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The Phantom of "Beauty and the Beast"
Written by Angela Kuo (angela_h_kuo@yahoo.com)
Featuring very short parodies of "The Phantom of the Opera," 
  "The Music of the Night," and "All I Ask of You." Based on the 
  songs by Andrew Lloyd Webber, Charles Hart, & Richard Stilgoe.
Inspired by a post by Zarina Mustapha and the "Michael Crawford 
  Sequence" on "Forbidden Broadway Vol. 3" by Gerard Alessandrini.
Copyright: 1996. Originally posted 5/1/96. 

Author's note: This was inspired by the news that there is
to be a direct-to-video sequel to "Beauty and the Beast" called
"Christmas Belle." It does NOT necessarily reflect my own views
(I've never seen "The Return of Jafar," for example), but I have to 
admit I am not crazy about the idea of a sequel.
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The Phantom of "Beauty and the Beast"

[Scene: a very large office. Huge scrapbooks of newspaper and magazine
reviews are piled on the coffee table. Posters of "Beauty and the Beast"
hang on the wall. Two Oscars, a Grammy, a Tony, and other awards are in
a bookcase. The BEAST, wearing a suit, paces back and forth as MRS. POTTS
and LUMIERE watch.]

BEAST: Where is she? Why isn't she here yet?
MRS. POTTS: Oh, do be patient, sir. After all, these negotiations do tend
  to take more than one day.
LUMIERE: Master, has it occurred to you that this might be the chance to
  stop the direct-to-video trend that "The Return of Jafar" started?
BEAST: Of course it has! I'm not a fool!
LUMIERE: Good! [Knock at door] Here she is!

[The BEAST looks up expectantly. COGSWORTH comes through the door]

COGSWORTH [nervously]: Good evening...
BEAST: Well? Where is she?
COGSWORTH: Who? Belle? Oh, yes...Belle...Well, she is currently in the
  process of...Uh, circumstances being what they are, she...[He wilts]
  They're still making the sequel anyway.

[Outside shot from the hall. The door reads "Beauty and the Beast."
We hear, just like in the film:]

BEAST: WHAT?!? [Bursts through the door and bounds up the stairs to
  another door with the sign "Disney Corporation." The OBJECTS trail
  behind. The BEAST beats on the door three times] I thought I told
  you not to make a sequel! [No response] You come out of there or
  I'll--I'll break down the door! [No response] Why are you being so
  difficult? [No response] Isn't anyone listening in there? [No
  response. The BEAST suddenly turns to the OBJECTS] Where's Belle?
  Is she still trying to negotiate with them?
COGSWORTH: Master, it's worse than you think. The new character in
  the movie is holding her as a prisoner until we all agree to be in
  the sequel.

[Scene: a dark room. BELLE, wearing a business suit, is looking
defiantly at FORTE, an enchanted organ who used to be a musician]

FORTE [with Michael Crawford's voice]: Maybe I could clear up this
  little misunderstanding, if...
BELLE: If what?
FORTE: If you'll be in the sequel.
BELLE [angrily]: NEVER!
FORTE: Have it your way.
BELLE: "Beauty and the Beast" was never meant to have a sequel, or a
  prequel, or an inter-quel, or whatever. It's perfect as it is!
FORTE: Oh, really?
BELLE: Yes! [She sings, to "The Phantom of the Opera"]
  It's time we all inform
  Those Disney folks
  That sequels tend to be
  Pathetic jokes.
  I feared Jafar's return,
  And now I find
  A phantom of a Disney film's still planned--
  You've lost your mind!

FORTE: But my angel, you don't understand at all how it works:
  [To "Music of the Night"]
  Movie sequels,
  Pointless and quite tacky.
  Mini-series,
  Dumb and sort of wacky.
  It's the newest trend,
  Won't you welcome it, my friend?
  Look at "Batman" and I'm sure the public might
  Give bucks to any sequel that's in sight.

  So I hear that we'll have another "Brady Bunch,"
  And "Jurassic Park" will never go extinct.
  They're flooded with sequels by the score:
  What's next? It's "Home Alone Part Four"!

  Disney classics,
  Animated glory.
  But I tell you
  There's more to the story.
  Here's the news today:
  The new villain's named Forte,
  I'll wreak havoc with the plot--Don't try to fight!
  No matter what: a sequel is in sight!

BELLE: No!

FORTE: [Sings to the audience, to "All I Ask of You"]
  Say you'll share with me
  Your hard-earned income...
  You'd be dumb to buy, but if you do,
  Nineteen bucks is all I ask of you!

[He laughs an evil laugh as "Christmas Belle" videos start spewing out
of his pipes. Suddenly the BEAST bursts into the room. He roars in
outrage. FORTE stops laughing and looks up--and to his horror a large,
computer-generated chandelier drops from the ceiling. It crashes on top
of FORTE, reducing him to expensive firewood.]

BELLE: Beast!
BEAST: Belle!
BELLE: Oh, I'm SO glad you found me! I hope the sequel idea is gone for good.
BEAST: Me too. Say, now that this is over, how about we go see a movie?
BELLE: Sure, which one? [Smiles] Let me guess...[They exit together]

                             THE END