frostee. "Yeah," he muttered. "He's probably...." He wasn't able to finish the sentence. He hadn't been able to form many sentences at all these past few weeks. His mind was in turmoil, remembering.
The others weren't in any better shape. Kimberly and Adam were both nervous wrecks. Adam had missed 13 school days so far, and when he did show up, he was in and out of the bathroom. Kimberly looked a mess, and she had started smoking. She wore grey and black all the time, wrinkled and dirty sweatshirts. She looked as though she hadn't slept- or washed- in days. Rocky was a little better, just quiet. And his appetite was much smaller. Tommy was certain he'd lost weight. Aisha tried to be cheerful, to remember the good times she'd had with Billy, but Tommy could tell it was wearing on her. She hadn't said much this past week.
He sighed, and noticed the strange way Ernie was staring at him. "I'm just worried about Billy," he explained lamely.
Ernie nodded and put a plate of French fries out for him. "He'll be fine, Tommy, don't worry." He looked up and smiled a little. "Hey, Adam's here."
Tommy whirled around. _Adam?!_
He was standing in the doorway, looking rather small and lost. "Man, he looks horrible. Is he sick?" asked Ernie, concerned.
"Yeah, he's had the flu," lied Tommy. He jumped up and ran to Adam. "What are you doing here?" he hissed.
Adam looked at him blankly. "What?"
"You look really sick, Adam, you shouldn't be here. Come on, I'll take you home."
"Okay. No. I'm hungry." He broke away and went to sit at the bar. "What do I want, Ernie?"
"Um... I don't know. A hamburger?"
"Okay. But can you put cheese on it?"
"So you want a cheeseburger. Okay."
"No." Adam shook his head. "I want a hamburger. But you can put cheese on it. On top, not in the middle."
Ernie glanced at Tommy, who could only shrug sickly. "Right." he said. "A hamburger with cheese. On top." He headed toward the grill. "Musta been some flu," Tommy heard him mutter.
_Why do I have to be the strong one? Why can everyone fall apart except me?_ Tommy felt the wall he'd built beginning to crumble, and he fled from the Juice Bar before anyone could see him cry.
* * *
The weekend had allowed Tommy some time to calm down. He sat in class, glad to have something to distract him. Kimberly sat next to him, absently staring at her ragged nails. She wasn't even bothering to pretend she was listening. Rocky seemed all right but he kept sighing, which obviously annoyed Aisha. She was giving him dirty looks. Adam was seated behind Tommy. He hadn't said much since Friday in the Juice Bar, but as far as Tommy could tell, he was doing much better.
He ripped his thoughts away from his friends and forced himself to look at Ms. Appleby.
Ms. Appleby noticed his intense concentration, and her heart jumped. It scared her how much the teens had changed, especially Kimberly, but she chalked it up to nervousness and fear for Billy. She, too, was worried about him. Where in the world could he be?
She sighed a little. "Rocky, can you tell me who invented the cotton gin?"
Rocky jumped a little. "Oh, uh... Eli Whitney?"
She smiled at him and nodded. "Prodigious. I see you have been paying atten--"
She was interrupted by a high-pitched giggle from somewhere in the back of the room. She looked up, about to tell Eugene Skullovitch to please keep it down. Then she saw. Adam Park had both hands clamped over his mouth, and his shoulders were shaking. "Adam Park, what exactly is so funny?"
"Sorry," he managed. He took a deep breath and dropped his hands. "I'll be quiet."
Tommy looked back at Adam, then back up at Ms. Appleby. She realized all at once what it was. Prodigious. She'd picked up the word from Billy; he had used it often in her class. Now it had become a staple in her vocabulary. She tried again. "All right, now Jenny, who invented the Sewing Machine?"
Adam let out a muffled snort. He still hadn't managed to stop laughing. The whole class was staring at him now. "May... may I be excused? I need a drink," he said, still laughing.
Ms. Appleby nodded mutely and watched as he stumbled out of the room. "Well," she said as the door closed behind him, "Um... Jenny, can--"
Ms. Appleby's eyes widened and her voice broke off as Adam's hysterical, screaming laughter floated into the room. Kimberly Hart moaned and covered her ears. Rocky DeSantos and Tommy Oliver looked like they were going to faint. Everyone else just looked shocked-- and concerned.
"Um..." Farkus Bulkmeier raised his hand. "Maybe I should check on him?"
"What?" Ms. Appleby stared at him, shocked. "Oh... okay."
