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The Post-Oscars Party (Hunchback edition)
Written by Angela Kuo (angela_h_kuo@yahoo.com)
With a parody of "Topsy Turvy" from _The Hunchback of Notre Dame_
 Original lyrics by Stephen Schwartz, music by Alan Menken.
Copyright: 1997. This may be freely saved, distributed, placed on
 webpages and reposted for nonprofit use as long as it is properly
 credited and keeps its original content. Originally posted 
 3/26/97, a few tiny revisions on 4/2/97.
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[Scene: A large kitchen. COGSWORTH, MRS. POTTS, and BELLE are putting
the finishing touches on some fancy desserts. We hear humming offscreen.
A large bowl of cherries sits by a sink full of water, next to an open
window. A small TV is broadcasting the results of the Academy Awards]

COGSWORTH: I am not seeing this! I am not seeing this! Alan Menken
  didn't win?!
MRS. POTTS: Now you know he's already won eight. The Academy probably
  thinks he has enough for now.
COGSWORTH: Well, if you ask me, the Academy is just being stubborn. After
  all, "Beauty and the Beast" *was* the greatest film that year.
MRS. POTTS: But if the Academy doesn't learn to appreciate animated features,
  they'll never vote us as Best Pic--

[POCAHONTAS, this year's stage manager, enters]

COGSWORTH: Splendid to see you, mademoiselle! How are things?
POCA: Everything's under control. Thank you for doing the catering this year.
BELLE: No problem. We know how to suit the French tastes.
POCA: What's for dinner?
BELLE: Well, we put Louis from "The Little Mermaid" in charge of the main
  course...

[A offscreen shriek. PUMBAA from "The Lion King" tears across the screen]

PUMBAA: HE'S GONNA EAT ME!!!  [And he escapes out the door]

BELLE: ...which may not have been a great move. But the desserts will be
  great.

[She reaches for a cherry and eats it. Suddenly something swings through the
window and crashes into the sink of water, splashing BELLE. MEEKO the raccoon
grins at her, downs the rest of the fruit and runs off]

POCA: Meeko!!
BELLE: That's all right...I guess we'll have to do without the cherry toppings.

[Scene: Later that evening. A very large dining room with a stage. The Disney
characters are finishing up the last course before dessert]

LUMIERE: I hope you enjoyed your dinner!
PHOEBUS [eating]: Good, good, good! Ah...great! What is it?
JOHN SMITH: Well, it's better than hard tack and gruel, that's for sure. Say,
  Phoebus, I've been meaning to ask...How did you recover so quickly after
  being wounded?
PHOEBUS: It was only an arrow. Right, Beast?
BEAST: Right. By the way, I have to thank you guys in "Hunchback" for giving
  my leading lady a cameo in your film.
QUASIMODO: No problem. She's the Belle of Notre Dame.
POCA [to BELLE]: What do you think of "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"?
BELLE: It's...changed. I read the book.
PHOEBUS: So I guess Belle's not the finest girl in France?
BEAST [not happy]: What?
PHOEBUS: Just kidding...Right, Djali? [DJALI butts him] Sorry.
ESMERALDA: Phoebus is just a punny guy.
TIMON: And who are you?
ESMERALDA: I'm Esmeralda. I'm a Gypsy.
TIMON: Ah, so you're an outcast!
PUMBAA: Like us!

[GASTON swaggers over to ESMERALDA]

GASTON: This is the day all your dreams come true!
ESMERALDA: Are you always this charming, or am I just lucky?

[She grabs LUMIERE and starts swinging him at GASTON, who makes a hasty
retreat. At another table...]

ZAZU [to ALADDIN and JASMINE]: So you two are finally married!
ALADDIN: It took a trilogy, but it was worth it.
ZAZU: So now what are you going to do?
JASMINE: I don't know, maybe sing for another Disney film...

