[Fade in on the bottom of a car. The camera's below the rear bumper,
inches above the ground, tilted up a few degrees from the horizontal. A
small part of the Disney lot is visible between the ground and the front
bumper. With the sound of plastic hitting plastic, the car shakes and
leans a little to the right, then shakes some more and levels out. The
door closes and the engine starts. The car drives off ahead, into view.
It's a goldish-brown 1991 Mercury Cougar XR7. Its license plate reads "LEO
9," and it has two bumper stickers. One features a Silicon Graphics logo
and says "I'd rather be compositing," and the other simply says "My other
car is a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California." The tires are Uniroyal Tiger
Paws. The car rounds a turn and disappears from the frame. Timon and
Pumbaa rush into view from behind the camera and shout after the car.]
Timon: Stop!
Pumbaa: Wait!
Timon: We thought of another version of "Can You Feel the Love Tonight"!
Pumbaa: Our sixty-eighth so far!
Timon: Hold it!
Timon and Pumbaa: WAIT!
[Timon and Pumbaa exchange glances.]
Timon: Was it something I said?
Pumbaa: I *told* you we'd just miss him.
Timon: Yeah....
[Cut to a shot through the front windshield of Simba driving the Cougar out
of the Disney lot, and then through the streets of Burbank. Stacks of
optical discs fill the passenger seat. He turns on the radio.]
Radio: "...singin' this'll be the day that I die,
This'll be the--"
Simba: Ugh. Don't remind me.
[Simba reaches down and changes the station. The last few instrumental
seconds are playing.]
Radio: That was Elton John's rendition of "Circle of Life," off the new
soundtrack to "The Lion King," just in here at the studio. And I swear, as
I took the CD out of the case just now, it was warm. I mean, really warm,
like it was right off the presses. Weird, huh? (chuckle) John Mellencamp
before that with "Wild Night." It's the top of the hour, I'm Angela
Harris, and you're tuned to KLFA-FM, Los Angeles-- All Pride. All Rock.
In baseball news today, Milwaukee topped the motor city, 7 to 11, with the
Brewers scoring seven runs in the sixth inning.
Simba: Aw! Come on, Detroit!
Radio: A little closer to home, the Dodgers lost 4 to 2 tonight to the
Cincinnati Reds. Better luck next time, guys. And we'd like to wish a
safe drive home to all those out at Dodger Stadium. Speaking of baseball,
when asked yesterday about the possibility of a strike, President Clinton
remarked, "I hope not, but it sure looks that way, doesn't it?" Well, we
here at KLFA hope not, too, but back to music we must go. By request,
here's Billy Joel, and "Pressure."
[The song starts. Simba stops the car and opens a map. Cut to a shot into
the car from behind Simba. The top of the map reads "Greater Los Angeles
Motor Organization-- Remember Where You Are."]
Simba: Let's see... I get off at McKinley, make a right, go down two
lights and I'm there. Sounds easy enough.
[Simba puts down the map. He's stopped at a red light on the on-ramp to an
empty freeway.]
Simba: What the heck? [turning around and looking out the window]
Where is everybo--
[Pan quickly to the part of the freeway behind Simba. About a quarter mile
away, an enormous herd of cars is approaching-- at very high velocity. Cut
to Simba, gaping at what he sees. Simba turns to the traffic light, and as
he's looking at it, it turns green. He looks back at the stampede, groans
and winces anxiously while he assesses the situation for a second, then
floors the accelerator.]
[Cut to Scar, in a light-gray 1994 Jaguar XJ12, stopped on a bridge over
the freeway. Simba and the herd are visible through the passenger-side
window, and Scar is watching them. Scar's window is open.]
Scar: Now this looks familiar. Hmmm. Where have I seen this before?
Let me think. Hmmm... hmmm.
Off-camera voice: Excuse me?
Scar [turning around, to the camera]: Hmmm?
Voice: Do you know how to get to Clifton Boulevard from here?
Scar: I have *no* idea.
[Cut to the Cougar. Though it's accelerating now, it didn't have enough
speed to start with, and it gets caught in the crowd before it gets up to
speed.]