Bulk stood and headed toward the door. He was halfway there when the laughter stopped abruptly and Adam stepped back into the room. He was pale, and his eyes looked strangely vacant. "I'm okay now," he said, and took his seat.
Bulk looked from Adam, to Ms. Appleby, to Tommy, and then back to Adam. He shrugged and went back to his seat.
Ms. Appleby cleared her throat. "Well, all right, then. Ah... well. Where was I?" The bell rang. "Oh. Class, ah... dismissed."
* * *
Adam didn't come to school the next day. Or the next, or the next.... Rocky gave him a call on Wednesday night, and was curtly informed by Mrs. Park that Adam "was not feeling at all well and would call when he was able." Upon hearing this, he immediately gave Tommy a call.
"Tommy, I think something's really wrong with Adam."
"What?"
"I just called his house and his Mom said he was not feeling at all well and he'd call me when he was able."
"So, he's sick. You saw how pale he's been lately."
"Tommy, she practically hung up on me! Mrs. P. would never do something like that unless she was really upset!"
"Oh. So what do you want me to do?"
Rocky noticed for the first time how very weary Tommy sounded. "Um... nothing. I just... maybe we should go over there? To his house? You know, and see him."
"If she wouldn't let you talk to him, what makes you think she'll let us see him?"
"I'll give her my puppy-dog eyes. She could never resist that. Come on, please? Come with me!"
"So you're doing this whether I come or not."
"I... yes."
Tommy sighed. "Oh, all right. We might as well get the girls, too. Meet us at Aisha's house." He hung up abruptly.
Rocky listened to the dial tone for a moment before slowly hanging up.
* * *
"Hi, Rocky," smiled Aisha. "Come on in. Kim's here and we're just waiting for Tommy."
Rocky thanked her and joined Kim on the couch. "Hi," he said. She grunted in response and took a drag from her cigarette. "Uh... do Aisha's parents know you're smoking in here?"
A withering look from her quieted him. Aisha sat next to him and they waited in an uncomfortable silence for Tommy. He was late, as per usual, and it took him several minutes before he finally showed up. "I had to take a shower," was his explanation.
They began the short trek to Adam's house, not speaking. Tommy was in the lead, and he walked so fast that Rocky and Aisha had to scramble to keep up with him. Kimberly lagged behind, chain smoking her Marlboro 100's.
They reached their destination and stood blankly at the door for a few seconds. "Um... I guess we should knock," suggested Rocky.
"Yeah," agreed Tommy, but he didn't move. Rocky reached forward and did it for him.
There was a few seconds of silence, and then the door opened a crack. "Yes? Who is it?" It was Mrs. Park, glaring out at them.
"It's us, Mrs. Park," answered Aisha. "We were worried about Adam."
The woman sighed and opened the door a little wider "Rocky DeSantos, I know this is your doing."
Rocky stepped forward. "Please, Mrs. P., we just want to say hello. We've been--"
"Worried, I know, but Adam really isn't up to...." Her voice trailed off as Rocky gave her the full force of his wounded puppy-dog face. "Rocky, I'm doing this for his own good, I--" Tommy sighed and began shuffling his feet. "Tommy, stop that. I mean it, I can't--" Aisha sniffled. "Oh, fine!" She threw up her hands. "Come on in, I'll tell Adam you're here."
"Cool," said Kim, and stamped out her cigarette. "S'about time."
Mrs. Park ignored her and led them inside. "Wait here," she said, motioning to the couch.
"Who was at the door," Mr. Park asked from around the corner. "What? I thought we agreed not to... but Kate, I... I know they're his friends, but... I don't care if they hear me! Adam's sick, he doesn't need... Well, of course he needs support, but... All right, all right. But they don't stay long."
Aisha shot Tommy a look, but he didn't seem to notice. "He must be really sick," Rocky whispered, and Aisha nodded fearfully.
"I hope he's okay," she said, staring down at her shoes.
Mrs. Park appeared in the doorway. "Come on," she said. "He's upstairs."
* * *
Rocky walked into Adam's room first, followed by Aisha, Tommy, and then Kimberly. Adam lay unmoving on his stomach, his face turned away from the door. He didn't react as the four teens walked into the room. "Adam?" Rocky stepped closer hesitantly. "It's us, you know, the team? We wanted to come see you... Your mom said you were sick."
"No, she didn't," Adam murmured softly. "She said I wasn't feeling well."
"Well, um... are you all right?" asked Tommy uncomfortably.
