Nov. 29th, 1996

I don't know what to do today. I've been sleepwalking through the last week. And then I wake up this morning, and I don't even know how to describe how I feel. It's like, I don't know, like I lost him again. It's been a whole year. I can still see him, lying on the bed, seeing me for the last time. All I want to do is cry. Jason called, but I couldn't talk to him. Maybe if it was the Jason that knew Stone. But it's not, and he just doesn't understand, as much as he tries.
Stone, where ever you are, can you hear me? I miss you so much, it's like I'm empty. I have found myself able to love again, but it's not the same. You are a part of me Stone. You always will be. I hate this disease. I hate what it did to you, and what it wants to do to me. Well, I'm not going to let it. Help me? Please, my love, help me. Oh Stone, where are you?
My roommate is looking at me like I'm crazy, because I'm sobbing over my diary. She doesn't know the significance of today. I sometimes wonder if she'd understand?
I talked to Sonny. I had to. I guess we didn't really talk, we just listened to each other cry. He said very little, I said even less. We don't have to talk to remember Stone. Silence is fine. Together at least.
Mac wanted me to come home for Thanksgiving, but understood that I didn't. I'm thankful for that. At least he wasn't alone, he has some old friend from Australia there, Miranda, I think. And Katherine, of course.
I used to think that pain lessened, permanently. It doesn't. At times I don't miss him quite as much, I can think clearly and breathe normally. But times like now, I can't even focus away from him. My mind is so set on Stone, it's like I'm trying to bring him back, just by thinking about him.
There's my alarm. I have to take some medication. I wish so much I could skip it. That if I did, it wouldn't mean risking my life.
It's been a whole year, and we are getting closer to a cure, I know it. You hear that Stone? I'm definitely going to live. I'm going to beat this, for you. For me too.