[Cut to the projection room of the El Capitan. The back wall is lined with
tall, narrow drawers, film-rewinding mechanisms, empty take-up reels, movie
posters, cabinets, and sound and ventilation equipment. The foreground
features two industrial-strength projectors and Banzai, the projectionist,
looking at his watch.]
Banzai: What is this? It's less than an hour to go, and I ain't got no
stinkin' print! Did I get the date wrong or something? [Walks to
observation window and looks out] But the house is full. We must be
showin' SOMETHING. So what's the holdup?
[Cut to the Cougar symbol on the grille, and the sound of a roar. Move the
camera up and change the focus to Simba, behind the wheel, roaring.]
Simba: Man, oh, man! If it isn't one thing with me, it's another! And--
[A car cuts Simba off.]
Simba [honking]: Hey! Watch it! Geez, animals are such PEOPLE when
they get on the road!
[Cut to a close-up of Ed.]
Ed: Eh oo muh ha ha gaak ee...
[Cut to Mufasa and Ed, in a private box or other secluded area of the El
Capitan, with a large covered poster on a stand between them. Young Simba
and Young Nala, the Buena Vista Home Video executives, are sitting across
from them.]
Mufasa: ...and an advertised release on March 3rd.
Simba: Sounds pretty good. Will it be closed-captioned?
Mufasa: Of course!
Nala: Letterboxed?
[Ed shudders.]
Mufasa: Of course not.
Ed [to Mufasa]: Uh mee doo guh fah.
Mufasa: Oh, that's right. We'll put about three and a half minutes of
promos before the feature.
Simba and Nala: WHAT?!
Mufasa: Uh... two and a half?
Nala: No, you don't understand!
Simba: We LOVE those trailers!
Nala: We can't get enough of them!
Simba: Make sure you put in ten minutes' worth, at least!
Mufasa [to Ed]: Well, uh...
Ed: Uh...
Mufasa: Okay. We'll see what we can find to put there.
Ed: Uh hee hee hee!
Mufasa: And this is the design we drew up for the box cover.
[Ed takes the cloth off, revealing a blown-up picture of the video box
illustration.]
Nala: Oh, that's great!
Mufasa: Yes, but we could-- what?
Simba: Yeah, it's really cool. I like it a lot.
Mufasa: But it was just a ske-- well, okay. If you say so.
Ed: BAH ha ha ha!
Simba [whispering to Nala]: Um, when did the optician say our new
contacts would be ready?
Nala [whispering back]: Friday.
[Cut to Adult Simba, still on the freeway, in the leftmost lane. He drives
under a sign that says "Exit 164-- McKinley Avenue-- 1/4 mile."]
Simba: Shoot! That's my exit!
[Simba starts to swerve his way back through the mess of cars. He jerks
ahead, cuts across two lanes, jerks back, cuts across three more (barely
missing potentially awful collisions), and finally makes it to the exit
ramp. He stops and looks back at the freeway. It's empty, except for a
single light-blue 1982 Peugeot (You were expecting a Lynx? Or an Impala?)
trailing behind.]
Simba: How in the...?
[Simba shakes his head and drives off. Zoom in on the Peugeot, then cut to
the inside. Rafiki's driving, listening to the radio.]
Radio: "Hey, hey, we're the Monkees! Hey, hey, we're the Monkees..."
Hey, hey, you're listening to the Basin's Best Oldies on AM 500. You just
heard the Tokens, followed by the Monkees with their theme song. And now,
kicking off the second half of our daily twenty-minute music marathon,
here's David Seville. "I told the witch doctor I was in love with you. I
told the witch doctor I was in love with you."
Rafiki [turning up the volume]: Oh! I love this song!
Radio: "And then the witch doctor, he told me what to do. He said that,"
Rafiki and radio: "Oo, ee, oo ah ah, ting, tang, walla walla bing bang,"
[Cut to an overhead shot of the car.]
Rafiki and radio: "Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang!"
[Dissolve to a small storefront business. Sarafina, an employee, stands
behind the counter and Simba in front of it with the optical disks stacked
on top.]
Sarafina: Welcome to DigiFilm. I'm Sarafina. How may I help you?
Simba: You print SGI files to film?
Sarafina: Yes...
Simba: Whew! Good. I need... hey, you look familiar. Have we met?