"No," answered Adam. "I'll never be all right."
Aisha bit her lip. "It gets easier, Adam," she told him, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "I know it seems like it never will, but it does. Remember when my grandmother died? I thought I'd never get over it. We were so close, and she just left me. I thought I would die too, but I didn't. I can think of her now and smile. I still miss her, but the pain isn't so bad."
Adam was silent for awhile. "How long ago was that?"
"Three years," answered Aisha. "I was a basket case at the funeral, remember? But now I'm all right. Life goes on in time. You'll go on."
Adam finally rolled over to face them, and they were shocked to see tears streaking his face. "I don't think I'll last that long," he said, and buried his face in his pillow.
Rocky took a bumbling step back. "Adam, stop talking like that, you're scaring me."
Adam looked up at him with moist eyes. "Rocky, Aisha, you've been my friends for a long time, and you... you really mean a lot to me. And Tommy and Kim, I know I've only known you for a little while, but it feels like much longer. I just... I wanted to tell you all how I felt about you before... before it was too late." His voice cracked as he finished, and Kimberly turned away, folding her arms across her chest and shuddering.
Rocky quickly stepped forward, kneeling by the bed and taking Adam's hands. "Look, we know you care about us... and so did Billy. He knew you... you loved him."
Adam continued as if Rocky had never spoken. "I always wanted a big brother, and Billy... he took that role. He was.... How am I going to make it without him?"
The friends all looked at on another silently. No one answered.
"I'm sorry," said a voice at the door. Tommy turned to see Mr. Park standing there, his face grim. "I'm afraid Adam really needs his sleep. Why don't you come back another time?"
Rocky squeezed Adam's hands one last time and stood. "We'll be back, okay buddy?" he said. "Everything will be okay, you'll see."
Adam didn't answer. Aisha leaned down and kissed his cheek, and Tommy muttered a "see you later." They filed out slowly, until only Kimberly remained. She stood there, ignoring Mr. Park, staring intently at Adam. Finally she approached him slowly.
"Adam," she leaned down close to him and placed a cold hand on his brow. "Take care of yourself, okay?" She abruptly turned and swept out of the room. Mr. Park closed the door behind her and Adam was alone again.
* * *
Adam stood, bleary-eyed, in front of Billy's house. He couldn't remember having gotten up and walked over here, but he knew he must have. Teleportation was impossible since.... Adam pushed that thought away and took a hesitant step toward the front door. _What am I doing here?_ He couldn't find an answer, so he stopped again, and just stared.
A vision of the explosion flickered behind his eyes, and he whimpered a little. He heard Billy's voice, patiently explaining a complicated theory of quantum physics, pointing out the constellations in the clear night sky, chuckling slightly at one of Rocky's silly jokes.
Rocky. Hadn't he been to visit a little while ago? And Aisha, too. Adam halfheartedly tried to remember, but his mind was fuzzy. He closed his eyes tight as the vision came again. He shook his head, trying to chase away the roaring flames that had consumed his friend.
He whimpered again. His head was too full. The flames were consuming everything... Billy stopped talking. Adam felt a slight pain in his knuckles and looked at them. They were on the door. He panicked for a second. _Did I knock? I didn't..._ His thoughts broke off as Billy's father slowly opened the door.
"Adam?" Hank squinted at him, cocking his head to the side. "I thought you were home sick." Adam stumbled backwards, his mind a total blank. "Adam, are you all right?"
"I... I left something in Billy's room," he heard himself say. "Could I maybe go up and get it?"
Hank just stared at him, skepticism visible in his tear-stained eyes. "All right," he finally said. "Go on up. I... it's just the way Billy left it."
Adam stared at the man wild-eyed. Hank finally stepped out to him and placed a guiding hand on his back, gently pushing him into the house. Adam jumped as the door closed behind him, and he whirled around to stare at it. _Oh God...._ He hadn't been here since the accident. The whole house smelled like Billy. That familiar smell in his clothing, something like a chocolate-coffee-peppermint... it permeated the air. Adam had noticed it before, but now.... He gulped and tried to keep from crying out. Hank was staring at him.
"Go on up, Adam," prodded Mr. Cranston, watching him carefully. "It's all right."
Adam broke from his stupor and ran up the steps two at a time. He burst into Billy's room and slammed the door behind him. He looked around at the room; it was in its usual state of disarray, without really being messy. There were some clothes on the edge of the bed, carefully gathered into one pile. The bed looked hastily made, the covers merely placed over the pillow as if Billy couldn't be bothered with tucking them in.
