Kilgore Trout Sci-Fi Collection

Monster's Mind


Corwyn Green

(1997)

(dedicated to Kilgore Trout the character in Kurt Vonnegut's books)

On a whim, the Unna-med Aliens chose a single human to represent the entire Earth in a deadly battle with a creature from another planet. The Aliens would have accepted anyone, from the weakest new-born to the largest sumo-wrestler. But they did not choose their warriors for strength or intelligence, but for entertainment value.
Their human they finally chose, Aaron Adams, was like every one else: slightly more or less than average on everything. He was slightly taller than average, slightly thinner than average, and scored slightly better than average on human intelligence-grading tests.
He held unexpressed thoughts that were pure poetry, that, if expressed in his High School, would have made him a social disaster. He acted on intense emotions he did not know he had. He dreamed of success, money, and prestige in endeavors he would never undertake.
Aaron liked hot dogs and pizza, but not hamburgers. He liked the Internet and knew all the best role-playing games. He liked football but never played it.
He occasionally read Star Trek novels because the local T.V. stations didn't carry the show and his parents refused to get cable. His reading attracted bullies, so he took Ninjitsu classes for a year. When he was a yellow-belt, he quit Ninjitsu because the teacher kept making him fight a green-belt, but by then he had become good enough to at least leave the bullies with some bruises, discouraging them from further conflict.
When the Aliens snatched him from Earth, Aaron left behind a gold-haired, slightly anorexic girlfriend who liked sunflowers and body-piercing. He also left behind a round-faced, round-bodied, girlfriend who liked 50's music and going out on Saturday nights. Neither one knew that Aaron was going out with the other. But what Aaron didn't know, but the rest of the High School did, was that the blonde was also going out with the school's best guitar player and that the Saturday-night girl went out on Fridays with someone other that Aaron and on Sundays with someone else still. If Aaron died in the fight, neither girl would die of a broken heart.
Aaron didn't think of his girlfriends as he waited for his opponent to appear on a large black triangle that floated in a foggy white nothingness. He thought of his parents, and wondered if the Unna-med Aliens chose him from an alphabetically ordered list. His name made him first for any unpleasant task on Earth, so why should his luck be different off Earth? he thought.
In truth the Aliens-who didn't have names--didn't care about Aaron's. They chose him because, of all humans, the black lustre of his rebelliously un-cut hair best matched the black shine of the battlefield's surface. Not to imply that the Unna-med Aliens didn't care who lost and who won. They cared very much, since the loser would be the new source of food for the Unna-med Aliens, and unless the winner proved squeamish about such things, for the winner's race as well.
The truth was, the Unna-med Aliens were a very old race and everyone agreed that they were senile and should he dying out soon--everyone had thougth that for billions of years now, and races had been born and destroyed in that time--all thinking the Unna-med aliens were about to die. But senile or not, the Aliens and their technology inspired terror and instant obedience in anyone they came in contact with. They could not, now, invent such devices as the ones they had, they could not even replace the ones they lost. But the heartening decline in their technical abilities was irrelevant--they had so many strange technologies left over from the time they were young-- and thriving in the universe like maggots in crap--that their devices would outlast the end of the Universe, and maybe, even the end of the Unna-med Aliens themselves.
Sometimes the Aliens gave some of their technology to the younger races as tokens of favor. To up the stakes, the Aliens decided to bestow just such a token of favor on whoever won the upcoming battle. The aliens cared about sensation, not logic. Logically, there was no reason to put Aaron in the fight because most members of the Alien race wouldn't eat humans if humans were the last source of fresh meat in the galaxy, yet all agreed that Aaron's opponent would be a very refreshing addition to their menus. The Aliens could have simply taken a majority vote amongst themselves and decided to eat Aaron's opponent, but they wouldn't even consider such a thing when they could stage a duel instead.
And so, the fate of the Earth rested on the shoulders of a High School kid with an alliterative name.

Aaron didn't know that the battlefield was triangular for a reason, as there were supposed to be three races fighting. The third race had used a piece of lethal technology, which it had obtained from the Aliens for a past service, to destroy itself and it's planet. The third race had committed auto-genocide to avoid becoming Alien food or being partly responsible for bringing that doom to another race. The third race didn't even consider using the Alien's technology against the Aliens: they knew the Aliens too well.
Aaron wasn't afraid of the Aliens at all. In fact, he ached to fight one of the Aliens instead of whoever they set against him. Aaron wasn't afraid of his opponent either. He didn't know what creature he was up against, but he knew that the creature was similarly disadvantaged. He thought of what lay ahead of him as "just a fight", different, but not any more difficult, than the ones he's been in before. The stakes were higher, but he didn't care about the stakes--he didn't care that humanity would die if he lost. He survived High School and a job as a bagger in a supermarket. He had faced humanity's casual cruelty instead of pretending it didn't exist. And no matter how much ridicule they drew, he had not (yet) given up his Star Trek novels. He actually found death and Aliens a lot easier to face than life and humanity.