Sarafina: Hmmm... no, I don't think so.
Simba: Well, no time for that anyway. I need these on 70mm in...
[checks watch]
[Cut to Simba's watch. Yep, it's the countdown clock, and it reads
0:24:27.2. Cut back to counter shot.]
Simba: Oh no! I have twenty-four minutes to get a movie of
eighty-eight finished? Uh, just get started right away.
Sarafina: Sure thing. Um, is there *sound* for this?
Simba: What do *you* think, Sarafina? We haven't released a silent
film since... the '50s, I think. Yeah, of course there's sound! I just...
don't... have...... it.......
[Out the front window a big cardboard box filled with about thirty reels of
audio tape falls from the sky and crashes on the sidewalk. A few reels
come close, but none of them fall out of the box. Zazu flies down and
hovers.]
Zazu: Sorry! Sorry...
[Zazu picks up the box, brings it inside, and places it on the counter.]
Zazu: Here it is! The final cut! Sorry about that... hope I didn't
startle anyone. [to Sarafina] Dolby Stereo, please. [to both] And I'm
happy to report that that was the only time I dropped it, and it couldn't
have been more than twenty feet.
Simba: Yeah, okay, don't worry about it. [to Sarafina] How long will
it take to do just the first reel of film?
Sarafina: About five minutes.
Simba: But that has to be, what, ten minutes of film, at least?
Sarafina: Yes, I know. We just got some new technology in that
actually lets us work *faster* than real time. [gets to work]
[Simba and Zazu exchange glances and smile -- Zazu because he's relieved,
Simba because he's thinking]
Simba: You know, *someone*'s going to have to run this down to the
theater...
Zazu: Well, that's obvious.
Simba: But it's clear across town. There's no way we can get it there
through ground transportation.
Zazu: Yes, I suppose you're right.
[Simba gives Zazu a look that says "You know what I mean."]
Zazu: What? Oh, no, Master, you can't be serious! I'm an engineer,
not a carrier pigeon! [Start fading out] Oh, this is so humiliating!
[Finish fading out. Fade in on the back of the El Capitan theater -- the
deliveries door. Pan upwards to Zazu, clutching with his feet a thick reel
of 70mm film about three feet in diameter. Two feet of leader is hanging
from one end. Pan back down as Zazu reaches the ground. He sets the reel
on the ground upright and rests upon it.]
Zazu [catching his breath]: Almost... there.... I know... this wasn't
in... my job description.
[Cut to Banzai, reading "Variety" in the projection booth. A reel of film
rolls across the frame and catches his attention.]
Banzai: What the hey?
[The reel stops when it hits the wall. Zazu enters from the opposite side
and points.]
Zazu: THERE'S (gasp gasp) The First (gasp pant) reel.
Banzai: Man, it's about time you showed up! I didn't think you guys
were gonna make it! [Takes reel] Hey, I thought this thing was a feature!
You mean it's just a short? Cool! I get to go home earlier than I thought!
Zazu: No! (gasp) It's a feature.
Banzai: Well, where's the rest of it?
Zazu: No time to talk! I still have six more of these trips to make!
[Fade out. Fade in on the front of DigiFilm. Simba and Sarafina are still
at the counter.]
Simba: What do you MEAN you don't take American Express?
Sarafina: I'm sorry...
[Freeze-frame.]
Mufasa [voice-over]: Because at DigiFilm, they'll take over ten types
of electronic mass storage... but they WON'T take American Express.
[Resume action.]
Simba: Well, how much did you say this came to?
Sarafina: Let's see... that's 88 minutes on 70mm with Dolby Stereo...
$504,812.40.
Simba: Oh, man...
[Zazu flies in]
Zazu: Well, that was a relatively effortless flight!
Simba: Good, because we almost have the second reel finished.
Zazu: I was referring to the RETURN trip. I had forgotten how good
flying felt when I wasn't carrying cargo. I never had to do this when I
worked for NBC.
Simba: I never knew you worked for network television!
Zazu: That's because I never did. It was the New Brunswick Carnivores.
Simba: Oh, a sports team?
Zazu: Getting warmer. They were a Canadian punk band.
Simba: I see.
Zazu: They were quite big in the late '80s, but the music environment
changed and they couldn't adapt, so they died out.