The bookcase was full of books: mostly the sciences, but a few odd science fiction novels and poetry books. All of the walls were bare except one: the one right across from the bed. This wall sported a large poster of Albert Einstein sticking his tongue out at the camera, and taped around it were pictures of Billy and all of his friends. There were a few people Adam didn't recognize, presumably from Chicago. Then there was Jason, Trini, Zack, Tommy, Kimberly... everyone. In various group poses, individual poses, and cameo shots. One of the biggest pictures was one of him and Billy, arm-in-arm in front of the lake. Billy had liked that picture so much he'd had it blown up, and gave it the "spot of honor" right above Einstein's head.
Adam felt what little control he had beginning to crumble. Tears began to slide down his cheeks, and he stumbled to the bed, making it just before he collapsed. He curled up in a ball on the bed, sobbing and hating himself for it. He rolled slightly, and his arm touched something soft. He opened his eyes and saw a bear. A stuffed bear, sporting a lab coat and a startling shock of white hair. Adam's tears slowed as he stared at it. He couldn't remember having seen it before. He reached out for it and gathered it into his arms. It was soft, and its warm body seemed to conform to the shape of his arms. Adam pulled it close to his body and closed his eyes again. He found himself rhythmically pulling on one of the bear's ears. It was... comforting, somehow.
"That's Al," he heard from the doorway, and his eyes flew open. Hank stood there, a slight smile on his face. "Named after the great one himself." Hank gestured toward the poster. "Billy's had him since he was very young," he continued wistfully. "And when he was upset, he used to pull on the ear, just like you're doing right now." He laughed a little, and Adam's heart jumped. It was Billy's laugh. "Rachel sewed that ear back on several times before he lost the habit." Hank's voice trailed off.
Adam looked at him, the man's form blurred by his tears. He clutched the bear to his chest and tried to hold back the sobs threatening to overtake him. Hank sighed. "Why don't you take him, Adam? Just until Billy comes back. He won't mind, I'm sure."
Adam nodded. "Thank you," he managed. He buried his face in Al's white hair and let himself cry. When Hank left the room, he was still there, rhythmically pulling on Al's right ear.
* * *
Tommy's mouth fell open as he approached his locker. "Adam?!?"
Adam turned around and smiled at him. "Hi, Tommy. What's up?"
Tommy ran up to him. "I thought... I thought you were sick!"
"I was. People get well, don't they?" Adam looked at Tommy strangely and began rearranging his locker.
Tommy caught a glimpse of something brown and furry sticking out of Adam's backpack. "What's that?" he asked.
Adam glanced downward. "This is Al," he said, pulling out a bear dressed like Albert Einstein. "Say hi to Tommy, Al."
"Um..." Tommy fumbled for words. "Hi, Al?"
Adam laughed at him. "You'd think you'd never seen a bear in a lab coat before!" He gently placed the bear back in his backpack and continued working on the locker.
"Adam, are you all right?" asked Tommy carefully. "I know you were upset about Billy and all...."
Adam suddenly found his chemistry book very interesting. "Nope, can't... the name doesn't ring a bell. Maybe you're thinking of someone else?"
Tommy paled. "Um... right. Someone else," he mumbled, backing away. "I gotta go." He ran off in the opposite direction, leaving Adam staring after him curiously.
Adam shook his head. "Some people are just weird, you know, Al?"
* * *
Rocky, Tommy, and Aisha watched Adam carefully. It was is if nothing had ever happened... as if Billy had never existed. Adam had walked into Miss Appleby's classroom and apologized for his behavior. "I don't know what could have been the matter with me," he'd said, laughing. "But it won't happen again." He was animated and lively; his mouth seemed locked in a permanent half-smile that somehow never reached his eyes. They remained vacant.
He carried the bear with him everywhere, its head poking out of the top of his backpack. Despite his friends' efforts to draw him out, Adam remained unchanged, ignoring or shrugging off any references to Billy. His friends were uneasy; Adam's behavior was even stranger than Kimberly's. She had taken to skipping school and deliberately smoking in the hallways. She was in detention more than she was classes, but Mr. Kaplan tried to go easy on her because of the "stress" Billy's absence was causing.
Adam seemed oblivious to all this. His grades rose and, as he told Rocky on his way home the last day of school, he'd "aced his finals." The teens eventually decided to focus their attentions on Kimberly. Apparently, Adam was dealing with this the only way he knew how. At least he finally seemed content....
