[Cut to local magistrate's office, where General Li and Mulan are discussing the recent rash of flower seller kidnappings]
General Li: We need to set a flower seller (these are usually teenage girls) out as bait to catch this kidnapper.
Mulan: But where can we find a flower seller we can safely expose to such peril? It would take someone of great bravery and courage.
General Li: That's easy. We'll dress up as flower sellers.
[Cut to barracks back at the military camp. Mulan's platoon is all huddled inside, listening to General Li's instructions]
Platoon [all at once]: What?! You want us to dress up as women?
General Li: No, not all of you, just one of you. I have a cup of straws here. One straw is painted red on the end. So, do I have any volunteers to go first? [He looks around the room]
[Each soldier gives various reasons why he can't successfully impersonate a young lady]
Mulan: General Li, none of my soldiers will be able to do this job. All of them are too homely to snare this kidnapper. They'd end up scaring him away. [She looks to General Li and continues] However, you would work out well. Your facial structure looks more feminine than that of any of these soldiers.
[The platoon greets this with loud applause and cheers]
General Li [not to be outdone]: Well, your short stature and slight build make you a better candidate.
Mulan [demonstrating the motion]: But your lilting walk is much more accurate.
[The troops echo this sentiment and all shimmy together, imitating Mulan. Mulan and General Li keep trading reasons why the other would make a better flower seller]
General Li: Let it be the straws, then. It's fairer this way. [Pointing to the cup of straws] Lieutenant Hua, draw a straw.
[Gingerly, Mulan snatches one, relieved to see it is not the red straw. General Li goes next and also misses the red straw. They continue back and forth until only three straws are left. The tension in the tent is so great that Jili offers to pick a straw for Mulan. It's the red straw]
[He quickly replaces the straw back in the cup. General Li offers Mulan a second chance. She closes her eyes and grabs a straw. Again, it is the red straw. She wails in chagrin]
Mulan [brightening]: I don't like this game. Let's play another one.
General Li [sternly]: You must abide by the luck of the draw. And that's an order!
[The troops all file off to help Mulan prepare for her role]
[Cut to Mulan's quarters, where several of her soldiers are applying makeup and working on her hair. Jili, in particular, is having a grand time applying her lipstick. General Li walks in]
General Li: Are you guys done yet? Let me take a look at his disguise.
[Mulan turns to face him. After seeing the makeup job the soldiers did, General Li staggers and struggles to keep a straight face]
Mulan [alarmed at his reaction]: Is something wrong?
[She grabs a mirror to see the results of her platoon's handiwork. She gasps in shock when she sees bright red spots of color on her cheeks, lipstick that covers not just her lips but also a large portion of her lower face, and enough eye shadow to make her look like a raccoon. She has a large ornament in her hair that makes her look off-balance. In short, she looks awful]
General Li [dismayed]: No flower seller would wear ornaments like that in her hair, nor would she have that much makeup. You look like a prostitute.
Mulan [flashes at General Li]: And how would you know?
Jili [whining]: We did the best we could. [Irritably] I suppose you could do a better job?
Mulan: Fine. Everyone leave. Out. Out. Out.
[She herds out all the soldiers, including General Li, locking herself into her quarters to start her transformation]
[Cut to hallway outside her quarters. The troops and General Li have been waiting a long time for her to finish. They can't help yawning every now and then, complaining about the long wait]
General Li [pacing impatiently]: He's been in there a long time. Hope he's almost done.
Mulan [from her quarters]: I'm done.
[The soldiers and General Li enter, glad the wait is over. They troop in to see Mulan's results. She turns around, knocking all of them speechless. In particular, General Li is surprised at how pretty she looks. After a few seconds of open staring, he rouses himself]
General Li [business-like]: Mulan, show me your walk.
[Puzzled, she obediently walks several steps, clumping her feet like an elephant's]
General Li [shaking his head]: Not like that. A woman walks with more sway to the hips. It's how she attracts the attention of men.
[He demonstrates the motion to Mulan]
Mulan [acidly]: And where, pray tell, did you learn all this?
General Li: That's not important. Just remember that you have to act more ladylike now, and not like an uncouth soldier. [To the rest of the platoon] Everyone, get some rest. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.
[Cut to early morning in the marketplace. Merchants and customers are milling around. Mulan is in her flower seller's disguise, trying to sell flowers from her stall. She has to constantly remind herself to speak softly like a lady and not roar like an officer]
Mulan [smiling sweetly to a passing peasant]: Flowers for sale. Would you like to buy some flowers, sir?
[General Li is surveying the surrounding area, looking for suspicious characters. He spots Jili, sitting on a stool near the stall, asleep]
General Li [prodding him]: Hey! You're supposed to be hawking flowers, not sleeping. How do you expect to sell anything if you don't help pull in customers?
Jili [sleepily]: I can't help it. It's way too early in the morning, I didn't have any breakfast, and my stomach keeps growling at me. Of course I don't have the energy to hawk flowers. Please, General Li, could you get us some food to eat?
General Li [looks exasperated]: Fine. I'll go buy some food.
[He leaves for a nearby food stall. A rather unsavory person sidles up to Mulan]
Mulan [trying her best to smile]: Buy some flowers, sir?
Unsavory [eyes her up and down]: I haven't seen you around here before. Are you new to the area?
Mulan [averting her eyes so he can't see her rage]: I just started.
Unsavory [still eyes her]: What's your name?
Mulan: Flower.
Unsavory: Oh, so you're called Flower AND you sell flowers. How delightful.
[He begins to openly leer and ogle her. When he tries to grab her, Mulan reacts in a most unladylike manner, landing a couple of blows. This attracts the attention of her cohorts, who all grab the man. They are about to start beating him up when General Li stops them.
General Li: What are you doing?
