===========================================================
The Post-Oscars Party (Hercules edition)
Written by Angela Kuo (angela_h_kuo@yahoo.com)
With a parody to the tune of "Zero to Hero," lyrics by
David Zippel, music by Alan Menken.
(c) 1998. This parody may be saved, distributed, and posted 
as long as it is properly credited and kept in its original
form. Comments are welcome.
===========================================================

FROLLO: Well, it's that time of year again...The time when 
misled, confused people come together to toast the Academy 
Awards.
QUASIMODO:  Master, you hate the Oscars Party, don't you?
FROLLO: Ever since that wretched Academy failed to nominate me 
last year, I see no reason to celebrate. So I intend to spoil the 
mood as best I can. [Wicked smile] My date for the evening is 
Anastasia.
QUASI: At a Disney party? No!
FROLLO: Yes!
QUASI: You really have a thing for girls with four syllable 
names, don't you?
FROLLO: I sent Phoebus to fetch her. Ah, here they are. [PHOEBUS 
enters] Where is the girl?
PHOEBUS: Well, I bought her, but I had to bring her sister too.
FROLLO: Sister?
PHOEBUS: And mother.
FROLLO: What?

[Enter Cinderella's two stepsisters, ANASTASIA and DRISELLA, and 
her stepmother]

ANASTASIA: No, he's MY date for the evening!
DRISELLA: That's not fair! How come I don't get a date? MOTHER!
ANASTASIA: Maybe you're just a loser!
DRISELLA: Oh yeah? MOTHER!
STEPMOTHER: Quiet!

[They stop in their tracks when they see FROLLO. Then:]

ANASTASIA: You can have him.
DRISELLA: Are you kidding? It's you he wanted. 
ANASTASIA: MOTHER!

[They run out. FROLLO turns to PHOEBUS, infuriated]

FROLLO: You fool. I wanted Fox's Anastasia, not Disney's!
PHOEBUS: I thought something was wrong...Well, maybe you can
go out with the stepmother.

[FROLLO storms out. PHOEBUS and QUASI look at each other]

QUASI: Where's Whitney Houston when you need a Fairy Godmother?

[Scene: A big dining room with a stage]

CLOPIN: ...So that's how the show's going to go tonight.
HERC: Sounds good. Say, how's the security around here?
CLOPIN:  It'll be the usual Court of Miracles heavy security
treatment. Why?
HERC: Well, I have problems with crazed female fans pursuing me 
wherever I go.
CLOPIN: I see. I assure you that you won't have that problem 
here.
OFFSCREEN GIRL'S VOICE: THERE HE IS!!
HERC: Oh no...

[A stampede of women rush into the room. HERC looks for a place 
to run--but before he can move the women sweep by and grab
CLOPIN, carrying him out of the room]

CLOPIN [calling back to HERC, cheerfully]: You won't have that 
problem, Hercules--but I will!
HERC: I don't get it. 

[Later, at the actual party. The Disney characters are cheerfully 
mingling and conversing with each other. Close up on Hades, who 
is sitting by himself, talking on a cellular phone]

HADES: Hello, Walt Disney Home Video? Hi, it's me. Yeah, just 
wanted to check on a couple of deals we made...No, I still 
haven't seen "Enchanted Christmas"--some ideas are too scary even 
for me...Hey, I saw the preview for the Pocahontas sequel. It 
looks better than I expected. Who'd you get to do that John Rolfe 
guy? I want that person to animate *me* if there's a Herc video 
sequel...And how about that Lion King sequel? I'm telling you, 
hell will freeze over before you get done with that thing. But 
yeah, it was a pleasure bringing Scar back from the dead in our 
film. He made a handsome throw rug after all... Okay, talk to you 
later. Bye. [Hangs up and dials another number] Hello, Warner
Brothers? Hi, it's me. Listen, if you don't make the changes I 
suggested, "Mulan" is really going to kick the animated rear out 
of  "Quest for Camelot." What, don't you trust me?

[MEG approaches him]

MEG: Hades?
HADES [Still on phone]: Listen, I gotta go. Bye. [Hangs up] What
is it, my sweet little Nut-Meg?
MEG: I want to know why my song didn't get nominated for an Oscar.
HADES: You really want to know?
MEG: Yes.
HADES: Well, okay...but you'll have to sell your soul to me 
first.
MEG: Oh, come on.
HADES: Sorry, Meg, it's give and take.
MEG [muttering to herself]: It figures that he's the only one who 
really has close ties with the Academy.
HADES: Well?
MEG [After a pause]: Well...okay.
HADES: A deal's a deal...The reason is...The Academy doesn't know 
any better.
MEG: That's it??
HADES: It's the best explanation I can come up with...and now 
your soul is mine.
MEG: No.
HADES: Whaddaya mean, no?
MEG: I claimed sanctuary first.
HADES: What?!?

[CLOPIN enters. His face is covered with lipstick marks. He wipes 
some of them off as he walks onstage]

CLOPIN: Ladies and gentlemen, beauties and beasts and objects, 
welcome to the Third Annual Post-Oscars Party! [Applause]  First, 
our congratulations to the Genie-His voice Robin Williams finally 
won an Oscar.
GENIE: It was all so magical. For the first time in my life, I'm 
speechless. [He turns into a mime]
CLOPIN: And belated congratulations to "The Lion King" for its 
hit Broadway adaptation.
MUFASA:  Thank you. We're very proud of it. I have to say the 
fellow who plays me on stage sounds really good.
SEBASTIAN (from "The Little Mermaid"): I think so too.
CLOPIN: What did you all think of Michael Bolton's performance at 
the Oscars? [Silence]
GENIE [momentarily turning back into himself]: No comment. [Turns back into a mime]
CLOPIN: Yes, I think we can safely say that the movie version was 
much better. And I'm not the only one who thinks so.  Please 
welcome the Muses from "Hercules!" [The MUSES enter to thunderous 
applause (especially from ZEUS)] You go, girls!

[To the tune of "Zero to Hero" by Alan Menken and David Zippel, 
from "Hercules"]

MUSES
Let's be brief,
There's no time for grief,
From these whiny pop songs
We're all needing some relief!
Way too long,
They got it all wrong-
Call us if you wanna hear a really awesome song!
You wanted Bolton? 				[Shake heads in disapproval]
A sinner, sinner,
Why don't you hire
A real winner?
Go get a voice that just won't go flat-
From sinner to winner,
We're up to bat.
Sinner to winner,
We'd like that.

When we rock
The crowds will flock and
They will buzz.
And since I'm a Muse
I've paid my dues.
(I know she does!)

From appearance one
Until we're done
We Muses steal the show
So when we hear a weak song
We say, "Sorry,
But you have to go!"

Can't explain
How they went insane-
Where's the nomination
For a song that entertains?
Why don't they
Try to take a chance?
Do they dislike music
That just makes you wanna dance?

Listen, those songs
Are mushy, weepy.
Hearing those songs we're
Getting sleepy.
We've got a movie score with spunk!
From sinner to winner,
No, we can't flunk.
Sinner to winner,
We can't be sunk.

What is the film that's so a-Musing?
Hercules!
Who isn't blue despite the bruising?
Hercules!
Bolton's song?

MEN
"Go the Distance."

MUSES
Whatcha think?

WOMEN
It needs assistance...

ALL
Hercules, Hercules...
Let's be brief,
There's no time for grief
We'll repeat it.
Our advice
Told you plain and nice?
You'll delete it.

Next year please don't be
A sinner, sinner.
Please go and hire
A real winner.
Who'll hit the notes next year with ease?
From sinner to winner,
We want a winner,
We'll get a winner:
Mulan, please!