* * *
Adam smiled at Rocky and waved goodbye as his van sped away from the house. He waited until Rocky was out of sight before stepping back inside. As soon as the door closed behind him, his face fell and he slid down to the floor. "I can't do this anymore, I can't." He buried his head between his knees and sobbed.
Al watched him sympathetically from his backpack. "Adam, you need a rest," Al told him in Billy's voice. "Go upstairs and rest. God knows all this pretending is wearing on you."
"No," Adam sobbed, taking the small bear out of the backpack and hugging him tightly. "I can't do it anymore."
"A nap," said the bear again, his voice growing concerned. "When you wake up you'll feel better."
Adam stood and carried Al into the living room. "You say that every day and I never do. I thought this was supposed to get easier? Billy's been dead for... a long time now, and I still... I can't...." His face crumpled again and he buried it in Al's sort fur. He began pulling rhythmically on the ear.
"Adam, stop pulling on my ear," begged Al. "It's going to come off! Your stitches were so loose last time...."
"Shut up." Adam wiped his tears in Al's hair and the bear sighed.
"Yuck! Adam!"
Adam put the bear down on the couch. "Fine. I'm ending this once and for all. You won't have to deal with my icky germs anymore."
"Wait, Adam, I didn't mean it. I like it when you cry on me. Come here! Slobber all over me! Wait, what are you doing? Adam, cut that out!"
Adam ignored the little bear and continued picking the lock on his father's gun rack. "Just a little more...." He heard a distinctive click. "Yes!" He opened the cabinet and almost lovingly picked up a shiny black revolver. "Dad's service revolver," he told the bear, who was watching him fearfully. "He once told me it could blow a hole in a guy four inches wide. And that was from several feet away. I wonder what'll happen if I put it right... here?" He rested the gun against his temple and grinned at Al. "Do you think my head would explode?"
"Adam, listen to yourself! Think about what you're doing!" Al's plastic eyes were wide, and he seemed to tremble. "This isn't the way!"
"It is," argued Adam, starting up the steps to his room. "It's poetic justice, isn't it? Billy gets blown up, I blow myself up.... Well, my head anyway. I think it'll explode. Like that movie we saw? Where the guy's brains splattered the camera and his eyeball went in that guy's drink? Like that."
Al started to cry. "What about Leili?"
Adam spun around and regarded him coldly. "You shut up about her, you hear me? Shut up!" He ran upstairs and slammed his door behind him.
He could still hear Al shouting after him: "Think of Leili, Adam! She's just a little girl! She loves you!"
Adam shut his eyes tight against the bear's words. "Nonononononono, shut up!" The bear was quiet. Adam raised the gun and rested it against his temple again. "On the count of three," he told himself calmly. "Okay. One..., two..., three."
* * *
Mr. Park returned from work and was surprised to find the door unlocked. Adam must be home. "Adam?" he called as he stepped inside. There was no answer. Then he saw his gun cabinet, the door wide open, the service revolver gone. "What?" He saw the white-haired teddy bear sitting alone on the couch, and his blood went cold. _I emptied it, didn't I? I must have...._ "Adam! Adam where are you!" The house was silent. _Oh, God, please. Please, I thought I'd emptied it...._
He ran into the kitchen, the dining room, calling for his son. Nothing. "Adam!" He bounded up the steps two at a time and burst into his son's room. What he saw shocked him.
Adam sat on the side of the bed, shaking with silent sobs. He held the revolver to his temple, and he was pulling the trigger over and over. The gun continued to click, its chamber empty.
"Oh my God!" John Park ran to him, batting the gun away and grabbing his son in a hug. "Oh, Adam, Oh my God!" He was sobbing now, cradling Adam to his chest, unable to think clearly. "I knew I'd emptied it, I knew I did! Oh God...." Adam wrapped his arms around his father and cried. "Shhh, it's okay. Everything will be all right, Adam, we'll help you. You're going to be fine...."
"Daddy?" came a small voice from the doorway.
John whirled around. "Leili!"
His daughter stood there, gaping at them. "Daddy, what's wrong with Adam? Then she saw the gun lying on the floor. She looked up at Adam, eyes wide and filled with tears. "Adam, what did you--?" Her voice broke off and she ran from the room.
Adam pushed his father away. "Leili! Leili, wait!" He stood and ran after her. "Leili don't run away from me, please!" He fell to his knees just behind her and grabbed her. She screamed and began punching him, kicking him, trying to get away. He held her tight. "Leili, please," he sobbed. "Don't hate me. Don't hate me, I'm sorry. Lee...."