[Scene shifts over to a small group of Disney villains, including the rejected
GASTON]

SCAR: Cruella, I have to complement you. You are my favorite villainess, and
  Glenn Close did a fine job portraying you in the live-action version of
  "101 Dalmatians."
CRUELLA DE VIL: Scar, darling. Thank you. I adore you too.
SCAR: Really?
CRUELLA: You'd make a handsome throw rug. Wouldn't he, Gaston?
GASTON: Yeah!
SCAR [hastily]: Why, look...There's Frollo, the newest baddie. [FROLLO
  approaches them] I'm glad you could come to the party.
FROLLO: I am a public official. I *have* to be here. But I don't enjoy a
  moment of it...Thieves and cutpurses--the dregs of humankind, all mixed
  together in a shallow, drunken stupor.
LEFOU [offers him a mug]: More beer?
CRUELLA: Still bitter that the Academy didn't nominate you, I see...

[Shift back to the first table. A huge cake is being wheeled in]

PHOEBUS: Something's wrong.
QUASI: What?
PHOEBUS: There should be some entertainment by now...you know, a skit, a
  song...[pause] or a parody.

[Music starts suddenly--to the tune of "Topsy Turvy"]

CHORUS:
Come one, come all!
Leave Pride Rock and great Paris,  [pronounce Pa-ree]
Leave the village and the sea.
Come one, come all!
Trek across the desert's dunes,
Don't you cry to blue corn moons,
Come and join the Toast to...

[Suddenly the cake opens up and CLOPIN (who else?) pops out energetically]

CLOPIN:
'Toons!
Once a year we throw a party here in town,
Once a year we turn all L.A. upside down.
You're a winner here, so wipe away that frown
'Cause it is an Oscar-Worthy Day.
Ev'ry time a Disney picture gets released,
(It may star a mermaid, genie, or a beast)
Ev'ry film is Oscar-worthy at the Toast to 'Toons!

ALL: Oscar-worthy!
CLOPIN: Ev'ry film is animated!
ALL: Oscar-worthy!

CLOPIN:
And too often underrated--
They're all awesome--what else can I say?
That's the truth on Oscar-Worthy Day!       [Dance]

ALL: Oscar-worthy!

CLOPIN & CROWD:
Since "Snow White" we've turned out wonders...

ALL: Oscar-worthy!

CLOPIN:
And we think there's been some blunders
Streaming in from London to L.A.
Oscar voters make decisions
Which could use a few revisions...

ALL: Which we'll make on Oscar-Worthy Day!

CLOPIN [bouncing on stage]:
Come one, come all!
Hurry, hurry, come in here
You will laugh and shed a tear.
Come one, come all!
See the finest film this year--
Don't you love the atmosphere?
Cheer Walt Disney Pictures--
Cheer!

[He opens the curtains and "Hunchback" clips appear on a screen. The
Disney character audience applauds and cheers]

CLOPIN: And now the piece de resistance!

Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for,
Even though we didn't win Best Song or Score.
Disney's gone through lots of times like this before--
Now's the time to honor "Hunchback"'s tunes!

(speaks) You know "Snow White" had NO song nominations?

So here are songs that every one of you can sing--
Or enjoy by sitting back and listening.
Stephen Schwartz and Alan Menken bring us stunning tunes!
They're---

ALL: Oscar-worthy!
CLOPIN: Hear the bells and Latin chorus!
ALL: Oscar-worthy!
CLOPIN: Lyrics from Roget's Thesaurus...

ALL:
Quasi'd fit in on the Great White Way,
That's the truth on Oscar-Worthy Day!

CLOPIN: Ev'rybody!

ALL:                                 CLOPIN
Once a year we throw a party
Here in town                         Hail to the film!
Once a year we turn all L.A.
Upside down                          Oh, what a film!
You're a winner here
So wipe away that frown--            Folks, you can't miss--
Once a year on
Oscar-Worthy Day.                    It's cool to have a film like this.

ALL:
And it's the day we look ahead to future work--
Coming soon this summer we'll have Disney's "Herc"
Once a year we have some proof and
We can show the voters goofed and...

THE WRITER:
Gee, this song is tough to spoof, I say...

ALL:
We love this film and think it's Oscar
Worthy any day!
(Oscar-worthy)
Topsy turvy, somewhat nervy Oscar-Worthy Day!

THE END (whew!)