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"Judge Claude" & "Judge Claude Reprise"
Written by Sapphire, a follower of Clopin
To the tune of "Gaston" from _Beauty and the Beast_. Music by
  Alan Menken, lyrics by Howard Ashman.
Author's note: not intended to offend any, just a bit 'o fun!
Maintainer's note: This was received via e-mail, 8/6/97.
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"Judge Claude" & "Judge Claude Reprise"

Frollo is in the Palace of Justice.  Sapphire, Tia, Trinity, Ivory, and
Clopin are surrounding him, but don't get arrested (don't ask me why).  He
starts complaining to the gypsies about Esmeralda, who is sitting in a
corner with her head in her hands.

Frollo: Who does she think she is?  That gypsy's tangled with the wrong
Judge.  No one says no to Judge Claude.

Clopin: Yeah, right.

Frollo: Dismissed.  Rejected.  Publicly humiliated.  Why, it's more than I
can bear.

Sapphire: Some beer?

Clopin: What for?  He's cranky enough already.  He's a crab!

Tia: Who, him?  Of course!  Comrades, we've got to give this guy a reality
check!

Frollo: Gosh it disturbs me to see that young girl, dancing, showing off
like that.

Trinity: I can sure see why she hates him you guys.

Clopin: (Taking his hat off for comparison) And what is the deal with that  hat?

Ivory: There's no man we know that's as ruthless as he.

Tia: He's on everyone's Bad Guy list.

Sapphire:  (Pointing to his robe) That color--how dull- and it never does
change.

Clopin: And look at who he just kissed (cut to Esmeralda, washing her mouth
out with soap).

Trinity: No one's cruel as Judge Claude,

Tia: Full of beans as Judge Claude,

Clopin: And no one's as much of a fool as Judge Claude!

Ivory: For there's no one as hated and cranky.

Sapphire: (Whispers to gypsies) Don't tell but I poisoned his drink.  (Winks)

Trinity: (Whispers back) He'll be out in seventeen minutes,

Sapphire: (More whispers) And that hangover he'll get will make him want to die!

Tia: No one's dumb as Judge Claude,

Ivory: (Sarcastically) Has a smile like Judge Claude,

Clopin: (Puts on a robe and pretends to be Frollo) And no one's as great
and as pure as Judge Claude.

Sapphire: As a minister I know he's no match for Essie,

Clopin: My what a bum that Judge Claude!

Trinity: Get five feet of rope!

Ivory: Get twelve witnesses!

Tia: We'll hang this guy now and won't worry 'bout arrest!

Clopin: No one's spiteful as he,

Sapphire: (Pretending to have a noose around her neck) As delightful as he,

Ivory: And no one's as pale and as ugly!

All but Ivory: Oui!  Oui!

Tia: For there's always room there (points to Court of Miracles) for a
hanging! (Evil glint in her eyes)

Trinity: As you see Esmeralda could help.  (Esmeralda nods vigorously)

Sapphire: Every bit of him's bad through and through,

Opal: (Runs in the door) And don't you forget to include us all too!
(Points to the door where Feilyn, Aspen and Obsidian are waiting with their
own ropes)

Feilyn: No one hangs like Judge Claude.

Aspen: (Shoving her fist in Frollo's face) Needs a bang like Judge Claude!

Obsidian & Opal: And we all know someone in love with Judge Claude! (Aspen
blushes)

Sapphire: He's especially good at yelling at fireplaces!

All: Man what a flawed one--Judge Claude!

Tia: When he was a lad he had four dozen guards who would kill and disturb
us at will.

Trinity: And now that he's old he's got five dozen guards...

Ivory: And I know we outnumber them still!  (Grins)

Clopin: No one's drunk as Judge Claude

Aspen: What a hunk that Judge Claude! (All give her strange look)

Obsidian: And what about something to dunk him--Judge Claude?

Sapphire: I poison already, that's why he's snoring!

Clopin: Say that again.

Trinity: He's a drunk once again.

Feilyn: And then say it once more.

All but Feilyn: Who'll be hanging next door?  (Feilyn nods in understanding)

Feilyn: Who a super success?

Aspen: (Points to Frollo) Is it him?

Clopin: (Gives her a strange look) He wears a dress!

Sapphire: Are you two done yet?

Opal: Come on!

Obsidian: Let's move!

Ivory: There's just one guy in town who won't see Wednesday!

Clopin: And his name's F-r-o...

Tia: Who?

Clopin: F-r-o-e

Trinity: Give up? (Clopin nods)

All: Judge Claude! (They take him to the Court of Miracles and proceed with
a           hanging)

Sapphire: Don't bother to thank me folks, just doing my duty! (Sigh)

Ivory: Too bad it's just wishful thinking.  (Suddenly the door bursts open.
Mustang is out of breath.  He doesn't see Frollo drunk on the table.  He
only sees the girls       and Clopin.)

Mustang: Celebrate!  Everyone celebrate!

Trinity: Mustang?

Mustang: Yes!  Please, come to the Court.  He's missing!  He's missing and
now          they're celebrating!

Clopin: Who?

Mustang: The Judge.  We must go!  Not a minute to lose!

Tia: Hold on!  Slow down, boy!  Who's celebrating?

Mustang: All of Paris!  The whole dang city of Paris!  (All but Mustang laugh)

Opal: Do you mean this guy? (Points to the drunken Frollo)

Mustang: Yep.

Sapphire: With the long ugly nose?

Mustang: Hideously ugly.

Feilyn: And sharp cruel eyes?

Mustang: Yes, yes!  Will you come?

Clopin: Of course!  But first we must take care of him. (Points at Frollo)

Mustang: You will?  Oh, thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!

Ivory: (Whispers to Clopin) Crazy old Mustang.

Clopin: Yeah.  He's always good for a laugh.

Trinity: (Spoken) I heard that!

Sapphire: Guys, you know I have been thinking,

Obsidian: A dangerous pastime-

Opal: Oh, hush!

Sapphire: This wrinkled old man (meaning Frollo) isn't conscious.

Mustang: So you mean that we all could-

Sapphire: Yup.

Trinity: You know that's not a bad idea.

Tia: Let's drag him on home right now.

Clopin: See we promised ourselves we'd be rid of him soon and now we will do it!

Opal: But how?

All but Opal: (Huddling and whispering plan to her) First we... (whispers)
then we..

Opal: No would he...

Mustang: Yes.

Opal: Now I get it!  Let's go! (They all pick the drunken disoriented
Frollo up and drag him away like they were pretending to do before)

Ivory: No one's dead as Judge Claude,

Mustang: (Groaning at the weight) Made of lead as Judge Claude.

Trinity: (Elbows Aspen) And no one makes Aspen turn red like Judge Claude!
(True to the words, she turns the color of a tomato).

All: So his hanging we soon'll be celebrating,.  Gosh, this'll be fun!
Hang Claude!