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"Hell" and "Hell (Reprise)"
Written by Amberle Ferrian
To the tune of "Belle" and "Belle (Reprise)" from _Beauty and
  the Beast_. Lyrics by Howard Ashman, music by Alan Menken.
Copyright: 1992, 1993 Amberle Ferrian. Permission is hereby
  granted to distribute this parody freely in its original 
  form for nonprofit use. Version 1.2
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"Hell"

[Imagine Belle, the heroine of the movie, as a college taking
--but not enjoying--a killer class with a really slimy professor.
Belle comes out of her dorm building and starts walking to campus,
bookbag in hand replacing her basket.]

BELLE:
Oh this course
It is so un-pleas-ant!
Ev'ry night, stu-dy-ing 'til dawn
I wake up, and I drown in coffee
Be-fore class I say

STUDENTS 1-5:
This sucks! This sucks! This sucks! This sucks! This sucks! 

BELLE:
There's my old boyfriend com-plain-ing as always
The same old bitch-n-moans to tell.
Ev'ry morning just the same
Since the first day that we came
To this Godforsaken class	

EXBEAU:  Man, this is hell!
BELLE:  Tell me about it!
EXBEAU:  Where are you off to?
BELLE:  The library. I just finished the most painful
  assignment! Full of equations, and integrals, and... 
EXBEAU:  That's gross!  Can I copy it? Thanks! 

ASSORTED STUDENTS:
Look at her, people, she's dead-tired, no question,
Pulled an all-nighter, can't you tell?
Can't enjoy this fine spring day,
There's home-work in the way,
No denying that this se-mes-ter is hell!

"Hello! Good day! How was the last test?
"Hello! Good day! It ain't a trife!
"I need an A!" "That's not realistic!"

BELLE:  I don't want this to be my whole damn life!

[Belle walks to the library circulation desk]

LIBRARIAN: Ah, Belle!

BELLE: Good morning. I've come to return the text I borrowed.

LIB'N: Finished already?

BELLE: Oh, I couldn't understand it. Have you got anything easier?

LIB'N: They've all been checked out!

BELLE: That's all right. I'll just...forget about it!

LIB'N: Give up?  But you'll fail!

BELLE: But I can't stand this class!  Unfair grading, boring
  labs, stupid readings, a professor who can't teach!

LIB'N: If you hate it all that much, just drop it!

BELLE: But how!

LIB'N: Just do it!

BELLE: Well, I'll forge a drop card. Thank you very much!

[Geeky teaching assistant for the class walks by]

MORE ASSORTED STUDENTS:
Look here he comes, that TA's tot'lly useless,
He sure don't know this stuff that well.
Prob-lem sess-ions are a joke
When they're taught by this poor bloke,
And on top of that, he needs a bath, he smells!

BELLE:
Oh, isn't this disgusting!
My exam is back, and don't you see
Here's where I lost thir-ty points
And he said we wouldn't co-ver this 'til Chapter Three.

STILL MORE ASSORTED STUDENTS:
Now it's no wonder that we all are flunk-ing,
The prof has got no heart, it seems.
And un-der-neath it all
I think he's havin' a ball
Very cruel to all of us is he,
Grades on a curve based on a D,
This class turns all our minds to sour cream!

[Professor walks by with a weasly postdoc following]

POSTDOC: Wow, you pull out all stops, Doctor! You're the
  worst instructor in the whole world!

PROF: I know!

PDOC:   No undergrad alive can understand your lectures! Heh,
  heh, no grad student, either!

PROF: It's true, of course!  And I've got my sights sets on 
  failing...THAT one!  [points to Belle]

PDOC: A first-year!

PROF: She's the one! The lucky first-year I'm gonna flunk!

PDOC: But they're...

PROF: The most clueless of them all!

PDOC: But...

PROF: That makes them the easiest! And shouldn't I start with 
  the easiest?

PDOC: Well, of course, you should, but but...

PROF:
Right from the moment when I lost my tenure
I said, "My research didn't sell!"
They're gonna run me out of town
So I'll drag this college down
And I'm making plans to turn this class to hell!

BIMBETTES:
Look there he goes. Ain't he an ass-hole?
But I--need a--pass-ing grade now!
I'll of-fer me! Yes, I have sunk low!
One night with him and I'll grad-u-ate somehow!

[Prof. walks in classroom]

TA: Hello!
PROF: Pardon?
TA: Good day!
STUDENT 1: Oh no!
STUDENT 2: This seat is taken!
STUDENT 3: What a lovely day!
STUDENT 1: To sleep...
STUDENT 2: Do it here.
STUDENT 1:  Okay!
PROF: 'Tenshun!
STUDENT 1:  Wake me when he's done!
PROF: Please listen up! Now class...
STUDENTS: ...
PROF: Pop quiz!
STUDENTS: Huh what?
STUDENT 1: You are mistaken!

BELLE: I don't want this to be my whole damn life!
PROF:  I'll make you suffer just like my ex-wife!

STUDENT CHORUS:
Here we go once more, as con-fused as al-ways,
Until we are saved by the bell.
We hate this, but alas
It's a re-qui-red class
So let's grin and get this over with
It hurts but we'll get this over with
We'll somehow make it through this class
From hell!
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"Hell (Reprise)"

[The semester is over. Belle gets her grade.]

BELLE:
Is it done? Can you imagine! He asked me to take it again! 
Me! Having to redo that boring, brain-dead...

I flunked--the class! I can't be-lieve it!
I got--an F! And this in spite
Of all--the work--that I put in it!
I don't want this to be my whole damn life!

I want those cre-dits to com-plete my de-gree!
So I can join the working world!
And you know, it might be grand
For that prof. to understand
I don't want to slave for that poor man...