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"Poor Unfortunate Grads"
Written by Kevin Chen (kc2w+@andrew.cmu.edu)
To the tune of "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from _The Little
  Mermaid_. Lyrics by Howard Ashman, music by Alan Menken.
Copyright: 1993-4 Kevin Chen; a Padded Cell Musical Parody
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"Poor Unfortunate Grads"

I admit that in the past I've taught a hard course
They weren't kidding when they said my classes suck
And you'll find that nowadays
I teach the same old way
And if you fail my course well, kid, tough luck (too bad)

And I fortunately know a little physics
It's a field in which I dabble frequently
And dear lady, I don't shit
When I say it's requisite
For a bach'lor's, master's, or a Ph.D. (pathetic)

Those poor unfortunate grads
Almost a crime
This one wants a thesis topic, that one wants a research job
And do I help them?
If I've time
Those poor unfortunate grads
Tearing their hair
They come flocking to my office crying "Help, professor please"
And I help them
If I'm there

Now it's happened once or twice
I'm not feeling all that nice
And I'm afraid I ripped into them heaps and scads
Yes, I've often bad reviews
But I've got tenure, so you lose
With those poor unfortunate grads.

Prof: So, you wanted to see me?
Student: If I drop this course, I'll never get my degree.
Prof: Yes, but you'll have your sanity. Life's full of tough
  choices, innit?  And there's one more thing--we haven't
  discussed the matter of payment.
Student: But I don't have--
Prof: I'm not asking much, a token, really, a trifle. What I
  want is--a TA.
Student: But how will I--?
Prof: You'll have your books, some lecture notes. And don't 
  forget the importance of office hours--hah!

The students here don't like to go to lecture
They think attending classes is a bore
Or if a topic's much too deep
They curl up and go to sleep
'Cause after all, dear, what are study sessions for?

Come on, they're not all that impressed with dissertation
True college students miss it if they can
Yes, they'll often stay aloof
Before list'ning to a proof
And why learn it now if you can later cram?

Come on, you poor unfortunate grad
Go ahead, have some strife
I'm a very busy person and I haven't got all day
It won't cost much, just your life

You poor unfortunate grad
So sad, but true
If you want to get ahead my dear you've got to work a tad
Just say yes; I'll be impressed--my dear it's really not that bad
Einstein, Newton, now I've got her boys--the boss is truly rad
This poor
Un-fortunate
Grad