When Aaron's opponent appeared on the far side of the triangle, he almost laughed. By any science-fiction fan's standards, his opponent was a Bug-Eyed-Monster: the kind of creature portrayed in 1950's low-budget alien- attacks-Earth movies. Not only was it a B.E.M., but it was a humanoid B.E.M.. Aaron half expected it to take off it's head and reveal an actor underneath. But no, the fangs dripped just a bit too much saliva. The orange eyes were a little too large and far apart to be human and too mobile to be plastic. The red spaghetti-looking hair was obviously attached to living skin.
Aaron saw the irony that first extra-terrestrial that a human encountered didn't have the exotic phsyology but obviously human soul that modern sci-fi insisted on portraying, but was the over-used BEM no writer who actually expects to get published would write about. Maybe it had emotions humans didn't and vice versa, but Aaron saw no way he could find out.
The B.E.M., true to stereotype, spread its arms wide and roared.
So, Aaron thought, gorillas beat their chests, this one spreads its arms. These creatures probably wrestle opponents instead of beating them into pulps.
But no matter how his opponent looked, no matter how violent his(?) disposition, Aaron knew that the B.E. M. wasn't the real enemy. That honor Aaron reserved for the unseen, unheard ones who had created this game and put the rules in his head. Aaron, raised on liberal politics, Star Trek, and the more inane kinds of comics, thought he was a sophisticated member of the human race. He often declared that he abhorred violence, usually to show any gathered audience that his opponent was leaving him no choice.
Although he wouldn't hesitate to kill any or all of the Unna-med Aliens--that would have been self-defense and therefore justice--he could not simply attack his opponent, who was as little to blame for the situation as Aaron.
The creature roared louder. It seemed to be getting more confident, shuffling back and forth in its corner.
Aaron did his best "I won't fight you. They can't make us fight if we don't. Habla espanol? Parlevu Frances?" (Aaron was glad the B.E.M. didn't because he sure didn't). The B.E.M. had toned down its growling to hear what Aaron was saying, but started lumbering forward as soon as he stopped. So he started talking again. "Myr. Ya lyublu vas." those were the only words he knew in Russian. The beast flexed its muscles. A primitive aggression display?
What about body language? If the beast used displays of aggression, it could also use displays of love. He held his arms forward, palms outward, in what he understood as the universal gesture of good will.
It displayed its long, wet fangs.
Aaron tried telepathy, desperately thinking happy loving thoughts at it with all his might.
Maybe he had communicated something, because the B.E.M. chose this moment to charge. Apparently, it wouldn't hesitate to kill him. Apparently, killing was its first--and only--choice, while Aaron had at least tried to establish mutual understanding between races. So, Aaron reasoned, if the B.E.M. was a genuine representative of his race, and Aaron lost the fight to it, then the surviving race would be one of brutal primitives, of murderers. Yet if he killed just this once, humanity would survive and might, with time, confront the beings who had staged this conflict in the first place.

Aaron waited until the B.E.M. was almost upon him and kicked. Aaron was ready to back up the kick with blocks or more blows, depending on the situation, but rather than halting the beast or throwing it back, Aaron's foot had gone straight through the thing, coming out the other side. The B.E.M. had looked like a gorilla, but it was as soft as wet clay.
The beast's momentum had carried it forward, and it closed its arms around Aaron to keep itself from falling. Its fangs were right where Aaron's neck was, but it didn't try to bite.
"Oommmm?" it said and collapsed onto him.
Aaron found out that its fangs were as soft as a jellyfish and wet like a dog's tongue.
Aaron lowered the creature to the floor and knelt beside it as best he could, considering that his foot was still inside it. He desperately wanted to apologize, but knew that this wasn't Star Trek and aliens didn't speak English. The only way he could think of communicating to it was by kissing it on its hairy forehead--and then he knew that it had understood Aaron from the first--it had understood his universal gesture of good will and his desperate loving thoughts. It was also trying to communicate. This race wore their emotions like clouds around their bodies, and their thoughts as facial expressions. They communicated empathically, by being near each other. Now that Aaron was in its emotion-cloud, he knew. This creature would rather die than kill.
The creature was a lot like Aaron in one way: it thought every living thing reasoned like it did. It had thought that any being smart enough to understand the rules of the senile Alien's game would also be smart enough not to play by them. Also, every time it had made gestures of friendliness, Aaron had responded with his own gestures of peacefulness and friendliness. When Aaron telepathically broadcast happy loving thoughts, it had gotten them clearly and thought that this was the perfect time to act, to try to get Aaron into its emotion cloud. It did not expect that Aaron would lash out so suddenly. It could not conceive of a creature that would act in such an alien way--to project love while trying to kill--even if it was an alien, and so it died.
The Unna-Med aliens set Aaron free again and gave him technological gift, which, he was unsurprised to discover, was a weapon.

The Unna-med Aliens were pleased--they had hoped Aaron would win. They were glad they didn't have to eat humans.
After several years on Earth, Aaron was able to observe the restaurants competing with each other over who could serve the best "space-man beef" without having any unsightly emotional displays. He could even eat his vegetarian meals in the same room with the rest of his family without wondering if they were eating the same being he had killed. He could even listen to people talk about how lucky they were to live now--with alien meet and electronic music, things people of only a few generations ago could not have--without making himself seem like an insane back-to-the-earther by arguing with them.
But he couldn't kill himself, and he couldn't stop screaming at night, and he still played around with the Unna-med Alien's technology, hoping to discover something that would hurt the Unna-med Aliens or at least change his own life.


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