Simba: Really. Listen, do you have a MasterCard or Visa on you?
Zazu: I think so. Why?
Simba: What's the credit limit?
Zazu [looks at Simba, then Sarafina, then Simba again]: Oh no.
[Fade out. Roll end titles. After a few seconds, fade in on the following
scene, keeping the titles rolling normally. Honolulu, Hawaii. Saturday,
June 18th, 1994, 10:30 a.m. Fade in on Zazu, on a deck chair on a sandy
beach, reading a paperback copy of George Orwell's "Animal Farm." He's
wearing sunglasses and sitting next to a cellular phone. "I'm Free" by the
Soup Dragons is playing in the background. The phone rings, and Zazu puts
down the book and answers the phone.]
Zazu: Yes?... Oh, good morning, Sire.... Mm-hmm.... That's right....
Uh, no, Sire, the agreement was TEN weeks paid vacation.... Yes, I
distinctly remember it.... Oh, really? Need I remind you that it was I
who delivered the final audio to DigiFilm and every reel of the first print
to the theater? That it's because of me that the premiere started on time?
And don't forget that I single-wingedly made the down payment for the film
transfer.... Yes, you reimbursed me, but my credit rating now has a
question mark at the end and the bank is still confused.... Oh, splendid.
You're starting to remember.... Yes, that's right, all meal and
accomodation expenses too.... Right, we agreed I'd pick up the air
fare.... Yes, I said "air fare"! You think I'm going to fly myself across
the Pacific WITH LUGGAGE after what happened Wednesday?!... I should hope
not.... Then we're clear?... Good. See you for the first meetings for
"Hunchback"!... Goodbye, Sire.
[Zazu hangs up the phone and starts reading again. Fade out. Bring the
music to the foreground and finish titles.]
Super Stress Day 3.1
Written by
Jason Knight
jdk10@po.cwru.edu
FDC Audio Engineer TLKMuck Mzaha
Starring
(in order of appearance, more or less)
the Audio Engineer Zazu
the Producer Ed
the Director Mufasa
Jeremy Irons Scar
the Effects Animator Rafiki
Elton John Timon
Tim Rice Pumbaa
the Clean-Up Artist Sarabi
the CAPS Operator Adult Simba
the Background Painter Adult Nala
the Walt Disney Records Executive Shenzi
the DigiFilm Employee Sarafina
the Projectionist Banzai
the Buena Vista Young Simba
Home Video Executives Young Nala
Casting by
Jason Knight
Edited by
Terry Finnegan
Andy Heroff
Frederik Udsen
Inspiration and Motivation
David Cleary (original concept)
Terry Finnegan (opening scene, using Young Simba and Young Nala)
Frederik Udsen (stampede scene)
Andy Heroff (video box scenes)
Carbon Based Souls (New Brunswick Carnivores)
Research Materials Provided by
The Cleveland Public Library
The Lakewood Public Library
Camelot Music
Car and Driver
The Cleveland Plain Dealer
The Los Angeles Times
Motor Trend
Motor Week
Special Thanks to
My editors
Everyone on alt.fan.lion-king
Everyone on the Lion King Mailing List
Brian Tiemann, FAQ Maintainer
Matt Robinson, Director of Purchasing
John Norstad, author of NewsWatcher
Qualcomm, developers of Eudora
Heather Hirsch at Digital Planet
The Walt Disney Company
Produced by
Anti-Canon Enterprises
Distributed by
Case Western Reserve University
the Lion King Mailing List
the Usenet News Distribution System
and the World Wide Web
I am in no way affiliated with the Walt Disney Company. All characters
from the Lion King are intellectual property copyrighted by Disney. This
work may not be sold, but otherwise may be freely distributed in its
unmodified form -- meaning as long as it is kept in its entirety (all three
reels, from the word "Introduction" to the end of the signature). This is
a caricature of, and not an attack on, certain living persons. Though
resemblance to actual events may be more than coincidental, nothing stated
or implied in this story is necessarily true.
--------------------------------| __ _|------------
"What do *you* think, Sarafina?"| | / |Jason Knight
|, |< | jdk10
--Simba, the CAPS operator. |\__/ \_|@po.cwru.edu
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