Mulan [still angry]: He tried to fondle me. He must be the kidnapper.
General Li [takes a good look at her attacker and shakes his head]: The kidnapper is a very cunning criminal. He's much too careful to try something like this. This fellow is just another scumbag. He can't be our kidnap suspect.
Mulan [looking like she still wants to beat him up]: But I still want to thrash him for trying to fondle me.
[The troops land a few more smart blows to teach the cad a lesson]
[Cut to the military camp. Mulan, General Li, and the rest of the platoon enter Mulan's quarters. She begins to yawn, giving every sign she is quite tired from the day's labors. Her troops watch as she plunks herself down on her bed, seemingly unwilling to leave. She begins to notice they are looking at her oddly. When she proposes changing into her regular outfit (i.e.-her military uniform), they beg her to keep her flower seller's disguise on]
General Li: Mulan, you should leave everything on. This way, you'll become more in tune with the character you are playing.
[Her troops readily agree to this, as does Mulan, but for different reasons]
Mulan [stretching out on her bed]: Great, this means I can save time tomorrow morning in dressing for this role.
[She begins to feel uncomfortable with all the sheep's eyes the troops are giving her. It begins to dawn on her that they miss a woman's company, even though she is a "fake" woman. Her disguise gives them an opportunity to daydream, and they start to swarm around her, acting like a bunch of lovesick puppies. One offers to massage her feet, another to get her something to eat, etc., etc. Seeing her discomfort, General Li starts to shoo all the soldiers out the door. He finally has to order them to return to the barracks and leave Mulan in peace]
[Only General Li and Mulan are left in her quarters]
General Li [shyly]: You should go get some rest, too. You've been standing all day at the stall so you must be tired.
[Cut to a few hours later in Mulan's quarters. She's still awake, tossing and turning on her bed. She can't figure out why she can't sleep, especially since she was exhausted from her day of impersonating a flower seller. She gets up to pour some water, thinking this might help. Just as she sits down to drink it, someone knocks on her door]
Mulan: Who is it?
General Li: It's me, Li Liang.
[She opens the door for him, asking him why he is up so late]
General Li: I couldn't sleep, so I wondered if you'd like to play a game of weiqi? [Looks a bit flustered] Wait, you're right. It IS late. I'll come back another time. [He turns to leave]
Mulan: Wait. I couldn't sleep either. I would love to play a round of weiqi.
[Several minutes later, they are in the midst of their chess game. General Li appears engrossed, while Mulan is observing him with a knowing smile on her face]
Mulan [coyly]: So, tell me the real reason you came by my quarters so late at night.
General Li [a bit confused]: I told you, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to come by and play a round of chess with you.
Mulan [turning on the charm]: Oh… I know the reason. You're starting to fall for me, even though I'm not really a woman. My external charms have you "charmed."
General Li [starts to really get flustered]: What nonsense are you talking about?
Mulan [starts to flirt with him in earnest]: You can't resist my charms and you're confused why you feel the way you do. Am I right?
General Li [getting more nervous]: Baloney.
[Mulan continues to tease him mercilessly until General Li stands up suddenly, trying to look dignified]
General Li: Are you quite finished teasing me?
Mulan [suddenly sobering, realizing she has pushed him to his limit]: Sir, General, Sir, yes, I'm finished.
General Li [still trying to salvage some dignity]: Then go to sleep now.
[He turns to leave, still trying to look calm and collected but failing utterly. Mulan smirks at his discomfort, then goes to bed, still chuckling over the image of the unflappable General Li in obvious disarray]
[Cut to General Li back in his own quarters. He is having problems settling down after his encounter with Mulan, so he tries to dunk his head in a basin of cold water to help clear his thoughts]
General Li [speaking to himself]: What the heck was that all about? Why are you such an idiot?
[He is obviously greatly puzzled over his attraction to Mulan, especially since he thinks Mulan is male. (though a really pretty cross-dressing male!) *General Li once said to Mulan he'd instinctively "know" who the right woman for him was, no matter what the circumstances, because such an arrangement is due to the hands of Fate, and nothing else. We shall see*]
[Cut to the marketplace. Several members of Mulan's platoon are swarming around her again, offering their amorous attentions. Mulan tries unsuccessfully to disengage them. Things begin to get out of hand when Jili resorts to grabbing their flower vendor sign (it's about four feet by two feet) to swat the lovesick troops away. General Li steps in, ordering everyone back to their posts]
General Li [offers his canteen]: Here. Have a drink.
Mulan: No, thank you, I'm not thirsty.
General Li: This isn't water. It's sweetened pear juice mixed with water.
[Smiling, Mulan gratefully accepts a sip]
[Cut to the local tavern at lunch time. General Li and the troops are sitting at a table, eating a meal and resting. General Li is keeping an eye out for any signs of the kidnapping suspect. When Mulan comes by their table to sell flowers (and receive new instructions from General Li), he reminds her to be careful]
[The soldiers, who are obviously enjoying their free lunch, compliments of General Li, are sailing into the food with obvious gusto. General Li rebukes them, reminding them to keep sober, as they are undercover and need to keep their wits about them. Mulan has moved on to another table to try and sell her flowers. After a few minutes, General Li calls her back and points out to her a potential suspect. He is sitting at a table across the room from the soldiers and eating alone. General Li suggests Mulan keep an eye on this person, to which she agrees]
[The suspected kidnapper leaves the tavern, heading quickly down a hallway. Mulan follows him, but she doesn't notice the suspect is also watching her, waiting for his chance. General Li is close behind Mulan, but is unaware of her danger. He briefly loses sight of her. The suspect uses knockout powder (from behind his hiding place) to incapacitate Mulan. Once she is unconscious, he carries her away. When General Li turns the corner, Mulan is gone]
Back to Variations on Mulan.