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"Be Prepared--Kings to Take It All"
Written by  Dave Cleary (dcleary@fas.harvard.edu)
Copyright: 1996. Originally posted 6/11/96.

Author's note:
Just got a brainstorm for a TLK parody and scribbled it up. Comments and
suggestions welcome. Think of a sportswriter writing a little rah-rah
article on the hometown baseball team.

Thanks to Jason Knight for his helpful suggestions and comments.
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                BE PREPARED--KINGS TO TAKE IT ALL

                by Leo "The Lip" Leopard
                sportwriter, The Pride Lands Post-Dispatch


Summer is under way and the baseball season is just starting down here. This
year, let's welcome a new, tough team to the African League East
Division--The Pride Rock Kings. Meet their impressive lineup: there'll be no
worries in Pride Land country, but plenty for their opponents.

First Base: This is a position often manned (lionned?) by an old muscular
pro who can whack the ball a mile but may not have the flexibility and range
he used to in the field. Mufasa will play here. A big, buffed leonine who
can really get his weight into a swing of the bat. And if he can snatch a
cub hurtling through the air in a wildebeest stampede, he'll be great at
digging those errant low throws to first out of the dirt.

Second base: What? A hyena here? (In fact, there are three on this team).
But, well, you know what they say: necessity is the mother of strange
bedfellows (or something like that). Shenzi will patrol the keystone sack.
She's quick and agile, able to absorb a tough take-out slide on the double
play from opposing baserunners and still come up throwing (even if they try
to scratch her cheek).

Shortstop: Well, they don't come any shorter than Timon, right? Not a lot of
natural ability, but can scamper into the hole to make the play on a
grounder. And if anyone can talk the ball into his glove, it'll be this
silver-tongued meerkat. (Just tell him the ball is a bug and he'll snag it
every time).

Third Base: For the hot corner, you need someone with experience around
"birdie boilers." Like Ed, for instance. He can blast the long throw to
first base like a hornbill shot out of a thermal vent. He's fearless,
willing to take those fast grounders down the line off his noggin if needed.
Like he's got anything to hurt up between those ears, right?

Outfield: We need three--and we've got 'em. At these positions, you need
players with range and speed, someone to chase down those long fly balls and
hot shots to the gap. At center field in particular, you need someone who
can really fly: Zazu is a natural here. At the other spots, there's a lot of
ground to cover, from jungle to desert to savanna in a trice. With Simba in
right field and Nala in left field, you've got the best. Can you feel the
glove tonight? These two can, you can be sure.

Catcher: Who's going to don the so-called "tools of ignorance?" Pumbaa will
be a natural. He's a real wide-body able to get low to the ground and root
out those errant pitches in the dirt.

Starting Pitchers: Looks like they're going with a three-man rotation:

1. Scar--a tough competitor who would kill his own brother for a win. Slings
a mean fast ball with all the strength of a hornbill backhanded into a rocky
cliff. And with his apparently non-retractible claws, he's a natural to
throw the cut fastball.

2. Banzai--a sneaky pitcher, loaded with guile. Like Gaylord Perry and
Burleigh Grimes before him, is a master of the spitball--er, droolball, that is.

3. Sarabi--soft-spoken, but a competitor. Her ability to hit the corners of
the plate with her special circle (of life) changeup will have the hitters
swinging at air.

Relief Pitchers: On the rare instances that the starters can't go the
distance, there are two top hurlers in the bullpen:

1. Gopher--the setup man. Has a mean trick pitch, thrown from--what else--a
submarine-style delivery.

2. Sarafina--the closer. Here you need someone who can strand runners and
close out the game quickly, saving the win for an errant starting pitcher.
She'll finish up the game faster than you can say, "I don't know.
Hmmmmm.....what do you think, Sarabi?"

Manager/Designated Hitter: You need a real intellectual, a very wise monkey
indeed to plan successful strategy for a top team like this, and Rafiki's
the one, no doubt. And he'll be the designated hitter when needed. Speaks
softly, but carries a big stick--just ask Simba, who has the bump on his
head to prove it.

I tell you, I see no flaws in this bunch. The Kings are going to take the
World Series crown, no doubt about it. So, be prepared--these guys just
can't wait to be champs!

Dave
Saint, FCOS

dcleary@fas.harvard.edu
(David Cleary)

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