Leili gasped as he uttered the pet name he had used for her since she was an infant. "No!" She stopped struggling and fell into his arms, holding onto him for dear life. "Adam, why? Why?" John stepped into the hallway and gently took hold of Adam, pulling him back toward his room. "Don't take him away, Daddy... Adam!" Leili began to sob, and he reached out her tiny arms toward her brother.
John turned to her, heartbroken. "Adam's going to be fine, Lee, don't you worry. Everything will be all right." He opened the door to Adam's room and led him to the bed, wishing to God he could believe his own words.
* * *
"Rocky, the phone is for you," called his mother. She held out the receiver, and there was something in her eyes that Rocky didn't like one bit.
Somewhat hesitantly, he accepted the phone. "Hello?"
"Rocky!" It was Aisha, and she was crying. "Rocky, we have to go to the hospital, right now!"
"What?" Rocky's heart skipped a beat. "What do you mean?"
"It's Adam! Oh God, Rocky, he tried to kill himself!"
Rocky's knees went weak and he slid to the floor. "What? No, Adam...." The phone fell from nerveless fingers and clattered to the kitchen floor.
* * *
Tommy sat hunched over in one of the waiting room chairs, watching as Rocky and Aisha cried into one another's shoulders. His hair fell into his face and he angrily brushed it back, glaring at the floor. _First Billy, now Adam... what next? Some leader you turned out to be._ He stood angrily and began to pace back and forth.
Aisha regarded him curiously, her chin still resting on Rocky's shoulder. "Tommy?" she sniffled. "Tommy, are you okay?"
Rocky released her and turned to face Tommy. He kept an arm around Aisha, as much for his sanity as hers. She returned the favor and looked up at him gratefully. Tommy merely glowered at them and continued to pace. "Tommy," Rocky managed, swiping a hand across his eyes, "Tommy, he's not hurt. He'll--"
"I know that," Tommy snapped, "I can hear as well as you can."
Rocky jumped a little at the ferocity of Tommy's reply. Aisha hugged him tighter, feeling his body tremble slightly. "Tommy, talk to us" she said, stepping forward. "We can support each other. You don't have to be alone in this, we--"
Tommy whirled around to face her, his long hair swinging into his face again. He grabbed at it violently, yanking it back, and Aisha gasped as she saw several strands come away in his hand. "Just shut up, Aisha, shut up!" His voice was tight, thick with pent-up rage. "I don't need this."
"What?" Aisha stumbled back into Rocky; he wrapped his arms around her and moaned slightly. "What are you talking about?"
Tommy glowered at her, and she saw his eyes begin to glimmer with tears. "It's my fault!" he shouted angrily, and several nurses hurried toward him, shushing him. He paid them no heed. "I was supposed to be in charge. I was supposed to support you all--" A young nurse put her hand on his shoulder, and he batted it away violently. She jerked back and raised her arms in self defense. "None of this would have happened if Jason was still here. I never should have--"
Two nurses and an orderly surrounded him. The orderly and the taller nurse held his arms down while the third gave him a quick injection in his upper arm. Tommy seemed not to notice. He continued shouting at Aisha, his dark eyes haunted. "It should have been me, and it wasn't. Billy's gone, and Adam's... I..." he shook his head as the drug began to take effect. He fell to his knees and Rocky snapped out of his stupor, rushing forward to catch him before he pitched forward onto the carpeted floor. "It's my fault," Tommy finished hoarsely. His tear-filled eyes rolled up into his head, and he slumped into Rocky's arms.
"Oh my God...." Rocky allowed the three workers to take Tommy from him; they placed him on a stretcher and he disappeared into the Emergency Room. Aisha knelt down beside him and gathered him into her arms. Rocky looked at her mournfully. "Why didn't they kill us?" he asked tearfully. "Why didn't they just...?" He burst into tears, and Aisha gasped, feeling her own tears rise up once again.
"Don't say that, please...." she managed. "Rocky, don't ever say that. Don't ever give up." She took his chin and lifted his face to look him in the eyes. "Rocky, look at me. We can't give up. Remember; life always goes on."
He nodded slightly. "Yes. I know."
The words held such grief and confusion, Aisha almost felt her heart rip in two. She kissed him gently and drew him back into the hug. From outside, Kimberly watched them expressionlessly, a Marlboro unfiltered dangling from nicotine-stained fingers.
